Retrieval Day

We arrived early at 6:50 a.m. They only do one retrieval at a time, and we were first in line. I was so nervous about not having any eggs. All signs of bloat disappeared, and i felt nothing in the ovary regions ... nothing.

We're put in a room and the nurse gives us the run down for the rest of the day and the coming weeks. More doxicylin today, progesterone starts tonight, baby aspirin starts tomorrow, and metho-something else.

Next, we wait for the anestesiologist to come in and hook me up to an iv. It's a LONG wait. In the meantime, we discover that our room has another bed just beyond the wall and that it's actually a double room. Another couple walks in, and we are separated by a curtain.

The fellow ivf-er in the room is told that the wait is going to be another hour and a half. So we're all waiting.

I can see feet walk by from beneath my curtain. We are told that the procedure room is right next door. I watch as feet go in and feet come out. Then someone on a wheelchair is rolled out. Other people are being let in ahead of us.

Then the RE finally comes in to talk to us. She's not our RE, but the one filling in. She says that there's a chance that we will cancel the retrieval. The embryologists can't find any sperm in the three vials we had frozen. I cant believe it. I just cant believe it. The urolgoist was so confident in the sample. He's the president of some urological association, and he's one of the top rated infertility urologists in our area. And he was so convinced that doing a fresh tesa wouldnt be necessary, so convinced that if the embryologists reallys looked, they would find something. I prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED for them to find something, just look one more time. Oh God, please, please, PLEASE.

In the end, there was no sperm, and the procedure was cancelled. We left with the feeling of having our tails tucked neatly between our legs. It was awful, and the couple in the room next to us was so silent as the doctor delivered our news, that they, no doubt, heard. As if it's not bad enough that this is going on, but it's gotta be public too?

I am in shock now, still. Like i really expect the doctor's office to call and tell me there was some mistake. My ovaries are none too happy either, cramping and hurting. I can hardly stand up straight from the pressure and pain of wanting to ovulate 20x over.

But i cant believe this has happened. We were rescued from permanent infertility on the hope of those vials. And now, we're suddenly back to square one? Why? Towards the end of the mourning, i accepted our situation, made peace, and began to move on. And now, i feel slapped back to beginning of it all.

I was doing fine before ivf. I didnt need this trip. This is the last thing i ever wanted to do with my life. But, once i started it, i discovered that it wasnt so bad. The needles, the early morning doctor visits, the medication ... wasn't so scary as i thought. In fact, there were many evenings where i would start giggling right before an injection, which would cause my belly girate and make injection difficult, and dh would say "stop jiggling," which would make me start laughing all over again. In a way, it was a whole lot funner than i ever thought imaginable.

But then to go through all that to end up here? Cancelled at the 11th hour?

I dont know what to make of it. Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Why did i get pulled off the good progress i made with living with permanent infertility only to get smacked with it again? I mean, this again?

I dont know what to think, i just know it's been a bad day.

Where is the moment we need the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

Trigger

Oh, the adventures of today never end. Dh took me out to my favorite restaurant. It was a beautiful day and lovely ride. Midway through the meal, i had the worst stomach ache, having to run to the bathroom for number 2. Disgusting. But it gets worse. I have the worst stomach cramps, but at the same time, i want to throw up. I feel my pulse rise because i cant decide which one is worse. I absolutely HATE throwing up. But, oh the stomach cramps. It's the worst sensation.

But it gets worse.

There is only one stall in this bathroom and it clogs up. Yeah, that's right. I flushed the toilet to watch it slowly swell back, and suddenly i have visions of the contents overflowing all over and me having to explain this faisco to the restaurant manager. FUN TIMES. Conveniently, the owners have a plunger right by the toilet (guess this isnt the first time the toilet clogs up). I decide that it's worth trying to clear this up without giving anyone a glimpse of my stomach's malcontent.

Disaster averted. But, i have to wonder where the stomach upset came from. Was it the spicey food not mixing well on Follistim? Or was it just bad food? I dont know. It was just awful all around.

We come home with plenty of time trigger by 8pm. Our clinic gave us an instruction video, courtesy of the drug makers. Wouldnt you guess, the HCG portion of the video is scratched and unwatchable?

So then we revert to the paper instructions we were given. Our clinic would have drawn a bull's eye on my butt, but they were pretty sure the trigger would be tomorrow and i was returning for an u/s tomorrow.

Ok, so no bull's eye, just a dh upset/panicked/upset about having to inject me. Anyone else fine, but just not me. And yet, i aint gonna do it. So it's back to him. Actually, he didnt try to get out of it, but he was afraid of accidentally hurting me and of accidentally hitting a sciatic nerve. It didnt help matters that the instructional video was a dud.

He pulls out a needle and drops it. New needle. He mixes the powder with the water. For some reason, he cant get all of the solution into the syringe. There's a drop left at the bottom. That took a good 5 minutes to finagle. And still, it looked like a drop was left.

Then dh repeats that he's uncomfortable with hurting me and this injection isnt going to be as "painfree" as the follistim and lupron. Once he finally locates the upper, outer quadrant of my butt, he injected me, checked for blood (none), and finished the injection. And, it wasn't as bad as all that. However, dh is still not recovered, overwhelmed and exhausted is more like.

We have retrieval scheduled for 8am Sunday. We have to leave our house by 5:30 am.

I hope the HCG works. I'm just not feeling as bloated as yesterday or as bloated as i've read that people feel right before retrieval. Is that a sign?

I Feel Really Bad

So, i cant get over the fact that my estradiol plateaued and was in fact down a few points from yesterday. I feel really bad about this, like suddenly, crying nonstop seems like a really good idea. To induce this deluge is the following report from Dr. Google:

Subtle spontaneous decreases in estradiol levels are associated with very poor IVF outcomes.

This from a report entitled "Falling estradiol levels as a result of intentional reduction in gonadotrophin dose are not associated with poor IVF outcomes, whereas spontaneously falling estradiol levels result in low clinical pregnancy rates."

Dont you find that disturbing and cry-worthy? And did it have to say "very poor IVF outcomes," like poor IVF outcome wasn't bad enough. But very poor? What am i supposed to do with that little bit of joyous news? Huh?!

Moreover, i no longer feel bloated. I feel physically great today. My boobs are still a bit sore. But I feel some EWCM. Should i be concerned that i ovulated? Well, i am concerned.

I feel really bad about this. Anyone have experience with this?

It's just one of those days.

4.5 hours to trigger.

No Skipping For YOU!

The nurse called. She's only supposed to call if there's a problem. I think she knew i was happy and skipping. She called to tell me that i need to trigger tonight because my estrodial number is plateauing at 1941 (a bit lower than yesterday), and therefore not going up as expected. Doctor wants us to trigger sooner, rather than later, "just in case." Just in case what? What happens if estrodial numbers plateau and dont go up?

To add misery to fear, we found out that we cant do a fresh TESE in case we need one because it's not covered by our insurance at this time. Sooooo, if the frozen goods dont work, i'm going to have to repeat this whole thing.

And then, to add hilarity to this lovely mix of fear and misery, my SIL and backup ride for the aforementioned double procedures (in case we're both under on that day), emails me to tell me she thought we were harvesting last Monday and that she was to be on call for last monday. She meant to call me to ask how it went. But i guess she never got around to it. Awwww. And then this monday, she's not available because she has a mandatory meeting at 2pm and on tuesday she's not available because she has her own gyne appointment.

Who asked her about tuesday?

Anyway, i wrote her back to say that we dont really need her anymore anyway. Retrieval is now scheduled for Sunday, and there will be no fresh tese for me.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 5, Day 8 of Stims

So, i've been on stims since Wednesday night of last week. Everything is a-ok, according to nurse. Largest follicle measured 18.5. Looks like we trigger tomorrow, on Saturday. So EXCITING! I feel like skipping.

Skip, skip, skip to my lou ...

... dont ask, i'm an overstimulated, overovulating woman.

Stim & Ultrasound 4 with 7 days of stims

Too tired to go to work. And I'm so BLOATED. I've morphed into a big fat fatty. And i have stomach upset.

Today's report: largest follicle is 16.5. That's it. Nothing further. Too tired to ask.

Another apointment tomorrow.

I'm going to lay down.

Stim & Ultrasound 3

I'm tired. I couldn't get up this morning, missed my train, and was late for my appointment. But in the middle of the night, mind you, i'm W...I...D...E awake.


Anyway, nurse said lining is 8.5 and largest follicle was 14 and that there were 15. Interesting to note that not all follicles necessarily contain eggs. Some can be duds. ... or some can be dudes ... ha ha, get it, get it?? ... This is humor jacked up on stim drugs, lupron, and fatigue. Funny, huh?
But getting back to my point ... about 20-30% of the eggs harvested can be duds.

More tomorrow.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 2

On my second ultrasound & blood work visit, the nurse found a follicle as big as 12 (mm?). The lining was a 6. What does that mean? I dunno.

I think it means it's too early to get into numbers. But, the nurse did say that i could be retrieving by the 23rd. Noooooooooooo. We just have one leeettle problem with the 23rd. Our insurance wont cover it, but it will cover the 24th because our doctor wont be available on the 23rd and the insurance wont cover the doctor who is. Yeah, yeah, dumbass morons, etc.

So now i'm actually glad i accidentally started stims late. Maybe that'll increase my chances of retrieving on the 24th.

Another utltrasound & blood is wednesday.

What Happens When You Dont Record Injections

So, on our merry trip down injection road, we had the following conversation:

dh: i cant pinch anything, relax your leg.
me: (with my eyes closed as they always are through injections): it is

I feel a prick in my thigh. Then i feel another one.

me: did you just inject me twice.
dh: the first one didnt penetrate and bounced off (chuckling and seriously amused). You have, like, thunder thighs or something. The needle bounced back and nearly poked me in the eye.

ha ha ... but onto twice a day follistum. After injecting into me, dh comes downstairs and says:

dh: i think we have to do the follistum again. I think the cartridge i used was empty.
me: What! So, you just injected 150 units of AIR INTO MY BELLY?
dh: well, it's just units, not like cc's. It'll be ok.

He gets the cartridge out again and sees that the pen went from 150 down to 50. So it turns out, he had injected 100 units into me and just needed to add another 50. At the end he said:

dh: you know, we should really record this stuff.
me: YA THINK?

By the way, we were "recording" all this. Dh just forgot to record this morning's. Hope he learned that lesson!

Good grief.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 1

Just came back from my first ultrasound after being on stims since Wednesday night. One follicle. Is that normal at the first ultrasound? It measured at 8.5. There are more, but too small to measure.

Is this normal at this point in the cycle? Nurse said it was. But, what else is she supposed to say?

I have another ultrasound monday morning.

Stim Panic Over (for the most part)

I called the RE about missing my first shot, and she asked then if i took a double dose at night. Um, no, why would i think to do that? Anyway, they've marked it in my chart and then on Saturday's ultrasound, they'll check and see if i need to up the dosage or anything. So, i hope i didnt screw anything up. Someone at the clinic should have reminded me! Don't you think a nurse should have said, "now remember, this is the one you do TWICE a day."

I know the next one, single HCG shot in the behind, a mixture of liquid and powder. Then after that it's progesterone.

Oh, and the RE said that we might aspirate on 23rd! Wahoo! But, maybe not, given my late start.

This is so nerve wracking. I can hardly focus on work. And i know this isnt even the tough part yet. What about all that wait AFTER the transfer?

OH MY GOD ... DID I JUST SCREW THIS CYCLE UP?! HELP!!!

Ok, y'all know i was supposed start stims today. And, since my baseline Monday, i've been trying to figure out a way to start earlier and waiting, waiting, WAITING for April 12 to come around! Now, there's just one teensy, weensy problem. I forgot, COMPLETELY FORGOT, that stims are done twice a day, TWICE. That means, once in the morning and once in the evening.

Well this little brainchild made this realization on the train home from work. I made it home in time for the evening stim, but missed the morning stim (waaaaaaaaaaaaa) Now, i'm wondering, did i just screw up my schedule???? Can i still be aspirated by April 24? Or did i just completely muck this up? Someone please tell me it's ok.

And i still have a question about pomelo. Anyone know where i can get my hands on some?

THANKS!

Pomelo Yellow

Pomelo season is over ;( Yesterday, i had my last pomelo of the season. I have one every night. I LOVE pomelos, and now, no more until December.

I just can't believe no one's growing pomelos for the next 6 months. I would order this online if i could find it. Anyone know how to get pomelos off-season? Or, better yet, anyone a pomelo farmer looking for a good customer?

In the meantime, we are mourning the loss of our favorite fruit and trying (struggling) to find a nightly replacement (that's NOT chocolate cake, the other go-to "fruit").

IVF Schedule ... drum roll please ...

So here's my schedule (partial):

April 12: Start stim
April 15: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 17: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 18: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 19: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 20: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 21: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 22: HCG (assuming blood and ultrasound say it's ok)
April 24: Aspiration all around the nation (sorry, i couldnt help it. I'm a poet and didnt even know it.)

Transfer some time after that (God willing!), depends on what the embryologists say, 3 day/5 days. God knows :)

But here's what the rest of the schedule might look like:

April 27: Day 3 transfer
April 29: Day 5 transfer
April 30-May7: rest & relax and think of cute embryoes attaching to my uterus and lovin their new home.
May 8: pregnany test

I have a question for those of you who've done this before. Do i take a day or 2 off after retrieval? How many days should i take off after transfer?

What about assisted hatching? I dont know a thing about it except what it means. Some clinics do it automatically. Is it worth the cost? Should i chance it without? Does it matter?

Showers Are For Weeping

I had a real rough day today. I was invited to two showers, one baby and one bridal. I usually try to avoid baby showers, but this one was my husband's neice's. How could i get out of it? I showered and dressed and then started crying. I just couldnt go. I could just see myself crying the whole way there, holding my breath through the shower, and crying the whole way to the next shower? And, then what, show up with puffy eyes like i've just been attacked by the stork?

So, i begged dh not to go to the baby shower. And he relented, once the tears started rolling. How could he say no to those? Anyway, but i was totally emotionally drained after that. I didnt feel like going to the bridal shower either. But, it was for dh's good friend, and i really meant to go. But i was just so out of it. I debated, but in the end i went.

Mistake. I didnt know anyone well and most everyone was either younger than me, way too much older than me, or just my age with a few toddlers attached. I gravitated towards the one woman who was sort of my age, had two little girls and was pregnant. But i've seen her at parties before and she was always so warm with me, and i never took the time to meet her because she was always toting a toddler. But today, when i saw her pregnant, i decided i cant wait for her to get out of the toddler stage to get to know her.

So, it was nice. I was right about her, until she asked me how many kids i had. When i told her none, the conversation came to a screechingly eery halt. It wasnt her fault. She didnt know. But i felt bad. Really bad. And then suddenly it felt like there was nothing left to talk about. (In reality, she got busy with her two kids.) The woman on the other side of me began a conversation with the woman next to her about when she was going to "start" trying for her next child. So i was just really trapped.

It didnt help matters that i already felt bad before i came, or that this lovely woman brought her lovely mom with her. So, double wammy ... or should i say double mommy ... ha ha ... welcome to my shower, here's everything you dont have but always wanted, enjoy!

I just know one thing. I never EVER want to go to another shower again.

EVER.

Who's Here? Aunt Flo Who?

I got my period! Oh my God! ... YESTERDAY! Wow, that was much sooner than i thought. I still dont believe i have it. No warnings. I didnt realize that it would start so soon after starting Lupron.

Speaking of Lupron, so far so good. I felt pretty confident in handing over the injection reigns over to dh, who at some point in his youthful years worked in a lab. And he's so gentle and mild-mannered to boot. So, i figured i was in good hands, until i handed the package over to him and he asks, "Um, so, how much of this stuff am i supposed to inject?"

Err, what? Dont you know? I dont know. Wait. Lemme get my notes ... my notes say 1=.5. What the heck? Why did i write that?

A panicked call to the fertility hotline informed me that only my doctor can tell me how much medicine i'm supposed to take. So i called my doctor and she said 1cc =.5 ml.

Oh.

So after that was all figured out, it became routine, like we've been doing this all the time.

And then yesterday, the good RE said that unless i start follistum yesterday (meaning my period start too) then i'm looking at harvesting in the week of April 23, instead of April 17 (which is cutting it too close). And wouldnt you know as soon as i hung up with her, i got my period. I called her back and left numerous messages because she said for me to call her back as soon as i got my period.

I also called the fertility center to setup my next appointment for a day 3 ultrasound. That conversation went something like this (literally, verbatim):

Me: I got my period today (YAY)
Nurse: Ok, then we need to set you up for an ultrasound. How's monday at 8, 8:30, 0r 9.
Me: Um ... 8:30 sounds good.
Nurse: Alrightee, you're set up for the baseline ultrasound. Everything seems set to go ... except for the $10,000 that is due. Will you be paying that before the baseline test?
Me: HUH? WHAT!??!??!?!?!??!??!?!?!??!?????????????????????
Nurse: I'm just reading what it says in the computer in your notes.
Me: There's some mistake. What's this about?
Nurse: It says here you've been denied coverage.
Me: I cant believe that, i just spoke with the insurance company TWO DAYS AGO and they said it was covered.
Nurse: Well the insurance coordinator is gone for the day.
Me: Can i speak to someone else, i dont want to have to worry about this the whole weekend.
Nurse: Her boss is gone for the day too.

Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, not quite what i want to hear a few days before i start Follistum and growing a bunch of eggs. Why didnt anyone ever call me to let me know there was a problem? Is it any wonder that anyone can actually conceive in this process. How am i supposed to react? It's not because my eggs didnt work or his sperm didnt work or my ute didnt work, nooooo, it's because my bank account was empty that we couldnt conceive in the end?

And i'm not supposed to have an emotional reaction to this? I mean, it's tough enough as it is, tough enough not being able to conceive through natural processes, without intervention, tough enough to accept intervention and be injected and monitored and prodded and holding my breath and praying. Infertility alone is TOUGH ENOUGH, thank you, i dont need to be petrified in the process. And debt has a way of petrifying a person. .... yeah, i learned that gem of wisdom the hard way.

Ok, that's my rant for the day. Still haven't heard from my doctor, but i guess we already have a plan for harvesting in the week of April 23, so starting Follistum on monday should give plenty of time to grow eggs in time for harvest.

Oh well. Got to run and shoot up. It's that time of the night :)

*UPDATE: Thanks to the comment from Summer who pointed out my typo, i meant to say 1 cc=5 units. D'oh!

Happy Birthday to Me

So a few weeks ago was my birthday. Yeah, happy birthday to me. It was on a Sunday. My mom calls me up to wish me a happy birthday and our conversation goes somewhat like:

Mom: Happy Birthday.
Me: Thank you
Mom: I called you yesterday (Saturday) at your work.
Me: I was at home.
Mom: I thought maybe you decided to work yesterday so I called you at work to invite you over for a birthday dinner.
Me: Oh, thanks, but i'm usually at home on the weekends and i went out with dh for my birthday.
Mom: Well, okay, then ... well, if you're still interested in a coming over for dinner ... let's see what time is it ... yeah, i guess i could put something together.
Me: No thanks, i'm not feeling well (because i was sick to my stomach on bcp).

Anyway, soooooooo, guess who's birthday is THIS weekend? C'mon ... need a clue? She was born 4 years after me. Yeah, that's right, my sister, who lives 2 hours away, while i'm a scant half hour from dear mom. But mom called me up to tell me that "It's your sister's birthday this weekend, you know, and i'm going up to visit her." And she says "you know" with such emphasis like i've been remiss somehow in not knowing, but i havent as i've already sent dear sis a gift , though i debated it because she sent me a card that said in its print what a good sister i was, blah, blah, blah, to which dear sis deigned to add "I couldnt have said it better myself. Happy Birthday." Thanks for taking the time for writing me such a heartfelt note, sis. Oh wait, thank you Hallmark for knowing how to express my sister's feelings. You saved her the bother.

But, but, but, i decided it doesnt matter what she sent (or did not) or said (or did not), what matters is how i choose to relate to her. And i was in the gift giving mood (or maybe it was the lupron).

I told my sister what happened, the conversation, the disparity, the unfairness, the fact that dm has TWO daughters who's birthdays should be celebrated. Sis said "I never noticed this." Nooooooooooooooooo, really? You, baby of the family who got all of mommy's attention never noticed when i wasnt? And therefore, what? It's not true???????? Which, yes, was what she was implying. I mean, if SHE didnt notice it, well, then, heh, it must not be true.

Anyway, dont know if she saw reason by the end of that conversation, and i usually dont point this stuff out to her. But she's not a baby anymore and i had a feeling that she never "saw" this going on, so i just had to point it out since it was going on now and she can stop saying "i never saw this." That bugs! I get no validation from dear mom, but to add injury to insult, DS is going to join her?

I told dh about it. He was INCENSED. LIVID. How could this be fair?

To me, it's life as usual.

But this morning, on our way to work, dh kissed my hand and said "happy birthday."

21st Day!

Yay! Today's the 21st day i've been on bcp. So today i start lupron. I'm really excited. Lupron until my period starts, then back to fertility center for another baseline test ... yadda, yadda, yadda and a little badabing and we'll be shopping at Target again! If only it were that easy. And speaking of Target, man, that's like a mommy's haven. I dont get around to Tarjay that often because i usually spend my weekends lolling between the bed and the coach and so i'm WAY TOO busy to go shopping, sillies. But now, with bcp, dostinex, prenatal vitamins, gluten free diet, and good ole american excitation all around the nation, my emotions and hormones are all over the board. As you know, i started out this ivf month with upset stomach, a general disgust of food, and sore breasts. The stomach upset and food disgust have settled a bit thanks to pepcid, although i'm still not doing coffee or brownies. But NOW, i'm like, NESTING or something. Suddenly, i'm organizing my laundry with great interest and excitement, putting up curtains, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the pantry ... and hence i've had to make many MANY visits to Tarjay.

But, i hope that's it for now because, really, that place is totally geared towards preggers, babies, and young mommies. Ever notice how HUGE the maternity section is? No, really, it's like twice as big as the women's clothing section (not that i shop there for clothing, mind you, unless i'm looking for something a little hoochified, which on a occasion, i admit, i am. With all these scantily clad women on tv, i always want dh to know and see that he's got better, right at home. Yeah, well i can try! So said attire is usually only worn for his gazing--lest you think i'm not mother material--and usually doesnt get to stay on all that long ;) Ok, but back to my point about the maternity section that took over the store. It's not just that, the clothes in that section are cuter than the clothes in other sections. Invariably, my eye always catches a cute top and then i look up to see "maternity." I refuse, RE-FUSE, to buy maternity clothes, no matter how cute the top, unless i'm pregnant.

And THEN, the baby section spills over into the whole store. You walk out of the bathroom section and run into the baby t's section. You walk by the registers and must pass all the cute kids' clothes. You walk out of the shoe section to run into the baby furniture section. And this is to say nothing of all the pregnant women and small cute babies that infiltrate that store.

So no more Target for me, except that i'm looking for this one ottoman, and after going to 3 different targets in the area and looking online, i cant find it anywhere. What i really want is one of those big square brown leather ottomans for the living room. But i'm doing it ala Trading Spaces, with 4 little faux leather square otts squeezed together. (Hey, in defense of Fertile Soul, she is trying to have a baby and wants to save moula for Hello Kitty decor, of course!) . . . So, what to do, what to do, about the missing 3 otts that causes me to venture yet again into preggyland???

Anyway, but enough about Target, let's talk about me. Mememememememe. I'm a little anxious. These drugs give me small waves of anxiety. A few waves strung together and i feel so self-conscious, out of place, and out of sorts. Add to that my RE's recent call to discuss donor options in case things dont work out has set me a little off kilter. And then, i feel sad. Yeah, that's right me--hyper, excited, cant-wait-to-be-poked-by-a-needle me. I'm also having waves of fall-to-my-knees-cant-stop-crying weeping. This is really an emotional roller coaster and i feel so alone.

I know i shouldnt, but i do. And i dont want to admit it because i feel like i failed then somehow. And i dont want to feel like a failure.