Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Again With the Scene of the Crime

I had to go back to the factory clinic TWICE to deal with ohss. My ovaries were enlarged and still are, but the swelling is going down, thank God.

But i hate going back there. It's the place of so much hope and sadness. Today we talked about options and we had the dreaded donor and/or adoption discussion. I'm not ready for all these so called options. A part of me is like, yes, yes, yes, i cant wait, let's go forward, try again, me wannabe mommy, especially when i am back at that place of hope talking to the doctor, especially when i'm talking to the doctor. My RE is so nice. I want to be her friend. I want her to adopt me. And when she starts talkin, i feel like, ahuh, ahuh, yes, yes, ahuh, ahuh, ok, ok, sign me up!!! Time is a tickin and dont want to waste a single fertile moment. Cant waste a fertile moment, right? We got to take advantage of every gosh darn fertile moment that ever was to exist in time.

And if i think long enough about it, i can forget about these past 9 months of agony, about this month in particular being so bad, about the promise i made to myself to be content with good health.

But i cant do that to myself. No matter how attractive the so called lure and regardless of all the lost sand through the hourglass, i know i need a break. I need a freakin break. I dont want to think about anything baby-wise for at least two hundred years. Ok, but i'll settle for two ... years. RE says that if i want to do anything else ivf-wise, it needs to be done in a year, or it's all downhill from there.

But i cant use that as my guide. I cant get on another baby chase out of fear for time when i'm not really sure about myself anymore. It's not that i dont want a baby, but all this wanting has ever done for me is lead to heartbreak. And right now, i dont want another heartbreak, i dont want anymore sadness, i want to refocus my energies onto something else for a while. I want to give something else a chance to be successful or else my life will be forever defined by the collassal failure of us to conceive. It didnt work for us. Time to try something new, time to try an endeavor that has a greater likelihood of bringing joy and happiness into our lives.

I dont know what that endeavor is. I just know that it's not in the babyworld. So for now, i am taking a break and getting back in touch with myself. This was my reaction after the first ivf, but i pressed forward onto the second ivf because time was a factor in a slow case of vanishing sperm.

Anyway, i'll be around as i try to figure out what to do with my life, but i dont think i will be visiting many ivf/ttc sites in the near future. I really appreciate all of your support and kind words, and i wish you all success in your endeavors, baby chases and all.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

How Can I Ever Forget The DETAILS

On the day of retrieval/fresh tese (the day otherwise known as IVF 2 cancellation) i went with dh and a friend to the fresh tese, which was scheduled at 7:30 am. We arrive at 6:10 am. The surgery was expected to last about an hour and half, and my retrieval was scheduled for 11:30.

My friend and i waited for two hours in a crowded waiting room. The ivf clinic had given us the medium they wanted used for the fresh tese, and I carried those in a soft covered black cooler. I knew if the doctor came out with the black bag, then we're set to go for the retrieval. If not, it was over. I was, at the time, incredibly calm. Having suffered through a terrible three weeks, i was glad to finally be at this moment of truth. Either way, i was to be set free.

At about 9:45, the doctor comes into the crowded waiting room, carrying the black bag. And, i thought, oh my God, this is it. THIS IS IT!!! He hands it to me and says "Good luck with the retrieval. Things looked more promising this time..." and some other stuff. I was too focused on what it meant to have the bag of vials in my hand. Oh my God, the cycle is going forward!?

The ivf clinic was 3 miles away from the hospital, and I drove myself and the friend, la la lalala, we're off to see the wizard, and it's all good.

I get to the clinic and hand the vials over. A small part of me still wants to hear from the embryologist that it's all good. The nurse then comes and takes me and my friend back to the same room of the first ivf, just the other bed. I undress and put on the hospital gown. The nurse asks me to read the drug instructions for the rest of the week. I couldnt think straight, let alone read a word on a page.

The nurse comes back after a short while and i ask her if all was well with the vials. She said that the embryologist gave her the star to go ahead, which means everything's fine. If they had any problems, they would have said something. The nurse then asks me if i had any questions. I said, um, yes, well, could you go over these instructions completely, i dont want to miss anything. Well, last time the nurse explained it to me herself.

She explains everything to me. I dont understand much about the progesterone shots, and she says she will come back with an example.

She comes back and says that the embryologist cant find any sperm and that they have to cancel the cycle.

I am shocked and dumbfounded. What? What did i bring then? What did the urologist see? What's going on? What am i missing? This makes no sense.

The nurse says "would you like to speak to the embryologist?" I said, yes.

The embryologist comes and says, "we found nothing. There was NOTHING. Okay? I dont understand...the notes from your doctor said that this cycle might be cancelled. You expected this. You knew this could happen."

The embryologist was snappy and defensive. I hated her in that moment. Mean!

I said to her, "yes, i expected that the cycle might be cancelled, but NOT WHEN I'M CARRYING THE SPECIMEN IN MY HANDS! What happened?"

The embryologist decided to call the urologist to find out what i was talking about. But she tried to explain that their microscopes are much more powerful than the urologist's. So maybe the urologist saw something that under a greater magnitude turned out to be nothing.

I dont think so. That would just be stupid not to have a powerful microscope at the surgery site!

She also said that there was no way she could manipulate the tissue any further to find anything. It was sliced to smithereens. Then she left, but not before shrugging and saying "the cycle is still cancelled."

In the meantime, some doctor (not mine, i dont even know if my RE is working that day, it's like a factory at this clinic) comes in to help explain why the cycle is being cancelled. "I'm sorry. They found one sperm with an overly large head, no neck and no tail. I'm sorry." But, but, all we need is dna. Just gimme the dna. "We cant do a retrieval for one poor sperm. It has NO NECK OR BODY. I'm sorry."

I wanted the dna, but a part of me was like, God, i dont want to push it with such poor quality sperm. Maybe it's a sign of poor quality dna. But i had to ask! I had to ask.

Another thought occurred to me. But, what if i got more tissue, what if i went back to the urologist and got more? The doctor hesitated, "You have up until 12:30 for your eggs to be retrieved." It was 11:30. We had time!

The doctor leaves and the embryologist comes back. "The urologist never actually saw sperm. He just gave you the tubules that normally carry the sperm. And the one sperm we found, it's head is too big to fit in our needles. It wouldnt survive the transfer." Did you find any dead sperms? "No, nothing dead or alive. I'm sorry."

A few minutes later i just left. I wasnt sure what there was left to wait for. I had to go back to my husband, who still did not get out of recovery. If there was any chance to save the cycle, it would be with him. En route, i spoke with the urologist, he said that there was no way that they could go back into dh that day without causing permanent damage.

It was over. I arrived at the hospital waiting room precisely at the moment that the nurse came out to call for me. My husband was done with recovery and i was faced with the task of informing him that the ivf was cancelled.

It was awful, and it's been awful. And i'm now so glad to finally be off that God awful rollercoaster. Now you can see why i would need a serious break from the baby chase. No more. Enough. Uncle. Mercy. God, please, i get it now.

As i write, this it amazes how many little tragedies went on that day. Why couldnt it just have ended at the surgery? The doctor didnt have to come out with the bag, raise our hopes up again. At the ivf clinic, why did the nurse say it was ok to go ahead? Why did i have to be the one to tell dh that the surgery he just did was all for naught?

And this day is like a microcasym of the last year. After we found out that we could never have kids one year ago, after i had a mini-stroke in shocked reaction, after it took me six months to come to a point where i can start to move on, a sliver of hope crept in by way of blood results. The doctor then recommended a surgery and about a month and half later he told us he found sperm. Then ivf 1 cancellation because the sperm did not thaw out from the freeze. Now this. It all could have just ended with the first news, that we can never have kids last year. Instead we were dragged into a series of dashed hopes. Just in case we didnt get it the first time, we had to be reminded good and well twice more. We wont be having any kids of our own. Get the message forever now, and get over it.

I'm not bitter about this past year either, i just find it curious. What's the meaning behind it all.

So, we're back to where we started a year ago, except that i'm not shocked by the news. Where do we go from here?

I look forward to a better year, God willing.

Monday, August 21, 2006

One Week Ago

I can hardly believe that it was only one week ago that we were cancelled, virtually kicked off the baby wagon, and left for a lonesome death on infertility island.

It feels like a 100 days have passed since then. Did i mention that the first few days were abysmally difficult??? And lonesome. But it got better. In part because we've been through this before, one year ago this labor day weekend, in fact. And, also, the first failed ivf helps soften the blow of the second. Betchya didnt know that a failed ivf had it's uses. There's so much i want to say about all that, but maybe i'll remember to later.

The thing is that this last leg of the baby chase has been the worst of this umpteen year journey, and i am finally, truly and heartily sick of it. I am so done with the baby chase. I finally found something worse than not having a baby of my own. It's the way i've been living, not living my own life but living in constant anticipation of another's...that's never coming.

I am not angry or even bitter about not winning the baby chase or failing to get off of infertilty island. I am in fact happy. I am satisfied in my heart that i gave it my all. I am proud of that. IVF was something i never wanted to do. Instinctively, i knew it was not for me and i was too scared to try it. I got over my fear, tried it, and learned that i was right all along. It's not for me, but not for lack of trying! It would have always been a question in my mind as to whether we should have tried ivf. And now i know the answer. And i feel relieved from the burden of dragging this question out ad infinitum. I feel relieved. That was an unexpected boon of all this. And it's priceless.

I want to talk more about the guilt and the relief, but i want to collect my thoughts first. Besides, it'll probably drag this post out ad infinitum.

I said a few weeks ago during the dark days of the drugs that i will be glad when this is over either way. And i wondered at the time whether i would regret saying that. Was it possible to feel even worse than i did on those drugs? I did feel bad in the first couple of days, but now i am still glad it is over. Glad is an understatement. I am thrilled and grateful i am no longer taking the injections, i am thrilled that i'm no longer OD-ing on hormones, i am thrilled to give my body a break, i am thrilled i am no longer in a hold pattern waiting to find out what's to become of the rest of our lives. I am most especially thrilled and grateful about that.

I feel like i've been in a hold pattern for more than 15 years, since my childhood, really. And that is most definitely worse than not having a baby. At least now, i am free. And i will take this childless life anyday over ever going back to that permanent pause again. I feel like i can breathe again...reborn, as it were. So odd for this to be the result of my ivf journey, but it's the best result for me.

In the end, my prayers were answered. I have been blessed with more than what i even thought i needed or wanted. And that is the greatest mercy.

Thank God for all things.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


I'm still bloated, still! Sometimes i think it's gone away and other times, zoom, there it is sticking out like a good year blimp. And yet, according to the highly esteemed and never misleading Dr. Google, this is still a "mild" case, whatever that means. There's no additional weight gain or vomitting to speak of. But, i dunno, maybe i should check in with the clinic. The thing is, they're SO FAR AWAY as in RIGHT NEXT TO WORK, and it's like, why go down there on my day off? Especially when i have to be at the clinic at 7am and traffic is hit or miss, sometimes an hour and sometimes 2.

I'm just wondering how long do i get to walk around like a blimp? I miss the days when flab jiggled, sigh. I never thought i'd think that. But i never ever thought i'd never have kids either, so that just proves that you never really know anything. QED.

In other news, did you know that Moonlighting is still good after all these years??? Yeah! So zippy and funny. It's really good with a "mild" case of ohss. I wonder why they dont have the complete seasons? Did they just do 4 episodes a season? i'm so confused about this. Anyone know? I was barely a tween when i got hooked on the show.

In other movie related news, Adaptation is a bizarre movie. Netflix said it was about a writer's search for passion. Psht, hardly. The main character, who is the screenwriter who decided to write the movie about himself, was so annoyingly unlikeable in every way. Too neurotic and self conscious. His twin brother, who also happens to be his polar opposite, decides to try his hand at screenwriting, and writes a hit, just as well as the main character, who obsesses and drives you nuts in the process. Anyway ... spoiler coming, but i know you guys wont mind because the movie isnt worth renting unless you like oddball movies where the screenwriter egotistically ... spoiler part ... kills his own twin brother as part of the plot. Why? On a psychological level methinks there's a touch of jealousy. On an egotistical level, it's because the writer can, because the writer has a captive audience that stupidly thought his movie was going to be about the writer's passion or search for it or something. Haha. It's about the writer's neurosis and subconconscious jealousy for his twin brother who's not neurotic but easy going and, surprise, surprise, prolific. But, somehow the twin brother gets killed off in a freak plot twist, which was totally unnecessary as far as the plot went, which was really about the main character trying to adapt a stream-of- consciousness hippy-dippy book into a movie. But he couldnt because a stream of consciousness has no climax. It's just one fluid stream. Kind of like this review. Bored yet? You get the picture. To fix that, the screenwriter reasoned that if he somehow managed to kill off his brother in the story, then the audience gets the gore and blood they paid for.

I want my money back.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I May Not Be Pregnant, But I Look It ... ha, ha

The first couple of days of living after the cancellation was excruciating. Sucker punch to the stomach, sucker. Breathless and gasping for two days. I wondered whether the abysmal pain would ever end. How long will this feeling linger? And didnt i just suffer through two weeks of a drug induced depression just the other day. Man, not this again. Again. Again. Again.

To dig the abysmal hole deeper, apparently, i was also suffering from a case of ovarian hyperstimuation syndrome. Oh, you know, bloating, distended stomach, breathlessness. I looked like a 6 month pregnant woman...ironic, huh? Probably as close to as pregnancy as i'll ever get.

The doctor's office, supposedly, called and left a message for me to come in the next day after the cancellation because they had a concern for ohss too. Unfortunately, i did not get the message and assumed that all the bloat was normal. Funny, huh?

By the time they called to follow up, i wasnt so bloated anymore and i figured i didnt need to go in anymore. I'm feeling better. I'm still a little bloated, but a mild case of ohss is treated with rest and more rest.

So, that's where we're at. Exciting case of ohss.

Monday, August 14, 2006

IVF 2: Cancelled

More details to come, mostly, it's virtually identical to the cancellation of ivf 1.

And again, i am stunned. I feel like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football and only to have it be yanked away. I am stunned that i am stunned. It's like, didnt this just happen? When am i going to get a clue? When i am going to read the freakin writing on the wall? When?

I'm glad that we tried. It failed. Again. It's tragic. It's another failure. You win some, you lose some. And we've lost some this year.

In the end, i still feel incredibly grateful for the blessings that i have. It wouldn't be life if you didnt experience some tragedy, if you didnt experience disappointment. I dont want this disappointment to blot out the rest of the blessings in my life. I dont live in a war-torn country. I have not lost a spouse or even a family member to war. The economy in which my job is based has not been attacked or detroyed.

It's been a bad few weeks, we've taken a beating, but we're not the only ones. I feel incredibly blessed nonetheless that God has protected me from tragedies of other kinds, that God has blessed me with other successes (cant think of any at the mo, but there must be some, right?!). Finding dh was a great blessing, but i can hardly credit that with any success of my own. That's a miracle, straight from God. And, i suppose, if we're choosing miracles, that's one a lifetime of gratitude couldnt match nor could kids eclipse.

So thank God for all things. It's all good. Even the tragedies. You begin to see what really matters and how truly blessed you have been, unfulfilled worldly wishes notwithstandings.

I say this as i am doubled-over in the pain of ovulating 20 times over. So, i'd like to be forgiven for not necessarily being in my right mind, for going off on my pontificating tagents, as if i knew anything about life or the world.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Hot Shots Part Duex

Trigger was last night at 11:30. Sooo, retrieval is Monday. I think we're pushing it by delaying trigger, but the clinic knew about the whole sunday/no practice thing, so what's the point of triggering when there's no sperm. I took half the hcg i had last time because the estrodial and stuff was that high. I dont know what it was because dh took the message and didnt get that bit of info.

Anyway, we had a discussion with the fertility clinic about the whole third-person-must-transfer-tissue issue. Dh feels uncomfortable about having me waiting at the clinic like a sitting duck to find out that the cycle has been cancelled again. Apparently, dh is not quite over the first ivf cancellation and watching me one moment excited and happy and the next shattered. If that were to happen again, dh doesnt want me alone (without him) at the ivf clinic. So we asked the clinic if i could stay at the hospital during the fresh tese and if they were to find any, then i could bring it over myself to the ivf clinic. The clinic will not do anything to me, no retrieval or anything, unless and until they have the specimen. So why cant i just bring it myself?

The reason is because it puts a lot of stress on the staff to do things out of protocol. The nurse said that the prep time for me will be rushed. The last ivf i was preped in under 10 minutes and i waited 3 hours in a hospital gown and room to find out that the ivf was cancelled. So, i'd rather be "rushed," than suffer through that again. And, frankly, the staff should carry the burden of any extra stress the situation calls, not me. This is their business. But then i just found out that they only two do about 2 fresh teses a year! This clinic is pretty big, with offices all over. It's no small shop operation. But, they said, most people go with frozen sperm and then back up donor, instead of a fresh.

The thing is, the surgery for dh is at 7:30 am. The urologist cannot tell how long it will take (it is afterall a fishing expedition) but generalized an hour to an hour and half. Let's say then that i have the tissue by 9am. The clinic is less than 10 minutes away. Let's say i get there by 9:30. My retrieval isn't until 11:30. What happens to the tissue in that time? Will it live that long???

Oh well, so retrieval is scheduled for tomorrow, Monday, if they find sperm. If not, the cycle is cancelled. That's my news.

Kris, that site exactly the one! I think dh will get a kick out of it. Please send it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Night and Day ... oh and Humanity

Well, i'm feel better, emotionally. Not 100% back, but SO MUCH better than i was a few days ago, the difference is almost like night and day, heaven and hell. Seriously, for a moment i tried to figure out a way to sleep through the next week. It was that bad.

This has been a tough cycle--emotionally eviscerating. Either way, i will be glad when next week comes, just to put lupron, follistim, and menopure way behind me.

I am tired. Exhausted. Yes, my friends are out of town, but still! They can call. They can email. Then can ask. I am beginning to hate people. Really, i think i already do. I want to move somewhere far off, where people dont bother me.

That's why i need kids of my own so badly. To restore my faith in humanity...among other things.

Ok, but seriously, a coworker/friend stops by my office yesterday and sees my ridrimmed, bloodshot eyes, and notices that something's a little off with me. We have a nice little conversation about why things are off, namely that i'm doing ivf next week and i'm up to my nostrils in drugs. She was very sympathetic ... yesterday. There's only one office that separates me from her. Today, i dont see her at all. Is that weird? No, i really wanna know, is it me or does humanity just suck? Why the heck dont you ask about a girl who shows up to work drugged up and bugged out?

That's one of the reason i didnt tell many people at work about ivf this cycle. Nyeh. Who cares, right?

On another note, we're having second thoughts on the person who gets to carry the precious tissue on aspiration day. Dh wants ME to ask HIS sister, the one who flaked out on us last time. Umm, like, i'm still a little pissed about last time. So, how do you suggest i get her cooperation (and compassion) this time? Huh?

It's aggravation all around the nation.

This has been a tough cycle, thank God for all things. Even the meds sting going in, and i, oddly, start to giggle, which causes my belly to jiggle and, no doubt, raises serious, SERIOUS, question in dh's mind as to the 'fine' speciman of the FAT woman he married. Fatty. Why did i ever think having him do injections would be a good thing?

So, i'm no longer crying nonstop. Yay for miracles. Dh and i are schleppin along, this cycle having battered us both.

On a comical note, we aspirate afterall on Sunday HAHAHAHAHAHA. You know why that would NOT BE GOOD? Because, his doctor and the hospital do not practice medicine on holy days. People stop needing medical care. Everyone attends church, instead, especially those needing medical care.

ok, but enough about me on drugs, someone tell me who wrote an awesome post about how hot hell is...the one where the student wrote the answer on the test? Some people need to read it.

Seriously, like humanity.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Dawg Daze of IVF

Thank you everyone for your kind, thoughtful recommendations to while away the time. So much to do, so little time. The problem is i get really bored at work. By the time i get home, there's limited time to start a project, even cooking (sadly, sniff, sniff). Interesting that Nikkinix suggested a tree house, (which is precisely the thing i like to do, along with scrapbooking, play(writing), chocolate making (and eating), and even cleaning house), because last cycle i got into planning a deck. I figured that if the ivf failed, at least i'd have my deck to cry on (i know, it makes no sense. tell that to a woman on stims). Anyway, the ivf was a bust and so was the deck. Our taxes went through the roof and there went our entire deck budget. Fun, fun times.

But, in the end, after confessing to my struggles with this two week wait before the real two week wait, I ended up settling down on two crochet projects, a backpack and a winnie the pooh. Suddenly, i love winnie the pooh. That is definitely drug induced.

And then i took Friday off and we went away to Wisconsin. Of course, we forgot the medicine and had a huge fiasco with that. Basically, we forgot to bring enough dosage of the stims. The insurance wouldnt cover a new vial without prior authorization and phone calls to every manager in their department, who do not happen to work on weekends. Then i called 4 drug stores, the last one having a box... for THREE HUNDRED THIRTY DOLLARS, which was worth it to me (it's the drugs i tell ya) to save the mini vacation trip and the 4 hour drive back home. In the end, the friends we were staying with had their oldest son drive to our house, pick it up, and drive back. Thank God.

Then i cooked a massive amount of food. Morroccan couscous with lamb and vegetables, Indian creamed spinach and corn (Yum-O), taboule salad, ground turkey and peas served over basmati rice. Did i mention that the next best thing to eating is cooking. Love that.

And that was it. Before you knew it, the weekend was over.

We drove an hour and a half back when i discovered that i completely. forgot. my. crochet. projects. I cried the rest of the way home. And all through Monday. Well, the thing is, i finally finally found something to fill my time, ya know? This after the long dry spell. And it was too late to turn back, we had to see our cats and get home in time to go to bed to start the next work day.

Today, i missed the train, caught another one, but sat in the crap cart ... you know, the one with the bathroom, i hate those, then the guy next to me is playing his music loud enough so it's an annoying buzz in my ear the whole ride. Normally i have my own headphones to drown out the nonsense of other people, but i FORGOT THAT TOO! Between the "sanitized" bathroom smell (which smells like an airplane bathroom but still disgusting to me) and the buzz in my ear, i had a peachy morning.

And, i just feel like crying ALL.THE.TIME. I dont want to be at work. I dont want the added stress of having to get up at a certain time, finding something to iron and wear, catching a train, so i can come to work and wait for the day to move the heck on.

Three more days until the week is over. Just three more days. Everything else is moving along similar to last cycle, which make me feel like this is going in the same direction as the last cycle. Needless to say, depressing.

I cant wait until this is over. I want my mind and body and emotions back. I feel occupied and preoccupied by drugs. Everything i normally do cant get done. I'm just waiting. And again, all of my toys have been taken away. I would restart the projects, but i cant get those instructions anywhere. Ever notice how crochet has been on the decline in the past 10 years? This is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say, if i ever see an interesting pattern to crochet, i buy it, regardless of whether i want to actually do it in the near future.

I started a new drug yesterday. Menopure. It's supposed to help with the dip in the estrogen that we had last time.

Speaking of the drugs ... is all this stuff supposed to refrigerated?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


This may be as close to a 2 week wait as i will get. But it feels so much worse. There's no anticipation of maybe maybe maybe a bfp. There's only anticipation of maybe maybe maybe there'll be sperm. Add to that that i am drugged up and all of my normal coping mechanisms have been knocked out and we are left with one very bored, ansy, tear-eyed, chocolate-scarfing, fat fertile soul.

Moreover, all of my friends have left the country. Literally. Ok, not the whole country, but still, they're not available. I'm kind of really alone this cycle. Dh is with me and it's a lot for him to handle by himself. It's hard for me to stop a massive sob attack to sit and explain why and how it started. Actually, i think he can handle the massive sob attacks. Unfortunately, they mostly happen at work, so by the time i get home with a ton of unnecessary purchases, it's hard to explain why and how those purchases stemmed a monstrous (and embarrassing) deluge of tears at work. Heck, i'm embarrassed to try to rationalize why shopping makes me feel better. But, for the while that i am shopping (or eating chocolate) i do not feel like crying. And that's enough explanation for me at this time, thank you very much.

But did you know that the combination of bcp, lupron, and the knowledge that this might not work out causes one to cry herself to sleep or go to bed with a migraine every night? I, unfortunately, did not know this until very very recently. The things you learn while doing ivf, i tell ya .... is actually way much more than i ever wanted to know about a body.

Too late now.

There's nothing i can do now but wait ... 16 days. S-I-X-T-E-E-N W-H-O-L-E D-A-Y-S. I estimate 16 days to aspiration. i dont know for sure. Yesterday was CD1. We'll find out more as the days progress. But it's about 16 days until we know if we are allowed to even pass go.

It feels like it's taken the longest time to get to this point, and i still have a whopping two more weeks to go. More than two weeks. I dont know what i will do with myself. I dont feel like reading or writing. A lot of the projects i start become boring very fast. I'm watching tv and renting movies, but that gets, you know, boring! Work is also boring. Life is suddenly so unbelievably slow.

In two weeks i will know if we can go forward with ivf or not, go forward with babymaking or not.

I didnt realize this would be so difficult. Last cycle we did not have to contend with this. We did not know the frozen vials wouldnt produce anything viable. We were blissfully ignorant at this stage.

But now it's different. By the end of the day, i'm just waiting for the time to draw nearer. I'm just waiting to know. And this has been the most difficult wait. And believe me, i'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied. But for the first time, my resources are failing me. It's like someone's taken away all of my toys and has told me to stand very still while i wait a long time. What am i going to do with myself for another 2 weeks?