Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Again With the Scene of the Crime

I had to go back to the factory clinic TWICE to deal with ohss. My ovaries were enlarged and still are, but the swelling is going down, thank God.

But i hate going back there. It's the place of so much hope and sadness. Today we talked about options and we had the dreaded donor and/or adoption discussion. I'm not ready for all these so called options. A part of me is like, yes, yes, yes, i cant wait, let's go forward, try again, me wannabe mommy, especially when i am back at that place of hope talking to the doctor, especially when i'm talking to the doctor. My RE is so nice. I want to be her friend. I want her to adopt me. And when she starts talkin, i feel like, ahuh, ahuh, yes, yes, ahuh, ahuh, ok, ok, sign me up!!! Time is a tickin and dont want to waste a single fertile moment. Cant waste a fertile moment, right? We got to take advantage of every gosh darn fertile moment that ever was to exist in time.

And if i think long enough about it, i can forget about these past 9 months of agony, about this month in particular being so bad, about the promise i made to myself to be content with good health.

But i cant do that to myself. No matter how attractive the so called lure and regardless of all the lost sand through the hourglass, i know i need a break. I need a freakin break. I dont want to think about anything baby-wise for at least two hundred years. Ok, but i'll settle for two ... years. RE says that if i want to do anything else ivf-wise, it needs to be done in a year, or it's all downhill from there.

But i cant use that as my guide. I cant get on another baby chase out of fear for time when i'm not really sure about myself anymore. It's not that i dont want a baby, but all this wanting has ever done for me is lead to heartbreak. And right now, i dont want another heartbreak, i dont want anymore sadness, i want to refocus my energies onto something else for a while. I want to give something else a chance to be successful or else my life will be forever defined by the collassal failure of us to conceive. It didnt work for us. Time to try something new, time to try an endeavor that has a greater likelihood of bringing joy and happiness into our lives.

I dont know what that endeavor is. I just know that it's not in the babyworld. So for now, i am taking a break and getting back in touch with myself. This was my reaction after the first ivf, but i pressed forward onto the second ivf because time was a factor in a slow case of vanishing sperm.

Anyway, i'll be around as i try to figure out what to do with my life, but i dont think i will be visiting many ivf/ttc sites in the near future. I really appreciate all of your support and kind words, and i wish you all success in your endeavors, baby chases and all.


At 12:42 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

I don't know whether to say so long or fare well. Both I suppose. Fare well, with your new endeavour. And so long, I'll be joining you before too long.

At 5:58 AM, Anonymous amanda said...

I really hope the break, whatever you may decide to do with it, serves you well. Wishing you all the best.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I hope you have a renewing break and it brings you some acceptance and clarity on next steps. I admire your strength in handling all of these obstacles, and wish you all the best. I'd love to hear a post from you every once in a while, even if you don't have anything related to IF to talk about.

Wishing you all the best!

At 3:31 PM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

You are filled with so much wisdom, i really admire your strength, courage and honesty. I am so glad I found your blog.

Please keep blogging though, about a new topic or whatever new endeavor you are a fabulous writer!

And please still visit my blog, its about my crazy life here in Cairo, not IVF at the moment, as you know....hugs my dear sister....xoxoxoxoxo

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

Did someone say cabbage? I just posted it...let me know how it works...don't worry it sounds complicated but it just has a lot of steps....Enjoy....xoxoxoxoxo

At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Good luck to you. I really do sympathize- IF is a hard place to be, particularly post collosal failure. I hope you find something that brings joy back into your life. Please keep blogging, even if it has nothing to do with IF.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Kris said...

I'll miss you. I hope you find what you are looking for. Best wishes!


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