2WW

This may be as close to a 2 week wait as i will get. But it feels so much worse. There's no anticipation of maybe maybe maybe a bfp. There's only anticipation of maybe maybe maybe there'll be sperm. Add to that that i am drugged up and all of my normal coping mechanisms have been knocked out and we are left with one very bored, ansy, tear-eyed, chocolate-scarfing, fat fertile soul.

Moreover, all of my friends have left the country. Literally. Ok, not the whole country, but still, they're not available. I'm kind of really alone this cycle. Dh is with me and it's a lot for him to handle by himself. It's hard for me to stop a massive sob attack to sit and explain why and how it started. Actually, i think he can handle the massive sob attacks. Unfortunately, they mostly happen at work, so by the time i get home with a ton of unnecessary purchases, it's hard to explain why and how those purchases stemmed a monstrous (and embarrassing) deluge of tears at work. Heck, i'm embarrassed to try to rationalize why shopping makes me feel better. But, for the while that i am shopping (or eating chocolate) i do not feel like crying. And that's enough explanation for me at this time, thank you very much.

But did you know that the combination of bcp, lupron, and the knowledge that this might not work out causes one to cry herself to sleep or go to bed with a migraine every night? I, unfortunately, did not know this until very very recently. The things you learn while doing ivf, i tell ya .... is actually way much more than i ever wanted to know about a body.

Too late now.

There's nothing i can do now but wait ... 16 days. S-I-X-T-E-E-N W-H-O-L-E D-A-Y-S. I estimate 16 days to aspiration. i dont know for sure. Yesterday was CD1. We'll find out more as the days progress. But it's about 16 days until we know if we are allowed to even pass go.

It feels like it's taken the longest time to get to this point, and i still have a whopping two more weeks to go. More than two weeks. I dont know what i will do with myself. I dont feel like reading or writing. A lot of the projects i start become boring very fast. I'm watching tv and renting movies, but that gets, you know, boring! Work is also boring. Life is suddenly so unbelievably slow.

In two weeks i will know if we can go forward with ivf or not, go forward with babymaking or not.

I didnt realize this would be so difficult. Last cycle we did not have to contend with this. We did not know the frozen vials wouldnt produce anything viable. We were blissfully ignorant at this stage.

But now it's different. By the end of the day, i'm just waiting for the time to draw nearer. I'm just waiting to know. And this has been the most difficult wait. And believe me, i'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied. But for the first time, my resources are failing me. It's like someone's taken away all of my toys and has told me to stand very still while i wait a long time. What am i going to do with myself for another 2 weeks?