Tuesday, August 01, 2006


This may be as close to a 2 week wait as i will get. But it feels so much worse. There's no anticipation of maybe maybe maybe a bfp. There's only anticipation of maybe maybe maybe there'll be sperm. Add to that that i am drugged up and all of my normal coping mechanisms have been knocked out and we are left with one very bored, ansy, tear-eyed, chocolate-scarfing, fat fertile soul.

Moreover, all of my friends have left the country. Literally. Ok, not the whole country, but still, they're not available. I'm kind of really alone this cycle. Dh is with me and it's a lot for him to handle by himself. It's hard for me to stop a massive sob attack to sit and explain why and how it started. Actually, i think he can handle the massive sob attacks. Unfortunately, they mostly happen at work, so by the time i get home with a ton of unnecessary purchases, it's hard to explain why and how those purchases stemmed a monstrous (and embarrassing) deluge of tears at work. Heck, i'm embarrassed to try to rationalize why shopping makes me feel better. But, for the while that i am shopping (or eating chocolate) i do not feel like crying. And that's enough explanation for me at this time, thank you very much.

But did you know that the combination of bcp, lupron, and the knowledge that this might not work out causes one to cry herself to sleep or go to bed with a migraine every night? I, unfortunately, did not know this until very very recently. The things you learn while doing ivf, i tell ya .... is actually way much more than i ever wanted to know about a body.

Too late now.

There's nothing i can do now but wait ... 16 days. S-I-X-T-E-E-N W-H-O-L-E D-A-Y-S. I estimate 16 days to aspiration. i dont know for sure. Yesterday was CD1. We'll find out more as the days progress. But it's about 16 days until we know if we are allowed to even pass go.

It feels like it's taken the longest time to get to this point, and i still have a whopping two more weeks to go. More than two weeks. I dont know what i will do with myself. I dont feel like reading or writing. A lot of the projects i start become boring very fast. I'm watching tv and renting movies, but that gets, you know, boring! Work is also boring. Life is suddenly so unbelievably slow.

In two weeks i will know if we can go forward with ivf or not, go forward with babymaking or not.

I didnt realize this would be so difficult. Last cycle we did not have to contend with this. We did not know the frozen vials wouldnt produce anything viable. We were blissfully ignorant at this stage.

But now it's different. By the end of the day, i'm just waiting for the time to draw nearer. I'm just waiting to know. And this has been the most difficult wait. And believe me, i'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied. But for the first time, my resources are failing me. It's like someone's taken away all of my toys and has told me to stand very still while i wait a long time. What am i going to do with myself for another 2 weeks?


At 5:06 AM, Blogger NikkiNix said...

Awwww I feel it for you sweetie!

Is there a chit chat group at your clinic, you're probably not alone. Is there a counsellor you could spend your money on instead of shopping up a huge debt? LOL You're swhooting daggers into my eyeballs aren't you :) Naa naa you don't know where to find me.

Okay, sewriously now. Can you do something so you are not alone? Alone time breeds depression my friend - trust me!! Could you take a little trip somewhere different to occupy your time, perhaps meet Hubby where he is or drop in on one of your out of town friends? You cant be alone, you just cant - the anxiety will cost you at least 10 LBS, then you'll be depressed and need to shop for new pants - jeez!

A play?
A class like photography or something?
Build a tree house, go to the lumber store, get the pattern, the materials and the tools and build the darn thing and paint it like candyland or something... it'll take you the 2WW !!

I dunno hun... something ? You can come visit me in Toronto and clean my house .... duh! There's an idea :D I'll even pay you & feed you chocolate !!

LOL, lemm eknow what you come up with!

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Waiting sucks. No other way to say it. I can only imagine the worry you are feeling based on last time.

Lupron gave me headaches too, just before I started the stims. Ugh.

I'm trying to stay distracted too... I have a whole 7 weeks to go until I even start BCP... ugh.

At least you have found an activity (shopping) which adequately distracts you. Just too bad that it costs money!

Hang in there!

At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I really hope they are able to find viable sperm this time and that you find ways to maintain your sanity through this rough time. This IVF crap is so unbelievably hard.

At 12:17 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

Waiting, especially this type of waiting, sucks beyond belief. I so hope the next two weeks go by as quickly as possible and that when those two weeks are up you get great news on the sperm front, and egg front, and well, all the fronts.

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Summer said...

Waiting sucks when you have all the certainty in the world that something will happen. When there is uncertainty, it is almost unbearable. I hope you find good news at the end of this wait and you get to start a different kind of unbearable wait.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

The waiting is so hard, and unfortunately you do a lot of it when you are going through IVF. Hang in there. I hope that these next sixteen days pass quickly for you.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger StellaNova said...

You poor thing! This must the worst kind of 2WW there could be. I hope you find what you're looking for at the end of it.

At 4:52 AM, Blogger Vee said...

All the best and I hope it flys by for you !

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

The waiting game, we all know it too well. I'm with Nikki, try to do something different, take a little trip, meet your husband for a nice dinner, away from home, have something gooey and chocolaty for dessert....you know try to get your mind off TIME, if only for a little while. I know, I know not easy, but try it and see if you even enjoy yourself for that time? I think you would, you are a fertile soul and fertile soul's can be magical...

Of course you could always come to Cairo, the time FLIES by here...really you are most welcome anytime!!!

At 6:43 PM, Blogger The Town Criers said...

This is the new hobby I assign you for the 2ww...making chocolates. And it's guilt-free because you made them.

I once did that...spent the whole wait trying to figure out how to make a cornstarch mold for flavoured liquors a la Jacques Pepin. It didn't work. Cornstarch everywhere. But at least I obsessed about something else. Hang in there.

At 6:36 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Fertile Soul - I can only imagine the type of pressure you must be feeling right now. You are making me worry. Sixteen days is a long time away, and you sound so messy.. I wish there was something I could do. My love to you, friend. Pleas take care. xxxxx

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Kris said...

What to do, what to do? I can't even begin to suggest...I tried to arrange piano lessons for myself. You know, just something else to think about. NO ONE called me back. Even when I try to get my mind off things, I fail. I hope you find something interesting to help you through the days.

At 3:51 AM, Blogger N said...

what a horrible 2wwplus2d wait.

I hope time passes quickly. What to do to make time fly by? Knitting? Puzzling? Blogging? I don't know.

I'll tag you in my tagging post, which is about to come up in the next days. Prepare yourself!

Good luck with the waiting, and hopefully there will be some sperm!



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