Wednesday, July 05, 2006

IVF 2: Perchance to Dream

Someone, please slap me with a wet noodle already. Would you believe that i actually ACTUALLY had a smidge of hope that i would not have to do ivf2. Yes, well, with 2 weeks of food cravings and sensitive boobs and an unbelieveable sharp pain in my abdomen two weeks ago, that lasted an hour, i thought that, well, AF wont come. I'm really too embarrassed (read ashamed and humiliated) to come out and say that i hoped i'd be pregnant.

And now i feel so stupid. And low. And despirted. And weepy. And especially stupid ... because AF ALWAYS COMES. You'd think i would know not to get any hopes up. You'd think i know!

I just want to have a baby. That's all. I just really want it. And, well, i've been praying for it. And, we've been taking our vitamins and doing acupuncutre. And well, i just thought that maybe something would work. Yeah, so, it's natural to think maybe something different happened, especially when i had this weird sharp cramping. And i'd rather think it's something good since my doctor second guessed my first thought, appendicitis.

Anyway, so, AF came today. Just as i predicted... July 5ish. Couldn't have nailed it better, i'd say. And this time, i even thought i miscalculated (prayed, hoped, pleaded, cried). But no. It's here. And so we usher in a new cycle. I have to go for an ultrasound before bcp. I'll call tomorrow for an appt.

In the meantime, my sister called me today to say:

Sis: I found out what i'm having.
Me: (still dazed and confused and crying about AF and stunned that Sis wants to know the gender of her baby) you did?
Sis: Yeah, you wanna know what it is?
Me: (Oh God, can this day become any more miserable?) Yeah, if you know, i want to know.
Sis: Well, you dont have to know.
Me: (huh? you prolonging this agony for some particular purpose? just get it frickin over with) How would that fly? If everyone around me knows and i dont?
Sis: Yeah, you're right. It's a boy.
Me: That's great (God bless him)
Sis: yeah, i knew it, cuz i had a dream

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ever wish for a sudden case of narcolepsy? To sleep, perchance to dream?

I wish i could be dreaming now, man o man.

8 Comments:

At 3:05 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

You know fertile soul, we are so much alike. Every time I read your blog, its like I could be reading my own mind.

I too wish and hope and pray each month that AF won't come. My came July 5th too! I had sharp pains, eating like a crazed pig, sore boobs the whole thing and as always, you know how reliable she is, she came.

And its the same scenario each month, I tell my husband, he hugs me and says don't worry. I cry, hug him and wish one day AF calls in sick and doesn't show. We know better though don't we? We have to feel this way each month though, it wouldn't be right if we didn't.

Listen, we will by the Will of God and the great science of medicine, both have a successful IVF 2 very soon- I can feel it.

Sending you hugs, hope and Always....

 
At 4:15 AM, Blogger StellaNova said...

This was my last month before IVF2 as well. I too had convinced myself that everything was a sign. I gave myself sore boobs by squeezing them to check about 100 times each day. I was sure that I had by some miracle been able to win and avoid the next round. I was even starting to imagine what I would spend the money on instead. Then my blood test on Monday crushed all of those hopes and all of the symptoms disappeared, just like that.

I started my suppression injections on Monday night and I should start my period this weekend.

It's hard, isn't it? We want it so much we play all kinds of tricks on ourselves. I hope this next cycle is the one for all of us.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger Sunnie said...

Can I just slap your sister with a wet noodle :) hehehe Just jokes...I kid, I kid. :)

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger Kris said...

Sorry about AF- and don't at all feel ashamed or humiliated that you hoped you'd gotten pregnant ye olde fashioned way. Anyone who says they don't think that before their period arrives is lying. After all, if we didn't have any hope at all, why would we continue trying? I really hope this works out for you.

Now I'm just going to show my ignorance- what does TESE stand for?

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger seattlegal said...

Sorry about AF coming and sorry about the phone call with your sister.

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh, Fertile Soul... I so know where you're coming from... despite less than 100,000 sperm, I still partially hope we can somehow win the natural baby lottery.

Sleeping sounds good to me.

I'm certainly hearin' ya.

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger chris said...

Ouch. My sister has impeccable timing too. Perhaps we're related?

Hang in there and good luck with IVF#2.

 
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