Thursday, June 08, 2006

An Interesting Thing About Life (cuz, yanno, i know all about it)

Thank you everyone for commiserating with me. I feel much better. Ahh ... surprisingly so. I had a little talk with myself and it went something like:

Me: Self, what the F*&#@%!$* is wrong with you, huh?! This is WAY too much crying, girl.
Self: Well, i'm really disappointed. I really wanted to have a baby by now.
Me: I'm sorry, girl, but that's what you say, is it really what you wanted?
Self: I just thought that i would have a baby by now and i would be moving onto that part of my life wherein i got to undo all the wrongs of my childhood by doing right by my kids.
Me: Whoa, that's screwed up.
Self: It makes perfect, beautiful sense to me, like music. I'd be a perfect mom. I know exactly what NOT to do to a child. Besides, it's time some things went a little right in my life. And i've been waiting a long LONG time to tip the scales back in favor of a little justice in my corner. I suffered through a lifetime of injustice on the hope of the sweet justice of my child. Nothing in the past mattered so long as the future was okay.
Me: Oh well, that's a nifty little bind of your own making. So, by definition, your future can't be ok, ever, unless you have kids. By definition, you're doomed to a miserable unhappy life, unless you get the kids to fix it?
Self: I never thought about not having kids.
Me: But are kids the only way to right your past?
Self: ... huh?
Me: Do you really need kids to make peace with your past?
Self: come again?
Me: Do you really think your kids will make you all right with your rotten stinkin childhood?
Self: It's one way.
Me: But you see, it's not so much about your kids as it is about your unjust childhood.
Self: Yes, it was a misspent childhood. I promised myself that my kids would never suffer the same fate.
Me: But it's not too late for you. You dont need to live vicariously through your kids. You can fix the wrongs of an unjust youth yourself. It's not too late. You dont have to wait to have kids to finally get the right treatment, to finally be treated right, to finally treat yourself right.
Self: You're right. You're so right. It's just so SOoooooooooo much easier thinking that my kids will save me.
Me: Save yourself.

So, after this little conversation with self, i realized that i'm not so totally bugged about my sister. That's a pain that smarts, but it's not the end of my life as i know it (which is how i can feel sometimes about being babyless). Anytime i come face to face with the reality that i'm not getting the one thing i promised myself as a child to justify what i suffered, the pain of what i actually suffered returns, making that moment as painful as an unjust childhood. But the two, in reality, are not the same. The unjust childhood was bad and is entitled to it's due, but it's not equal to the pain of a sister getting pregnant before me. That's way ok. Like i said, it just smarts, like a ripped bandaid, not a gash in the heart like a robbed childhood.

Ok? But enough about me already, even though, i really think i'm beginning to figure out this baby thing so much more. It's not about the baby. It's about me. If i'm ok with me, totally and fully ok with my life as it is, as it was, and as it becomes, then i will be ok with or without baby. Baby is along for the joyride of my life. Not vice versa.

The question is, how much of a joy have i not allowed my life to be, given that i've been waiting for baby to bring it all in? As if i cant make joy for myself? Who ever sold me that lie?

Life is good and God is great, all the time, come what may, it's all good.

Thank God.


At 4:33 AM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Just caught up on your blog and my heart goes out to you. I had 'the call' from my sister last year after she'd emphatically told me she was NOT pregnant, but she actually was and I had not long before miscarried twins- her timing was so bad I almost felt like it was designed to hurt me the most. It wasn't, it just hurt so much.
IVF is a craptacularly erratic road, I've had cycles go arse up and others turn out ok, I only hope that your next cycle gives you what you truly deserve.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

What a very smart 'self' you have. I'm glad you were able to have such a productive dialogue - must save thousands on therapy! I'm glad you're coming to terms with your sister's news. Must be so hard.

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Wow, an amazing dialogue, save yourself -- that's brilliant. And difficult. The trick is to figure out how to be happy with what you have and stop pining for things you ain't got. I sometimes wonder if I wasted 5 years in this pursuit but I don't think now it was wasted, it just was what it was. Warts and all.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I had a moment of serenity reading your post. Thank you. I'm now back to my normal self, but hope someday to feel happy and at peace with my life, I hope someday to save myself.

As for you, as long as you continue those enlightening conversations with that clever girl in your head, I think you will have no problem saving you.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Chelsi said...

That's quite a revelation!!! Wow, you've raised such a good point. It's easy to get so caught up in the "when I have a baby" then I'll be happy scenario. How easily we all get entranced with the future, that we forget the here and now!! Your inner dialogue is so right on....
Sorry about your sisters news, I know that must have been a dagger in the heart. Hang in there...

At 4:14 AM, Blogger Sunnie said...

Sometimes you gotta talk to yourself when me just doesn't understand :)


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