Retrieval Day

We arrived early at 6:50 a.m. They only do one retrieval at a time, and we were first in line. I was so nervous about not having any eggs. All signs of bloat disappeared, and i felt nothing in the ovary regions ... nothing.

We're put in a room and the nurse gives us the run down for the rest of the day and the coming weeks. More doxicylin today, progesterone starts tonight, baby aspirin starts tomorrow, and metho-something else.

Next, we wait for the anestesiologist to come in and hook me up to an iv. It's a LONG wait. In the meantime, we discover that our room has another bed just beyond the wall and that it's actually a double room. Another couple walks in, and we are separated by a curtain.

The fellow ivf-er in the room is told that the wait is going to be another hour and a half. So we're all waiting.

I can see feet walk by from beneath my curtain. We are told that the procedure room is right next door. I watch as feet go in and feet come out. Then someone on a wheelchair is rolled out. Other people are being let in ahead of us.

Then the RE finally comes in to talk to us. She's not our RE, but the one filling in. She says that there's a chance that we will cancel the retrieval. The embryologists can't find any sperm in the three vials we had frozen. I cant believe it. I just cant believe it. The urolgoist was so confident in the sample. He's the president of some urological association, and he's one of the top rated infertility urologists in our area. And he was so convinced that doing a fresh tesa wouldnt be necessary, so convinced that if the embryologists reallys looked, they would find something. I prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED for them to find something, just look one more time. Oh God, please, please, PLEASE.

In the end, there was no sperm, and the procedure was cancelled. We left with the feeling of having our tails tucked neatly between our legs. It was awful, and the couple in the room next to us was so silent as the doctor delivered our news, that they, no doubt, heard. As if it's not bad enough that this is going on, but it's gotta be public too?

I am in shock now, still. Like i really expect the doctor's office to call and tell me there was some mistake. My ovaries are none too happy either, cramping and hurting. I can hardly stand up straight from the pressure and pain of wanting to ovulate 20x over.

But i cant believe this has happened. We were rescued from permanent infertility on the hope of those vials. And now, we're suddenly back to square one? Why? Towards the end of the mourning, i accepted our situation, made peace, and began to move on. And now, i feel slapped back to beginning of it all.

I was doing fine before ivf. I didnt need this trip. This is the last thing i ever wanted to do with my life. But, once i started it, i discovered that it wasnt so bad. The needles, the early morning doctor visits, the medication ... wasn't so scary as i thought. In fact, there were many evenings where i would start giggling right before an injection, which would cause my belly girate and make injection difficult, and dh would say "stop jiggling," which would make me start laughing all over again. In a way, it was a whole lot funner than i ever thought imaginable.

But then to go through all that to end up here? Cancelled at the 11th hour?

I dont know what to make of it. Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Why did i get pulled off the good progress i made with living with permanent infertility only to get smacked with it again? I mean, this again?

I dont know what to think, i just know it's been a bad day.

Where is the moment we need the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Bad Day by Daniel Powter