Sunday, April 23, 2006

Retrieval Day

We arrived early at 6:50 a.m. They only do one retrieval at a time, and we were first in line. I was so nervous about not having any eggs. All signs of bloat disappeared, and i felt nothing in the ovary regions ... nothing.

We're put in a room and the nurse gives us the run down for the rest of the day and the coming weeks. More doxicylin today, progesterone starts tonight, baby aspirin starts tomorrow, and metho-something else.

Next, we wait for the anestesiologist to come in and hook me up to an iv. It's a LONG wait. In the meantime, we discover that our room has another bed just beyond the wall and that it's actually a double room. Another couple walks in, and we are separated by a curtain.

The fellow ivf-er in the room is told that the wait is going to be another hour and a half. So we're all waiting.

I can see feet walk by from beneath my curtain. We are told that the procedure room is right next door. I watch as feet go in and feet come out. Then someone on a wheelchair is rolled out. Other people are being let in ahead of us.

Then the RE finally comes in to talk to us. She's not our RE, but the one filling in. She says that there's a chance that we will cancel the retrieval. The embryologists can't find any sperm in the three vials we had frozen. I cant believe it. I just cant believe it. The urolgoist was so confident in the sample. He's the president of some urological association, and he's one of the top rated infertility urologists in our area. And he was so convinced that doing a fresh tesa wouldnt be necessary, so convinced that if the embryologists reallys looked, they would find something. I prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED for them to find something, just look one more time. Oh God, please, please, PLEASE.

In the end, there was no sperm, and the procedure was cancelled. We left with the feeling of having our tails tucked neatly between our legs. It was awful, and the couple in the room next to us was so silent as the doctor delivered our news, that they, no doubt, heard. As if it's not bad enough that this is going on, but it's gotta be public too?

I am in shock now, still. Like i really expect the doctor's office to call and tell me there was some mistake. My ovaries are none too happy either, cramping and hurting. I can hardly stand up straight from the pressure and pain of wanting to ovulate 20x over.

But i cant believe this has happened. We were rescued from permanent infertility on the hope of those vials. And now, we're suddenly back to square one? Why? Towards the end of the mourning, i accepted our situation, made peace, and began to move on. And now, i feel slapped back to beginning of it all.

I was doing fine before ivf. I didnt need this trip. This is the last thing i ever wanted to do with my life. But, once i started it, i discovered that it wasnt so bad. The needles, the early morning doctor visits, the medication ... wasn't so scary as i thought. In fact, there were many evenings where i would start giggling right before an injection, which would cause my belly girate and make injection difficult, and dh would say "stop jiggling," which would make me start laughing all over again. In a way, it was a whole lot funner than i ever thought imaginable.

But then to go through all that to end up here? Cancelled at the 11th hour?

I dont know what to make of it. Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Why did i get pulled off the good progress i made with living with permanent infertility only to get smacked with it again? I mean, this again?

I dont know what to think, i just know it's been a bad day.

Where is the moment we need the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong


So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Bad Day by Daniel Powter


At 5:47 PM, Blogger zhl said...

I am so sorry to hear this. How unbelievably diasppointing. I don't know why this shit happens, but I do know you aren't a bad person, and you aren't being punished. It just feels that way.

Thinking of both of you.

At 7:12 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I am so, so sorry. I know that's inadequate, but there are just no words...

I also don't know why the spectacularly shitty things happen to us, and believe me, I've screamed at the heavens for answers. But I know it has nothing to do with anything you have or have not done. I know that's small consolation now.

I was so hopeful for you and my heart is breaking for you and how you must be feeling. You and your dh are in my thoughts and prayers.

At 7:29 PM, Anonymous amanda said...

Oh, no. I'm so terribly sorry. You are most definitely not a bad person and are not being punished. I don't know how much I've learned throughout all of this crap, but I do know that sometimes, ok a lot of times, there just aren't answers to be had. I really wish there were, though. You guys are in my thoughts.

At 7:42 PM, Anonymous jill said...

I am so sorry, which I know doesn't help or fix your situation.
It's not you. It's not you. It's really not you. Sometimes people fuck up their jobs and the rest of us are left to ask "what did I do wrong?" which is an unfair burden for you to bear. You did nothing wrong and somebody f*#%ed up. I am so sorry to use such strong language, but I am so sorry for all of us IVFers always taking the blame and treading on eggshells around our doctors.
Please take care of yourself. I know this whole thing was a big stretch for you and I know that it gave you what you had thought was beyond your reach--hope. I am sorry that was snatched away from you. I hope that you don't lose that hope.

At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Crap, I can't believe they were so cavelier about the whole thing. What about trying to schedule an emergency TESE, or at least letting you know earlier than once you were there? And the doctor that said there'd be no need for fresh? Fresh is better anyway for maximizing chances of success. Ugh! I am so angry for you.

I'm sorry this is so hard. IF sucks so much.

At 8:37 PM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

We scheduled an emergency TESE, but found out the day before that it was scheduled at a clinic our insurance wont cover. So last minute, we were told that we'd have to fork over $20K for a fresh TESE, when all along we thought it was covered. Our worst fear was that our doctor wont want to do a fresh tese. He said it was unnecessary and unusual, but in the end he said ok. But then we found out that he was going to have his geeky, dweeby younger assistant do it for us at the uncovered clinic. When he was told that this was not covered by our insurance, he said to his business manager that "well, then they have a choice to make." You think it's that easy? Oh, let me go check my purse, see if i have 20k laying around.

Anyway, i was so confident about this working and we did try to schedule the fresh tese, except for the last minute fiasco.

Now, our option is to consider trying to schedule a fresh tese, trying to finance it, and hoping that the dr. will find something. His doctor and our RE said that if they found nothing in the viles, which were actual frozen slices of his tissue, then they probably wont find anything fresh.

I wish i had become a doctor, as i wanted. I chose a different graduate program because it was "less time" and i wanted to have children and didnt want to be away from home and "the kids" for that long. Can you imagine?

If i had become a doctor, i could at least afford the medical treatment that we need.

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I am so very sorry. It seems like such a mountian to climb and then you got up there and this happened! Your poor husband must be feeling awful too. Be good to each other and I hope that better days will come.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Donna said...

I'm sorry just doesn't begin to cover it, but it's all I can offer you at the moment. That and the firm knowledge that this has nothing to do with your merits as a person.

At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Georgia said...

I'm so, so, so sorry to read this.
Please take good care of yourselves. I can't imagine how painful this is.
Thinking of you.

At 6:44 AM, Blogger Drew said...

I'm sorry Jude.
Your story really touched me. Please take care of yourself in the mean time, and remember, this is the worst and things will only get better. I know I know no better - because I hate myself for my problems and tomorrow if somebody ask me to donate an organ or to join a cult just to be given a shot at motherhood I probably will.

Hang in there. You are very courageous already.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you. I'm thinking of you.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

I'm so terribly sorry. It's unimaginable that you're in such a situation. You're not being punished, and it's not because of anything you've done. There's a quote from the novel "Ordinary People" that comes to my mind: Life isn't good, or sane or fair or anything. It just is." Don't blame this on yourself.

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Sunnie said...

The funny thing about God is that our trials have nothing to do with his love for us. I am learning this lesson today as I faced another failed IUI (that never got to be an IUI) If God were to love each and every person less just because we have problems, would he really be God? That brings me comfort. I try to remember the things that I know are true about God instead of focusing on what I see in front of me.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger Coloratura said...

This sucks. Here on the West Coast I was hoping to see some good news in the MidWest... the IF world in these parts has been sucking, everybody's cycles are failing... so you are not alone. I don't know enough about your situation to know what is next for you, but I hope there are still options and choices and that you will find the strength to keep going. Sending good thoughts your way...

At 10:48 PM, Blogger linda said...

I can't even imagine the heartache this screw up must have caused you! To get so far (!) and then to have to make a decision between TESE out of pocket or cancelling the cycle. Please don't blame yourself here. They are the professionals here and this wasn't your fault at all.

At 1:39 PM, Blogger GiBee said...

I know this is hard. But God is not punishing you. In fact, he's reaching out to hold you and comfort you.

This is a difficult process ... one that may take several tries... be patient. And leave it at God's feet. Let him carry your pain.

Thinking of you and praying for both of you!

At 11:40 AM, Blogger Chelsi said...

I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing i can say to take away the pain. IF knows no age, no race, no socieconomic status, no personality traits. It sucks that it happens to such good people with no explanation. People that would make awesome parents. Like you and your hubby......

Hugs, Chelsi

At 2:02 PM, Blogger N said...

I know exactly what you are going through. What a shitty situation. We are there too.

Thank you for stopping by my blog and sharing your story. It's good to read that one is not alone, although of course I wish NOBODY would ever be in the situation you and I are in now. I am very frustrated, but still hopeful for the fresh cycle!

Good luck to you! I hope it's OK if I link your blog on mine so that I can keep an eye on how things are going for you!

Take care!


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