Monday, August 14, 2006

IVF 2: Cancelled

More details to come, mostly, it's virtually identical to the cancellation of ivf 1.

And again, i am stunned. I feel like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football and only to have it be yanked away. I am stunned that i am stunned. It's like, didnt this just happen? When am i going to get a clue? When i am going to read the freakin writing on the wall? When?

I'm glad that we tried. It failed. Again. It's tragic. It's another failure. You win some, you lose some. And we've lost some this year.

In the end, i still feel incredibly grateful for the blessings that i have. It wouldn't be life if you didnt experience some tragedy, if you didnt experience disappointment. I dont want this disappointment to blot out the rest of the blessings in my life. I dont live in a war-torn country. I have not lost a spouse or even a family member to war. The economy in which my job is based has not been attacked or detroyed.

It's been a bad few weeks, we've taken a beating, but we're not the only ones. I feel incredibly blessed nonetheless that God has protected me from tragedies of other kinds, that God has blessed me with other successes (cant think of any at the mo, but there must be some, right?!). Finding dh was a great blessing, but i can hardly credit that with any success of my own. That's a miracle, straight from God. And, i suppose, if we're choosing miracles, that's one a lifetime of gratitude couldnt match nor could kids eclipse.

So thank God for all things. It's all good. Even the tragedies. You begin to see what really matters and how truly blessed you have been, unfulfilled worldly wishes notwithstandings.

I say this as i am doubled-over in the pain of ovulating 20 times over. So, i'd like to be forgiven for not necessarily being in my right mind, for going off on my pontificating tagents, as if i knew anything about life or the world.

20 Comments:

At 7:42 PM, Blogger scifihippie said...

FS, I'm so sorry. I found your blogs this weekend and read every entry over the course of two days. I was anxious for you today and kept sending you good wishes. I'd hoped that my constant refreshing today would bring happy news from you.
Much love to you and DH from a total stranger who is heartbroken for you today.
Melissa

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh, I am so sorry. How unbelievably disappointing. Hope you and hubby can find some solace.

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh, fs, I am so sorry. I really really am. You are being amazingly brave and philosophical, and I am proud of you.

I hope you are ok. You have tried your hardest.

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger StellaNova said...

That's so disappointing for you ... you obviously have a positive attitude about everything else, but it still must be hard.
Take care.
xx

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Having such a good man is truly a blessing. I'm glad that you can still appreciate all of the good things in your life. I am very sorry that it was cancelled

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Lara said...

IF SUCKS ASS! That being said I can completely relate, while my IVFs have not been cancelled for the same reason, I've also had 2 cancelled IVFs and getting cancelled for me sucks the hope out of ever conceiving (at least for that month). It's such a hard thing to go through and I hope your ovu pain x 20 goes away soon too. Keep your chin up and if you need time to laze about in self pity eating ice cream and all those other comfort foods I say go for it! It's what I did a week or two ago when I got cancelled.

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I am so sorry for you and your hubbie. What an ordeal.

Praying for your peace.

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger Kris said...

I am so sorry. This is all so unfair. Thinking of you.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I am so sorry. It is bad enough when these things happen once but twice? You must be shocked and hurting so much. Take good care of yourself and your husband.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Donna said...

You have a remarkable attitude for someone in as much pain as you are (physical and emotional). Take care of yourself.

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous jill said...

I am so very sorry. I wish there was something better I could say. Please take care.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Hi FS,

I've just finished reading your archives.

Tragic is the right word to describe your IVF journey so far. I'm very sorry for you that it is.

I'm glad you find some comfort in the other blessings in your life. I find it so easy to lose sight of those.

Take care

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I'm so sorry you were cancelled, again. I'm glad you are taking some comfort in the things you do have. Sometimes IF and the feelings that come with it can overwhelm everything else in life. Thinking of you.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so very sorry FS. I can't even imagine how devastating this must be. Much love to you and your hubbie. Hugs.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger sube said...

I'm so sorry. I know how frustrating and painful it is to have a cycle canceled. You're in my thoughts.

 
At 5:25 AM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Oh crap, I'm so sorry.....

I admire your strength- take good care of each other. x

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

Oh my dear sister in IVF round two....malesh. (malesh = Common Egytian Arabic word for, so sorry, dont worry, it will be okay, etc. etc.)

I think you should take a vacation, come to Cairo and we could eat lots and lots of ice cream, chocolate, gourmet foods and everything else together.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss this time around again. But you know, you are SO RIGHT. We have so many blessings, even if we can't see them all at a time like this, its true they are there.

I am with you, we have especially to be thankful for our GREAT, WONDERFUL DH's, they were sent to us straight from God as you said. Our moods, crying, happiness, eating binges and all the wonderful, crazy stuff that comes along with the awesome IVF drugs, them dealing with this alone is worth the world.

So I am sending you virtual hugs and kisses and wishing for you to heal real fast.

You are indeed a Believer. Faith makes things like this bearable, not easy of course, but in the end we know there was a reason for this, its wisdom someday will be apparent to us....xoxoxoxoxo

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger seattlegal said...

I am so sorry!!!

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger N said...

Oh no I am so so sorry! Last time around, we got cancelled nearly at the same time. I can't believe it happened again. Fuck! Sorry....

I am so sad and extremely scared now to go into this whole process.

Again, I am so sorry, and wish I had better words of comfort!

 
At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm sooooo sorry. It is so bitterly painful when a cycle that you've pinned so many hopes and dreams to is cancelled. I'm really, truly sorry.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home