Monday, August 21, 2006

One Week Ago

I can hardly believe that it was only one week ago that we were cancelled, virtually kicked off the baby wagon, and left for a lonesome death on infertility island.

It feels like a 100 days have passed since then. Did i mention that the first few days were abysmally difficult??? And lonesome. But it got better. In part because we've been through this before, one year ago this labor day weekend, in fact. And, also, the first failed ivf helps soften the blow of the second. Betchya didnt know that a failed ivf had it's uses. There's so much i want to say about all that, but maybe i'll remember to later.

The thing is that this last leg of the baby chase has been the worst of this umpteen year journey, and i am finally, truly and heartily sick of it. I am so done with the baby chase. I finally found something worse than not having a baby of my own. It's the way i've been living, not living my own life but living in constant anticipation of another's...that's never coming.

I am not angry or even bitter about not winning the baby chase or failing to get off of infertilty island. I am in fact happy. I am satisfied in my heart that i gave it my all. I am proud of that. IVF was something i never wanted to do. Instinctively, i knew it was not for me and i was too scared to try it. I got over my fear, tried it, and learned that i was right all along. It's not for me, but not for lack of trying! It would have always been a question in my mind as to whether we should have tried ivf. And now i know the answer. And i feel relieved from the burden of dragging this question out ad infinitum. I feel relieved. That was an unexpected boon of all this. And it's priceless.

I want to talk more about the guilt and the relief, but i want to collect my thoughts first. Besides, it'll probably drag this post out ad infinitum.

I said a few weeks ago during the dark days of the drugs that i will be glad when this is over either way. And i wondered at the time whether i would regret saying that. Was it possible to feel even worse than i did on those drugs? I did feel bad in the first couple of days, but now i am still glad it is over. Glad is an understatement. I am thrilled and grateful i am no longer taking the injections, i am thrilled that i'm no longer OD-ing on hormones, i am thrilled to give my body a break, i am thrilled i am no longer in a hold pattern waiting to find out what's to become of the rest of our lives. I am most especially thrilled and grateful about that.

I feel like i've been in a hold pattern for more than 15 years, since my childhood, really. And that is most definitely worse than not having a baby. At least now, i am free. And i will take this childless life anyday over ever going back to that permanent pause again. I feel like i can breathe again...reborn, as it were. So odd for this to be the result of my ivf journey, but it's the best result for me.

In the end, my prayers were answered. I have been blessed with more than what i even thought i needed or wanted. And that is the greatest mercy.

Thank God for all things.


At 9:56 AM, Blogger Heather said...

You said it all when you said it was the "best result for me". You have to do what is right for you and I know that living this way is its own form of torture. I haven't even gotten to IVF yet. But we do tend to put our whole lives on hold. I stayed at a horrible job because I just "knew" that anyday I would pregnant and then I would only have to put up with it for nine more months - two years later I am still waiting to only have nine more months.

I'm so happy that you are happy. Tears of joy for you!

At 12:14 PM, Blogger seattlegal said...

I completely understand what you're saying. I've put my life on hold because of infertility and I continue to do so as we move onto IVF.

I'm happy that you are feeling good about all of this - that you are able to breathe again. It certainly takes a toll on someone to go through infertility. Take care!

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

I can imagine being where you are in a not so far away future. I can imagine it more vividly than any other outcome, feel the sense of relief and newfound freedom after the long hard journey.

I hope those feelings are there to stay.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I think I'm not far behind you- finally being able to say enough. But like you said, you have to keep trying until you know you won't regret stopping- know you won't keep asking yourself "what if?"

I'm glad you are finding peace with your decision.


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