Monday, February 27, 2006

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled IVF Entry For a Test From The Emergency Babycasting System

Ladies and gentlemen, on the very day that we went for our first appointment, we received a call that went something like ... "Hello, there's a two-week old baby orphan girl in the shelter waiting to be adopted or fostered by a family with a similar background to yours, would you be interested? Hurry now, or the offer ends."

Can you BA'LIEVE IT!? We were floored. What to do? Two week old orphan baby? What a PERFECT AGE to adopt.

But then IVF. It's now or never. It's now. That ship has rolled up the anchors and just about sailed. Just about.

What to do? Jump at the chance to adopt OR stay the IVF course????

Here are the problems. We're not licensed to adopt. And we dont know the first thing about it. All we know is that at some point during our infertiliy journey we decided that we'd like to. You think the department of family services will accept that? There's a chance we could petition the department of family services to help us get licensed and facilitate the adoption paperwork etc., given that the orphan baby's extended family (the one with first rights to adopt) specifically stated that they wanted this baby to go to a home with a similar background and given that this background is in short supply among the pool of adopting parents in the area.

So what to do? Switch gears, and pour all our energies into getting adoption papers? And then, what if it doesnt work out? And we miss the ivf boat? Or what if we do ivf, and it fails?Then we miss the perfect opportunity to adopt a baby of the perfect age? Or do we go for broke and do both? Can we? Should we? Is it humanly possible?

Oh, but then, is this some sort of test? Like, now that i've made peace with infertility and adoption and we've been allowed back into ivf kingdom and given a second chance at having a baby, is this some sort of test of what i've learned? Like do i really want a baby or do i really just want a pregnancy (plus baby)?

Ay yay yay!

And then i realize, that my biggest fear in adopting is what if i dont love her? Well ... what if?

So far, the social worker on this case has not returned my calls. This may all be a moot issue, as the child may be an adult by the time decisions are made in her best interest.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My First Appointment :)

Sooooooo, i've been soooooooooooooo happy these past few days. I cant even believe that it's been more than a week since my last post. I'm still so excited about doing ivf. Weird! But so true. And i just want to tell everyone i know ALL ABOUT IT. Which, again, is weird because who gets excited about doing ivf? I never thought it possible. I never thought i would ever look forward to the doctor's visit on that one.

And i dont know what to do with all this excitement. It's a new experience for me. I think, on some level, i was more prepared to handle disappointment after the procedure. But this, this is all good and i find myself struggling to figure out how it's possible to be so happy about ivf. But i am.

And so in all this excitement, i've morphed into a fertility clinic stalker. Yup. I've been hounding my new fertility clinic for an earlier appointment, seeing if i could be seen sooner than March 15! God, that's SO FAR AWAY!!!

And then today, i got one. Yes! You see, how exciting that is!!! Wahoo. I got me my first appointment--at the early crack of 8 am. The RE was an hour late. No problemo, i was just soooooooooo happy that she would see me (errr, us, but me really, mememememememe). I didnt care if i had to camp there, i was gonna wait.

And i noticed in the waiting room ... NO PARENTING OR BABY MAGAZINES IN SIGHT!!! Yes, i like people who think. It's probably a common thing for fertility clinics not to have baby mags in the waiting area, but then again, i'm always amazed at how some people can just be so stupid. So you never know.

Then we met our RE. She was so nice and pleasant and friendly and ... EXCITED! She was so excited for us, which was nice, cuz her and i were instantaneously on the same wavelength ;)

The next step is ... drum roll please ... waiting for my period! Agugugugugug. I have never ever looked forward to seeing AF like today. And, AF aint due until March 11, or thereabouts. Then, it's one month of birth control, two weeks of follicle stimulations, then retrieval day, then fancy stuff in the lab, then implantation day a few days thereafter. All told, i could be taking an hpt by the end of april! Of course, it'll be one of those fancy schmancy hpt's done in the lab, i'm sure (but i dunno, i plead ignorance. Goes back to my theory about bliss and ignorance).

Anyway, my questions are (in no particular order):

1. Once you start the birth control, is it really 6 weeks until egg retrieval? I want to schedule vacation time, but i'm not sure which days to pick. And how many days?

2. Do you tell your boss you're doing ivf? My initial reaction is no, but now with all this excitement running in my veins, i dont know, it could be spill out.

3. What precisely do you do with all this excitement running in your veins, besides keeping it well fed on a celebratory diet of brownies and cookies and cakes? I'm too excited for work. Too excited to just sit here. I cant just sit here and do work like nothing special is going on! I'm planning an ivf!!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Congratulations! You May Now Join the Select Ranks Of IVFers!

As odd as this may sound, i am excited to be joining the ranks of the ivf-ers. I always thought that i would try it at least once, if all else failed. Not only has all else failed, but there was a spell of time where dh and i were permanently infertile. Not only were we told that we didnt produce the goods to make conception possible, but that even if we did, we'd pass on severe genetic defects. Oh glory.

But glory is God, as we've since discovered that doctors can be wrong (still find that hard to believe) and we've since been welcomed back into ivf kingdom (did we really want to go there?)

But now we're here. After 15 years of ttc and trying everything but the miracles of modern science, it's time has come.

Our first appointment is March 15 with the RE. I dont know a thing about the process, except what i've read on other blogs. I dont know what to expect, and i dont know how long after March 15 it will take for things to get rolling. And best of all, i dont even know if this is covered under our insurance! Depending on the time of day or who i speak to, i get a different answer from my insurance company.

Soooo, needless to say, i is scared! I dont likey needles and i aint got no money.

But be that as it may, i'm interested in trying this. For the first time in my life, i'm actually looking forward to it. I always thought that when i got to this point, all real hope would be over for us and that i would be trying this as the last ditch effort. And that if it failed, life would be over.

Um, well, all real hope was over us, life was over, and this actually is a last ditch effort. The only difference is, i dont fear it. I think before i used to think that if i did ivf and it failed i would not know how to go on. I would not know how to recover. I think i have a better idea now about how to handle my disappointment (yeah, right) ... Well, at least i dont fear it (ha ha).

Ok, the truth is, i'll probably face some disappointment and lotsa fears, but at least now i see it as an adventure into my womb instead of a scary journey into the deep scary.

Welcome to the journey of the fertile soul. I look forward to hearing from others further along this journey with tips on where all the pot holes are. I'd prefer a map, please ;)