Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Time Out: Celebrity Gossip

So the Fertile Soul gets a day off. What does she do? She catches up on all the celebrity news of course. Where does one begin with all this foddor between The View, Clay Aiken, Kelly Rippa, Michael Richards, and celebrity infertility story to boot? First off, i love Rosie O'Donnell. I just love her. So, naturally, ever since she joined the View, i began to record the View. I still dont actually get to watch it, but on occasion, i get a day off and i'm bored and i thumb through my recordings. On yesterday's episode, apparently, they were talking about Kelly Rippa's tiff with her guest co-host Clay Aiken (American not-Idol). And then they showed the clip of what Clay did to tick Kelly off.

Apparently, she was not letting him get a word in edge wise during their interview with the winners of Dancing with the Stars. Soooo, to get her to stop talking or firing questions, he thought it would be cute if he put his hand over her mouth to physically shut her up. Ha. Ha.

But Kelly would have none of that and i really really respect that she instantly just stopped the questioning, gave him a look, shook her head (eyes bugging out), and said "Oh, that's a no-no." He said "oh, i'm in trouble now. I should just sit back here." But then he awkwardly tries to change the subject by asking questions of the winners from DWTS. But Kelly joked back, "saying, no, i just dont know where that hand has been."

Which is so true! Seriously, people dont wash their hands enough. And if you're a celebrity, you're most likely shaking A LOT of strange hands. Donald Trump in general has a policy against hand shakes.

So good for Kelly for not sitting back and accepting that treatment, even though it caused a scene on live tv. So what. She didnt like the treatment she was getting, and she stood up for it.

But then, Rosie O'Donnell said on her show that Kelly's comment (i dont know where that hand has been) was a homophobic comment. and that she would not have said that if he'd been Mario Lopez. The other women disagreed with Rosie, and, on this one, sorry Rosie, i do too. It's the flu seaon and people are just gross in their hygeine, straight or not. Disgusting hygeine habits do not discriminate and affects all people regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation.

And then, while the View is on, Kelly calls into the View and disagrees with Rosie saying that she should know better than tell the American people that her behavior was homophobic, when it was natural to not want another man place his hand on one's mouth, regardless of whom that man sleeps with at night. Rosie kept her position, that from her point of view, as a gay person, that it was homophobic.

My pov is this, Rosie, you're a little sensitive to all things potentially homophobic. The fact that something may be schewed into a homophobic reaction does not necessarily make it so. You need to take a breath and be more objective. I think you take this one way too personally.

Onto other topics. The co-host on the View was Sherri Shepherd (comedien/actress). She was funny. But she told this story about her baby. He's 19 months old now and they show his picture. And she's like, i love my baby. And i'm thinking, man, does everyone just have kids to talk about??? But then she goes on to say that she delivered him at 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. He weighed a pound and was born with bleeding on both sides of his brain, and that because of this he was going to have severe cerebal palsy, severe mental retardation, shunts in his brain, operations, holes in his intestines and "we were going to pull the plug and let him go." (At this point i'm balling.) And then she said that before pulling the plug she asked God "God, i'm going to give this baby to you, but i've been praying so long for a baby, if you could give me a miracle.... And when we went to go pull the plug to let him (the baby) go to heaven to be with his sister because i lost his sister too, the doctor came in to say that the black hole in his intestine was healed and that his intestines were pink and healthy. And when the doctor said that i knew that God was saying to me that he comes home (to heaven) when i say he comes home, not when you say."

Kleenex! Someone pass the tissue! Good Lord, God is great.

And then, finally, Breaking Bonaduce. I know, i know, what am i doing watching reality tv, right? I should spend my time more "wisely." Well, sometimes you get suckered in. Did you know that that Danny Bonaduce married his wife on the first date because she said that she cant have sex with him unless they were married? So they got married and the next morning, he wakes up to this woman by his side and is like "who is you?" and she's like "i'm Mrs. Bonaduce." And so the romance began.

But, i just have to say this because no one is saying it on that show, his wife does not want to be with him. Ok, they are kind of saying that, but only because he has anger management issues, once cheated on her, and had some addictions to intoxicants of some sort. They're trying to deal with that and still stay married, and for the most part he's gone to rehab and they're all in therapy. But, the whole show is about his psychological issues and them dealing with his psychological issues. So you mean to say, that once he's cured "his" problems, she'll be okay with him? Because, she has no problem of her own?

Her issues are blatant, and i'm just wondering, when is the therapist going to key into that? She is in complete mommy know what i mean? You know when you get into mommy mode, and chop your lovely locks into a boy cut, and start wearing ugly mommy pants that reach your armpits like Steve Urkel? Ok, she's not doing the mommy pants or boy cut, but everything else that exudes from this woman is asexual. And that's not Bonaduce's fault. That wont be healed or cured by his therapy. When all is said and done and he does become whole, she will still not be interested in him. That's the ultimate tragedy of this story, unless she turns around and realizes that she's lost herself to motherhood and needs to resurface as a complete woman.

Those are my thoughts on my day off. Now it's off time to cook. yay!

Oh wait, how can i possibly forget Michael Richards, huh? What a *!@&#*!#@. I just cant believe all the vile garbage he spewed on us like that. What the F#*$&! What's wrong with that guy? Get yourself into therapy, man, and out of the lime light. The media is focusing on how, oh, at least Richards takes responsbility for his actions and doesnt blame substance abuse. I'm sorry, but Michael Richards DELIBERATELY THOUGHT THOSE UGLY THINGS, deliberatley repeated the N-word OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He was not under the influence of any drug. He knew exactly what he was saying and it was vile and he kept at it. Mel Gibson was drunk. There's a difference in intentionality here. The media is trying to paint Mel Gibson's racial slurs as worse because he says he was drunk (which was true, hence the dui and the cop who reported the comments) but i dont see how they are worse (especially since Mel Gibson apologized and accepted responsbility for it, saying that what he said was despicable, not that it was excusable because he was drunk). But it is, in fact, WORSE when you say that stuff with a straight face, meaning every last damn word.

Now i'm done with the gossip review.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Gift From OHSS!

First, after IVF 2 cancellation on August 14, we got a nice parting gift of OHSS. Sweet, huh? Now, it turns out, OHSS left me with a nice parting gift, a big fat ovarian cyst. I havent read about this occurring to others (but it might have missed my radar), but in case you're curious, i know what the symptoms are.

It turns out that the extra dose of pms i've been having the past few months are related to the extra hormones that are still coursing through my body. I blame this on the extra dose of menopure that was added to ivf 2 for the extra umph. Anyway, pms has been really bad. It starts out 2-3 weeks before my period. I get really bloated, and my breasts swell and HURT for a good 10 days of the time. Then we have ravenous hunger, where we need to eat half a cake and then half a bag of chips. It's all the symptoms i had when i was actually ON THE DRUGS.

So this month, i do nothing out of the ordinary, and i'm standing in the washroom to wash my hands, when i bend over and POP. I thought i pulled a vertebrate low in my back. I couldnt move. What happened? I'm so outta shape, my office chair is killing me. I dont know. Then the next day, my entire lower abdomen is aching me. I thought i pulled a muscle that just tugged on my stomach. I had no idea.

It turns out, i discovered after a week of this, that i had popped a cyst...or so i think. The ultrasound shows A LOT of fluid in my belly. And the doctor said that it looks like the situation was resolving itself. But, man o man, my ovary was aching me. I think i had more than one, or something, because the THROBBING wouldnt stop. And then, i'm wondering, WHY is it THROBBING so much. The doctor said it would resolve itself, but this doesnt feel like resolution. This feels like a massive complaint session.

Anyway, fun times in the fertile soul. Remind me to NEVER EVER do ivf again. Stupid ivf. I hate ivf. I think ivf is really a torture mechanism. And i hate all the "kind" encouragement i received to actually do ivf. I hate kind encouragement. And, and i hate the people who give kind (read blind) encouragement too.

Ok, that last one aint so true. I just hate the situation.

Monday, November 13, 2006

PTSS 1: Post Traumatic Shower Syndrome

So we started to feel better, shortly after our last rant. Who knew a good rant could be so cleansing. I need to do these more often, just to keep it all real. Then, i suppose i should also change my name to the Snarky Soul.

But let me recap the last week. After the last post, the good ole sil gave birth to a boy on Friday (baby shower weekend). Actually, i was feeling very okay about it. It's the buildup towards the event that starts to raise my anxiety levels. But once i'm in the baby event, i'm very cool about it.

So the next day, Saturday, was the great bake off before the shower. I made a 4 tiered cake, with the bottom being a chocolate cake, the next level being a buttercream and strawberry filling cake, and the top two layers being a banana chocolate chip cake--all frosted in a chocolate buttercream ganache. And each guest was served a slice of each. I wont post any pictures because i was disappointed in the final "look." First off, they tell you to "just use dowels" to separate each cake. Um, they neglect to say that you need to pull out your saw to make the dowels the required length. The dowels alone were the most difficult thing about it all, and that was done sunday morning, where i didnt really have time to learn about the difficulties of dowel cutting. The cake was just short of being the leaning towers of cakes. But it wasnt. In the end, it just didnt turn out as fantastic as it was in my head. Oh well. After all that baking, i thought i wouldnt want to bake again for a long long time. Finally, i found something to cool the passion for baking.*

But here's the interesting thing i want to note and remember. After all that baking and frosting on Saturday, where i think i stood nonstop the whole day (which is actually a nice break from the sitting nonstop all week), i was really exhausted at 1 am, when i went to bed. My sister and her husband came over to help out with final preparations around the house, which gave me the freedom to do the cakes in the first place. And, it was good that i gave myself such a time-consuming project. I was able to channel my pre-event anxiety into something productive and i felt good about it...except, when i went to bed.

As i lay there waiting to fall asleep, it suddenly hit me, like it never hit before (but it has) OH MY GOD, MY SISTER IS HAVING A BABY BEFORE ME. And i started to cry all over again. Sometimes, i just cant believe that. I just really really believed in a different reality, a different future. I had a dream once over ten years ago, and i interpreted it to mean that we would have children together. And i clung on to that idea as if it were the truth. So i never imagined i would be in this position, just sitting by and watching my sister as she gets to build her family. And, i have to live with this for the rest of my life. It's not like this altered reality will go away. This is the new truth, the real truth.

And, as this truth hit me, a part of me was like "no, no, wait, maybe, just maybe, you're pregnant. Hold on and do the math." Mind you, i just got off my period. There is no math to do. There's just denial. In that moment, i just wanted to deny it and live in my old fantasies about the future--that there is one with me and a whole passel of my own kids.

So we had us a good ole cry to sleep.

Then the shower itself was fine. Very busy and fine. Nothing to really say about it. Nothing i lamented or felt bad about, honestly. Well, except, that there were 5 pregnant women there. And they're all due in December/January. How odd, right? In a party of 25 women, 1 in 5 was pregnant. But that didnt bother me much either. Except for my sister, all of them were on their second or third child. So talking about babymaking and children did not really interest them. If it did, i didnt hear anything about it.

But what i did notice was how out of touch i've been with my "friends." I dont think i could muster up such a crowd even if i had to. That disappointed me. But it's not entirely my fault--well, i guess, that's a subject for a later post. Sigh.

*I was wrong, as i discovered this weekend. I was ready to dive right back into baking.

PTSS 2: Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrome

And so now it's back to life as usual. Except, what is life as usual? We were still trying to figure that out. Before, life as usual was filled with so much hope and promise. Now life as usual is about the business of moving on. And, well, it's not that fun, and it's lonely, and isolating, and not as interesting as planning for a future with children. And there are some days where it's just downright boring.

Part of this has to do with the current state of my writing. At the end of September, i started a screenplay about a woman struggling with ivf. By the beginning of October, i finished it. Actually, i wrote it in 10 days. TEN DAYS. My application to graduate school took longer to write. But, i was inspired. Sometimes, when you get in the creative zone, time stands still and all that matters is the task at hand. But ten days? And, mind you, i'm not really a writer. Well, it's not something i aspired to be when i was younger. It's not a skill i had any faith in. It's something i have always always encouraged in others, but not myself. I never felt i could do it.

Regardless of what i thought about myself, my creativity put a lid on it for a mo and let the right side of my brain free.

And so, i wrote a screenplay. I have been querying it, but querying hollywood all the way from this side of the mississippi, is like trying to fish from your car. And, it's daunting. The process is worse than trying to get your novel published. It's even more isolating and lonely. You mean now that i've accomplished this miracle, i actually have to convince people about it? Convincing people to be interested in me has never been my strong suit. Take, for example, my close and loving relationship with my parents. Nuff said.

So after that burst of inspiration followed by a sleu of queries, i feel incredibly deflated and let down. I guess you could say i'm suffering from Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrom. Disappointment all over again. Why do i choose a creative realm frought with so much disappointment?

If i ever do succeed with my novel and screenplay, i think i'm going to need therapy just to deal with the absence of disappointment.

So, i guess you could say, currently, we are and have been a little deflated. Said deflation is not really related to infertility, but i just like to blame infertility for all my disappointments. It's such an easy scapegoat. And while i'm at it, i could get mad at my sister for having the gall to ruin my dream and move on with her life without me. But, i wont. Because that we be wrong. And it would only hurt me in the long run.

It's just that i feel this tremendous emptyness where my children were supposed to reside. And it's hard to stave off bitterness, when my heart is desperate for fulfillment of any kind, be it good for me or not.

But, i want it to be good before me because the last time i filled my empty heart, i wrongly filled it with the promise of children, and look what that's done for me.

No, no, i will wait until i can feel the real fulfillment. Until then, we will be empty and patient.