Sunday, July 29, 2007

Still Here

Yes, i am still around. And, there's nothing new to report, but i think that's great news. That means, since April or even before, i have been living childfree and happy. I have not had a single slide back into infertile woes. I'm still kind of shocked by it. I see people with babies, and i dont have "what about me" thoughts or feelings. Not a one. And this from the girl who not so long ago had those thoughts every single second of her life.

It's taken a long long time to get to this place, a place i never thought imaginable. I never thought i would be able to give up the wish of having a baby of my own or getting pregnant. But, somewhere along the line in the past fews months, somehow, i did. I wish i could tell you the formula, or exactly, precisely how this came to pass, but i cannot say precisely exactly how. It has a lot to do with making peace with the past, overcoming post traumatic stress, and learning to live in the now--all of which have no formulas.

I still mourn my traumatic childhood, but the more i do, the better i feel about now, regardless of whether my now does or does not have children. It's irrelevant. Let me rephrase that--it's not an essential component to my ultimate happiness.

Thank God.