Sunday, July 29, 2007

Still Here

Yes, i am still around. And, there's nothing new to report, but i think that's great news. That means, since April or even before, i have been living childfree and happy. I have not had a single slide back into infertile woes. I'm still kind of shocked by it. I see people with babies, and i dont have "what about me" thoughts or feelings. Not a one. And this from the girl who not so long ago had those thoughts every single second of her life.

It's taken a long long time to get to this place, a place i never thought imaginable. I never thought i would be able to give up the wish of having a baby of my own or getting pregnant. But, somewhere along the line in the past fews months, somehow, i did. I wish i could tell you the formula, or exactly, precisely how this came to pass, but i cannot say precisely exactly how. It has a lot to do with making peace with the past, overcoming post traumatic stress, and learning to live in the now--all of which have no formulas.

I still mourn my traumatic childhood, but the more i do, the better i feel about now, regardless of whether my now does or does not have children. It's irrelevant. Let me rephrase that--it's not an essential component to my ultimate happiness.

Thank God.

14 Comments:

At 4:22 PM, Blogger ellie said...

Well, it's good to know it's possible to get there- I am just begining that journey now-- and have just begun to grieve and let go-- your entry gives me hope that I can one day get to another place where it doesn't hurt nearly as much. thank you for that.

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I'm so happy for you.

I hope it keeps getting better! You deserve all of this happiness and so much more.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger niobe said...

I'm so glad you posted this. I think it will give hope to many people who right now can't imagine that they could ever be happy without a child.

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Thank goodness indeed.

Living in the now is difficult to master, I'm aware that I should practice on it, but haven't made much progress.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger millie said...

You sound really good. Really really good and happy.

 
At 2:08 AM, Anonymous shazz said...

I hope you don't mind me hanging around, i think I am heading down this road very soon.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger khanna said...

That is awesome that you have come to that place in your life. I admire your ability to be happy.....despite not having children, because that CAN happen! I sometimes wish that I could get out of this infertility nightmare myself and just "be." Thanks for sharing!

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

just wondering how you are and hoping you're enjoying the happy place you'd got to a few months ago.

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger T. said...

It's good to hear someone else is going through the same thing as I am.
As I get busier and more involved in my own activities, I find that I am pretty happy without children.
I still feel a little jealous of others with children, but it is good to know that may go away soon too!

 
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