Two Weeks On
So, i'm on the upswing of feelings lately. I guess a body gets bored of the bleak and dreary. Or, as i said, it's my cycle, two weeks up and two weeks down.
In the meantime, i signed up for piano lessons. I want to get into some creative outlets that don't involve so much let down, like writing. I got a rejection letter the other day from one of the major agencies in hollywood that said something to the effect of "Here's your query letter back. We didnt read it and dont have any intention of reading it and should we produce a movie with similar themes, please know that that wasnt because we read it or got the idea from you." Fatheads.
It just makes you want to quit that craft altogether.
Anyway, i'm not here to get down about the craft. I'm here really to talk about my recent adventures with other people's babies. My friend had her baby and i visited them in the hospital. And, i didnt have a single solitary jealous second. I did not go off into the "aww, isnt she cute and wont your life be perfect now" fantasy. Instead, i connected with the reality of her situation. She just gave birth to her second child. She's probably exhausted beyond belief. But, that's irrelevant because there's this baby she just got that's completely dependent upon her for the next twenty years. Good bye sleep. Good bye rest. Good bye old life. Hello stress.
And it's her second child. So she has to go home and negotiate things with the first one, who is an irrational mini-adult at 3 years old, speaking like a ten year old but feeling like a toddler who still very much wants mommy's attention and always resented that her mother worked and that she was sent off to babysitting and now preschool. Yeah, and now there's a second child to be equally "neglected." Psht, what's the point? That's not fun.
And then yesterday, i went out to eat with my sister and brother and a combined total of 4 kids under 6, two of which were 4 months old. And most of the time i felt, someone, please stop the crying babies! And, would someone stop those kids from running around and playing the restaurant piano? They could accidentally trip a waiter or something. I did not, for a single second, think, man, i wish one of these were mine. No. Not at all. I feel apathetic. There's nothing appealing about squealing babies who demand your constant attention.
So, that's where i am. Getting settled in this childless life. For now, it's what i want. I'm finally beginning to see that it's the life God gave me, and it's the life i want, gratefully.
I may still want children in some recesses of my heart. But at least, i'm getting back to feeling that there are other things i can want as well. And life is good whether you have chocolate cake or fresh strawberry pie--it's not all about the chocolate!