Open Letters

Dear Grammys

Can i have one??? Please, please, pleeeeeze? I dont really sing, but i'm really really cute and i can do a very sexy video if i put my mind to it (but would never sink so low, unless its for dh's eyes only, and then maybe i could be convinced). But seriously though, if the Pussy Cat Dolls can be nominated for best silly song sung by six skinny skanks, then i say, why can't i be nominated for best nonvocal crying blog? I mean, who's going to get nominated next, Hillary Clinton? Oh wait, she already won one. So yeah, gimme mine!

***

Dear Heather (as in locklear)

Aren't you, like, 50? Why must you botox yourself into looking like a 6 year old? Huh? I was so distracted by your puffy cheeks and lips you couldnt close (or probably feel) that i could hardly watch you in the great Nora Roberts debut movie on Lifetime. You're very pretty without it, girl.

And, was that a body double for the "sex" scenes?

***

Dear Nora,

Your movie tanked, mainly because there was no chemistry between the two main characters and/or actors. The main character was a nut, and not cute nutty, but just plain old just-been-discharged-from-the-psycho-ward-and-need-to-retire-to-the-mountains-where-i-start-seeing-things nutty...Boooooooooring. And why was normal, balanced, mystery -writer-hero attracted to nutty puffy Heather? I think, i think it might have something to do with him wanting to solve the mystery...who is the woman beneath all this cow blubber? A real man wants to know.

Yeah right!