Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Woo-Fricken-hoo, It's 2007!

I spoke with a friend this weekend, talked about the fact that i cant get over the hope we had last year. I cant give it up. I still want to believe there's hope. And i cant stop crying about it. She reminded me that it's like the death of a child or a loved one, that she had a friend who's mother died at a young age and she cried every day for a year. Cried.Everyday.For.A.Year. I guess that's what 2007 has in store for me. Good times.

What's worse is the feeling that i will cry about this foreover. FOREVER. It only seems right, since i've wanted kids forever. But my friend re-assured me that it wont be forever, just a year--a good long year. She says that i need to give myself sometime and not be surprised at how long this is taking.

And yet, it's so difficult to grieve this. No one understands and no one appreciates what a trauma this has been for me. People are just blah.

But i did finally get a sense that, maybe, just maybe, it is, in fact, true that we will never have kids. I did finally feel a dent in all the hope that was built over this last year. It's a sobering thought. And sometimes i can hold on to it long enough to get some perspective on this. And sometimes i just want to go back to glorious hope. I have always been a hopeful person. It goes against my grain to give it up.

In the meantime (i mean when we are not crying), we are crabby. Yes, yes, it's true. I know this is so rare for me, but we are experiencing the terrible (thirty)-Two's, as Kris puts it. And, i just want to rant about how the world and the people in it suck. What's wrong with that? Huh?

For instance, i emailed a homeopathic doctor that i found out about six days ago about maybe, perhaps, there's a homeopathic solution to our infertile woes, right? Why does it take her six days to say she "has more experience with female problems" and that my husband should find a homeopathic doctor closer to home. Well thank-fricken-you! Gee, i waited six days to hear nonsense. I HATE when that happens. And i have said nothing about the other homeopathic doctor I emailed twice two months ago with no response. I hate irresponsible people. They're just stupid.

Also, i am so frustrated by the fact that i returned from vacation to get dumped on at work. Namely, i (and the rest of my team) have to pick up the load for the slackers. Why? Am i also going to get to pick up some of their pay (which is far greater than mine, considering that they have that y-factor goin on)? Well, no, sillies. What country are you in? A country of gender equality and fairness? Ha! Hahahahahahahahahah!

Ok, that covers the moment's frustrations. I am also on very little restful sleep and battling the onslaught of bronchitis. Whoop-dee-doo!


At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need a bigger bucket to carry that load around! How do you do it?

Hope you feel better soon Sweetie.

At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Grieving the loss of biological children is intense and painful and a long process. Grieving the loss of never being a parent- that's a whole 'nother separate boatload of pain. I'm sorry it hurts so much and that its so hard to slog through it. You will get to the other side, but damn if it isn't a long, slow process.

At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We need to get together and buy shoes. Lots of shoes. And huff and pout mightily while we do it.

I'm sorry about how you are feeling dear...

At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I think we are destined to cry about it forever...just not every day.


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