Sunday, December 10, 2006

Move Along, Nothing To See Here, Except aTrain Wreck--If You're Into That

I know it's been so long. And i've missed y'all. I've been really out of it. Crying all the freakin time for no freakin reason too. It's been an awesome time. I just wake up and cry and go to bed and cry. Everyone should try that. It's not so bad once you get used it, really. But, that's what happens when you cant ever have kids. That's the low down. For the rest of your life your will cry about it. So happy fricken life.

In other news, my sis had a baby boy, God bless him and her. I dont want to get into too much because it doesnt really bother me too much (ha!). It's been a very rough few weeks, for me and her. First off, she didnt want me in the delivery room. i dont know, it would've been nice. But she didnt want that. She didnt want anyone but her husband. That's her choice. She didnt have a clue about delivery. She didnt have a clue about birth. She was busy studying for a phd when the labor pains struck.

But, i'm glad she delivered safely and well. The baby had a hell of a first week, with dangerous jaundice causing him to be readmitted to the hospital and a horrendous time latching onto the nipple, and still struggling. And then a nice case of colic to boot. This has not been a fun week for my sis, nor do i envy it.

But, i am, in general, just totally out of it. I still want to have a baby. WANT IT. I want it as an adult. It's no longer the childhood dream. It's a part of my adult life. It's just something i want, ok! Hence the daily crying.

In other news, it's been crazy busy at work. Some lawyer we retained totally dropped the ball causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in loss. It's been a very stressful time because, basically, i have to assert that he committed malpractice and, of course, his firm staunchly disagrees. Let the mud slinging begin! I love a little mud with coffee in the morning.

What else...well, i am feeling sad about no longer being a part of the IF community, though i am one half of one of the most infertile couples on the planet. That should make me queen or president or something. And yet, so much of the IF community is ivf. i dunno. Permanent infertility doesnt have mass appeal like plain old vanilla infertility, with it's dollop of hope. Hope is the thing. Everyone has hope for everyone and you want to see the IFers succeed. But there's no such journey here. No such hope. So move along. I know from first hand experience that life without hope is uninteresting.

Except, well, we are going back to the drawing board. I fundamentally believe that there is a cure for male factor infertility. I dont know if i'll see it my life time (ha ha!) but i believe that there's an herbal remedy somewhere somehow. Is that silly? I mean, am i being hopelessly hopeful?

But i am. That's just me. I think that we should always try some herbal remedy or something until the very end. Only now, i am realistic about the chances. I know what our chances are. It's why i cry every day.

So, where does that leave us? Meandering, like this post. But, i must leave y'all with one final meandering comment before I submerge again. The Break Up totally SUCKED! God, where does one begin to parse out the abysmal failure of that movie. It's like a mobius strip of stupidity. First off, Vince and Jen have no chemistry whatsoever. I never bought their real life relationship. It was all a publicity stunt to for the movie (like Bennifer was for Gigli). And thank God Vinciffer finally fessed up to their own break up. I wish they would be honest and say there was never anything between them to begin with.

But i digress. The characters in the movie have absolutely nothing in common (SHOCKER!), though the writers and actors try to act like they do. Frankly, i never understand why she went with him--his character was not endearing. Everything about this movie was awkwardness. Except, they tried not to be awkward. And the actual break up was all a misunderstanding, not what the girl intended, until the very end, when ...spoiler...he finally comes around and confesses undying love for her, and she decides, with tears in her eyes "but i dont feel the same way."

Weird and awkward movie. The two main characters part amicably at the end. They meet up accidentally on the street 6 months later, and make more awkward small talk, and part ways again. People, they should never have been together to begin with, but since you brought them together and made the audience root for them to stay together, then why split 'em up? Huh? Why? STUPID. It's plot cheating, aka, lazy (crappy) writing.

ok, gotta run, time for the nightly deluge.


At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although I tend to agree that life without hope isn't interesting, at least in the IF world, here's where I beg to differ: you always have hope. And your life can be interesting, just maybe not to the same crowd. It's true I don't have as many readers or commenters as I did when I was in the trenches of IF, but life goes on and -- dare I say it -- it's even good at times.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Lara said...

My sister did the same thing in her delivery room. Only her hubby could be in there. I remember thinking that I was the one who'd been up with her for 3 days straight (while her dh slept in the other room!), I was the one who took her to the hospital while her DH continued to sleep in the other room, and then when time came for the big moment, who was in the delivery room? NOT ME. DH of course! I remember feeling cheated of the moment that I'd worked hard right along with her to get to. It was LAME!

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the flood gates. And if you want this and think an herbal remedy might work, why not try? Eastern medicine has been around a lot longer than western medicine.

Glad to hear your nephew is doing better.

At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry for all that you are going through right now. Sending you a hug.

At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry for all that you are going through right now. Sending you a hug.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

You're right, there are few active blogs about permanent infertility.
I've dedicated a tag to it here:

I can understand you wanting to do something, anything. But personally I'm very skeptical about alternative medicine.
Our first IVF ended in total fertilization failure. Either the eggs are impenetrable fortresses or the sperm doesn't come equipped with the tools to hack in. The doctors reckon it's a genetic problem. I believe them, and I believe no amount of herbal medicine, acupuncture or dieting will change our diagnosis.
Perhaps there are cases where alternative approaches might help, ours certainly isn't one. Your case may be different, but like you say, the odds are pretty bad.

I don't think you're being silly, not at all. I suppose it's a natural reaction to grief, trying to find a way out, even if it's through the eye of the needle. The thing is, is this where you want to stay? I don't know what I would do or feel in your shoes. But I may find out sooner than I would like.

At 5:27 PM, Blogger ellie said...

I think it would be weird if you didn't cry about it every day-- your greiving and it's normal. Heck, I cried reading your post-it resonates loud and clear.
I hope that things get better- but until they do- just put one foot in front of the other and we are here for you.


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