Sinking Feeling

So, you know, i said i was feeling better, right? Well, nothing's changed in that department and it's kind of a little freaky. Really. I waited umpteen years to finally get off the baby wagon and end the baby chase. I mean, umpteen years of monthly unwanted returns of the crimson tide gets a little wearing on the soul, even on the fertile soul. After about the 100th month of disappointment you cant stop, you just pray for relief, relief from the want and the desire. Relief.

But relief is not something you can will sometimes. Well, i couldnt. And now, suddenly it's here, and it's like, wow, never saw that coming. So much so, these past couple of days i have been having waves of anxiety, waves of a sinking feeling in my chest. Like, something terrible is about to happen. I cant be feeling good without murphy's law to unleash its reverse psychology upon me, right?

Anyway, that's where i'm at. Feeling out of place in this new territory of feeling. It's very bizarre, but i aint ever spent this much time in this particular region. So, i feel like a fish out of water. Maybe that's what all the waves of anxiety are about. It feels weird not to think about ovulating or dread the disappointment of my period or wonder whether those abdomenal pangs were implantation.

I feel like i'm having depression withdrawal. My body is say No, wait, i'm so used to nursing a bad feeling. What am i going to do with all this extra time now?!

That's where having other creative outlets is necessary. I am pursuing them, but it's so hard to be focused on my creativity. I cant put all the emphasis on me. I cant give me all that attention. I'm so unused to all this.

But so it is. Suddenly, i got a lot of alone time with me and i know that aint a bad thing. It's just that i spent a lifetime telling myself it was. Hence, the waves of guilt and anxiety: I shouldnt be doing this. I need to be worrying about something.

Orrrrr, i could be having a heart attack and not know it. That's my other hypothesis.