Saturday, October 07, 2006

Sinking Feeling

So, you know, i said i was feeling better, right? Well, nothing's changed in that department and it's kind of a little freaky. Really. I waited umpteen years to finally get off the baby wagon and end the baby chase. I mean, umpteen years of monthly unwanted returns of the crimson tide gets a little wearing on the soul, even on the fertile soul. After about the 100th month of disappointment you cant stop, you just pray for relief, relief from the want and the desire. Relief.

But relief is not something you can will sometimes. Well, i couldnt. And now, suddenly it's here, and it's like, wow, never saw that coming. So much so, these past couple of days i have been having waves of anxiety, waves of a sinking feeling in my chest. Like, something terrible is about to happen. I cant be feeling good without murphy's law to unleash its reverse psychology upon me, right?

Anyway, that's where i'm at. Feeling out of place in this new territory of feeling. It's very bizarre, but i aint ever spent this much time in this particular region. So, i feel like a fish out of water. Maybe that's what all the waves of anxiety are about. It feels weird not to think about ovulating or dread the disappointment of my period or wonder whether those abdomenal pangs were implantation.

I feel like i'm having depression withdrawal. My body is say No, wait, i'm so used to nursing a bad feeling. What am i going to do with all this extra time now?!

That's where having other creative outlets is necessary. I am pursuing them, but it's so hard to be focused on my creativity. I cant put all the emphasis on me. I cant give me all that attention. I'm so unused to all this.

But so it is. Suddenly, i got a lot of alone time with me and i know that aint a bad thing. It's just that i spent a lifetime telling myself it was. Hence, the waves of guilt and anxiety: I shouldnt be doing this. I need to be worrying about something.

Orrrrr, i could be having a heart attack and not know it. That's my other hypothesis.


At 2:35 AM, Blogger Lut C. said...

It sounds like needing a good stretch after sitting in a cramped position for too long. Then you can let out a long sigh and move on to other things.

One day I'll be there too.

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Baby Blues said...

It's like riding a ship for a long time, and once you're on shore, you still feel the ship's motion, which makes you queasy.

Change is constant and it brings with it withdrawals. Take your time, let yourself move on to other things when you feel it's right.

To keep your mind off this sinking feeling... TAG! ;-)

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Donna said...

It does take some getting used to, you've made a huge change in your life, so try not to analyze, just live and see what happens. In February it will be 2 years since we got off the Baby Train, and I still have dreams, cry at commercials and rush past the baby sections at the mall.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I think it takes several months to truly break a habit.

At 4:13 AM, Blogger StellaNova said...

Hang in there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there ... you can just do the best you can.
Take care.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger steph said...

I told hubby that I wasn't off the ride completely. We're not going to go the intensive road anymore, no treatments or drugs or medical appointments. But I will be looking for some homeopathic ways to improve. Not all specifically looking at fertility, but trying to find ways to improve my own health.

We will be moving on to foster care and adoption, but I know I'm not going to be able to let it go completely. The thought that it could just maybe happen will always be in the back of my mind.

I, too, have found some tranquility post IVF failure. No more waiting for calls or anything dependent upon someone else. It's nice!

Hope to continue on this other part of the journey 'with' you....


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