Friday, September 01, 2006

I Am Childless

There was a knock at my door this evening. Who knocks on doors? Especially when there's a doorbell? It was, i thought, my mom, who i expected. But why didnt she ring the bell? Was the bell broken? Those were my thoughts as i left three pots mid-cooking to answer the door.

It was a little girl. "I want to play with your daughter," she said. Her mother stood behind, in the distance.

"I'm sorry. I dont have one for you to play with," i said, but i wish i did, really i wish i did.

How cute is that? Someone knocked on my door to play with my daughter. It's cute, but very sad.

The girl's mother explained that she had seen a little girl come into this house. At this point in the conversation, my cat ran out. So i dressed (yes, i dont want my neighbors seeing the way i dress at home for the good dh, lower your gaze, people!) and came out, but by then the mother and daughter were moving onto the next house in search of this playmate. It was then that it occurred to me that she must have meant the neighbor's house, with their little girl. I tried to meet the mother, but they were on a mission. I only got as far as getting her daughter's name.

Oh well. I guess if i dont have kids, i'm not worth meeting or getting to know as a neighbor. How many people with kids have time for those without? It's just so convenient to hang out with the parents' of your kids' friends' ... isnt it?

I only wish that i could have answered the door with a different answer. But, no, i have to tell strangers, small children even, i am childless. I am childless. I am childless. I am CHILDLESS.

Sometimes i dont know if i'll ever get over that. Sometimes it really hits me, like the news was just delivered in that moment. Sometimes i wish it wouldnt hit me. Sometimes, i just cant believe that this is my destiny. That i would end up without children. And yet it is, but i dont want to believe it. And i dont want to have false hope for another reality because the past 15 years have proven otherwise or shown how unwise an investment in hope is.

So there will be no child for me. No children for me. I just ... i dunno ... find it sadly ironic that i get a knock on the door from someone who wants to play with my daughter.

If only.

8 Comments:

At 8:38 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Oh dear, talk about a shot to the heart. I'm sorry.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger NikkiNix said...

Oh my, that had to hurt :(

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

Man oh man...so strange and what an irony.

I get those feelings so often, when I see kids with their mothers in malls, bending down talking to their children...and i think to myself, I may never have the chance to do that...to bend down and talk to MY child.

You know what, we have to go on, as hard as it is sometimes, and believe me it seems unbearable at times, but we have to. We have no other choice. It sucks.

I am so sad with you these days....IVF 2 just failed for us. I did not blog it...just didn't want to share, hoped it may work then I'd have great news....failure once again. (don't comment on my blog about it- i didn't even tell anyone- just respond here IF you want to)

Sending you my hugs and know that I, like you feel defeated and heartbroken, once again, but we WILL continue on, somehow.....xoxoxoxoxo

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Oh Wishing 4 One, what can i say, except that i'm so sorry and i feel your pain. A tragedy. And no one knows about it, either. How you must be suffering. I understand your reticence. We were quiet about our issues for a long long time. But after that long long while, i began to sink into a depression, and i didnt even realize it. I thought that was life, you know. It wasnt until i started having panic attacks that i began to realize how deeply affected i was by it. Blogging about it helped. And so did mourning the loss. This is a huge loss. People need to know, to share with you your sorrow. It's like a death in the family. People visit for that (except my family, cuz they're just weird).

Anyway, have you thought about doing a totally anonymous blog, like me, here :)?

There are a couple of books i recommend. "Healing Through the Shadow of Loss." That's a great book about how there's so much healing and growth experiences through grieving for loss (excruciatingly painful as it may be). The other is "On Grief and Grieving." Talks more about how to deal with loss and grief.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, i believe. I've learned so much about myself through all this. I've learned that what i really really want is relationship with God, more than anything. If all else fails, at least i have that. I've learned to slow down and smell the roses. I've learned to be patient with myself and accept that i cannot succeed at everything (hard to believe!). I've learned that i cannot always get what i want (even if it's what i wanted most in life) and that that's ok. In fact, it's more than ok because what i should have wanted most out life was the aforementioend relationship with God.

But, you're right, infertility is like a syndrome. You have flare ups, especially at baby showers and the like, and you got to walk gingerly those days, be easy on yourself, and know that this is part of the cross we bear, as they say, part of the test.

Take care of yourself and know i'm sorry for your loss, i'm thinking of you, and believe that God answers all prayers, whether its now or later, in this life or the next. It's just a matter of being worthy of His blessings, in the end.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Also, W4O, what's your next step, will you try ivf again?

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

My next step now is working on me. IVF is on hold for awhile...I have three more tries frozen.

I feel my relationship with God is a good one. I pray everyday; I think of God before everything I do, I know His Will and His Plan are good. But I too, will work to strengthen this relationship with Him. I know that there is a reason and wisdom for everything. Despite all this, I too had some depression, some really tough times this go around. Didn't realize it was, but boy was it ever!

I am getting to the "okay" point now with the fact that I may never be able to have kids, but it’s still so super sad.

I am with you 100% and know that ultimately our relationship with God, our good deeds, our worthiness in the end is all that counts. And I too believe that God answers all prayers, whether its now or later, in this life or the next. And the Wisdom we don’t understand now will appear to us later, God Willing.

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Kris said...

Ugh. The baby shower invites in the mail are bad enough, now to have reminders come knocking on your door? I'm so sorry.

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger Baby Blues said...

Ouch! =(

 

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