No More Band-Aids

I think i get it now. Infertility is a test. A monstrous test, one that forces you to face all of your demons. I understand my fears now and they no longer control me, compel me to seek solace in children when i can have it without them, when i can seek it within myself, when i can find it in God.

It's always been a goal of mine to have a relationship with God. Being tested with infertility, the one wish i ever wanted fulfilled, forced me to examine myself and my relationships. I found that the reason i wanted children so badly was to complete me especially since i felt so incomplete in my in relationships with my own parents. I now understand that i no longer need those relationships to complete me. I can complete me, and for me it comes through knowing God (or at least attempting to).

Today i picked up this book about healing your emotional self to heal your physical self. The author says "Tubal problems and problems with fertility are centered on a woman's "inner child," while the tubes themselves are representative of unhealed childhood wounds or unused enery. The flow of eggs can be blocked because of a woman's own inner being is not "old" or nurutured enough, or mature or healed enough, to feel fertile."

It's interesting because i always felt that our infertility was related, on some perhaps psychic level, to me. We didnt always suffer from a low sperm count. There was a time when things appeared normal, and yet, no conception ever occurrred. Ever. And, you know, despite how desperately i've always wanted children, i could never really fully bring myself to pray for it with a full heart, except perhaps once. A part of me held back. A part of me waited. A part of me wanted what God had in store for me, knowing on some subconscious level that God's plan was better for me, despite what i consciously wanted.

And so, the change that i spoke of in my last post, continues. I agree with what y'all said about "keeping busy." There are times when that is essential. But in this particular instance if i kept busy and ignored the spiritual lesson of this test, i would have missed the boat on my healing and done another band-aid job of pulling it all together--until the next time, when God would give me another chance to face my childhood traumas, accept them, heal them, and move on. God is so merciful and i am grateful that I finally listened this time. And i can finally move on.

I dont need band-aids anymore. I am beautiful in spite of my scars. And i am beautiful because of them. My scars no longer hurt and i can finally get on to the real purpose of my life on earth (God willing).

I cant wait.