Monday, October 02, 2006

No More Band-Aids

I think i get it now. Infertility is a test. A monstrous test, one that forces you to face all of your demons. I understand my fears now and they no longer control me, compel me to seek solace in children when i can have it without them, when i can seek it within myself, when i can find it in God.

It's always been a goal of mine to have a relationship with God. Being tested with infertility, the one wish i ever wanted fulfilled, forced me to examine myself and my relationships. I found that the reason i wanted children so badly was to complete me especially since i felt so incomplete in my in relationships with my own parents. I now understand that i no longer need those relationships to complete me. I can complete me, and for me it comes through knowing God (or at least attempting to).

Today i picked up this book about healing your emotional self to heal your physical self. The author says "Tubal problems and problems with fertility are centered on a woman's "inner child," while the tubes themselves are representative of unhealed childhood wounds or unused enery. The flow of eggs can be blocked because of a woman's own inner being is not "old" or nurutured enough, or mature or healed enough, to feel fertile."

It's interesting because i always felt that our infertility was related, on some perhaps psychic level, to me. We didnt always suffer from a low sperm count. There was a time when things appeared normal, and yet, no conception ever occurrred. Ever. And, you know, despite how desperately i've always wanted children, i could never really fully bring myself to pray for it with a full heart, except perhaps once. A part of me held back. A part of me waited. A part of me wanted what God had in store for me, knowing on some subconscious level that God's plan was better for me, despite what i consciously wanted.

And so, the change that i spoke of in my last post, continues. I agree with what y'all said about "keeping busy." There are times when that is essential. But in this particular instance if i kept busy and ignored the spiritual lesson of this test, i would have missed the boat on my healing and done another band-aid job of pulling it all together--until the next time, when God would give me another chance to face my childhood traumas, accept them, heal them, and move on. God is so merciful and i am grateful that I finally listened this time. And i can finally move on.

I dont need band-aids anymore. I am beautiful in spite of my scars. And i am beautiful because of them. My scars no longer hurt and i can finally get on to the real purpose of my life on earth (God willing).

I cant wait.


At 7:05 PM, Blogger Kris said...

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars.

Ok, so not totally helpful in this situation. This was a great post. I'm sad you've had to go through all of this, but I'm glad you seem to be really looking out for yourself and learning what you can from the situation, because really, what else can we do?

At 12:13 AM, Blogger Lut C. said...

I'm glad you're finding a path for you to move on. Healing from IF is such a personal experience, and though I can't follow you on your path, I can sure cheer you on allong the way.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger Baby Blues said...

God answers our prayers in three ways:
YES. He gives you what you want.
NO. He gives you something better than what you asked.
WAIT. He gives you the best in His time.

I agree that it is only through God that we could be complete. It's just hard to comprehend His plan at times. That's why we pray. Through prayer we ask for strength and acceptance. Because no matter what we do to get what we want, the gift of life comes from HIM.


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