Sunday, September 17, 2006

Oh, What a Feeling

Um ... hello everyone... i'm a little embarrassed to ask, but has it really been more than two weeks since my last post??? Jeez Louis, is that why no one visits anymore? And here i was thinking it had something to do with the fact that this exciting adventure through ivf kingdom has suddenly flatlined. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And, who wants to read about an infertile bemoaning the fact that she's infertile, right?

For instance, it probably wont interest you to know that it's been 4 weeks since the ivf cancellation. And you know what i noticed? The world goes on. I mean, this is like the hugest calamity to befall us, and the world has the unmitigated gall to go on, as if nothing happened. How dare you! Really! I'm kind of mad, when i think about it. Because, the world does revolve moi, doesnt it?!

I feel like i'm in that scene from the Matrix where Neo is dropped into the middle of a bustling downtown city street with people walking past him. A part of me just wants to stop and scream, "People, people, stop! What are you doing? Don't you know, we cant have children of our own?! I think y'all better go home now and mourn this great loss to humanity. Pronto!" God, some people gotta lot of nerve going back to work like nothing happened.

And then, last week i downloaded this and i cant get the song outta my head. I connected with it on some level. So much so that it kind of depressed me, deeply. And for a couple of days there i was thinking man, life just sucks and if only i were nothing but forgotten. Like, what's the point of my life now, huh? ... Yeah, um, depressing. And then i thought, you know what would fix this? I would feel so much better if i could just remodel my kitchen. Seriously, i love to cook and bake, but my kitchen is too tight for me to do any real damage. And, if only my kitchen were all fixed, then i could cook to my heart's delight and i wouldnt be so broken hearted.

So i discussed it with dh. "Dh, guess what! i found a cure for me. Remodeling. So i can do what i really want ... bake."

So you want to feel better by spending money?

No, by baking.

But first you have to spend a ton of money?

A ton? No, not me. i'm not materialistic that way. I'm just making the kitchen more functional, for both of us.

i find it functional now.

B-but i dont. And i'm feeling really bad.

i know honey. I know. But your bad feelings dont stem from a poorly designed kitchen.

I know. I know. I know what you guys are all thinking ... why do we read her, she's nutty! Dh is so right. It's just sooooooooooooo much easier to dream about a better future. That's what i did with kids. I used the prospect of having children to avoid dealing with the bad feelings i had as a kid. Yeah, i figured whatever happened to me in the present didnt matter because when i grew up, i was definitely going to treat my kids right. And that's all that mattered.

And so here i am again, stuck with this awful, dreadful pain. And my immediate reaction is to cover it up with another phantom hope for the future.

But, as dh pointed out, i'm not dealing with what's really bothering me. I'm just postponing it the pain.

So, how do you deal with it? How, Mr.-know-it-all????



And so with no small amount of reluctance, i gave up the dream and i stopped fantasizing about my dream kitchen remodel. I just let the wave of bad feeling wash over me, and nearly drown me (salt water sucks!). Eventually, after you fight the urge to scramble and panic (especially since you've just inhaled some nasty seawater), you do begin to float, if you try to ride it.

And so that was the painful joyride of last week. It helped that i prayed and meditated on this regularly.

This week, i am feeling amazingly better. I no longer see pregnant women and feel bad. I feel nyeh. I feel relieved. And i feel glad on some level. Glad that i no longer lumber around with this huge hole in my heart waiting for it to be finally filled with the joy of my children. I feel relieved of that past burden, of the past want, of the past hurt.

So, this patience thing aint so bad. Patience through pain, though, lemme forewarn you, HURTS ... A LOT. But, it also heals. It's like pulling out a bad tooth.

Once it's out, you feel so much better.

That's not to say that it's all behind me. But i hope, at least, i am on the right road this time to heartbreak recovery, God willing.


At 11:41 AM, Blogger steph said...

I had the oppostite. MY hubby is trying to find things to occupy my time. For my recent b-day, he bought me jewelry making supplies. I have already invested in cake decorating and scrapbooking, and he seriously wants to add to the $ count of hobby 'stuff'? He said it would give me something to do while I was layed up after the egg transfer. Although I love him dearly, the sentiment gets lost a little in the underlying 'here's something for you to do so you'll quit obsessing'.
Instead of a full overhaul, maybe take a cake decorating class like I did. If you like to bake, it's pretty cool to learn how to make lots of pretty flowers for your desserts..........

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Summer said...

I think trying to find new dreams and new ways to make your life fulfilling would be a good thing to do. Maybe, if you can't overhaul your whole kitchen, you could do something small so at least you can enjoy your cooking and baking more than you do now. Seems like there could be some other alternative that can give you a little bit of what you want without having to go into bankruptcy.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

You sound like you're pulling through. That's very encouraging, even if it means you're posts are fewer and far between. :-)

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Drew said...

Hey mate - if there is something that gives you pleasure then yeah definitely do it! I am glad you find your niche! It really helps to clear the mind!
I went from cooking classes, to belly dancing, hip hop dancing (that was nasty), beading, guitar lessons (that was VEEEEERY expensive), and card making. It helped to keep my mind busy.

:) Keep your spirits up.

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Healing does hurt but I'm so glad you are doing it - you are worth it to work through it and move past it! Hope he comes through on the kitchen though - that would still be nice. I always called mine the "Step Saver Kitchen" because it was so small...

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Donna said...

This healing thing is a fickle creature...sometimes it feels like you are moving forward and bluebirds are singing, and sometimes the pain hits you like a dumptruck, without warning. You have no choice but to go on, just the like the world, have the audacity to live your life. Maybe some new cooking stuff would suffice for now? A new mixer, perhaps?

At 6:42 PM, Blogger StellaNova said...

I am right now planning the remodelling of our bathroom. I can't possibly be happy and fulifilled with an ageing bathroom and missing tiles! AB doesn't agree, but I think he's going along with it just to humour me. But you sound good, no matter what you're doing with your kitchen. Keep baking.

At 6:20 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I hope the highs come more frequently than the lows. I'm all about spending $ when I'm upset. It's nice that you and dh could talk about it and he could convince you that the kitchen was not the issue. H would have gotten the death glare from me as I stalked off to price new stoves.

Many hugs.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger Wishing 4 One said...

Hey my friend, i missed you. I too, have not blogged forever, hurting the same as you....

The hurt never goes away and really I believe in trying to occupy ourselves with "something" to change our thoughts if only for that little bit of time.

I too am feeling better. We will get through this, no other choice. We both know that God has a Plan for us, just waiting for Him to reveal it...I know you're waiting too. Let me know when you find out and I'll do the same....LOL

Sending you lots of hugs from a depressed but now better, hopeful, sad, yet optimistic sister to another....(smile)...xoxoxoxo


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