Friday, October 13, 2006

Off the Emotional Rollercoaster

I spent the evening with two REALLY PREGNANT women today, my sister (due in Dec) and sil (due October). THE.WHOLE.ENTIRE.EVENING. And i was totally ok. Very different from the past, where i would avoid such scenes or at least limit the contact. In the past, it's like i would have a chemical reaction, a biochemical reaction, a meltdown i couldnt avoid or control to anything babywise. So, that's why i would avoid the baby scene as much as possible. But even unavoidable baby scenes, like pregnant women on the street, had the power to make me feel bad. Again, beyond my control, like a chemical reaction. Once it starts, there's no stopping it. There's only suffering through it, riding out the reaction.

But today, it was different. No chemical reaction, no threat of biochemical emotional meltdown. I feel settled. Confident that i am who i am, and that's not defined by children. Children dont make me nor do i need any to complete me. I understand that now. More than that, i feel the truth of it in my soul. And, it's an amazing truth to finally "know." It's almost as if this suffering, all this infertile suffering, has paid off. I gained a truth i could never feel before, a freedom i never had before. I am free of random emotional meltdowns beyond my control. And that is priceless. To be able to spend time with a pregnant woman and be totally unphased? To touch my sister's stomach by the force of her hand dragging me to her belly and to feel my nephew and feel nothing but compassion for him? No thoughts about me and what i dont have. I dont care about that anymore. I'm no longer bound by the trauma of what i dont have.

I am finally off the emotional rollercoaster, something i have wanted for the longest time. Peace of heart. No more being jerked up and down and back and forth by random unpredictable events. I know where the control buttons are, and this journey has been worth that discovery. A gem of knowledge that gives me a greater comfort than i ever imagined possible. A level of peace i never knew.


At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Great post- so full of compassion... x

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Donna said...

I'm not sure given the chance I would go through infertility again for the life lessons it taught me, but since that isn't reality I will take the good with the bad. Its like looking for love...once you stop looking for it you understand it better. That's not to say that now that you feel like you don't need children that one will miraculously come into your life, but it is wonderful to feel peaceful.

At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Leggy said...

Wow- that's quite a change of heart given a few months ago. I'm impressed with how you've managed to arrive at this place of peace.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

How liberating!
Somehow, the biochemical response I had to seeing random families on the street has gone. Temporarily, perhaps.
Relative's and friend's kids are another story. Oh well, Rome wasn't built in a day.

At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess eventually it was to be expected. When you first get off the rollercoaster, you head is still spinning, but evenutally you feel normal again. I'm glad you enjoyed the time with your family

At 11:49 AM, Blogger steph said...

That was a wonderful post~ And I can related to every word of it. OK. Not every word since my friends have babies and are no longer pregnant people, but you know what I mean!
Sounds like a calm place to be and I'm very happy for you.
Have you decided what's next?
Not that I want you to leave the happy place, just curious (0:


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