Sunday, September 17, 2006

Oh, What a Feeling

Um ... hello everyone... i'm a little embarrassed to ask, but has it really been more than two weeks since my last post??? Jeez Louis, is that why no one visits anymore? And here i was thinking it had something to do with the fact that this exciting adventure through ivf kingdom has suddenly flatlined. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And, who wants to read about an infertile bemoaning the fact that she's infertile, right?

For instance, it probably wont interest you to know that it's been 4 weeks since the ivf cancellation. And you know what i noticed? The world goes on. I mean, this is like the hugest calamity to befall us, and the world has the unmitigated gall to go on, as if nothing happened. How dare you! Really! I'm kind of mad, when i think about it. Because, the world does revolve moi, doesnt it?!

I feel like i'm in that scene from the Matrix where Neo is dropped into the middle of a bustling downtown city street with people walking past him. A part of me just wants to stop and scream, "People, people, stop! What are you doing? Don't you know, we cant have children of our own?! I think y'all better go home now and mourn this great loss to humanity. Pronto!" God, some people gotta lot of nerve going back to work like nothing happened.

And then, last week i downloaded this and i cant get the song outta my head. I connected with it on some level. So much so that it kind of depressed me, deeply. And for a couple of days there i was thinking man, life just sucks and if only i were nothing but forgotten. Like, what's the point of my life now, huh? ... Yeah, um, depressing. And then i thought, you know what would fix this? I would feel so much better if i could just remodel my kitchen. Seriously, i love to cook and bake, but my kitchen is too tight for me to do any real damage. And, if only my kitchen were all fixed, then i could cook to my heart's delight and i wouldnt be so broken hearted.

So i discussed it with dh. "Dh, guess what! i found a cure for me. Remodeling. So i can do what i really want ... bake."

So you want to feel better by spending money?

No, by baking.

But first you have to spend a ton of money?

A ton? No, not me. i'm not materialistic that way. I'm just making the kitchen more functional, for both of us.

i find it functional now.

B-but i dont. And i'm feeling really bad.

i know honey. I know. But your bad feelings dont stem from a poorly designed kitchen.

I know. I know. I know what you guys are all thinking ... why do we read her, she's nutty! Dh is so right. It's just sooooooooooooo much easier to dream about a better future. That's what i did with kids. I used the prospect of having children to avoid dealing with the bad feelings i had as a kid. Yeah, i figured whatever happened to me in the present didnt matter because when i grew up, i was definitely going to treat my kids right. And that's all that mattered.

And so here i am again, stuck with this awful, dreadful pain. And my immediate reaction is to cover it up with another phantom hope for the future.

But, as dh pointed out, i'm not dealing with what's really bothering me. I'm just postponing it the pain.

So, how do you deal with it? How, Mr.-know-it-all????



And so with no small amount of reluctance, i gave up the dream and i stopped fantasizing about my dream kitchen remodel. I just let the wave of bad feeling wash over me, and nearly drown me (salt water sucks!). Eventually, after you fight the urge to scramble and panic (especially since you've just inhaled some nasty seawater), you do begin to float, if you try to ride it.

And so that was the painful joyride of last week. It helped that i prayed and meditated on this regularly.

This week, i am feeling amazingly better. I no longer see pregnant women and feel bad. I feel nyeh. I feel relieved. And i feel glad on some level. Glad that i no longer lumber around with this huge hole in my heart waiting for it to be finally filled with the joy of my children. I feel relieved of that past burden, of the past want, of the past hurt.

So, this patience thing aint so bad. Patience through pain, though, lemme forewarn you, HURTS ... A LOT. But, it also heals. It's like pulling out a bad tooth.

Once it's out, you feel so much better.

That's not to say that it's all behind me. But i hope, at least, i am on the right road this time to heartbreak recovery, God willing.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I Am Childless

There was a knock at my door this evening. Who knocks on doors? Especially when there's a doorbell? It was, i thought, my mom, who i expected. But why didnt she ring the bell? Was the bell broken? Those were my thoughts as i left three pots mid-cooking to answer the door.

It was a little girl. "I want to play with your daughter," she said. Her mother stood behind, in the distance.

"I'm sorry. I dont have one for you to play with," i said, but i wish i did, really i wish i did.

How cute is that? Someone knocked on my door to play with my daughter. It's cute, but very sad.

The girl's mother explained that she had seen a little girl come into this house. At this point in the conversation, my cat ran out. So i dressed (yes, i dont want my neighbors seeing the way i dress at home for the good dh, lower your gaze, people!) and came out, but by then the mother and daughter were moving onto the next house in search of this playmate. It was then that it occurred to me that she must have meant the neighbor's house, with their little girl. I tried to meet the mother, but they were on a mission. I only got as far as getting her daughter's name.

Oh well. I guess if i dont have kids, i'm not worth meeting or getting to know as a neighbor. How many people with kids have time for those without? It's just so convenient to hang out with the parents' of your kids' friends' ... isnt it?

I only wish that i could have answered the door with a different answer. But, no, i have to tell strangers, small children even, i am childless. I am childless. I am childless. I am CHILDLESS.

Sometimes i dont know if i'll ever get over that. Sometimes it really hits me, like the news was just delivered in that moment. Sometimes i wish it wouldnt hit me. Sometimes, i just cant believe that this is my destiny. That i would end up without children. And yet it is, but i dont want to believe it. And i dont want to have false hope for another reality because the past 15 years have proven otherwise or shown how unwise an investment in hope is.

So there will be no child for me. No children for me. I just ... i dunno ... find it sadly ironic that i get a knock on the door from someone who wants to play with my daughter.

If only.