Sunday, May 21, 2006

My Other Baby

In other infertile news, i entered my novel into a contest. I lost. But, the judges did say really nice things about it, like, they'd continue reading it and buy it if it were in stores. I got points off for technicalities, like not finishing my chapter in 25 pages. I chose substance over form (i am an artiste) and very gauchely ended my submission with a hanging sentence (i am an artiste with no class). I guess if you know anything about writing contests (i dont), you never end your entry with a sentence that presumably continues onto the next page (because, duh, my chapter didn't end yet!). Anyway, judges no likey.

I showed it to dh. He said it was better than Davinci Code (Ha! Take that silly contest) even though he never read Davinci Code it (but saw the movie!). Now lest you, dear readers, think that this is another one of the good dh's ploys to get into my pants, he is a writing professor (although, he's never written or read a romance besides mine, Jane Austen's, and Charlotte Bronte's).

Now, in defense of Davinci Code (or my novel), these two works are not in the same genre. Mine is a historical romance complete with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (HELLOOOO how did Dan Brown miss that?) and a happy ending. Mine is not a high concept, plot driven story with flat characters (yes, Gah! Flat characters, in a movie by Ron Howard, no less), one of which is supposed to be a descendant of Jesus.

Which begs the question, what happened to character development? Is character development just dead in today's novel? No depth? Just running from one scene to the next in pursuit of the elusive ending?

Unfortunately for me, my main characters are not related to Jesus, so no chance of riding the coattails of an awesome history. But, they love each other (well, not right away in the beginning, but soon enough!) and, well, doesn't love conquer all?

I wish, especially in book sales. On that note, i spent the day panicking over my query letter. I eventually settled on the right font for my letterhead (like anyone's paying attention to that, anyway, but i get so hung up on details for surely i will be rejected if i just use Times New Roman for my name) and sent it out to a few agents.

Tomorrow i want to get up early and make sure this baby is camera ready just in case anyone actually asks to see it once they get passed the debacle of my letterhead (even dh was like, you are spending WAY too much time on this AND wasting TOO MUCH PAPER).

But i have to say, after reading some slight changes i made to my novel yesterday, dh said "Your writing is better than mine." Aww (so not true!), thanks babe, you taught me everything i know ;)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Dont Wanna Have Kids

Yeah, that's right. i dont WANT any kids. Oh, wait, i meant to say i DONT want any kids. Ooops. How does that work? Why do so many people who never wanted kids end up as parents? I would like to be so lucky. So, i'm thinking maybe i should be like the shakespearean lady who protestiths too much. THAT'S my problem. I never protested. Ever!

So, i'm here to say that i dont want kids. I hate kids. Yeah, i never ever want to get pregnant, ever. I should take bcp because i dont even want to risk it! Pssht, I'm too busy for kids. Really, i am. I commute 3.5 hours a day. I'd have to move or quit my job to have kids. And i aint gonna do that. I'm not making ANY sacrifices FOR NO ONE. I'm not the sacrificial sort. I refuse, REFUSE, to be inconvenienced. Girl, please, I love my sleep. I do. And i need it and want it. But i dont want kids. No, i dont. Nonononononono, NO!

Besides, there's too much life to live, things to do, people to see, books to write, crafts to create, fun, fun, fun! And then, there's the matter of saving the world and bringing peace on earth.

So you see folks, i really cant have kids. Nosirree, no kids for me. It's really for the best. No kids, none, nada. Dont want any. Then, i'll have more time for memememememe and the small matter of spreading love and peace throughout the universe.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

That's My Life

I met a woman today who has my life ... or, i should say, the one i planned on having. We share the same major, we share the same career, and we're both romantics at heart. The only difference is, she never really wanted a big family and i did. But once she started having kids, she realized it wasn't such a bad idea afterall. And then she ended up with nine. NINE. And she works full time ... as a lawyer. That's awesome, man. Just awesome.

And that's the life i always wanted.

And i feel happy for her and sad for myself because i know exactly what she has and it's everything i ever wanted. And it's great. Great for her. And a little bittersweet for me. Is that bad to say? Because i dont want to detract from what she has. God bless her and her family. Everyone deserves a big family, imho. That's all. Everyone.

Including me.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Sad News

I've been feeling a little sad these days, especially since clicking over to Cancerbaby. She died today of ovarian cancer. She was only 33. I just found her blog the other day and suddenly i wish i knew her.

I feel very saddened by this news, which i only now found out as i went over there to copy paste her url. I was initially going to say that i've been saddened these few days to read about her experience with the return of cancer at such a young age, to go into the doctor for infertility and be diagnosed with cancer instead, to kick it into remission only to have it rear it's ugly head a few years later. And now, all i can say is that i'm very saddened by her death and the loss of Cancerbaby.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Business As Usual

So, I got my period yesterday. I guess it's back to business as usual. I took off the week i was suppose to have the transfer. I couldnt go back to work right away, even though, physically and technically speaking, i guess i could have. But why?

Anyway, people have asked at work, how it went. It's mostly just a curiosity for them. Most of them just want to know if i'm pregnant, not understanding that it would take another 2 weeks of waiting. I just tell them it didnt work out. Then it's on to other news, what they did for the weekend, how they stayed in and watched the Two Towers because it was such a rainy day. As if that's comparable conversation?! Yeah, bummer for you, it rained so you had to stay indoors. How did you deal?

Anyway, today i feel such a lull. As if the numbing shock has finally worn off and i have post-ivf-failure dumps.

It's just so blah today. It could also be pms.

In the meantime, we got a call about a baby in need of adoption, but the prerequisite is that one parent has to be a stay at home parent because the baby is sick and needs a lot of trips to the doctor. First off, i'm not in no mood to discuss adoption. Second, i dont want random community women calling me asking me if i'm interested in adopting, as if they have any say or control in it actually happening!

What else? I'm really just a tad irritated today. Just a smidge.

I caught up on some of my old blog haunts. Ouch. Word to the wise, it's hard to read ivf blogs when yours just failed. Heck, it's hard to see our ivf drugs still beckoning to us everytime we open the fridge. It's just sad. Sad again that you're stalled and stuck. Failure staring at you as it stands right next to the ketchup. It's wrong. Leave my ketchup alone, dammit.

But I dont want to throw the drugs away. We're going to try this bag of fun one more time, with a fresh tese. But, we have to wait 3 months while we try a new drug (Cue I Wanna New Drug music). It's actually an old drug, but not usually prescribed to patient's with azo + high fsh. We decided to stick with our urologist because, it turns out, he's the head of his department at a major university AND infertility is his specialty. He was not around for our retrieval because he was away at some urological conference for a urological association which he also heads. Anyway, he says he met another doctor from Egypt that used clomid on patients with unobstructed azo and high fsh (where it's often used on patients with low fsh) and found improvement in 25% of his patients. This is not a study, just his experience.

So what the heck. We're going to try it for 3 months. That and Maca. Does that do anything?

Who knows. I'm so sick of this subject.

And i'm just so tired.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Psyche Out

Dumbfounded. Shocked. Surprised. Stupified. Stupified. Stupified. Stupified.

Need I say more? That basically sums up my past week. That, and a sudden case of the jinx. Like maybe I talk too much about my life? Maybe I need to go crawl in a corner and suffer in silence. Maybe then I wont suffer? Right? It could happen!

So my old self tries to tell myself. But after a week of that, I realized that my old self fits like a garbage bag. I spent the week wondering if I could/should have insisted/persisted more strongly to search the vials, questioning the competence of the embryologists, and coming to the certain conclusion that I could have found something in those vials, if only I had done the looking. If only! If only I had gone to medical school, I’m sure I could have elbowed my way into a looksy at our genetic parts. I should have elbowed my way anyway!

Then I started thinking that maybe I should look into going to medical school anyway. What, it’s only about two years of prerequisites to sit for the mcat, and then at least another EIGHT YEARS of serious debt before I can elbow my way into the doctor’s backrooms. I’ll only be 43 by then. And then, I can save the world through healing, just like I always wanted.

I just shoulda, shoulda, shoulda gone to medical school. And then, maybe, maybe, maybe this catastrophe would have been averted. I could have averted it. I could have saved myself. If only ...

I reread the end of my last entry: Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Can you tell I’m a product of a divorce? Whenever anything suddenly goes in the least expected but worst way, I scramble to figure out how I could have prevented it so IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. On some level, I internalized my parents’ divorce as a reflection on me and ever since then have been scrambling to cross all my t’s and dot all my I’s so that, in a way, my parents don’t get mad at me again and do another drastic horrible thing to my life.

And my reaction to last Sunday was, initially, more of the same, only now I’ve subplanted my parents with God. But it’s all the same, internally; I did something wrong that angered the powers that be and I now must do whatever I can to correct that so it never happens again. When in reality, you know what, sometimes you just don’t get what you want. (GASP!) And it’s really NOT a reflection of me. (GASP, GASP!) It’s just a reflection of life. It hurts like hell but it doesn’t simultaneously mean you’re going there. (REALLY!?) It doesn’t. (PHEW.)

It just hurts, is all. Pure, unadulterated pain. (OUCH) Covering it up with an old garbage bag wont help it or make it go away. (BUT IF FEEL SO RIGHT TO TRY). I can still feel the pain nonetheless. And trying to cover it with a big black bag or hiding in a corner only gives you a false hope that you can control your life or the pain you suffer.

But you cant. And it's good to know that. And since pain does not equal damnation to eternal hell, you discover that at some point, it plateaus, levels off, and eventually recedes (SO THE NEXT WAVE CAN HIT, HAHA, SUCKER). And, yes, the next wave may bring more pain, but it may also bring happiness.

But you will never know, if you go off to hide from it.