21st Day!

Yay! Today's the 21st day i've been on bcp. So today i start lupron. I'm really excited. Lupron until my period starts, then back to fertility center for another baseline test ... yadda, yadda, yadda and a little badabing and we'll be shopping at Target again! If only it were that easy. And speaking of Target, man, that's like a mommy's haven. I dont get around to Tarjay that often because i usually spend my weekends lolling between the bed and the coach and so i'm WAY TOO busy to go shopping, sillies. But now, with bcp, dostinex, prenatal vitamins, gluten free diet, and good ole american excitation all around the nation, my emotions and hormones are all over the board. As you know, i started out this ivf month with upset stomach, a general disgust of food, and sore breasts. The stomach upset and food disgust have settled a bit thanks to pepcid, although i'm still not doing coffee or brownies. But NOW, i'm like, NESTING or something. Suddenly, i'm organizing my laundry with great interest and excitement, putting up curtains, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the pantry ... and hence i've had to make many MANY visits to Tarjay.

But, i hope that's it for now because, really, that place is totally geared towards preggers, babies, and young mommies. Ever notice how HUGE the maternity section is? No, really, it's like twice as big as the women's clothing section (not that i shop there for clothing, mind you, unless i'm looking for something a little hoochified, which on a occasion, i admit, i am. With all these scantily clad women on tv, i always want dh to know and see that he's got better, right at home. Yeah, well i can try! So said attire is usually only worn for his gazing--lest you think i'm not mother material--and usually doesnt get to stay on all that long ;) Ok, but back to my point about the maternity section that took over the store. It's not just that, the clothes in that section are cuter than the clothes in other sections. Invariably, my eye always catches a cute top and then i look up to see "maternity." I refuse, RE-FUSE, to buy maternity clothes, no matter how cute the top, unless i'm pregnant.

And THEN, the baby section spills over into the whole store. You walk out of the bathroom section and run into the baby t's section. You walk by the registers and must pass all the cute kids' clothes. You walk out of the shoe section to run into the baby furniture section. And this is to say nothing of all the pregnant women and small cute babies that infiltrate that store.

So no more Target for me, except that i'm looking for this one ottoman, and after going to 3 different targets in the area and looking online, i cant find it anywhere. What i really want is one of those big square brown leather ottomans for the living room. But i'm doing it ala Trading Spaces, with 4 little faux leather square otts squeezed together. (Hey, in defense of Fertile Soul, she is trying to have a baby and wants to save moula for Hello Kitty decor, of course!) . . . So, what to do, what to do, about the missing 3 otts that causes me to venture yet again into preggyland???

Anyway, but enough about Target, let's talk about me. Mememememememe. I'm a little anxious. These drugs give me small waves of anxiety. A few waves strung together and i feel so self-conscious, out of place, and out of sorts. Add to that my RE's recent call to discuss donor options in case things dont work out has set me a little off kilter. And then, i feel sad. Yeah, that's right me--hyper, excited, cant-wait-to-be-poked-by-a-needle me. I'm also having waves of fall-to-my-knees-cant-stop-crying weeping. This is really an emotional roller coaster and i feel so alone.

I know i shouldnt, but i do. And i dont want to admit it because i feel like i failed then somehow. And i dont want to feel like a failure.