Saturday, March 25, 2006


I'm suffering today from a decidedly lack of friendship. The few friends i did tell about our ivf dont really call and ask about me. If they do, they're just calling for an update, basically, i feel like they're calling for an update to the countdown to know when it's appropriate to ask if your pg or not. But there's really no one around who can appreciate the emotional ramifications and toll this takes.

And, my parents know nothing about this. As far as they know, we're still infertile, and i'd rather keep it that way. There's never been any support from that quarter. So i'm not even going to bother.

The RE called me yesterday. She's such a sweetheart. But i should have known that something was up, else why is she callin? I'm still on bcp for another 10 days or so.

Well, without going into great detail, she called to review our options in case egg and sperm do not care to meet, and apparently, there's some chance of that happening. As in, they never cared to meet in the privacy of our bedouir, suddenly they're going to care about it with an audience about under the blaring lights of a petri dish?

Ok, that's not how she put it, but she called to remind us of our options (donors being one) and suddenly it feels like someone just punched me in the stomach and threw cold water on me at the same time. It's not her fault (AT ALL). But when we were first informed that there's a chance of ivf, we were under the impression that we had a good chance of having our own genes to work with. Now suddenly the picture isnt so rosey.

And i have no one to talk to about this. I feel so sad. I mean, well, it's a small chance that my cute egg wont like the sudden introduction of dh's awesome sperm. My cute egg will probably want a little romance, sweet talkin, and some cuddlin. But there really is that chance that our cells wont meet. What then? And isnt that sad? I want to cry.

Well, on a grand level, i can see that this will leave us no worse off than where we started (although i will be drugged up and down and all around). But in the long run, we started with no kids and might end up with no kids. No "real" loss. But, i cant be so mathematical about it. Yes we started with no kids, but things changed. Now we think about it and hope for it. And if we dont get it, it's a new loss for us. We cant just go back to the previous mourning and think, well, good thing i already mourned this cuz now this aint gonna hurt so much! Dummy.

And today, it kinda hurts, especially when there's no one around to comfort you and help you feel it's going to be all right. Even my favorite go-to comfort (brownies) cant help me today. Suddenly, now that i'm on bcp, brownies sound so disgusting to me. Yeah, i know. I can hardly believe it. I even baked some today. I have no desire to taste them. More on that later.

I just wanted to say, i'm having one those days.

On that note, i shall leave with this song and proof that i am a true product of the 80's. In lieu of an actual mp3 (which i dont know how to attach) here are the lyrics.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Theme Song to Cheers


At 11:50 AM, Blogger Sunnie said...

I feel that EXACT same way...

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Kris said...

Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry.

There's nothing about this that is easy or not sucky. It constantly feels like you've got a sign around your neck that says, "Please, kick me when I'm down. And if I'm not down, shove me. Then kick me after I fall." doesn't it?

And, you're right. Math is not helpful in this situation. If things don't work (But I sincerely really really hope they do), you might not have a tagible loss, but this hope you feel now is real, and any loss of it is real, too.

I hope you are able to come up with a "Plan B" if Ova shuns Tad. But fingers crossed she'll be a little slutty.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Forgive me if you already covered this, but are you doing ICSI? Seems like that would be your absolute best chance for success. I know it does add more cost (as if IVF isn't expensive enough), but sometimes it's worth it. I wish you had someone in real life you could turn to right now.

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

This was the conversation with ICSI in mind.

Thank you for your good words and kind thoughts.

Fertile Soul

At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I can very much relate to this- very few people IRL understand what we've been through. I think its harder to be told there is hope after being told there isn't- it feels like so much is riding on things that go on in little petri dish.

Hope you can keep your sanity intact as you go through this.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger MoMo said...

Hi...I'm a lurker and I am also new to the infertility blog world. I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I can totally family don't understand and some of my friends who knows don't call me either. I think they don't know what to say to me. I hope that things will work out for you guys...we all have to keep believeing in that.

At 1:13 PM, Blogger GiBee said...

I'm sooo sorry to hear how you're feeling... I've been down for the count for the last 11 days with a viscious (sp?) stomach virus... and my son had rotovirus... let's not go there.

I think that you just need to take it one step at a time. I know that's hard to digest, because so much is coming at you, so fast... but you haven't had your first IVF yet, so you don't know you WILL have a problem with the egg and sperm shaking it up like they should! They may take one look at each other, and go off to find a groovy place to procreate in!

Just be patient. Don't freak out over anything just yet. You're doing great... Sometimes nurses can be overly careful to cover all the info, and it really isn't necessary to worry over certain things yet.

Seriously. I wish they would just let you be!

Keep updating us on how you're doing!

At 7:59 AM, Anonymous Georgia said...

Oh...I'm sorry.
Please keep in mind that she's just reviewing your options, going over the possibilities, covering her bases, you know?
It doesn't mean it won't work with your egg/his sperm. Just a back up plan, right?
I'm sorry you feel so alone in this. Remember there are folks in the world who know and who care....


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