Seeing Red

AF arrived Saturday night. Well, technically, it was 4 am in the morning, so i should say it arrived today, March 12. Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Here's the thing. For a moment there, i prayed, i mean REALLY PRAYED that i could be and get pregnant without ivf. If not for infertility, it's like such a shame to turn my body into a science project, with unknown and untold consequences to come. You know? I mean, things are ok now, if not for infertility. Physically, it's all right. Mentally, it's all right. And even emotionally, it's all right. In fact, it's all good. So why step into this quagmire, why risk it?

And so sometimes i think, well, if I’m going to get pregnant anyway, why cant I just pray to God to bypass the ivf portion and give me a pregnancy straightaway? Doesnt that seem simpler, easier, better?? Doesnt that make sense? And then when i see red, i think that if God didn’t answer my prayer, well, maybe what that really means is that there's going to be no baby at the end of ivf either. So maybe I shouldn’t bother trying and I should just accept a childless fate. Right? If i prayed for it and didnt get it, why will ivf change that? Ok, on some level (i wont torture you by taking you there) this makes SO MUCH SENSE to me. But doesnt it though?

But i see also, that i'm WAY overthinking this. I have a tendency to do that. It's kinda what gets me into trouble. Yes, it might seem simpler to travel the shortest distance between two points, but sometimes the shortest distance is a matter of perspective ... as we all recall from nonEuclidean geometry, right? For instance, the shortest distance between two points on a piece of paper is straight line, but the shortest distance between two places on the planet is actually a curved line. (See how much fun math is!)

Anyhoo, back to my point. There's one quote from one of my favorite movies (Rudy) where the main character prays and prays and prays to get into Notre Dame but keeps getting rejected. He speaks to the priest after one of his praying sessions and asks about his unanswered prayers, to which the priest says something like "You make your prayers in your time, and God will answer them in His time." Awesome, huh? Go rent it, you'll love it. And, interestingly enough, if Rudy had been accepted into Notre Dame from day one, there never would have been a movie called Rudy. The story was all about achieving his dream of playing on the Notre Dame football team. If he got on the team from the beginning, then there never would have been an inspirational story to tell.

Yeah, see, i'm telling ya, i'm a romantic at heart. I'm still trying to work out the romantic angle of ivf, though. That's a tad tough.

Especially on days when you see red.