Another Drug Induced Moment

Under the influence of female hormones, i made the following purchase:



Not one but THREE sets of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger bookends. Why, you might query of the formally lucid now clearly muddled Fertile Soul??? Well, one for her sister, who is preggo. And one for her friend, who had a baby months ago and Fertile Soul has yet to visit (tsk, tsk, shame, shame). Good thing she finally found a gift, huh? And, well, one for Fertile Soul. Yes, ladies, i've gone and done it. I purchased something baby-wise. I know it's so pathetic, emphasis on SO PATHETIC. I havent been so pathetic in years. I mean, well, i have but the point is i havent purchased anything for my kids in years. And, in a very healthy moment, i gave everything i did purchase or acquire over the years away, after way too many infertile years ... except for a wooden train set and the dress i saved from when i was a kid. Yes, i've been planning and saving for that long.

But just the other day i was in Borders for an entirely different reason, and there were these beautiful book ends. Not just that, they're books too, look:

See, the book slides out of the bookend with Tigger attached to the cover and then opens into a book:


Cute, huh? AND, the set was only $7.99 at Borders. I took the last three, greedy girl that i am ... one for me, just in case, you know, things work out, dreams come true, prayers are answers (i hope, God willing).

In the end, there's another person i could give the third set to (isn't there always) so i dont have to be stuck with this drug induced purchase if i dont want to. Or i could fling it at the window. I'm sure it makes an excellent projectile device for the fertile mind.

But, at the moment of purchase in the store, when i was getting it for my sister and friend, when i really justed wanted one for myself, i could not deny myself this guilty pleasure.

I just hope i can display it one day in my house.

Snark Butt

I'm feeling a little snarky ... well, incredibly aggravated, if you really wanna know. It's totally drug induced i'd like to add because i am NEVER snarky, you know. I'm always cute and perky ... well, that's how i sound in my head, at least, but then when it comes out, i remember all this other stuff that went with the scene.

Let's take today for example. Today, my snarky laundry friend, who decided that i couldnt possibly have finished my laundry unless i laundered in the nude. (It's an idea. I might even try it. I dont mind. No one else around besides dh, and i like to give him all the previews he wants ;) .... but getting back to snarky friend. Today she told me (and she was so excited to deliver this news too) that an old friend of hers that she hasnt heard from in ages just went through an ivf and it was successful. "Just so you know, it can be sometimes." Uhhh, thanks wise ass. You're brilliant. No wonder you went to law school. You're a real smarty (farty).

And then the other day, this guy (ok, a family acquaintance) calls out of the total blue (because we havent heard or seen this guy in at least two years) to say that he just had a boy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat. I really did not want to know that. Thanks for sharing, moron. I mean do you think a couple that does not have children really wants to hear from a couple that just did? Really? And we havent heard from you in years nor do you have any idea what's going on with us nor do you obviously care but we're supposed to give a fricken rat's ass about you now because you accomplished the one thing we could not?!

Stupid. I cant stand stupid people. Really, i just cant. I think there should be a stupid island where people get ejected to until they're able to snap two brain cells together and figure out a way back to the mainland.

And, there should be an eject button too.

Dragons & Heroes

Well, i'm sorry for my unusual absence. I saw that my last post was posted on Thursday, i didnt realize it was two thursdays ago.

What have i been doing? Buckling down, getting all the ducks in a row, preparing my files at work for my short absence, cleaning around the house. I am so caught up in laundry, it's unbelievable. Truly. I've never been this caught up. I told a friend at work that i was caught up in laundry and she said, "well, you're never really caught up, unless you do your laundry naked." That was supposed to be funny, but why does it sound so snarky? Dont hate on me because i did a little laundry. And dont fret, i still havent done my winter coat or taken the huge pile left for the dry cleaners to the dry cleaners.

Anyway, i started another crochet project. I did this last ivf, but this time i'm much further along. I'm already half way done. I'm crocheting a backpack, a la The Sak. I bought their backpack but was so disappointed with the style. The straps are too short or something. So i just had to make my own.

I've also been watching some movies...nothing else to do while crocheting. If you're curious about Brothers Grimm, it sucked. I also watched Glory Road ... nyeh. The story of the first college basketball coach to play African American athletes is compelling, but the execution of it in this movie was not so. I also got The Thai Warrior, hoping it was something close to Hero. It was not. I cant for the life of me figure out why Ebert gave it 3 stars, unless it was a pity vote. The main character, the great Thai Warrior, was a dumb country bumpkin. Sorry to say, but he was. We couldnt finish that one. It was too slow (or the hero was, except, of course, when he was kicking someone's ass, which he wasn't even supposed to do because he vowed, quite randomly i might add, to never ever use his powers, after he spent his life learning them. But who cares about character inconsistencies these days, right? Let the mush-minded rule!)....

N..E..who ... I also have Casanova (was that good?) and Just Like Heaven left to watch, but i dont think i'll get to it before they're due back.

On the ivf front, i met with the RE to discuss protocol. This is the first meeting since our ivf1 cancellation, which she wasnt even at, since she was not on call that day. But i still like her (am i naive?). No really, she's nice ... i think. Anyway, she was like, "why did you guys cancel the fresh tese last time ... just out of curiosity?" Um, huh?? Why dont you know this? "Because, the urologist was out of town."

I asked her about freezing eggs. She said that's an option, and that it was an option the last go-around. We could have frozen our eggs for a day or so to wait for the fresh tese, if we had wanted. ... What did you just say? And why didnt you say this 4 months ago!

Well, yes, you see, that was an option. Uh, thanks for the notice. A little late, but who cares about timing.

Actually, she said that frozen eggs reduces our chances of viable pg by half and that it's not the optimal choice for a cycle.

Oh well, maybe she was right. But still, a girl wants to know her options.

RE went on to prescribe lupron, once a day but same dosage. I have to take it between 5-8 pm every night. Then she added a new drug to be phased in at the end of the stimulation to hopefully address the problem i had last time with my dip in estrogen levels before the trigger. Remember that? Fun times. Finally, she capped the meeting with a little talk about donor options ... say what? Talk about stroking the underbelly of a sleeping, firebreathing dragon and that would be an understatement. She went on to say that donor sperm and egg is no different than a donor blood or organ. Interesting point. Tell that to fire-breathing dragon. In one of the most intense and forging moments of my life, i learned that we are not cool with the donor option, not because religion says it aint so, but because of an internal moral and ethical personal code that cant be violated ... without awakening said dragon.

So there you have it. There's something incredibly sexy about a man with strong personal conviction, like an armored shield. Be not fooled by the easy cloak of fleshy exterior made fashionable in this day and age of gluttony and mental laxity, at the core of this man lies an unbreakable heart of solid gold, a mind as sharp as a sword, and an unwavering soul as steadfast as the straight path.

Will the Real Slim Sperm Please Stand Up

We met with the urologist today. Here's the low down. The chances of a repeat no-go on retreival day are high. The chances of not finding any sperm are real. The chances of both of us going through this for nothing are very possible. So, on retrieval day, when dh goes off to have sperm captured at a separate location from me, where i'll be having my eggs captured, there's a chance that i will receive a call from the urologist saying they found nothing. It's over. It'll be like IVF1 deja vu except worse because dh wont be near me!

It's good to know this and remember this and be clear about what we're doing here. We're taking a slim chance. A real slim chance. Still, a slim chance is better than no chance. But let us not forget, it's slim.

In other news, there is no courier service for the live human tissue. Why live human tissue, you might ask? Because we're not finding actual sperm, sillies, (hence the slimness of the chance), we're looking for the dna stuff before it becomes a floating sperm. That, my friends, is embedded in the tissue. Ouch! And that's hard to find, as you can imagine, without cutting up all the tissue. Sometimes the doctors luck out and the first draw is a gold mine ... of a couple of sperm. Other times they have to poke around and hope they dont have to do too much poking (or damage) to find any because it can be ... well, damaging.

But, we've now confirmed with the urologist, who was the head of the urology department at a university, that there is no courier service for said tissue. The university does not take liability of loss, in case of mishap. So the burden is on the patient's family and friends to carry the sperm to its destination. Talk about the long road to conception and so many players in between. I mean, do babies really get made this way? This is more of a situation-comedy than real life--a brady bunch episode in the making. Dh and i missed our true calling as sitcom writers, instead of parents. We dont even have to make up the stuff. We could just comb our biographies for a living.

So anyway, on the day of retreival, we're going to need a miracle. A miracle that sperm is found and a miracle that it's delivered safely to me (no pressure there to the carrier), which is separate from the miracle of implantation and viable pregnancy. And if miracles are being handed out on that day ... can i just have the miracle of spontaneous, natural conception (plus a normal pregnancy and a healthy happy baby who becomes a healthy happy adult and natural asset to humanity)?

So my dear God, my heart is ever in Your hands and i ask You as the source of mercy and miracles to please give us a miracle. Please give us a great miracle. Please, please, please give us a miracle. Please give us the miracle of our own biological baby (who is great in his/her love of You and us/memememe).

Please. Oh God, please.

Your faithful-but-sometimes-absent-minded-and-imperfect-but-steadfast(or she tries to be),

Fertile Soul

Another Day on the Rollercoaster

Step right up to the next adventure in the ivf world. Today, we begin with the following conversation (in a previous life i was a playwright) from a woman in the Embryology lab, who was returning my call from last Friday:

Lab: You said you had questions about the tese.
Me: Yes, i was wondering ... if my husband is going to be at a different location when the tese takes place, how does the sperm actually get to the fertility clinic?
Lab: We give you some petri dishes. We recommend that you pick them up the night before. Then you will have to bring them the day of the tese.
Me: Right. How does that work, when i'm going to be under on that day and technically, i will be at the lab with you and not him?
Lab: Oh. Is this a fresh tese?
Me: Yes.
Lab: In that case, whoever takes your husband to the hospital will have to bring the tissue in the petri dishes to our lab on the day of the aspiration.

Ok, show of hands ... how many of you are picturing the Amusement Park episode of the Brady Bunch, where the kids run around the park to find and deliver the architectural plans for their father? C'mon! They're going to give me, moi, petri dishes to entrust to my friend or relative to have the wherewithal to be alert at 7 am in the morning to deliver LIVE HUMAN TISSUE of my good husband's in time for the aspiration at the hard to find fertility clinic? Jeez Laweez, you gotta be kidding.

There's no one i feel so comfortable with to do that. My mom and dad dont even know we're doing ivf. His mom and dad passed away. Sooooo, back to the sis? Oh,and i just found out that we might actually be aspirating while she's still on vacation. So, sis is not an option. Who then? You think Jan and Marcia are up for hire? They did some good running.

After crying all morning, i called to see if dh's good doctor will even be around for the tese. As you know, he's the president of some urologocial association and he just came back from Brazil. So he's BUSY. He might be traveling in August, due to his other commitments. But the nurse will give him the message. Oh, thanks.

More crying ensued.

And, i ate a huge monstrous feta cheese salad, with a big bowl of ice cream for dessert, when I WASNT EVEN HUNGRY at 9pm, RIGHT BEFORE BED.

Move over Hurly, here comes the big fat fatty. I probably wont even fit on the aspirating table.

Scene of the Crime

I had an appt for day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound at 7:45 am. Actually, i dont mind the early morning. I prefer it. Freakish, i know. I'm like the anti-vampire. I guess that means i human, huh? Get it ... anti-vampire?

Ay yay yay. i know, my humor's off. So what's new? I went in to the fertility clinic with the same bright, excited, eager attitude that i always had before, but then it slowly started to hit me. The last time i was there was the day we were told to go home without retrieval, the day ivf1 was cancelled. Slowly, i didnt feel so eager anymore. I felt shell-shocked. The scene of the crime. The nurse is talking to me and it's like she's speaking through walls, i cant hear her, i'm dazed. I'm Liz, your ultrasound nurse, dont you remember me, Liz? I was here just a few months ago?--i think to myself, but she does not respond. She does not read minds. ...undress from the waist down, you can keep your skirt on, the bathroom is occupied, oh, but it's empty now, you can go in. I know what she's saying, but i'm too slow to respond. I nod mutely ... not the usual chipper self at all.

Here we go again. I hope this one is a success. I want my chipper self back. I was dazed and confused, caught in a time warp, trapped at the scene of the crime.

Later, I waited all day for the nurse to call with "instructions." She says i can start bcp sunday ... SUNDAY?! What's that about? I thought today. I called her back and left 2 messages like the frantic dork that i am. "Um, hello, Jessica, I got your message, and i was wondering, did you say Sunday? Cuz i thought tonight. Also, how were my prolactin levels? And you wanted me to consult with the good doctor? When? Um, please call me back, k?" A few minutes later ... "Jessica, hi, it's me again, when you get this message please dont hang up. Um, but, is it ok that the consult with the good doctor is for july 20? And, i was wondering about the bcp, so call me back..."

I waited all day for her to call me back (she calls back after lunch, but it felt like ALL DAY):

Me: hello
Nurse: this is the good doctor's nurse
Me: (OH MY GOD, THANK GOD YOU CALLED ME BACK) Yeah, hi.
Nurse: I got your message. You can take bcp today or sunday. It doesnt really matter.
Me: Ok, wont it delay matters if i take it sunday?
Nurse: I suppose, only by a day.
Me: ok, good, I'm takin them today.
Nurse: That's fine.
Me: Will it upset any scheduling of retrieval? Will it matter?
Nurse: You can always start a new pack of bcp if we need a few extra days to coordinate all the schedules.
Me: Ok, great. And what about the prolactin?
Nurse: For some reason, we ordered a progesterone test. No prolactin level was taken.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: You can have it done when you come in for the consult.
Me: No problem
Nurse: Any other questions.
Me: Um, (thank you, thankyouthankyouthankyou for calling me back. I'm so relieved i could cry.) Well, (i love you) No, i think that's it (but what's your home address so i can send you a big thank you gift and what do you like?).
Nurse: Alrightee, then

So this was the first day of ivf2. I'm emotionally batty and i havent even started the drugs yet.

Let the good times roll.

IVF 2: Perchance to Dream

Someone, please slap me with a wet noodle already. Would you believe that i actually ACTUALLY had a smidge of hope that i would not have to do ivf2. Yes, well, with 2 weeks of food cravings and sensitive boobs and an unbelieveable sharp pain in my abdomen two weeks ago, that lasted an hour, i thought that, well, AF wont come. I'm really too embarrassed (read ashamed and humiliated) to come out and say that i hoped i'd be pregnant.

And now i feel so stupid. And low. And despirted. And weepy. And especially stupid ... because AF ALWAYS COMES. You'd think i would know not to get any hopes up. You'd think i know!

I just want to have a baby. That's all. I just really want it. And, well, i've been praying for it. And, we've been taking our vitamins and doing acupuncutre. And well, i just thought that maybe something would work. Yeah, so, it's natural to think maybe something different happened, especially when i had this weird sharp cramping. And i'd rather think it's something good since my doctor second guessed my first thought, appendicitis.

Anyway, so, AF came today. Just as i predicted... July 5ish. Couldn't have nailed it better, i'd say. And this time, i even thought i miscalculated (prayed, hoped, pleaded, cried). But no. It's here. And so we usher in a new cycle. I have to go for an ultrasound before bcp. I'll call tomorrow for an appt.

In the meantime, my sister called me today to say:

Sis: I found out what i'm having.
Me: (still dazed and confused and crying about AF and stunned that Sis wants to know the gender of her baby) you did?
Sis: Yeah, you wanna know what it is?
Me: (Oh God, can this day become any more miserable?) Yeah, if you know, i want to know.
Sis: Well, you dont have to know.
Me: (huh? you prolonging this agony for some particular purpose? just get it frickin over with) How would that fly? If everyone around me knows and i dont?
Sis: Yeah, you're right. It's a boy.
Me: That's great (God bless him)
Sis: yeah, i knew it, cuz i had a dream

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ever wish for a sudden case of narcolepsy? To sleep, perchance to dream?

I wish i could be dreaming now, man o man.