You Know How BCP Works?

I betchya didnt know the truth behind bcp and its so called "method" of controlling birth. Ha! ... Sex control is more like. I mean, who's really in the mood for sex when they're bloated, fat, 10 pounds heavier, fat, moody, emotional, teary eyed with sore breasts, headaches, stomach aches, and no appetite for food or sex? I look and feel pregnant without the benefit of actually being pregnant. And that, my dear internetties, my friends in fertile frolics, is the real turn off.

I went to my primary care physician to see if it's the flu. She said it's unlikely for the flu to linger around for so long without making itself more known through nausea and/or fever (which i dont have). So, it's more likely to be the side effects of dostinex (not bcp). And, for everyone out there taking this tiny pill to lower prolactin levels, DO NOT TAKE IT WITH SUDAF.ED OR THE.RA FLU!!! It's not very clear on the box, but these two do NOT mix. What you can take is exced.rin, aspirin, ibuprofin, pept.o bism.al, and pepcid.

Last night i woke up at 4 am and had me a can of 7u.p to settle my stomach. I never drink soda. This can has been sitting in my garage since last summer. But now i feel like i need a can of soda to make it through every meal.

Well, i'm just glad and relieved to know, actually, that this is just side-effects and not the flu. I want to continue with my ivf schedule, without having to take a break for flu. And i dont have to take the dostinex for that long. I think just until pregnancy or something. And, i accidentally doubled up on the dosage the other day. I'm supposed to take it twice a week. I took it twice in two days. Aye yay yay.

Anyway, Lupron starts on Monday, April 3--i think. That's my 21st day of bcp. So i think that's the day, but i'm supposed to call the RE first that day. In the meantime, i will be sucking on pep.cid.

And i wanted to thank everyone who stopped by to wish me well during my moment of "weakness." Did i mention that one of the side-effects of dostinex is emotionality? So, like, everything i ever felt bad about in the past but had it tightly, snugly swept on the carpet is suddenly surfacing in waves of emotionality. Not quite sad, not quite mad, not quite down, just weird and out of sorts.

So thank you for your support :)

Cheers

I'm suffering today from a decidedly lack of friendship. The few friends i did tell about our ivf dont really call and ask about me. If they do, they're just calling for an update, basically, i feel like they're calling for an update to the countdown to know when it's appropriate to ask if your pg or not. But there's really no one around who can appreciate the emotional ramifications and toll this takes.

And, my parents know nothing about this. As far as they know, we're still infertile, and i'd rather keep it that way. There's never been any support from that quarter. So i'm not even going to bother.

The RE called me yesterday. She's such a sweetheart. But i should have known that something was up, else why is she callin? I'm still on bcp for another 10 days or so.

Well, without going into great detail, she called to review our options in case egg and sperm do not care to meet, and apparently, there's some chance of that happening. As in, they never cared to meet in the privacy of our bedouir, suddenly they're going to care about it with an audience about under the blaring lights of a petri dish?

Ok, that's not how she put it, but she called to remind us of our options (donors being one) and suddenly it feels like someone just punched me in the stomach and threw cold water on me at the same time. It's not her fault (AT ALL). But when we were first informed that there's a chance of ivf, we were under the impression that we had a good chance of having our own genes to work with. Now suddenly the picture isnt so rosey.

And i have no one to talk to about this. I feel so sad. I mean, well, it's a small chance that my cute egg wont like the sudden introduction of dh's awesome sperm. My cute egg will probably want a little romance, sweet talkin, and some cuddlin. But there really is that chance that our cells wont meet. What then? And isnt that sad? I want to cry.

Well, on a grand level, i can see that this will leave us no worse off than where we started (although i will be drugged up and down and all around). But in the long run, we started with no kids and might end up with no kids. No "real" loss. But, i cant be so mathematical about it. Yes we started with no kids, but things changed. Now we think about it and hope for it. And if we dont get it, it's a new loss for us. We cant just go back to the previous mourning and think, well, good thing i already mourned this cuz now this aint gonna hurt so much! Dummy.

And today, it kinda hurts, especially when there's no one around to comfort you and help you feel it's going to be all right. Even my favorite go-to comfort (brownies) cant help me today. Suddenly, now that i'm on bcp, brownies sound so disgusting to me. Yeah, i know. I can hardly believe it. I even baked some today. I have no desire to taste them. More on that later.

I just wanted to say, i'm having one those days.

On that note, i shall leave with this song and proof that i am a true product of the 80's. In lieu of an actual mp3 (which i dont know how to attach) here are the lyrics.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Theme Song to Cheers

Injection Instruction

So i took the day off and i really needed it. The stomach ache got worse in the night, and i was really tired. To top things off, I havent had a cup of coffee since Sunday, and i havent gone without my morning coffee ritual since high school. You'd think i was pregnant or something. I'm really beginning to think that these are the effects of bcp. My body no likey.

Anyway, I did manage to get up and go to injection instruction class, albeit late. But they were okay about it. Dh and i both went. As dh tried his hand at mastering the technique of progesterone injections, he only stuck himself once, hehe. I know, i laugh now, but just wait until i'm on the receiving end of that needle. We'll see who's laughing (or crying).

In another 13 days (i think) i'm supposed to start lupron. The 21st day of bcp. I started on March 14. So, 21 plus 14 days puts me at ... oh ... hold up while i try some mental gymnastics and type at the same time ... ok, it turns out i cant. But according to the computer calendar it says April 4. Yippee! Then take that for one week. Then we start something else. See, i already forgot. That, and i still have a headache from yesterday that comes and goes.

But it's all good in the hood. They gave us a couple of dvds and a lot of instructions, in case we forget anything when the actual time to start injection rolls around in another 2 weeks. There's also a website and hotline for extra extra help, which we'll probably have on speed dial when the time comes.

We also finally handed in all of our consent forms. It turns out that it's just easier to sign in front of the nurse, than trying to find a notary instead. And i'd like to offer a little caveat emptor for those who need to sign those forms and havent read them yet ... um, like, they ask some serious soul searching questions. For instance, did you know that in the event of multiple pregnancies you have the option of terminating one or some? Did you know that? I didnt. Nor did i really want to contemplate it. But they do. So do you want to terminate any? Huh, huh, huh??? Oh, but it doesnt stop there. Then they ask in the event that you create viable embryoes, do you wanna freeze all the unused ones? And if one of you becomes incapacitated, what happens to the embryoes? And if you both become incapacitated, what happens? And, if you both divorce, who gets them? huh, huh, huh??? Answer me, or there's NO IVF FOR YOU!

Goodness, so, my word of forewarning is that those forms are not for the faint hearted. On the last questions, dh was like, "huh? what's this question? this isnt a question. i'm not answering this. The answer is no." Hehe. I said, "honey, i'm not asking for a divorce here, they just want to know who gets the goods in the off chance there is one. Me, you, or the garbage can? They just want some initials by any one of these boxes." After a short silence he says "you."

I lub him.

Saline Wash

I'm still feeling kinda icky. Upset stomach, can't eat anything, really (but i am cuz i'm a food-aholic). My foodaholicism is not jiving with my stomach very much. Today i woke up really tired. But i had to come to work, i had to! First, it's not THAT bad, right? You know, just as soon as you decide to stay home you start to feel so much better, all symptoms suddenly disappear, which leaves you only with the guilt of having taken a day off for no good reason. Besides, i dont know how i will react to all the other meds and i really want to preserve what little time off i have for emergency circumstances like that. Right now i'm just on bcp and destenex (sp?).

Besides that, my saline ultrasound was today and it's by my work, so i HAD to go to work for the doctor's appt. I decided that dh didnt need to accompany me to this appt as it's very far from his work (aka home) and that, well, it's just an ultrasound. Had one last week, no biggee.

But as i arrive, i begin to realize, wait a minute, this is, like, an ultrasound to see if there are any lumps or bumps in the uterus that might interfere with baby making or growing. And what if the doctor had to tell me some horrible news, like we need to delay ivf because there are some lumps and bumps that will need to be removed first. Wait, why didnt i bring dh?!?!!? OMG. I cant find out something like this by my lonesome self. How could i put myself in this situation? What was i thinking? If i only i asked him to come. I just didnt want to waste his time, ya'know?

Emotional meltdown and crisis averted by the delivery of the doctor's news ... everything's ok, and we can move forward to the next step: Injection Instruction. That's tomorrow. And, yes, you bet dh is coming to that one.

As for the actual procedure, the saline wash, well, i was a little surprised by it. A catheter goes in (which is really a horrible word for a plastic tube) so that they can inject this saline wash (feels like a gallon, but it's more like 20 ml) and THEN they reinsert you with that ultrasound-dildo-cam-amabob and THAT's when things get little tight. As in, what the F#*&"*&#*%!* is going on in there, and NO PUN INTENDED! Jeez Louis. And right as i'm thinking that, the doctor floods my uterus with the saline water and suddenly i feel all crampy and pms-y. So that's why i feel so bloated, crampy, and heavy right before my period. Right before the uterine lining sheds, it gets a little tight inside there, apparently. Or so i'm guessing. I really dont know.

Anyway, so that was that. I was feeling a lot better, grabbed me a tomato/mozarella salad (mmmmmmmmmm, gewd) and went back to work, where i subsequently wolfed it down and gave myself another monumental stomach ache, to match the headache already booming in my head. The headache is either caffeine withdrawal (hadnt had my usual cup a joe since this faux flu started) or it's bcp or destonex. It cant be the last two, right? I mean, i've been taking those for a good 5 days before these symptoms started.

Ok, back to work. I want to go home. I should take the day off tomorrow just because this is too much. But i have that injection instruction class, right by work. Should i reschedule that? When do injections start anyway? I just started the second week of bcp.

I need a nap.

Oh My Stomach

It all started with a ripping headache this weekend, which i dealt with via Ex.cedrin Mig.raine (hope that's ok to take, but the headache was BAD). Those symptoms disappeared and now I am suffering from a sour stomach. I cant pinpoint the source with any certainty. I know for sure what's it not ... it's not a pregnancy, haha. But, oh man, i feel so flu-ish. It's either the birth control, the dostinex, the ex.cedrin, gluten sensitivity that i've been insensitive to, orrrrr the indian food i had this weekend. Or it could be the change of season flu. But man it was terrible today. Not nauseousness but a disgusting sour stomach, queasy feeling that stayed with me all day. I went to work because i dont have any sick days to spare. I'm trying to save the sick days for the upcoming egg extraction and implantation and any other emergencies. Cant afford to spend it on slight queasiness.

For now, i dont want to eat another thing FOR A WEEK.

In the meantime, i have my saline ultrasound coming up this wednesday, and then on thursday me and dh are going to have injection instruction, to which dh quips he doesnt need any "instruction," har har.

What else, what else? Hmmm. I have a tummy ache and food sounds disgusting to me, but i still eat it!

Our 1 year old frig broke down for the third time, probably in support of my sour stomach. But it's awfully irritating to lose another frig load of food for no good reason! And it's a freakin Ken.more in case y'all are in the market for a new frig. Dont get that one.

Ok, now i shall run and do a load of laundry. I've made some progress with my plans to get my house organized. I'm more than halfway done with the laundry. Most of the rooms are picked up and clean. I just need to fold the clothes and put them away.

And then to bed with my upset stomach. Any suggestions to calm the upset that does not contain the words "alk.a selt.zer" or "baking soda"--or else we shall see the contents of my stomach all over the kitchen sink.

Baseline

So i went in for the baseline workup. Is that what it's called? It's the ultrasound and bloodwork you need on days 1-3 of your cycle. Got that done and I'm feeling pretty excited. Why? Why do i feel excited despite having a dildo cam probing my insides? Oh, and can we say GROSS!!!

But i'm glad that's done, it just means that i could now move onto the next phase ... starting birth control, sigh. You know, i've never taken the stuff? Yup, yup, yup. I believed in more natural alternatives. And, well, apparently i never needed the stuff anyway. So, yay for intincts gone right! But now, here i am, taking it. Gulp. I guess, i'd like to observe a moment of mourning for losing the battle to succeed the natural way .... I tried ;(

But now i'm here and it's ok. You know why? Because the body is amazingly resilient. It can take a beating and with proper care it can be restored. Toxins can be expelled. The only difference now is that usually we're unaware of the toxins we're accumulating in our bodies. But this time i'm aware. Sigh, Ignorance is bliss.

But onwards and upwards, i say. This rollercoaster ride is incrementally clinking its way up. My next appointment is March 22 for a saline ultrasound. What the heck is that? I mean, i know what saline is, but what's it supposed to do to my insides and what's it supposed to show? Also, i'm still trying to finish this mountain of consent forms. We signed them alright, but did you know they HAVE TO BE NOTARIZED?! grrrrrrrrrrrr.

And now, i must call my insurance company. It seems like they have some drugs they need to send to me.

Clink ... clink ... clink

Seeing Red

AF arrived Saturday night. Well, technically, it was 4 am in the morning, so i should say it arrived today, March 12. Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Here's the thing. For a moment there, i prayed, i mean REALLY PRAYED that i could be and get pregnant without ivf. If not for infertility, it's like such a shame to turn my body into a science project, with unknown and untold consequences to come. You know? I mean, things are ok now, if not for infertility. Physically, it's all right. Mentally, it's all right. And even emotionally, it's all right. In fact, it's all good. So why step into this quagmire, why risk it?

And so sometimes i think, well, if I’m going to get pregnant anyway, why cant I just pray to God to bypass the ivf portion and give me a pregnancy straightaway? Doesnt that seem simpler, easier, better?? Doesnt that make sense? And then when i see red, i think that if God didn’t answer my prayer, well, maybe what that really means is that there's going to be no baby at the end of ivf either. So maybe I shouldn’t bother trying and I should just accept a childless fate. Right? If i prayed for it and didnt get it, why will ivf change that? Ok, on some level (i wont torture you by taking you there) this makes SO MUCH SENSE to me. But doesnt it though?

But i see also, that i'm WAY overthinking this. I have a tendency to do that. It's kinda what gets me into trouble. Yes, it might seem simpler to travel the shortest distance between two points, but sometimes the shortest distance is a matter of perspective ... as we all recall from nonEuclidean geometry, right? For instance, the shortest distance between two points on a piece of paper is straight line, but the shortest distance between two places on the planet is actually a curved line. (See how much fun math is!)

Anyhoo, back to my point. There's one quote from one of my favorite movies (Rudy) where the main character prays and prays and prays to get into Notre Dame but keeps getting rejected. He speaks to the priest after one of his praying sessions and asks about his unanswered prayers, to which the priest says something like "You make your prayers in your time, and God will answer them in His time." Awesome, huh? Go rent it, you'll love it. And, interestingly enough, if Rudy had been accepted into Notre Dame from day one, there never would have been a movie called Rudy. The story was all about achieving his dream of playing on the Notre Dame football team. If he got on the team from the beginning, then there never would have been an inspirational story to tell.

Yeah, see, i'm telling ya, i'm a romantic at heart. I'm still trying to work out the romantic angle of ivf, though. That's a tad tough.

Especially on days when you see red.

Why, Why, Why America?!

What happened America???!? I feel so betrayed, i could cry. Why did y'all vote Ayla off? That was wrong, i say, wrong! She was good, real good. She deserved a chance. But then she stood there and cried, man, how sad. America, have you no heart!

Well, at least Ryan handled those tears so well, and the audience and judges. Then she had to sing her song, and started off off-key. PAINFUL. But then she finished on a really good note, so good for her. She really is a winner, despite what America thinks, so there.

Oh, and can i just say, thank GOD Kinnick is gone. Girl, she was too much. Ever notice how the smile never quite touched the eyes? I cant stand those types. And she tried too hard to be like the younger crowd or, as she called them, "the babies." Real adult of ya. I didnt like that at all. And, she didnt have the chops like some of others, so it was a good decision America.

But then again, how could you do that to Gideon?! He was so gracious in his defeat. And he really has an awesome voice. And yesterday's rendition of his song gave me the chills, it was that good.

But, with him, i'm comforted by the secret knowledge that he'll be back. He's only 17 and an amazing powerhouse singer. No way we wont be seeing him again. I mean, if j lo can get a contract (whose talent is an astounding ability to sing through her nose), then he's a shoe-in (cause he actually can sing).

But still it was sad. That's it, from now on, i'm going to actually start voting on that show. Let the voice of sanity be heard!

And, on another sad note, i watched "Proof" with Gwenyth Paltrow. Awwww, that movie made me cry. Why? PMS you say? Nooooooo, it's because i think i missed my calling as a ... sniff, sniff, a mathematician. Yes, well, mathematics is SO INTERESTING, especially when you prove something with it. Then it's really good. As good as chocolate. Yeah, that's right. CHOCOLATE. That good. And i wish i had the time and money and time to study it. I wish i were independently wealthy so that i could live at MIT for a spell. Sigh.

Any mathematicians among my fertility seeking friends? Is it really as romantic as i think?

Of course not. Is reality every romantic? The problem is, i'm such a romantic at heart. I could probably make ivf sound like the most romantic form of conception.

Ooooh baby, there's an idea. Mmmmm ... ivf.

Drumming My Fingers

Well, i'm still here, waiting for af to arrive around March 10-11. It's been pretty regular but i do have those times where it's 5 or 6 or two weeks late. And it's been kind of a stressful month (in a good way!), so i dont know if af will get thrown off.

In the meantime, I've been taking my prenatal vitamins (Wahoo! Never got to do that before). And, let's see what else ... decided to read through the packet of information they gave us two weeks ago at our first visit ;) ... well, they gave us this packet, and i thought, pshht, i dont need this, just gimme the injections already, let's get the ball rolling.

Hehehe, didnt realize that the packet contained a ton, A TON, of forms dh and i have to read and sign before our first day of treatment OR THEY WILL NOT ALLOW US TO GO FORWARD. yikes!

So, i got to do that asap. Me and dh. I dont know what the forms say yet, so i'll report back about them if i find anything interesting.

Oh, and we're signing up for a little acupuncture ... dont know why that never occurred to us before. But dh is especially psyched about it.

Also, i decided to clean up around here. Actually, what i want to do is get the house in order because i dont want to have to do too much house work when we start ivf. And, i dont want to live in a mess for that time. And, i'm not sure what will happen with ivf, so if it goes south, i might not be in any mood to clean up for a while. And being in the dumps and living in a dump is not a good combo.

So far, i've cleaned up the family room, kitchen, and living/dining room. Now, i just want to have my laundry organized, and i should be good. It's the laundry that sometimes overwhelms. It's not my favorite chore ... and there's TOO MUCH!

I also want to continue with yoga for the next month of birth control pills, then i'm going to freeze my membership for a while. But until then, i really want to take advantage of it ... i just get so lazy about it sometimes. I LOVE IT. But i go during lunch and between getting there and the class, it runs to an hour and half. And it ends up being such an interruptions in my work day. My lunch is only 45 minutes, so if anyone notices how long i'm gone, it might create a leeettle awkward situation for me :D. There is a 7am class, but i would have to catch the 5:50 am train to make it, which means i would have to be up at 4:30am at the latest ... which i'm trying!

Ok, well, that's the plan for the next month or so, cleaning up and getting physically ready. No news on the adoption front. Apparently, many other people have come forward with similar backgrounds to the baby. The agency is going to first search through all the agencies in the area to make sure that there isnt a qualified couple that's already licensed and waiting. I've been told the agency has 6 weeks to find permanent placement for the baby. But, i think my chances with ivf are much much higher.

Having said that, i dont even know what my chances are with ivf. Hehehe, i guess i forgot to ask. The chances really dont matter so much, so long as there is "a" chance, i'm in. But, the doctor said that the chances of an actual baby being born from a fertilized egg is 25%. Wait ... actually, i think she did say something about higher chances considering that more than one embryo is transferred, i just cant remember. Maybe i should read that brochure, but i have this problem of getting overwhelmed by information overload. Ignorance is bliss.

All i want is a chance, and i leave the rest to God.