A Glutton for Gluten

For lunch today, we went to Macy's and had a monstersize chocolate cupcake (which comes with a mountain of chocolate frosting), cheese ravioli, mac & cheese, and garlic mashed potatoes (dont stand too close to me). What brought on this gluttony in spite of my low tolerance for gluten? Well, we are depressed. Yes, yes, it's for real. I once said "we" recently to a friend when she asked "how's the novel", i said "we have moved onto other projects." She stopped mid conversation to say "who is we?" Well, silly, it's me, myself and i. So, y'all, all three of us are in the dumps.

So, what induced this royal slip into the abyss? Well, dont you know? I cant have kids. Ha ha. Funny, aint it. So funny. And then, this upcoming weekend, the wonderful, thoughtful Fertile Soul decided to host her sister's baby* shower ... in her very own house ... and bake the cake too. I know, i'm just ridiculous. But, in all fairness to the dear sis, i am the only sister ... well, the only adult sister. And, what was i to do? Just not let her have one? And she doesnt live near me anymore but all her friends do. So, either i do it, or there's nothing, right? I just couldnt not do it. I just couldnt. And, i was feeling up to it when i said i would. Seriously. I thought i would be okay.

But, now, suddenly, i get a bill in the mail from my last ivf of THREE MONTHS AGO and i cant stop balling. Trick or Treat! Here's a bill for $1500 because your insurance company DENIED coverage.

I guess, i've been feeling financially stressed. The house gets messy easily (ie the boudoir) because we need some new furniture. Our bedroom dressers were left over from dh's childhood. Yeah, do you know how old that is? Let's just say that this furniture is from the 60s. I need new furniture because i need enough space to fit everything. ok? So i cant throw anything out and i'd rather buy more furniture than throw stuff out, so?! You wanna make something of it??--this is the inner dialogue we struggle with. It's not easy being me. Just buy some new furniture already and be happy! No, we must have this internal debate that lasts a decade and another decade to decide the perfect "set" to buy ... speaking of which, i saw this awesome leather/cherrywood sleigh bed ....mmmmmmmm, nice. Could i get a king size bed, while i'm at it? Yeah, i'm probably the last person on earth who still sleeps on a queen. What was i thinking? I'll tell you. When i got married i was very much a hippy dippy girl and decided the floor would be fine. Yes, the Fertile Soul is such a simple girl at heart. So, she slept on the floor for the first 4 years, when she finally decided a bed was in order. So a queen bed was a HUGE improvement over the floor.

In defense of the q-bed, i think i will miss it if i ever graduate to a king. Sometimes i think i want a king just so i can rollover without asking dh to move over in the process. But then, i'll miss all the cuddling. Does anyone cuddle anymore on a king? I'd be too lazy to scoot over. Once my head hits the pillow, that's it, i'm not moving.

In other news, what's up with Ryan and Reese! I havent been this sad since Jessica and Nick. Actually, i'm mad. Work it out people! Work it out. Did you hear that married people are in the minority? I'm thrilled to be a part of that minority. People should marry, i say.

Ok, Dancing With the Stars is on, which I AM NOT WATCHING, but what the heck are these women wearing??? And then they have these dance moves where the women time their kicks at exactly the same moment that the camera flashes them, so you basically have a re-enactment of Sharon Stone in Basic Instincts except with underwear (only i wouldnt know since i've never actually seen that movie, thank God). Women, why must you debase yourselves and get sucked into doing soft porn on prime time? Like, i'm definitely not watching this stuff with my dh, cuz the only Basic Instincts he needs to see are mine. ... But then , i guess, that explains why marriage is on the decline. What's so special about it, when all the salacious parts are on prime time free for all?

Anyway, i'm off to go see a movie because it's been a while and i'm in a craptastic mood and i cant stand to stay home and watch garbage.

Also, how come only 3 people came to my house for trick or treating when there's about 5 kids in every house on our block? I think i live on the most fertile block on the planet....hence, my escape to the dark room of a theater and into the life of someone else.

*Update: I initially typed bridal shower, but that was so last year. It's now time for the baby shower. I detect a freudian slip in there somewhere, but i cant figure it out.

The Hershey Kiss

I eat Hershey's kisses everyday with my tea or coffee. It's my chocolate compromise. Not too fatty and melts in your mouth with a nice hot cup of mint tea or dunkin donuts coffee. Today i learned a little more about the man behind the morsel. And he was not a capitalist corporate tycoon, as one--namely myself--might stereotypically think.

He was, in fact, a man born in the mid 19th century who took up candy making, opened a candy store and failed...yes, utterly failed after six years. He was at the time only 24. He continued to seek candy making business and ventures through the years until learning the value of fresh milk when combined with carmel. By the turn of the century, he'd become so successful, he sold his candy making carmel company for $1 million. He also fell in love with a woman fifteen years his junior (not unlike the age difference between yours truly and dh). So, at 40 and 25, they married; and he was said to be as devoted to his lovely wife as he was to his chocolates, which he continued to make despite the sale of the carmel company. He went on to build a large chocolate manufacturing company and village and bank and department store and park and zoo and churches and golf courses--a whole community, literally.

Him and his wife were also said to have been deeply saddened by their infertility that they quietly built a school for orphaned boys, for which they devoted much of their energy. It wasn't until the wife's death did it become widely known that they had donated their fortune to a trust that runs that school.

Today, the Milton Hershey School sits on 10,000 acres, owns 31.4% of Hershey Foods, controls 76% of the corporation's voting shares, owns 100% of Hershey Entertainment and Resort, and is home to 1100 boys and girls.

Now, that's a legacy. You can have failures in your life. You can suffer infertility--be childless and completely cutoff from progeny--and still be one of the most widely recognized names on the planet and a great philanthropic humanitarian well after you're gone.

A Little Down, A Little Out

So the past few weeks, i wake up every single day with sore bloated breasts. They're unavoidable. It's the first thought i have, "oh my God, where did these come from?" This state of bloat lasted for two weeks. Two whole weeks of waking up and wondering what all the bloat was about.

And then yesterday, i get it. Sigh. It's okay. It's just ... i dunno ... add to that a good dosage of pms and you've got a slippery slide down.

Anyway, that's where i've been. Picking myself back up. yadda yadda yadda. What's new. Same old lovely cycle. This time i got suckered because my body raised the question everyday over 2 prolonged weeks. I'll know better next time. I'll know better. I think. I hope.

Miscellaneous Thoughts and What-nots

In today's game of tag, i've been asked to give my initial reaction to four words chosen by Baby Blue, my tagger. So here goes.

Dive: swim, backyard pool, feeling of release, fun, summer
Blue: favorite color, my first car, love it, the sky, what more can I say
Apple: not my favorite fruit. Havent had one in ages, although the green ones are very tasty. But dh loves the caramelled ones
Hot: chocolate. Is there anything else?

On the subject of chocolate, me likes it. A lot. I'm the mikey of chocolate. I'll eat anything. I'm like the chocolate monster. In recent chocolate news, i made a chocolate chip banana cake. I didnt take any pictures because it didnt turn out as pretty as i thought(I can only have pretty food on my blog, I have standards!), but it was d-lish.

On the subject of food and blog, i'm thinking of starting a food blog. Just something where i photograph my latest creations and/or flops. It's in the works. My people will call your people. But first, i've got to get around to visiting the good ole kitchen a little more often, clear some cobwebs and left over dishes, kill a few hundred fruit fries.

On the subject of pesty fruit flies, i've become a fruit fly killer. And i'm proud of it. Sorry, when you live with those pests for a weeks on end with narry a banana in sight, terminating becomes your sole mission. In my research and training to become the fruit fly commando, i discovered the perfect weapon ... rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle. It momentary disables them while you swoop in for the squish. I am down to my last fruit fly, i think.

On the subject of ... well ... what else ... let's see here ... oh, yeah, i've been a little distracted at work. Dont know where that's coming from here. Feeling a little slow and out of it.

On the subject of fertility and babymaking, i am still feeling very confident that this is not something i want to do in the near future. I have just been let off this rollercoaster ride of hormonal mania, and i want to enjoy a nice walk in the park before i ever get back on it. Said walk may take a few years, like an aboriginal walkabout in the wildnerness. So, no kids for me in the near future. I'm serious this time. I'm fine without them, thank God, finally.

On the subject of creative pursuits, i finished a screenplay about, among other things, a woman's journey through ivf. It's a story that took a lifetime to create but a short time to write. I am currently trying my hand at querying hollywood all the way from the other side of the mississippi. I wonder if my query hook can reach so far without me actually moving off my coach. I dont want to get any additional exercise when i can avoid it. Anyway, i'm starting a new blog about writing and selling. If you're interested in following that adventure, email me.

Oh, one more thing, guess who's hosting my sister's baby shower? Yup, that would be yours truly. But, i'm okay with that. It's upcoming though, the first week of november. I plan on baking a cake. So, hopefully, i will be posting about my cake planning and progress soon. But first, we must clean up the mess around here. I cant have people over like this!

Off the Emotional Rollercoaster

I spent the evening with two REALLY PREGNANT women today, my sister (due in Dec) and sil (due October). THE.WHOLE.ENTIRE.EVENING. And i was totally ok. Very different from the past, where i would avoid such scenes or at least limit the contact. In the past, it's like i would have a chemical reaction, a biochemical reaction, a meltdown i couldnt avoid or control to anything babywise. So, that's why i would avoid the baby scene as much as possible. But even unavoidable baby scenes, like pregnant women on the street, had the power to make me feel bad. Again, beyond my control, like a chemical reaction. Once it starts, there's no stopping it. There's only suffering through it, riding out the reaction.

But today, it was different. No chemical reaction, no threat of biochemical emotional meltdown. I feel settled. Confident that i am who i am, and that's not defined by children. Children dont make me nor do i need any to complete me. I understand that now. More than that, i feel the truth of it in my soul. And, it's an amazing truth to finally "know." It's almost as if this suffering, all this infertile suffering, has paid off. I gained a truth i could never feel before, a freedom i never had before. I am free of random emotional meltdowns beyond my control. And that is priceless. To be able to spend time with a pregnant woman and be totally unphased? To touch my sister's stomach by the force of her hand dragging me to her belly and to feel my nephew and feel nothing but compassion for him? No thoughts about me and what i dont have. I dont care about that anymore. I'm no longer bound by the trauma of what i dont have.

I am finally off the emotional rollercoaster, something i have wanted for the longest time. Peace of heart. No more being jerked up and down and back and forth by random unpredictable events. I know where the control buttons are, and this journey has been worth that discovery. A gem of knowledge that gives me a greater comfort than i ever imagined possible. A level of peace i never knew.

Sinking Feeling

So, you know, i said i was feeling better, right? Well, nothing's changed in that department and it's kind of a little freaky. Really. I waited umpteen years to finally get off the baby wagon and end the baby chase. I mean, umpteen years of monthly unwanted returns of the crimson tide gets a little wearing on the soul, even on the fertile soul. After about the 100th month of disappointment you cant stop, you just pray for relief, relief from the want and the desire. Relief.

But relief is not something you can will sometimes. Well, i couldnt. And now, suddenly it's here, and it's like, wow, never saw that coming. So much so, these past couple of days i have been having waves of anxiety, waves of a sinking feeling in my chest. Like, something terrible is about to happen. I cant be feeling good without murphy's law to unleash its reverse psychology upon me, right?

Anyway, that's where i'm at. Feeling out of place in this new territory of feeling. It's very bizarre, but i aint ever spent this much time in this particular region. So, i feel like a fish out of water. Maybe that's what all the waves of anxiety are about. It feels weird not to think about ovulating or dread the disappointment of my period or wonder whether those abdomenal pangs were implantation.

I feel like i'm having depression withdrawal. My body is say No, wait, i'm so used to nursing a bad feeling. What am i going to do with all this extra time now?!

That's where having other creative outlets is necessary. I am pursuing them, but it's so hard to be focused on my creativity. I cant put all the emphasis on me. I cant give me all that attention. I'm so unused to all this.

But so it is. Suddenly, i got a lot of alone time with me and i know that aint a bad thing. It's just that i spent a lifetime telling myself it was. Hence, the waves of guilt and anxiety: I shouldnt be doing this. I need to be worrying about something.

Orrrrr, i could be having a heart attack and not know it. That's my other hypothesis.

A Recap of LOST

In case you missed the season premiere of Lost, have no fear, you missed nothin. Case in point, here's a brief example of the ENTIRE EPISODE:

FADE IN:
INT. HOLDING CELL
Jack is climbing the walls of his dank cell, when his captor steps in the room outside his cell.

Jack:

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?"

His Captor is silent but looks at him.
Jack looks at her.
Captor looks at him.
Then Jack looks at her.

FADE OUT: Commercial Break

FADE IN:

Jack:

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Captor looks at him.
Jack looks at her.
Captor looks at him, then turns and leaves the cell.

FADE OUT: Commercial FREAKIN break.

Enough with the suspense already! It's wearing a little thin. I'd like to finally have a question or two answered.

So aggravating.

And, anyone have an @merican E!xpress card and supposedly catch "extra" scenes? I havent seen them, but my bet is if you want to know what was in them, reread the above summary.

But if in the off chance that i am wrong about the special @merican e!xpress scenes (occassionally it has been known to happen) lemme know!

No More Band-Aids

I think i get it now. Infertility is a test. A monstrous test, one that forces you to face all of your demons. I understand my fears now and they no longer control me, compel me to seek solace in children when i can have it without them, when i can seek it within myself, when i can find it in God.

It's always been a goal of mine to have a relationship with God. Being tested with infertility, the one wish i ever wanted fulfilled, forced me to examine myself and my relationships. I found that the reason i wanted children so badly was to complete me especially since i felt so incomplete in my in relationships with my own parents. I now understand that i no longer need those relationships to complete me. I can complete me, and for me it comes through knowing God (or at least attempting to).

Today i picked up this book about healing your emotional self to heal your physical self. The author says "Tubal problems and problems with fertility are centered on a woman's "inner child," while the tubes themselves are representative of unhealed childhood wounds or unused enery. The flow of eggs can be blocked because of a woman's own inner being is not "old" or nurutured enough, or mature or healed enough, to feel fertile."

It's interesting because i always felt that our infertility was related, on some perhaps psychic level, to me. We didnt always suffer from a low sperm count. There was a time when things appeared normal, and yet, no conception ever occurrred. Ever. And, you know, despite how desperately i've always wanted children, i could never really fully bring myself to pray for it with a full heart, except perhaps once. A part of me held back. A part of me waited. A part of me wanted what God had in store for me, knowing on some subconscious level that God's plan was better for me, despite what i consciously wanted.

And so, the change that i spoke of in my last post, continues. I agree with what y'all said about "keeping busy." There are times when that is essential. But in this particular instance if i kept busy and ignored the spiritual lesson of this test, i would have missed the boat on my healing and done another band-aid job of pulling it all together--until the next time, when God would give me another chance to face my childhood traumas, accept them, heal them, and move on. God is so merciful and i am grateful that I finally listened this time. And i can finally move on.

I dont need band-aids anymore. I am beautiful in spite of my scars. And i am beautiful because of them. My scars no longer hurt and i can finally get on to the real purpose of my life on earth (God willing).

I cant wait.