Bummeria

So i'm having the longest and worst PMS in the history of womankind. It started ...well, remember last monday? .... I mean the one before this week's. Yeah, and my period aint due until July 5ish. In the meantime, I'm cranky, irritable, weepy, and starving all the fricken time. AND, to make matters so much worse, i keep wishing AF wont come. I know, i've sunk that low. I was doing much better, but this month and last month, i've been having the longest pms! I think it's one of those untold side effects of ivf. No baby for you, but here's some lingering symptoms to make you wonder about it even more.

On top of all that, i feel really bad. It may have to do with the following conversations i had with my mom and then later with my sis, and the fact that i'm gearing up for another ivf and it's worrying me more than i thought.

As you know, I finally told my mom about IVF 1, which ended, at the end of April. She had no idea that i was even thinking of doing IVF. So i told her about it a few weeks ago. The conversation went smooth, actually, and i was pleased enough on my end that i wasnt emotional (which is natural for anyone doing ivf) because my mom isnt emotionally supportive in the least (which is why i never told her about it).

Anyway, she calls me up a few days later to say:

Mom: I spoke with my friend (a spirit-guru-freak)
Me: ahuh (rolling my eyes)
Mom: Well, she's checked out your energies (spoken with the spirits, i think) and looked into your life and she says that the reason why you cant have kids is because you're not aligned to have kids with your husband.
Me: What? (as in WTF!)
Mom: Yeah, that's what she said. (long pause)
Me: What? I don't understand how this is helpful. What am i supposed to do with this information (Why the hell are you telling me this?)
Mom: Well, she says that each of you can have kids with other partners, just not with each other.
Me: Huh? (WTF?)
Mom: Yeah, that's what she said.
Me: I dont see how this is helpful or why you're telling me this.
Mom: She says you're blocked and you have blocked energies
Me: (Please stop talking) Well, ok, thanks for the call (dont bother calling me again)
Mom: Oh, and she also said that she cleared your blockages. So, you can have kids now.
Me: What? (Why did you wait 5 minutes to tell me this bit?)

See what i mean, NO COMFORT there.

So my sister is going away on vacation, but she'll be back mid August. I need someone to be there for us on the double retrieval/fresh tese day at the end of August. We almost did a fresh tese in ivf 1, but we couldnt arrange it with his doctor, who was away at a conference and we were confident that we didnt need one in the end. Anyway, when i tried to arrange the fresh tese on ivf 1, you need to also arrange for rides, one for you and one for him. See, he's going under and so are you. And, you're not even in the same hospital/clinic. So, you need 2 rides. At the last one, i had made an arrangement with my SIL to do it, dh's sister. She agreed, but then the days got screwed up. So when the time neared and i called to double check with her, she thought that we had done the procedure the week before and that she had made other plans already (and that she meant to ask us how it went, even though i called 5 days after the date she expected to be on call).

Anyway, i was pretty upset with her inability to be there for us and basic lack of care. She said that she had an ob/gyn appt. Hmmm, .... cancel your appointment and be there for your brother and sil who never have asked you for a single favor EVER orrrr keep routine appointment.

So when i told my own sister that this had happened and that it upset me, she said that she and her husband would have been there for us FROM OUT OF STATE (across the border).

Anyway, so guess what Fertile Soul goes ahead and does this time for ivf 2? Yes, she remembers what was said at last ivf and thinks that her sis will be available for her at ivf2. So here's the conversation:

Me: When do you get back from your vacation?
Sis: Middle of August
Me: When does school start?
Sis: After labor day, i think.
Me: ok, well, we're doing another ivf cycle, starting in july and we may need you guys for the procedure at the end of August.
Sis: what exactly do you need us for?
Me: I will need someone to drive us home after the surgery.
Sis: Surgery? What surgery? You mean procedure.
Me: No, dh is having another surgery, another tese (weren't you paying any attention the first time?)
Sis: And why cant you drive?
Me: because i'm going to be under on that day too.
Sis: ooooooooooh. ... ok. Can you give me an exact date?
Me: No, i cant even give one to the doctor who has to do the surgery.
Sis: So you dont know when exactly.
Me: Just end of august.
Sis: How many days do you need us?
Me: Just the one day. ... Well, from the early morning, so you might as well come over from the night before, since you live so far away.
Sis: i dont know about my husband's schedule, i dont know if he has to return to work before the semester starts, so i will have to check with him.
Me: great, thanks.

ok, why cant somone say, yes, i will go to the moon and back for you on that day, just tell me what you need because i know you're scared and i want to be there for you.

Can you imagine having her with me on retrieval day? A very pregnant her? God, what will i do? I think i'd rather go alone.

And so i am feeling really bummed, pms-y, and sad. I wish i didnt ask my sister to come. I dont know who else to ask at this point. I hate when i ask someone to help me with something that's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME and they whip out their calendar to check out their availability, frown, and say "um, i dunno, maybe." Ok, forget it then.

I guess a cab is always an option, it'll be a good $100 for each of us.

Ok, back to my corner, where we have crying and overeating on the agenda for another week. And i havent even started IVF 2 yet!

Meh Meh

I interrupt this blog where i talk about me to talk about ... ME. Memememememememememememe. Oh, but i digress. Cant help it, i just lub me. Memememememememe. Ok, i blame Meg for unleashing this monster within. She decided that everyone should get to know the inner me. So, here all the tagged juicy parts:

Seven Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die:

1. Become a bestselling author.
2. Win an Oscar (or two, hey, why limit myself)
3. Accummulate A TON of good deeds. Ok, more than a ton, when i think of it, ton is so paltry. I say a ton raised to the infinite power. That's more like. She who accummulates the most deeds (good) wins! Ok, not really, but it keeps me motivated.
4. Be ready to meet God, with the big bright smile that He gave me (and a ton of gewd deeds raised to an infinite power). Yeah, yeah, i lub God. Hope He forgives me for being so behind in the aforementioned good deeds plan.
5. Have some babies and raise some awesome kids (who lub da mama)
6. Open a successful bakery ... i lub baking. i lub food. i lub chocolate. Need i say more?
7. Hmmm, i only have to do 6 things before i die? What else? I reserve the right to revisit this one. Oh wait, how could i forget! I wanna ph.d in math or religion. Interesting thing, if you go back far enough in history, people studied math to get closer to God. Cool, huh?

Seven Things I Can't Do:

1. I cant eat bread cuz i have gluten sensitivity to the flour. But i eat it anyway, cuz i lub it. ...just on occasion, i swear! Like, when it sneaks into my brownie.
2. I cant be with people who complain about pregnancy or kids.
3. I cant travel by boat. I get sick. Ick.
4. I cant enjoy a rollercoaster ride like i used to as a kid. I get seasick on that too.
5. I cant let a spider crawl near me. Eew.
6. I cant get pregnant. Haha.
7. I cant finish this list! Again... i reserve the right to add stuff, heh.

Seven Things That Attracted Me to My Partner:

aww, only 7!!!???

1. Sense of humor.
2. Kind, gentle soul.
3. Super sexy, calm, gentling voice. He should do radio. But then i'd have to share him with people, hmm, this is a dilemma indeed cuz he's MINE. ... ok, I'm willing to make that sacrifice to spread the wealth.
4. He loves God. (Yay, cuz so do i!)
5. He loves me (like, at first sight, crazy. He waited a whole 10 days from the first day to let me know that one.)
6. He loves my cat. He's a catman. ok, but i didnt know this when i met him. In fact, he just discovered this about himself last year, when he buckled under the pressure of my puppy dog eyes and let me adopt a couple. He just gets better and better with age.
7. Did i mention that he loves me? oh, and he thinks i'm cute (crazy, i say!)

Seven Books That I Love (meaning i'd reread them):

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Jane Eyre
3. Emma
4. Wuthering Heights
5. To Kill a Mockingbird
6. You Belong to Me (yes, that's genre fiction, so, you wanna make something of it? Huh, huh, huh?)
7. It Happened One Autumn (yeah, more genre fiction, it's the new cool. Literary fiction, girls, is so passe ;)

The last two are subject to change on a weekly basis because i am a book ho...ri ;)

Seven Movies I Watch Over and Over:

1. Matrix (the first one only, please)
2. Gladiator
3. Pride & Prejudice (the A & E version)
4. It's a Wonderful Life (aint it though!)
5. While You Were Sleeping
6. Moulin Rouge (if you haven't seen this, you've GOTTA)
7. Emma (with Gwyenie ... yes, us oscar folks of the past, present AND future are on a petname basis)

Seven People I Want to Tag:

Ladies, if you're up for it...

1. Wishing 4 One
2. The Sunnie Side Up
3. Baby Proof Uterus
4. Infertility Island
5. I've Got Bad Plumbing
6. Stella and/or Ben
7. Velvet Cage

Blekh ... Not Quite Blah, Not Quite Ick

I'm feeling all sorts of down today. What caused this spiral into the abysss, you ask? It wasn't the show down with the boss and it wasnt the semi-truck our train hit, it was the block party we had yesterday, where my mother decided that she would attend with her grandkids. Isnt that odd? It bugged me from the moment she invited herself. The block party was supposed to be a chance for everyone to meet everyone, since we all just kinda sorta moved in in the last couple of years. I did not want the added burden of hosting my family (who live a half hour away and rarely visit) nor did i feel like playing with little kids, thank you.

But, i shined off my dimples and put on my best smile, regardless. Overall, it was a nice event but everyone i met asked me if i had any kids. I expected that, block parties are usually kidcentric. But still, it set me off kilter a little.

What pushed me off kilter completely was that my mom couldnt remember the year i was born. "1977?" No, 1973. ... "Oh, ok." Five seconds later "So, 1977 you said?" No, i was not born in the same year as my sister. Glad to know her birth year left an indelible mark on your memory, but mine was so unremarkable as to be forgotten within the span of five seconds.

Ouch. That hurts. Did i mention that my sister and sister in law are pregnant. Good for them. But dont come over, k?

Leave me alone in my world. I'd rather be in a train sitting in a pond of diesel than ever have that conversation with my mother again.

Man, i'm so angry today. Why? And i'm so de-spirited. I dont feel like doing ANYTHING. I dont feel like reading or watching tv. I feel awfully snarky. I just finished a book that's total crap. I feel like writing the author a letter explaining to her how her book could have been so much better if she trusted the story more, stayed with the core plot, instead of adding ridiculous twists at the end, the emotionality of which she never kept up with. If you cant keep up with the emotionality of your plot, then your plot sucks because it's just stupid action scene after action scene and who cares anymore.

But then again SHE'S published and i'm sitting here wondering why my mom cant remember 1973. So, ultimately i suck.

I wish i could just take a good nap and sleep this blekh away.

Train With a View

I took this photo because I was on this train right before it hit a semi-truck ... a SEMI-FRICKIN-TRUCK ... on my way home from work today. So freaky. First off, the train did not screech to a halt, like you'd imagine. It's as if the conductor did not see the semi on the tracks until it hit it. I was in the second car from the derailed engine, which is shown above. All i heard was a slight boom, not startling, but THEN all of a sudden there's this half of a semi truck doing cart wheels CART WHEELS in the air and FLYING by my window. Yeah, that's right, i thought it was going to land on us. People screamed, "OH MY GOD." When i saw that, i thought all the trains carts would be squeezed together. But, no, the train just screeched to a halt.

The conductor came in to ask if everyone was okay and then to announce that there were no injuries on the train. Then we waited, while a noxious smell infiltrated each cart. One man made it off the train and began to walk. But everyone else waited. Then another man started walking up and down the carts, saying "there's DIESEL out there, people." The conductor yelled "No body get off the train. Stay where you are."

But diesel? Someone quipped "Don't start smoking"..."No one light a cigarette" haha. Funny. But, yeah, you're sitting on a train soaked in diesel with a diesel spill outside its doors, what do you do?

One man got out. From the window, he mouthed to the other passengers "T H E R E 'S A F I R E" in the last train cart. At that point, i left my seat to make my way towards the door. The doors were open, but we were instructed not to leave. Eventually, frantic man came back down and left and we all followed. It was the smartest thing, i think. I mean, stay where you're seated when you're seated in a pond of diesel?

We were wrecked in the boonies. It took 2 miles of no man's land to get to the train station, in 80+ muggy weather.

Finally, dh found this obscure train station and picked me up.

I just can't believe i saw semi-truck fly by me. It was like a scene out of a tornado movie.

UPDATE: In case this ever happens to anyone, God forbid, we did not actually step in the diesel. We exited from the other side and walked around the front of the train. They say walking in deisel is no better than sitting in a traincart soaked in it. But still, i'm glad we got off the train without having to step in diesel.

Side view for all you gawkers, like me.

The Hell Paid

So, the next day, after my day off, which my boss frowned upon ... well, it turns out, he went to the ubber boss to complain about me. He didnt go to his own boss, he'd gone to this other one (the one i had been working closely on in this file, but who is not my direct boss) and demanded (in front of her underling attorney, who is my friend) to know when i found about the settlement conference (so that he can really nail me to the wall). My friend, who found his behavior highly unprofessional and inappropriate, given that he interrupted their already ongoing conversation to demand this trivial information, informed me that the ubber boss came to my defense, stating that we only found out about the conference on Wednesday, ipso facto idiot, SHORT NOTICE.

But did moronic boss take the hint? Nooooooo. He proceeded to complain about why i took the day off, when, mind you, everyone else on our team, including him, had gone to a baseball game DURING WORK HOURS. Excuse me if i find baseball excruciatingly boring and i'd rather fold laundry than watch my rotten boss get drunk.

Anyway, the one small miracle in all this is that idiot boss did not actually go to his boss, who is in control of deciding whether or not i get a raise, next year. So, PHEW! Survived that one by the shinny shins because in the end, his boss is only going to remember that my boss complained about my "poor planning" and not that it was unwarranted, unmerited, or unjustified.

Now you might wonder why he did not go to his boss ... any takers? anyone? It's because he had to build a case against me BEFORE he strung me up from my toe nails. See, he already learned once before that building a case against me without anything to support it only gets himself hanged by his own stupidity.

I'm just mad that he even complained about me to ubber boss. I like her, i dont want her to think i'm a dork. I mean, i got enough work trying to keep up with her (she's real smart, hence the ubberness) and the last thing i need is someone to come in and besmirch my good name to her or put her in the inconvenient position of tracking down my emails to her so that she may answer dickwad's questions. Like she doesnt have a bazillion other things to do. She hasnt taken a vacation in years, that's how busy she is. I'm sure she wants to be interrupted to stand around and complain about the merits of my vacation.

Anyway, moronic/idiot/dickwad boss finally simmered down after the settlement conference was miraculous cancelled. But not until he wasted a lot of people's times and made sure how dissatisfied he was with me.

Idiot.

No, i did not confront him. I'd have to reveal my source, and i wouldnt want to. Besides, he has no idea how inappropriate his behavior was, and me telling him wouldn't teach him squat. He's known for getting uptight for no good reason. And he's known for having poor management skills. Trouble is, no one else wanted his position, so his boss gave it to him. God help him. When he's not in my business and up in my face, i really feel sorry for him and hope for him the best.

I really wish he could find someone who could tolerate him or teach him better social skills. He's one of those people who lived with "Mother" way into his 30s (or 40s, i dont know, i have no idea how old he is. He's probably in his 40s). He lives alone and is a workoholic. Need i say more?

Pissed Off And It's Not Fertility Related!

I'm just a little pissed off today. I decided to take the day off. What's wrong with that, huh? My boss emailed, asking for an explanation. Um, like, what's there to explain? It's a day off, you gave it to me, i took it. It's not like my boss would miss me. It's not like my boss even SEES me on a daily basis to notice. Heck, if i hadn't said anything, he might not have even noticed.

Anyway, i'm just a little aggravated. I guess what bugged me was that the boss said that he's been "lenient" with me and trusting. WTF???? I work overtime, i take my work home, i work it on the train, i come in on weekends, and even now, i'm workin on my vacation day. So, pleeze boss, your leniency has been matched in quadruplicate.

And now, of course, i'm wondering, was that wrong? Mind you, my other boss (who got promoted beyond my ranks, sniff, sniff) never gave a rat's ass as to when you took your alloted time off.

So then, naturally, here i am stewing and feeling guilty about having taken the time off. My precious little time. I'm just so backed up in the house, yanno? I want to wake up in the morning and be able to find an underwear, without having to dig through loads of clean laundry. Is that too much to ask!

I should just get back to the housework. Having the house in order and not nagging me EVERY.SINGLE.DAY will really be a load of stress off my mind. I fell a little behind because i've been giving extra attention to my novel lately. Yeah, we're back in the game, so MOVE OVER Nora Roberts.

Anyway, was i wrong? Should i feel bad? No, i shouldnt, the more i think about it. My boss was just trying to cover his ass, worried that his boss would come down on him. He even said so in the email, telling me "[i] put [him] in a bind"--not about the day off, but about having to go out of town for settlement conference we just found out about. Hey, that's not my fault. WE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. Yes, it's last minute. But, he says "it reflects poorly on [my] planning" and then puts "him in a bind." Actually, the only problem is that it puts him in a bind, given that we had very little notice about it. So, the fact that short notice travel puts him in a bind is his problemo, not mine. But of course, i should get blamed for it, right?

Ok, but in the end, the settlement conference (and travel plans) was cancelled, so that should mean that he's no longer in "a bind." But somehow, i doubt that. He's the uptight, micro-managing sort. He needs to be in a bind to survive.

My question is, how do you get on the good side of a character like that (assuming that it doesnt involve any fakey, kiss ass, brown nosing stuff. I cant stand that!)? Because, now, suddenly, i feel like i'm going to have a little hell to pay when i go back tomorrow.

Running On Empty

I saw my sister this weekend. She looked fatigued, exhausted, and totally stressed out. Totally. She's a ph.d candidate and this is not exactly the best timing for a baby, when you teach and study all day long, especially someone who's been stressed out by her teach/study schedule.

But you know what, there was a moment there where i thought, man, i would NOT want to be in her shoes. I would not want to be that stressed out, so behind in rest, so backed up in a quiet time, and then expecting to have a baby soon, before there's a chance to destress and take it all in. I do not envy that kind of stress. I do not wish it upon anyone.

I am so content not to have it. Really, i'd rather have no baby and no stress, then a baby with stress to my eyeballs. That's no way to live, not for you or baby. I mean, a baby brings its own stress and pressures, so, you've got to be ready for that. You cant already be maxed out on your stress reserves when a baby comes. Then you're always running on empty. I HATE that feeling. I'm so glad that's not me.

An Interesting Thing About Life (cuz, yanno, i know all about it)

Thank you everyone for commiserating with me. I feel much better. Ahh ... surprisingly so. I had a little talk with myself and it went something like:

Me: Self, what the F*&#@%!$* is wrong with you, huh?! This is WAY too much crying, girl.
Self: Well, i'm really disappointed. I really wanted to have a baby by now.
Me: I'm sorry, girl, but that's what you say, is it really what you wanted?
Self: I just thought that i would have a baby by now and i would be moving onto that part of my life wherein i got to undo all the wrongs of my childhood by doing right by my kids.
Me: Whoa, that's screwed up.
Self: It makes perfect, beautiful sense to me, like music. I'd be a perfect mom. I know exactly what NOT to do to a child. Besides, it's time some things went a little right in my life. And i've been waiting a long LONG time to tip the scales back in favor of a little justice in my corner. I suffered through a lifetime of injustice on the hope of the sweet justice of my child. Nothing in the past mattered so long as the future was okay.
Me: Oh well, that's a nifty little bind of your own making. So, by definition, your future can't be ok, ever, unless you have kids. By definition, you're doomed to a miserable unhappy life, unless you get the kids to fix it?
Self: I never thought about not having kids.
Me: But are kids the only way to right your past?
Self: ... huh?
Me: Do you really need kids to make peace with your past?
Self: come again?
Me: Do you really think your kids will make you all right with your rotten stinkin childhood?
Self: It's one way.
Me: But you see, it's not so much about your kids as it is about your unjust childhood.
Self: Yes, it was a misspent childhood. I promised myself that my kids would never suffer the same fate.
Me: But it's not too late for you. You dont need to live vicariously through your kids. You can fix the wrongs of an unjust youth yourself. It's not too late. You dont have to wait to have kids to finally get the right treatment, to finally be treated right, to finally treat yourself right.
Self: You're right. You're so right. It's just so SOoooooooooo much easier thinking that my kids will save me.
Me: Save yourself.

So, after this little conversation with self, i realized that i'm not so totally bugged about my sister. That's a pain that smarts, but it's not the end of my life as i know it (which is how i can feel sometimes about being babyless). Anytime i come face to face with the reality that i'm not getting the one thing i promised myself as a child to justify what i suffered, the pain of what i actually suffered returns, making that moment as painful as an unjust childhood. But the two, in reality, are not the same. The unjust childhood was bad and is entitled to it's due, but it's not equal to the pain of a sister getting pregnant before me. That's way ok. Like i said, it just smarts, like a ripped bandaid, not a gash in the heart like a robbed childhood.

Ok? But enough about me already, even though, i really think i'm beginning to figure out this baby thing so much more. It's not about the baby. It's about me. If i'm ok with me, totally and fully ok with my life as it is, as it was, and as it becomes, then i will be ok with or without baby. Baby is along for the joyride of my life. Not vice versa.

The question is, how much of a joy have i not allowed my life to be, given that i've been waiting for baby to bring it all in? As if i cant make joy for myself? Who ever sold me that lie?

Life is good and God is great, all the time, come what may, it's all good.

Thank God.

The CALL ... From My Sister

You know, the one that got married less than a year ago? The one who was only 13 when i got married? The one who assured me that she didnt want to have kids right away? She called to tell me she's 3 months along. God bless her. No really, God bless her. I want for her what i want for myself. So, God bless her, dammit.

The thing is, really, i know this is going to sound so incredibly stupid but i just really really really never believed that she would have kids before me (call me stupid). I mean, i just really believed that we would at least be pregnant at the same time. And to think, that she was pregnant during our ivf. Ouch.

And now my belief has been shattered, and i feel lost at sea. Lost in a sea of my own tears. I dont know why that belief was so central to my world view. I always believed that we would have kids together, so everytime she would get close to getting married, i would think, oh, wow, you know what that means, my dreams might come true now.

I'm so silly. Slapped silly by my own incredibly stupid and unfounded belief. Is it any wonder that i'm into romantic storytelling? I've been telling myself a doozie for most of my life.

Oh, God. I feel so sad. What am i going to do without my sanity-keeping beliefs? Cry myself to death?

Maybe, or at least until i mourn this sad ending, which ever comes first.