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Babies Are Stressful

My sister came over yesterday with her husband and baby...and, strangely, i felt nothing drudge up from my own infertile woes. I did not wish i was in her shoes; i did not wish to have a baby; i did not lament for a single second that we are forever childless. Isn't that odd? Especially when i've been telling y'all how sad i've been about this little infertile factoid of ours?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sister has not had an easy time of it. I've never seen a baby cry 24 hours straight with 10 minute breaks only for sleep. He's better now but still uncomfortable with the prospect of suckling and pooping.

But he's much much better. So much so, we were even able to go out for dinner with nary a peep from him. But just watching her with him, i felt so stressed out. And i have another friend who's pregnant and i feel so stressed out for her. I dont know how she's going to manage, working full time and juggling a toddler and a newborn. She plans on quitting her job but i cant imagine how she can afford to do so. Stress, stress, stress.

So, here i am feeling stressed out for all these new moms. I do not envy them at the moment. I do not even want that. I want to get some peace and quiet back into my life, settle back into a routine, sell a novel or something and launch a new career as a writer because frankly i don't know how i would be able to have a baby and work full time. And it's not that i have grand ideas about being a supermom who works full time and has a family (i'm really the opposite), but i can't afford not to work at the moment, unless of course we can sell our novel and then maybe i can work from home as a writer.

So, i guess the moral of the story is that i would like to be able to afford to have a baby in the first place. Yes, having them is nice and all, but not when the bills keep you up at night. I mean, i guess it's still nice on some level even then, but not as nice.

Well then, i guess it's a good thing that i cant afford a baby because we aint having any anytime soon anyway. So there!

Sometimes, It's Just Better Not to Procreate

American Idol has value far beyond its apparent goal to find America's next superstar. It really makes you re-examine whether you really want to have children after all. I mean, sometimes i wonder, who are these people's parents? Couldnt their parents have told them that they cant sing? That they shouldnt embarrass themselves on public television to discover what's patently obvious? No, of course not, because those parents are standing right next to them, encouraging them on.

These have been my thoughts all day. On yesterday's episode, there was one girl who was tone deaf and could not sing a single note in key. The judges asked her about this and she said she knew she couldnt sing, but she wanted to be the first American Idol that took a tone deaf person and made her a singing superstar. This is a new level of ridiculous even for AI. She knows she cant sing but she wants to win a singing competition. And then she has the gall to be outraged when they say no.

Where are her parents?

Sometimes, it's just better not to procreate than unleash more stupidity onto the world. I worry about that sometimes because i'm not immune to stupidity myself...shocking, but true. Of course, i hope that if i were ever blessed with a child that i would do everything right and he/she would turn out to be a wonderfully well-adjusted happy human being. But we all know the odds of that happening in this modern day and age of instant gratification and overstimulation are probably as good as winning the American Idol competition, even if i were to overcome the already incredible odds of having a child despite our permanent infertility (insert MIRACLE here). There is that part of me that wonders what would happen if i became a parent and screwed it all up? Would my sole contribution to humanity be an addition to American Idol's slush piles?

Deep thoughts that keep me up at nights. Tonight, i am happy to be childless and free from this worry. I dont have to worry about anyone's peace of mind but my own. It's not by choice, but it is its own blessing. If i have not yet achieved peace of mind, how can i possibly presume to pass it on to anyone else?

Human beings can be so arrogant at times, so enamored with our own self-worth and blind to our faults. Thank God, we are loved nonetheless.

Reprieve

So, it appears that suddenly this massive gaping wound is scabbing over. I no longer feel like crying every single moment of the day. In fact, I can go a whole entire day without crying about it. And sometimes, I can even begin to see and feel the road I was once on before this past year’s trip through the rabbit hole of ivf.

But how does a large open bleeding wound suddenly begin to close? And why?

Well, my friends, I’m not ashamed to admit that it may have a little to do with my drug of choice…escapism. For the past week, I have returned to an old guilty pleasure—romance novels, where happily-ever-after endings are guaranteed or your money back. So far, I’m downing one a day. And when I’m not doing that, I am drowning my mind in music. My current favorite selection (to be linked when I can figure it out):

LET IT BE

When I find myself in times of trouble,

mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness

she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people

living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted

there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy,

there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music,

mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

It's a MIRACLE!!!!

Well, well, well, apparently miracles DO happen. Just not to me. Oh, did you think I was referring to me? Silly Rabbits.

But, what’s a nice staunchly IF girl to think? Here she is riding the internet and clickin along when she comes across a blog wherein the exact miracle she was waiting for happened to someone else. Of all things! Didn’t I just say that I believe in miracles! Didnt I?

But, but, but, I have this other weird belief about miracles. They're like lightening. Don’t ask, I had a weird fantasy filled childhood (dreaming about my future children…nuff said). But, isn’t it true though, miracles occur as often as lightning strikes? I mean, first I gotta believe in miracles and now I gotta believe that the same miracle that literally just happened to someone else is going to happen to me? Really? And just how often do you hear about IF miracles on the net? As often as lightning strikes, I’d say.

It’s just so very ironic that the moment I said I wanted a miracle, I saw someone else get it, oh me of little of faith.

"Do you believe now, Neo?"

Woo-Fricken-hoo, It's 2007!

I spoke with a friend this weekend, talked about the fact that i cant get over the hope we had last year. I cant give it up. I still want to believe there's hope. And i cant stop crying about it. She reminded me that it's like the death of a child or a loved one, that she had a friend who's mother died at a young age and she cried every day for a year. Cried.Everyday.For.A.Year. I guess that's what 2007 has in store for me. Good times.

What's worse is the feeling that i will cry about this foreover. FOREVER. It only seems right, since i've wanted kids forever. But my friend re-assured me that it wont be forever, just a year--a good long year. She says that i need to give myself sometime and not be surprised at how long this is taking.

And yet, it's so difficult to grieve this. No one understands and no one appreciates what a trauma this has been for me. People are just blah.

But i did finally get a sense that, maybe, just maybe, it is, in fact, true that we will never have kids. I did finally feel a dent in all the hope that was built over this last year. It's a sobering thought. And sometimes i can hold on to it long enough to get some perspective on this. And sometimes i just want to go back to glorious hope. I have always been a hopeful person. It goes against my grain to give it up.

In the meantime (i mean when we are not crying), we are crabby. Yes, yes, it's true. I know this is so rare for me, but we are experiencing the terrible (thirty)-Two's, as Kris puts it. And, i just want to rant about how the world and the people in it suck. What's wrong with that? Huh?

For instance, i emailed a homeopathic doctor that i found out about six days ago about maybe, perhaps, there's a homeopathic solution to our infertile woes, right? Why does it take her six days to say she "has more experience with female problems" and that my husband should find a homeopathic doctor closer to home. Well thank-fricken-you! Gee, i waited six days to hear nonsense. I HATE when that happens. And i have said nothing about the other homeopathic doctor I emailed twice two months ago with no response. I hate irresponsible people. They're just stupid.

Also, i am so frustrated by the fact that i returned from vacation to get dumped on at work. Namely, i (and the rest of my team) have to pick up the load for the slackers. Why? Am i also going to get to pick up some of their pay (which is far greater than mine, considering that they have that y-factor goin on)? Well, no, sillies. What country are you in? A country of gender equality and fairness? Ha! Hahahahahahahahahah!

Ok, that covers the moment's frustrations. I am also on very little restful sleep and battling the onslaught of bronchitis. Whoop-dee-doo!

Open Letter

Dear Giada,

How on earth do you expect anyone to take anything you say seriously when all anyone sees when you speak are your boobs? What are you selling, your recipes or your cleavage? I turn on the food network channel and i dont know if i'm watching a cooking show or a sex show with a little cooking on the side. Are you perhaps overcompensating? Maybe you want to distract the audience so they dont question the actual content of your show?

Get a sweater, girl, and save your boobs for your man, unless you really like all those wackos on you-tube comments salivating all over you. Disgusting.

FS

Wherefore Art Thou...

Didnt you always think that "wherefore art thou Romeo" meant "where are you Romeo?" It should, imho.

I have been on a sweet three week vay-kay-shee-yon...to a place where the sun dont stop shinin. And we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun. Yeah, baby. John Lennon had it goin on.

Sorry about the sudden departure and utter absence of my posts. It was crazy getting out of here in those last two weeks. I had to work weekends to get all my files in order to leave and hope that no catastrophe took place in my absence. That's always fun--coming home to a greater mess than you left.

But, thank God, that was not the case...as of yet. I'm still slogging through the 200 emails that have accumulated.

In other news, we are pathetically awaiting a miracle. No seriously, that's not a euphism for something new in the ttc department. I'm really praying really hard for God to give us miracle. What's wrong with that? It could happen!

And yes, three weeks of sun does not really put a dent in the daily crying, in case you all were wondering. In fact, i had many nights of uncontrollable and unforseeable crying. It's like everything and anything can make me cry.

But, i'm okay with that. I see it as part of the grieving process. In this phase, we are expending a great amount of liquid sorrow. So be it. It's far better than holding it in...not that i was. It's very strange, but it's really like a delayed reaction. At first, i had no tears, or very little. My life didnt really feel much different. It was back to being childless as usual. But now, i feel so broken hearted, so unbelievably broken hearted, i just cry--a lot.

And you know what, that's ok. I'm done with trying to figure it all out. I just know that if that's what's going on with me, then fine. It's okay to be me.