The Fertile Soul

Still Here

2007-07-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

Yes, i am still around. And, there's nothing new to report, but i think that's great news. That means, since April or even before, i have been living childfree and happy. I have not had a single slide back into infertile woes. I'm still kind of shocked by it. I see people with babies, and i dont have "what about me" thoughts or feelings. Not a one. And this from the girl who not so long ago had those thoughts every single second of her life.

It's taken a long long time to get to this place, a place i never thought imaginable. I never thought i would be able to give up the wish of having a baby of my own or getting pregnant. But, somewhere along the line in the past fews months, somehow, i did. I wish i could tell you the formula, or exactly, precisely how this came to pass, but i cannot say precisely exactly how. It has a lot to do with making peace with the past, overcoming post traumatic stress, and learning to live in the now--all of which have no formulas.

I still mourn my traumatic childhood, but the more i do, the better i feel about now, regardless of whether my now does or does not have children. It's irrelevant. Let me rephrase that--it's not an essential component to my ultimate happiness.

Thank God.

Questions About Period, Help!

2007-06-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

This may sound obvious to some, but i am quite at a loss, and doctor google can turn a girl into quite the hypochondriac. But, here's my problem. For the past few periods, my period has been (sorry to gross y'all out) clotted. You know what i mean? When you're about to flush the toilet you're suddenly taken aback by masses and clots floating around?... again, sorry about the gross out. But, then this month, same situation, except my period seems to have been cut in half down to 4-5 days instead of the usual 8-10. I'm on my fifth day and it's down to one measly very dark discharge.

The only other thing going on is a yeast infection, which i've been treating with acidophilus. I'm not on bcp.

Any ideas anyone as to what's going? I was just at the doctor's office before my period (for the yeast infection) and i feel silly going back, yet again.

Update

2007-06-11T07:49:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update to let y'all know that dh is doing well and is cancer free, thank God. I, however, am not doing so well, hence the delayed posting. I have a brand spanking new case of post traumatic stress, complete with the regular irregular heartbeat, which the doctor said was "nothing." I hope it's still nothing when my heart stops!

You see, right before the surgery i suddenly realized that my husband COULD DIE and that i would then be seriously ALL ALONE for the rest of the MY LIFE, which, who knows, could be another FIFTY FREAKIN YEARS! God!

So, of course, in my frenzied freak out, i asked my husband, honey, um, like, what would I do if anything happened to you??!?! Memememememememe. Yeah, so basically, I was like, if you died on the operating table, I will be one lonely woman living out the remainder of her life by her lonesome! Ok, but I didn’t exactly put it that way. Instead, i asked, will you haunt when you're gone? He said, I can only haunt the basement because there are rules to haunting, you know. Needless to say, i started making plans to move to the basement.

Uh, yeah, not one of my finer moments. I dont know how he managed to survive my freakout. But so here we are. I will post more about the results a little later, once i come off PTSD.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

2007-05-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

So, i am up very late on the eve of my husband's surgery and i am a little anxious. Coping with said anxiety has involved the ingestion of mountains of glutenous food and chocolate along with watching hours and hours of movies while only breaking to speed read two romance novels a day. Yesterday i was trying to figure out a way to watch a movie and read a novel at the same time. I want to escape into movieland and i want my senses to be completely absorbed. I dont want to be me at this moment. I dont want to think about my life, or what my life might be like if anything happened to my husband. What would become of me? memememe. Suddenly, i am very concerned about facing the rest of my life without him.

And what a long lonely life that would be. I am happily estranged from my father and not very close to my mother. These tenuous ties have also strained the links between me and my siblings (thanks mom and dad!).

Nonetheless, i am surprised about the amount of anxiety i have over this surgery tomorrow. This is the surgery on the 4 cm lump found in my husband's thyroid, the cancerousness of which is to be determined once it's taken out. I did not have this much anxiety over the two surgeries he had last year over his nether regions. Maybe i was a little too drugged up for that or too excited with hope, the worst opiate of all.

So, here i am, past midnight, reading novels and now writing. Surgery is tomorrow at some point past 10am. He is to be discharged the day after, God willing.

I think, though, that my anxiety speaks to deep, unrevealed desires. I truly desire a different sort of life. I know this and have known this. I didnt realize how desperately it claws at me just beneath the surface.

And, this other sort of life has nothing to do with children. It's unbelieveable and shocking, but true. In fact, we have been remarkably well living childfree these past two months. I haven't blogged much of it lately because i frankly couldnt believe myself. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. The deluge to begin. The cycle to start over. But it hasnt. I am not only living child free, i am free of the hope of it. Can you imagine that? I simply don't care anymore....it's even simpler than that because that statement implies rancor, but i'm not angry. In fact, i am happy to be childfree. I have discovered that there are so many things i want to do and explore and learn (now that i've finally given myself the complete permission to do so), that i wouldnt really have time for a child's needs right now. So if anything, i am relieved to be free of any parental duties.

This relief didnt just suddenly occur, but is more a result of finally overcoming a traumatic childhood. I have been suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome since i was a child, and before that, i was deeply depressed (FUN childhood). In therapy, i learned the skills i needed to cope with post traumatic stress but believed that i might forever be "coping" with it, given that much of it occurred before memory set in.

Recently, i have come to completely understand the source of my childhood traumas and, instead of feeling angry, i feel relieved. I always knew something was up and that my emotions related to something, and i finally learned that i was right. I was right in my sadness, right in my heartbreak, right in my depression, and right in my anger--though i was never quite sure what i was right about. I had thought it had much to do with being childless. In fact, it has nothing to do with that. And that knowledge has set me free--free of the fantasy that my own children would fix my broken childhood. But all the pieces are finally in place now and i am finally unbroken. It is possible become whole again, after all.

It is interesting to me that throughout all these years of wanting, desperately wanting and hoping for a baby, i never could really bring myself to pray for it with any ferverence (except in this last bizarre year of IVF, where prayer was the only antidote to my hormonal insanities). I believe that on some deep level, i always understood that an actual baby was not what i truly wanted.

What i wanted was my own babyhood back, and righted. What i wanted was to feel whole--to feel contentment in the moment, to know happiness. I finally have the peace that i have been waiting for all my life.

Now, i worry that it will be shattered tomorrow. And i suppose that worry is natural under the circumstances. It's probably the lingering effects of post traumatic stress talking.

Old habits, baby. If you dont kill them, you will die a slow death of million little anxieties!

The Secret

2007-05-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

No, i aint holdin out on y'all. But, apparently, there is a "secret." Did y'all hear about this? According to this book, the secret to life is that "like attracts like." That is, whatever you want you can have, if you just think positively. If you think you can, you will. Whatever is in your life, is there because you willed it...

Ahem, aside from the fact that the book is written for a first grader, complete with large print and colored thick paper, i believe that i have completely debunked the theory that you can will into your life whatever you want so long as you "think" about it long enough. I thought about having children for more than 25 years, especially the last 15. Towards the end, i was thinking about it every single second of the every day. It was getting kind of clinical, and i didnt realize it until one day i suddenly couldnt breathe. I thought i was dying. After a rush to the emergency room and gazillion tests, it was nothing but a panic attack. The ER doctor pulled up a chair next to me and quietly asked "is there something bothering you?" No, nothing. I was fine. I wasnt stressed or unhappy. I had a good job. The only thing, if anything, is that i thought about having a baby ... Every. Single. Second.

So, i had to give that up. It was either that or stop breathing at random. And since having a baby was impossible anyway without basic inhalation and exhalation, i had to choose breathing. Selfish me.

The moral is, the Secret sucks (the book, that is). Yeah, it works (for others, i assume), but not always. It's not simply a matter of will it and so be it. That's oversimplifying the issue just a smidge, don't you think?

My husband returned the book to the bookstore. If you know us, you know that we would rather throw something away before we went through the hassle of returning anything. And, we ~~are pack rats~~ never throw anything away. When asked about the reason for the return, dh said, "It didn't work."

Fertile Infertiles

2007-04-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Is the world of infertiles shrinking? I just clicked on a majority of my links here and discovered that a majority of the links are to blogs of suddenly fertile infertiles.

I need to do a little housekeeping, i suppose.

In the meantime, we learned that dh has a growth in his thyroid that needs to get taken out. They won't know for sure if its cancer until they pull it out, sometime in the next month. The biopsy was inconclusive.

Further, the wonderfully perfect job that dh got as editor of top tiered University Journal of a major Science publication just got pulled from under him because the Journal of a major Science publication decided to part company with the top tiered University and its editors. So, in addition to maybe having cancer, he's also out of a job. Let's just kick a man while he's down, why dont we.

I say that sardonically, of course. Seriously, i dont actually feel sardonic or bitter. In fact, i thank God for all things.

I feel that we've been blessed to have discovered this growth. It's asymptomatic. The only reason we did discover it was because dh needed a chest x-ray before he did the surgeries before the ivf. Those x-rays showed a growth in the thyroid. Otherwise, he would never have known that he had a 4 cm growth.

It's funny because one of the reasons i didnt want to do ivf was precisely because if anything happened to dh during the surgery, i wasnt sure i could live with myself. Now, i never imagined that it could, quite possibly, have saved his life.

So, yes, i thank God for all things.

Two Weeks On

2007-04-09T04:43:00.000-07:00

So, i'm on the upswing of feelings lately. I guess a body gets bored of the bleak and dreary. Or, as i said, it's my cycle, two weeks up and two weeks down.

In the meantime, i signed up for piano lessons. I want to get into some creative outlets that don't involve so much let down, like writing. I got a rejection letter the other day from one of the major agencies in hollywood that said something to the effect of "Here's your query letter back. We didnt read it and dont have any intention of reading it and should we produce a movie with similar themes, please know that that wasnt because we read it or got the idea from you." Fatheads.

It just makes you want to quit that craft altogether.

Anyway, i'm not here to get down about the craft. I'm here really to talk about my recent adventures with other people's babies. My friend had her baby and i visited them in the hospital. And, i didnt have a single solitary jealous second. I did not go off into the "aww, isnt she cute and wont your life be perfect now" fantasy. Instead, i connected with the reality of her situation. She just gave birth to her second child. She's probably exhausted beyond belief. But, that's irrelevant because there's this baby she just got that's completely dependent upon her for the next twenty years. Good bye sleep. Good bye rest. Good bye old life. Hello stress.

And it's her second child. So she has to go home and negotiate things with the first one, who is an irrational mini-adult at 3 years old, speaking like a ten year old but feeling like a toddler who still very much wants mommy's attention and always resented that her mother worked and that she was sent off to babysitting and now preschool. Yeah, and now there's a second child to be equally "neglected." Psht, what's the point? That's not fun.

And then yesterday, i went out to eat with my sister and brother and a combined total of 4 kids under 6, two of which were 4 months old. And most of the time i felt, someone, please stop the crying babies! And, would someone stop those kids from running around and playing the restaurant piano? They could accidentally trip a waiter or something. I did not, for a single second, think, man, i wish one of these were mine. No. Not at all. I feel apathetic. There's nothing appealing about squealing babies who demand your constant attention.

So, that's where i am. Getting settled in this childless life. For now, it's what i want. I'm finally beginning to see that it's the life God gave me, and it's the life i want, gratefully.

I may still want children in some recesses of my heart. But at least, i'm getting back to feeling that there are other things i can want as well. And life is good whether you have chocolate cake or fresh strawberry pie--it's not all about the chocolate!

The Ordinary Life

2007-03-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

So i finally changed my profile. It's a lot shorter. Thank you Lut C and Kris for the strike-through recommendation. Blogger had different ideas about my plans and refused to cooperate. Oh well, what's new.

I've been reading about personality types and it's been enlightening. First, i bet y'all didn't know that i was the romantic type. What? The romance-writer-wannabe didnt give it all away? Who knew the romantic types could have such ~~bitchy~~ (haha! take that blogger) sardonic edges.

According to enneagrams, I am prone to melancholy. Ooooooooh, well, that explains it.

Actually, if you delve deeply into your type, it aint a pretty sight. For romantic types gone amuck with their personalities and lives and relationships, according to enneagrams, they must accept the "ordinary life" to return back to center. That means, the melancholiness of my soul would disappear if i could simply accept my plain, ordinary life. Simple.

Well, for all those non-romantic types out there, accepting the so-called "ordinary life" is precisely, exactly, perfectly equivalent to accepting a life without biological children. Would you believe that it was one of the first thoughts that occurred to me ...you, mean, that's it? This is my life? It's not the stuff of my fantasies? It's just this ordinary blahdom? After all my work and fantasies and praying?

Striving for the "ordinary life" (where i've always sought and pursued and wanted the extraordinary life) as a path to peace is kind of a sobering thoughts. Sometimes, i can hold onto it long enough to feel a peace and then, just as quickly, it slips away and suddenly i'm facing a bleak, boring life. Life really sucks. That's the reality for the romantic types. The life in their dreams is so much better and reality never ever matches it.

Ok, i dont mean to paint such a bleak picture. In reality, if the romantic-type, aka me, could simply be present and live in the present and not in a fantasy filled world where i get to go frolicking through the rides at disney with my kids, if i could just set that aside and realize and appreciate that i have a full life without that fantasy running through my head, i could be happy, even happier than i am in the fantasy-filled version.

But, it's just been a hard sell. The fantasy filled version seems nicer and funner. It's what i know. I dont want to change. I like being stuck in my ways, absent from the moment, in love with an illusion, taking deep swims in melancholy. What's wrong with that? That's a GREAT life! heh.

Danielson

2007-03-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

There's nothing new. I realize that i spend 2 weeks of the month wishing and hoping and wanting and crying and then 2 weeks not. Two weeks on, and two weeks off. Wax on, wax off.

I wonder if i'll get to win an emotional karate competition at the end of all this.

What Nots & Stuff

2007-02-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

So, i guess we have no music fans in the infertile world (or Heather or Nora fans, for that matter). But, no problem. I was just wondering, is it just me or did y'all cry over the last episode of Grey's Anatomy...you know, the scene where a husband was looking for his missing pregnant wife and the hospital had two, one in the operating room and one in the morgue.... KLEENEX!

Or, the episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition...the mother of 5 autistic children (and a sixth one without). FIVE AUTISTIC CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they were all hers. God help those with autism and those who parent those with autism and all parents of children with special needs. I am just so happy that familiy got a brand new remodeled house. The bank was about to foreclose on them and everyone came together to pay off their mortgage (sniff, sniff). God bless that show for helping families!

But it just goes back to my new theory...parenting is so FRICKEN hard. I mean, yeah, i always knew that, but now i am finding comfort in remembering just how hard it is. It aint a walk in the park. And if you're lucky, maybe, just maybe, your kids will thank you in 20 years, but dont hold your breath. So, who's up for that particular form of torture? Who's next in line?

Being a parent is suddenly so scary.

Thank God i aint one. Wahoo, yay for me. Okay, i know y'all aint buying that, but indulge me please.

In other what nots, who can tell me how to "strike through" text in blogger? I mean, have you read my bio? Who is that perky b***ch? Someone, shut her up, please. Please!

Thanks.

Open Letters

2007-02-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Grammys

Can i have one??? Please, please, pleeeeeze? I dont really sing, but i'm really really cute and i can do a very sexy video if i put my mind to it (but would never sink so low, unless its for dh's eyes only, and then maybe i could be convinced). But seriously though, if the Pussy Cat Dolls can be nominated for best silly song sung by six skinny skanks, then i say, why can't i be nominated for best nonvocal crying blog? I mean, who's going to get nominated next, Hillary Clinton? Oh wait, she already won one. So yeah, gimme mine!

***

Dear Heather (as in locklear)

Aren't you, like, 50? Why must you botox yourself into looking like a 6 year old? Huh? I was so distracted by your puffy cheeks and lips you couldnt close (or probably feel) that i could hardly watch you in the great Nora Roberts debut movie on Lifetime. You're very pretty without it, girl.

And, was that a body double for the "sex" scenes?

***

Dear Nora,

Your movie tanked, mainly because there was no chemistry between the two main characters and/or actors. The main character was a nut, and not cute nutty, but just plain old just-been-discharged-from-the-psycho-ward-and-need-to-retire-to-the-mountains-where-i-start-seeing-things nutty...Boooooooooring. And why was normal, balanced, mystery -writer-hero attracted to nutty puffy Heather? I think, i think it might have something to do with him wanting to solve the mystery...who is the woman beneath all this cow blubber? A real man wants to know.

Yeah right!

On Feeling Better

2007-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Well, as i mentioned, i have been feeling better, not so weepy or sad--except on random occassion. The only thing that's really changed since the monstrous daily weeps and now is...drum roll please...i've been working on my writing. Anti-climatic, huh? It's very very strange and novel how my own creative pursuits, especially writing, can make me feel better, can calm me down in a sense and give me peace. It's so basic and yet so shocking to me. I guess that's because i've never seen writing as an easy task. And to find comfort or peace in it seems like an oxymoron, unless you're writing in your blog or journal. But creative writing? Where you have to beat down your own internal critic at every turn so that your creative side might get a word in edge-wise for a second out of the day...well, what's fun or peace-inducing about that?

It's a strange world we live in. These are strange times. Case in point--i just received a rejection for a query i sent out 9 MONTHS AGO. It was a rejection from the publisher who also sent me a book with the rejection. Very strange. And the book is a historical romance by Katherine O'Neal (someone i've never heard of before) called The Art of Seduction. I was upset by the rejection...even cried over it. Well, it's all very sad. Why must EVERYTHING i attempt fail miserably??? I know, i know, it's not everything. I just like making grand sweeping generalizations. But anyways, i was feeling bad up until i actually decided to look at this book. The writing isnt compelling, nor does it resonate with the period. It reads like a contemporary novel. I think it's supposed to be a new line of sexier/erotic romance, but i didnt find it so. Actually, i thought, why am i feeling bad when they publish crap like this?

We live in a time where it doesnt take real talent to succeed. Look at Jessica Simpson ... what's her talent? Two boobs? Great. Even monkeys have those. So glad we applaud what's laudable. Or Paris Hilton...what's her reason for fame? Daddy's pocket book? The fact that she can have sex in front of a camera? Again, even monkeys do that. Is that what talent is in this day and age?

Ok, i dont know why i'm ranting about the talentless. I just hate rejections. I just have to remember that someone really stupid blew their chances with me.

Oh boy, i'm beginning to sound like one of the losers on American Idol. This can't be good.

Why, again, do i like writing? It's mental ivf, if you think about it. For months you pump yourself up with drugs (or a story you think is fantastic) and then in the end it fails to achieve the positive results you were hoping. Writing keeps me connected to this constant, illusive carrot.

I wonder what it will be like when i finally taste it ... because i've already decided that it's mathematically impossible to fail at ivf AND publishing. I think there's a theorem some where...if one fails miserably for all time at ivf, then one will eventually succeed in something else.

Oh blah dee.

Go Bears!

2007-01-31T18:17:00.000-08:00

No one appreciates high art like a Chicagoan.

Babies Are Stressful

2007-01-28T14:26:00.000-08:00

My sister came over yesterday with her husband and baby...and, strangely, i felt nothing drudge up from my own infertile woes. I did not wish i was in her shoes; i did not wish to have a baby; i did not lament for a single second that we are forever childless. Isn't that odd? Especially when i've been telling y'all how sad i've been about this little infertile factoid of ours?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sister has not had an easy time of it. I've never seen a baby cry 24 hours straight with 10 minute breaks only for sleep. He's better now but still uncomfortable with the prospect of suckling and pooping.

But he's much much better. So much so, we were even able to go out for dinner with nary a peep from him. But just watching her with him, i felt so stressed out. And i have another friend who's pregnant and i feel so stressed out for her. I dont know how she's going to manage, working full time and juggling a toddler and a newborn. She plans on quitting her job but i cant imagine how she can afford to do so. Stress, stress, stress.

So, here i am feeling stressed out for all these new moms. I do not envy them at the moment. I do not even want that. I want to get some peace and quiet back into my life, settle back into a routine, sell a novel or something and launch a new career as a writer because frankly i don't know how i would be able to have a baby and work full time. And it's not that i have grand ideas about being a supermom who works full time and has a family (i'm really the opposite), but i can't afford not to work at the moment, unless of course we can sell our novel and then maybe i can work from home as a writer.

So, i guess the moral of the story is that i would like to be able to afford to have a baby in the first place. Yes, having them is nice and all, but not when the bills keep you up at night. I mean, i guess it's still nice on some level even then, but not as nice.

Well then, i guess it's a good thing that i cant afford a baby because we aint having any anytime soon anyway. So there!

Sometimes, It's Just Better Not to Procreate

2007-01-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

American Idol has value far beyond its apparent goal to find America's next superstar. It really makes you re-examine whether you really want to have children after all. I mean, sometimes i wonder, who are these people's parents? Couldnt their parents have told them that they cant sing? That they shouldnt embarrass themselves on public television to discover what's patently obvious? No, of course not, because those parents are standing right next to them, encouraging them on.

These have been my thoughts all day. On yesterday's episode, there was one girl who was tone deaf and could not sing a single note in key. The judges asked her about this and she said she knew she couldnt sing, but she wanted to be the first American Idol that took a tone deaf person and made her a singing superstar. This is a new level of ridiculous even for AI. She knows she cant sing but she wants to win a singing competition. And then she has the gall to be outraged when they say no.

Where are her parents?

Sometimes, it's just better not to procreate than unleash more stupidity onto the world. I worry about that sometimes because i'm not immune to stupidity myself...shocking, but true. Of course, i hope that if i were ever blessed with a child that i would do everything right and he/she would turn out to be a wonderfully well-adjusted happy human being. But we all know the odds of that happening in this modern day and age of instant gratification and overstimulation are probably as good as winning the American Idol competition, even if i were to overcome the already incredible odds of having a child despite our permanent infertility (insert MIRACLE here). There is that part of me that wonders what would happen if i became a parent and screwed it all up? Would my sole contribution to humanity be an addition to American Idol's slush piles?

Deep thoughts that keep me up at nights. Tonight, i am happy to be childless and free from this worry. I dont have to worry about anyone's peace of mind but my own. It's not by choice, but it is its own blessing. If i have not yet achieved peace of mind, how can i possibly presume to pass it on to anyone else?

Human beings can be so arrogant at times, so enamored with our own self-worth and blind to our faults. Thank God, we are loved nonetheless.

Reprieve

2007-01-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

So, it appears that suddenly this massive gaping wound is scabbing over. I no longer feel like crying every single moment of the day. In fact, I can go a whole entire day without crying about it. And sometimes, I can even begin to see and feel the road I was once on before this past year’s trip through the rabbit hole of ivf.

But how does a large open bleeding wound suddenly begin to close? And why?

Well, my friends, I’m not ashamed to admit that it may have a little to do with my drug of choice…escapism. For the past week, I have returned to an old guilty pleasure—romance novels, where happily-ever-after endings are guaranteed or your money back. So far, I’m downing one a day. And when I’m not doing that, I am drowning my mind in music. My current favorite selection (to be linked when I can figure it out):

LET IT BE

When I find myself in times of trouble,

mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness

she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people

living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted

there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy,

there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music,

mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

It's a MIRACLE!!!!

2007-01-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well, apparently miracles DO happen. Just not to me. Oh, did you think I was referring to me? Silly Rabbits.

But, what’s a nice staunchly IF girl to think? Here she is riding the internet and clickin along when she comes across a blog wherein the exact miracle she was waiting for happened to someone else. Of all things! Didn’t I just say that I believe in miracles! Didnt I?

But, but, but, I have this other weird belief about miracles. They're like lightening. Don’t ask, I had a weird fantasy filled childhood (dreaming about my future children…nuff said). But, isn’t it true though, miracles occur as often as lightning strikes? I mean, first I gotta believe in miracles and now I gotta believe that the same miracle that literally just happened to someone else is going to happen to me? Really? And just how often do you hear about IF miracles on the net? As often as lightning strikes, I’d say.

It’s just so very ironic that the moment I said I wanted a miracle, I saw someone else get it, oh me of little of faith.

"Do you believe now, Neo?"

Woo-Fricken-hoo, It's 2007!

2007-01-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

I spoke with a friend this weekend, talked about the fact that i cant get over the hope we had last year. I cant give it up. I still want to believe there's hope. And i cant stop crying about it. She reminded me that it's like the death of a child or a loved one, that she had a friend who's mother died at a young age and she cried every day for a year. Cried.Everyday.For.A.Year. I guess that's what 2007 has in store for me. Good times.

What's worse is the feeling that i will cry about this foreover. FOREVER. It only seems right, since i've wanted kids forever. But my friend re-assured me that it wont be forever, just a year--a good long year. She says that i need to give myself sometime and not be surprised at how long this is taking.

And yet, it's so difficult to grieve this. No one understands and no one appreciates what a trauma this has been for me. People are just blah.

But i did finally get a sense that, maybe, just maybe, it is, in fact, true that we will never have kids. I did finally feel a dent in all the hope that was built over this last year. It's a sobering thought. And sometimes i can hold on to it long enough to get some perspective on this. And sometimes i just want to go back to glorious hope. I have always been a hopeful person. It goes against my grain to give it up.

In the meantime (i mean when we are not crying), we are crabby. Yes, yes, it's true. I know this is so rare for me, but we are experiencing the terrible (thirty)-Two's, as Kris puts it. And, i just want to rant about how the world and the people in it suck. What's wrong with that? Huh?

For instance, i emailed a homeopathic doctor that i found out about six days ago about maybe, perhaps, there's a homeopathic solution to our infertile woes, right? Why does it take her six days to say she "has more experience with female problems" and that my husband should find a homeopathic doctor closer to home. Well thank-fricken-you! Gee, i waited six days to hear nonsense. I HATE when that happens. And i have said nothing about the other homeopathic doctor I emailed twice two months ago with no response. I hate irresponsible people. They're just stupid.

Also, i am so frustrated by the fact that i returned from vacation to get dumped on at work. Namely, i (and the rest of my team) have to pick up the load for the slackers. Why? Am i also going to get to pick up some of their pay (which is far greater than mine, considering that they have that y-factor goin on)? Well, no, sillies. What country are you in? A country of gender equality and fairness? Ha! Hahahahahahahahahah!

Ok, that covers the moment's frustrations. I am also on very little restful sleep and battling the onslaught of bronchitis. Whoop-dee-doo!

Open Letter

2007-01-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Giada,

How on earth do you expect anyone to take anything you say seriously when all anyone sees when you speak are your boobs? What are you selling, your recipes or your cleavage? I turn on the food network channel and i dont know if i'm watching a cooking show or a sex show with a little cooking on the side. Are you perhaps overcompensating? Maybe you want to distract the audience so they dont question the actual content of your show?

Get a sweater, girl, and save your boobs for your man, unless you really like all those wackos on you-tube comments salivating all over you. Disgusting.

FS

Wherefore Art Thou...

2007-01-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

Didnt you always think that "wherefore art thou Romeo" meant "where are you Romeo?" It should, imho.

I have been on a sweet three week vay-kay-shee-yon...to a place where the sun dont stop shinin. And we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun. Yeah, baby. John Lennon had it goin on.

Sorry about the sudden departure and utter absence of my posts. It was crazy getting out of here in those last two weeks. I had to work weekends to get all my files in order to leave and hope that no catastrophe took place in my absence. That's always fun--coming home to a greater mess than you left.

But, thank God, that was not the case...as of yet. I'm still slogging through the 200 emails that have accumulated.

In other news, we are pathetically awaiting a miracle. No seriously, that's not a euphism for something new in the ttc department. I'm really praying really hard for God to give us miracle. What's wrong with that? It could happen!

And yes, three weeks of sun does not really put a dent in the daily crying, in case you all were wondering. In fact, i had many nights of uncontrollable and unforseeable crying. It's like everything and anything can make me cry.

But, i'm okay with that. I see it as part of the grieving process. In this phase, we are expending a great amount of liquid sorrow. So be it. It's far better than holding it in...not that i was. It's very strange, but it's really like a delayed reaction. At first, i had no tears, or very little. My life didnt really feel much different. It was back to being childless as usual. But now, i feel so broken hearted, so unbelievably broken hearted, i just cry--a lot.

And you know what, that's ok. I'm done with trying to figure it all out. I just know that if that's what's going on with me, then fine. It's okay to be me.

Move Along, Nothing To See Here, Except aTrain Wreck--If You're Into That

2006-12-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

I know it's been so long. And i've missed y'all. I've been really out of it. Crying all the freakin time for no freakin reason too. It's been an awesome time. I just wake up and cry and go to bed and cry. Everyone should try that. It's not so bad once you get used it, really. But, that's what happens when you cant ever have kids. That's the low down. For the rest of your life your will cry about it. So happy fricken life.

In other news, my sis had a baby boy, God bless him and her. I dont want to get into too much because it doesnt really bother me too much (ha!). It's been a very rough few weeks, for me and her. First off, she didnt want me in the delivery room. i dont know, it would've been nice. But she didnt want that. She didnt want anyone but her husband. That's her choice. She didnt have a clue about delivery. She didnt have a clue about birth. She was busy studying for a phd when the labor pains struck.

But, i'm glad she delivered safely and well. The baby had a hell of a first week, with dangerous jaundice causing him to be readmitted to the hospital and a horrendous time latching onto the nipple, and still struggling. And then a nice case of colic to boot. This has not been a fun week for my sis, nor do i envy it.

But, i am, in general, just totally out of it. I still want to have a baby. WANT IT. I want it as an adult. It's no longer the childhood dream. It's a part of my adult life. It's just something i want, ok! Hence the daily crying.

In other news, it's been crazy busy at work. Some lawyer we retained totally dropped the ball causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in loss. It's been a very stressful time because, basically, i have to assert that he committed malpractice and, of course, his firm staunchly disagrees. Let the mud slinging begin! I love a little mud with coffee in the morning.

What else...well, i am feeling sad about no longer being a part of the IF community, though i am one half of one of the most infertile couples on the planet. That should make me queen or president or something. And yet, so much of the IF community is ivf. i dunno. Permanent infertility doesnt have mass appeal like plain old vanilla infertility, with it's dollop of hope. Hope is the thing. Everyone has hope for everyone and you want to see the IFers succeed. But there's no such journey here. No such hope. So move along. I know from first hand experience that life without hope is uninteresting.

Except, well, we are going back to the drawing board. I fundamentally believe that there is a cure for male factor infertility. I dont know if i'll see it my life time (ha ha!) but i believe that there's an herbal remedy somewhere somehow. Is that silly? I mean, am i being hopelessly hopeful?

But i am. That's just me. I think that we should always try some herbal remedy or something until the very end. Only now, i am realistic about the chances. I know what our chances are. It's why i cry every day.

So, where does that leave us? Meandering, like this post. But, i must leave y'all with one final meandering comment before I submerge again. The Break Up totally SUCKED! God, where does one begin to parse out the abysmal failure of that movie. It's like a mobius strip of stupidity. First off, Vince and Jen have no chemistry whatsoever. I never bought their real life relationship. It was all a publicity stunt to for the movie (like Bennifer was for Gigli). And thank God Vinciffer finally fessed up to their own break up. I wish they would be honest and say there was never anything between them to begin with.

But i digress. The characters in the movie have absolutely nothing in common (SHOCKER!), though the writers and actors try to act like they do. Frankly, i never understand why she went with him--his character was not endearing. Everything about this movie was awkwardness. Except, they tried not to be awkward. And the actual break up was all a misunderstanding, not what the girl intended, until the very end, when ...spoiler...he finally comes around and confesses undying love for her, and she decides, with tears in her eyes "but i dont feel the same way."

Weird and awkward movie. The two main characters part amicably at the end. They meet up accidentally on the street 6 months later, and make more awkward small talk, and part ways again. People, they should never have been together to begin with, but since you brought them together and made the audience root for them to stay together, then why split 'em up? Huh? Why? STUPID. It's plot cheating, aka, lazy (crappy) writing.

ok, gotta run, time for the nightly deluge.

Time Out: Celebrity Gossip

2006-11-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

So the Fertile Soul gets a day off. What does she do? She catches up on all the celebrity news of course. Where does one begin with all this foddor between The View, Clay Aiken, Kelly Rippa, Michael Richards, and celebrity infertility story to boot? First off, i love Rosie O'Donnell. I just love her. So, naturally, ever since she joined the View, i began to record the View. I still dont actually get to watch it, but on occasion, i get a day off and i'm bored and i thumb through my recordings. On yesterday's episode, apparently, they were talking about Kelly Rippa's tiff with her guest co-host Clay Aiken (American not-Idol). And then they showed the clip of what Clay did to tick Kelly off.

Apparently, she was not letting him get a word in edge wise during their interview with the winners of Dancing with the Stars. Soooo, to get her to stop talking or firing questions, he thought it would be cute if he put his hand over her mouth to physically shut her up. Ha. Ha.

But Kelly would have none of that and i really really respect that she instantly just stopped the questioning, gave him a look, shook her head (eyes bugging out), and said "Oh, that's a no-no." He said "oh, i'm in trouble now. I should just sit back here." But then he awkwardly tries to change the subject by asking questions of the winners from DWTS. But Kelly joked back, "saying, no, i just dont know where that hand has been."

Which is so true! Seriously, people dont wash their hands enough. And if you're a celebrity, you're most likely shaking A LOT of strange hands. Donald Trump in general has a policy against hand shakes.

So good for Kelly for not sitting back and accepting that treatment, even though it caused a scene on live tv. So what. She didnt like the treatment she was getting, and she stood up for it.

But then, Rosie O'Donnell said on her show that Kelly's comment (i dont know where that hand has been) was a homophobic comment. and that she would not have said that if he'd been Mario Lopez. The other women disagreed with Rosie, and, on this one, sorry Rosie, i do too. It's the flu seaon and people are just gross in their hygeine, straight or not. Disgusting hygeine habits do not discriminate and affects all people regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation.

And then, while the View is on, Kelly calls into the View and disagrees with Rosie saying that she should know better than tell the American people that her behavior was homophobic, when it was natural to not want another man place his hand on one's mouth, regardless of whom that man sleeps with at night. Rosie kept her position, that from her point of view, as a gay person, that it was homophobic.

My pov is this, Rosie, you're a little sensitive to all things potentially homophobic. The fact that something may be schewed into a homophobic reaction does not necessarily make it so. You need to take a breath and be more objective. I think you take this one way too personally.

Onto other topics. The co-host on the View was Sherri Shepherd (comedien/actress). She was funny. But she told this story about her baby. He's 19 months old now and they show his picture. And she's like, i love my baby. And i'm thinking, man, does everyone just have kids to talk about??? But then she goes on to say that she delivered him at 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. He weighed a pound and was born with bleeding on both sides of his brain, and that because of this he was going to have severe cerebal palsy, severe mental retardation, shunts in his brain, operations, holes in his intestines and "we were going to pull the plug and let him go." (At this point i'm balling.) And then she said that before pulling the plug she asked God "God, i'm going to give this baby to you, but i've been praying so long for a baby, if you could give me a miracle.... And when we went to go pull the plug to let him (the baby) go to heaven to be with his sister because i lost his sister too, the doctor came in to say that the black hole in his intestine was healed and that his intestines were pink and healthy. And when the doctor said that i knew that God was saying to me that he comes home (to heaven) when i say he comes home, not when you say."

Kleenex! Someone pass the tissue! Good Lord, God is great.

And then, finally, Breaking Bonaduce. I know, i know, what am i doing watching reality tv, right? I should spend my time more "wisely." Well, sometimes you get suckered in. Did you know that that Danny Bonaduce married his wife on the first date because she said that she cant have sex with him unless they were married? So they got married and the next morning, he wakes up to this woman by his side and is like "who is you?" and she's like "i'm Mrs. Bonaduce." And so the romance began.

But, i just have to say this because no one is saying it on that show, his wife does not want to be with him. Ok, they are kind of saying that, but only because he has anger management issues, once cheated on her, and had some addictions to intoxicants of some sort. They're trying to deal with that and still stay married, and for the most part he's gone to rehab and they're all in therapy. But, the whole show is about his psychological issues and them dealing with his psychological issues. So you mean to say, that once he's cured "his" problems, she'll be okay with him? Because, she has no problem of her own?

Her issues are blatant, and i'm just wondering, when is the therapist going to key into that? She is in complete mommy mode...you know what i mean? You know when you get into mommy mode, and chop your lovely locks into a boy cut, and start wearing ugly mommy pants that reach your armpits like Steve Urkel? Ok, she's not doing the mommy pants or boy cut, but everything else that exudes from this woman is asexual. And that's not Bonaduce's fault. That wont be healed or cured by his therapy. When all is said and done and he does become whole, she will still not be interested in him. That's the ultimate tragedy of this story, unless she turns around and realizes that she's lost herself to motherhood and needs to resurface as a complete woman.

Those are my thoughts on my day off. Now it's off time to cook. yay!

Oh wait, how can i possibly forget Michael Richards, huh? What a *!@&#*!#@. I just cant believe all the vile garbage he spewed on us like that. What the F#*$&! What's wrong with that guy? Get yourself into therapy, man, and out of the lime light. The media is focusing on how, oh, at least Richards takes responsbility for his actions and doesnt blame substance abuse. I'm sorry, but Michael Richards DELIBERATELY THOUGHT THOSE UGLY THINGS, deliberatley repeated the N-word OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He was not under the influence of any drug. He knew exactly what he was saying and it was vile and he kept at it. Mel Gibson was drunk. There's a difference in intentionality here. The media is trying to paint Mel Gibson's racial slurs as worse because he says he was drunk (which was true, hence the dui and the cop who reported the comments) but i dont see how they are worse (especially since Mel Gibson apologized and accepted responsbility for it, saying that what he said was despicable, not that it was excusable because he was drunk). But it is, in fact, WORSE when you say that stuff with a straight face, meaning every last damn word.

Now i'm done with the gossip review.

A Gift From OHSS!

2006-11-20T04:01:00.000-08:00

First, after IVF 2 cancellation on August 14, we got a nice parting gift of OHSS. Sweet, huh? Now, it turns out, OHSS left me with a nice parting gift, a big fat ovarian cyst. I havent read about this occurring to others (but it might have missed my radar), but in case you're curious, i know what the symptoms are.

It turns out that the extra dose of pms i've been having the past few months are related to the extra hormones that are still coursing through my body. I blame this on the extra dose of menopure that was added to ivf 2 for the extra umph. Anyway, pms has been really bad. It starts out 2-3 weeks before my period. I get really bloated, and my breasts swell and HURT for a good 10 days of the time. Then we have ravenous hunger, where we need to eat half a cake and then half a bag of chips. It's all the symptoms i had when i was actually ON THE DRUGS.

So this month, i do nothing out of the ordinary, and i'm standing in the washroom to wash my hands, when i bend over and POP. I thought i pulled a vertebrate low in my back. I couldnt move. What happened? I'm so outta shape, my office chair is killing me. I dont know. Then the next day, my entire lower abdomen is aching me. I thought i pulled a muscle that just tugged on my stomach. I had no idea.

It turns out, i discovered after a week of this, that i had popped a cyst...or so i think. The ultrasound shows A LOT of fluid in my belly. And the doctor said that it looks like the situation was resolving itself. But, man o man, my ovary was aching me. I think i had more than one, or something, because the THROBBING wouldnt stop. And then, i'm wondering, WHY is it THROBBING so much. The doctor said it would resolve itself, but this doesnt feel like resolution. This feels like a massive complaint session.

Anyway, fun times in the fertile soul. Remind me to NEVER EVER do ivf again. Stupid ivf. I hate ivf. I think ivf is really a torture mechanism. And i hate all the "kind" encouragement i received to actually do ivf. I hate kind encouragement. And, and i hate the people who give kind (read blind) encouragement too.

Ok, that last one aint so true. I just hate the situation.

PTSS 1: Post Traumatic Shower Syndrome

2006-11-13T04:41:00.000-08:00

So we started to feel better, shortly after our last rant. Who knew a good rant could be so cleansing. I need to do these more often, just to keep it all real. Then, i suppose i should also change my name to the Snarky Soul.

But let me recap the last week. After the last post, the good ole sil gave birth to a boy on Friday (baby shower weekend). Actually, i was feeling very okay about it. It's the buildup towards the event that starts to raise my anxiety levels. But once i'm in the baby event, i'm very cool about it.

So the next day, Saturday, was the great bake off before the shower. I made a 4 tiered cake, with the bottom being a chocolate cake, the next level being a buttercream and strawberry filling cake, and the top two layers being a banana chocolate chip cake--all frosted in a chocolate buttercream ganache. And each guest was served a slice of each. I wont post any pictures because i was disappointed in the final "look." First off, they tell you to "just use dowels" to separate each cake. Um, they neglect to say that you need to pull out your saw to make the dowels the required length. The dowels alone were the most difficult thing about it all, and that was done sunday morning, where i didnt really have time to learn about the difficulties of dowel cutting. The cake was just short of being the leaning towers of cakes. But it wasnt. In the end, it just didnt turn out as fantastic as it was in my head. Oh well. After all that baking, i thought i wouldnt want to bake again for a long long time. Finally, i found something to cool the passion for baking.*

But here's the interesting thing i want to note and remember. After all that baking and frosting on Saturday, where i think i stood nonstop the whole day (which is actually a nice break from the sitting nonstop all week), i was really exhausted at 1 am, when i went to bed. My sister and her husband came over to help out with final preparations around the house, which gave me the freedom to do the cakes in the first place. And, it was good that i gave myself such a time-consuming project. I was able to channel my pre-event anxiety into something productive and i felt good about it...except, when i went to bed.

As i lay there waiting to fall asleep, it suddenly hit me, like it never hit before (but it has) OH MY GOD, MY SISTER IS HAVING A BABY BEFORE ME. And i started to cry all over again. Sometimes, i just cant believe that. I just really really believed in a different reality, a different future. I had a dream once over ten years ago, and i interpreted it to mean that we would have children together. And i clung on to that idea as if it were the truth. So i never imagined i would be in this position, just sitting by and watching my sister as she gets to build her family. And, i have to live with this for the rest of my life. It's not like this altered reality will go away. This is the new truth, the real truth.

And, as this truth hit me, a part of me was like "no, no, wait, maybe, just maybe, you're pregnant. Hold on and do the math." Mind you, i just got off my period. There is no math to do. There's just denial. In that moment, i just wanted to deny it and live in my old fantasies about the future--that there is one with me and a whole passel of my own kids.

So we had us a good ole cry to sleep.

Then the shower itself was fine. Very busy and fine. Nothing to really say about it. Nothing i lamented or felt bad about, honestly. Well, except, that there were 5 pregnant women there. And they're all due in December/January. How odd, right? In a party of 25 women, 1 in 5 was pregnant. But that didnt bother me much either. Except for my sister, all of them were on their second or third child. So talking about babymaking and children did not really interest them. If it did, i didnt hear anything about it.

But what i did notice was how out of touch i've been with my "friends." I dont think i could muster up such a crowd even if i had to. That disappointed me. But it's not entirely my fault--well, i guess, that's a subject for a later post. Sigh.

*I was wrong, as i discovered this weekend. I was ready to dive right back into baking.

PTSS 2: Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrome

And so now it's back to life as usual. Except, what is life as usual? We were still trying to figure that out. Before, life as usual was filled with so much hope and promise. Now life as usual is about the business of moving on. And, well, it's not that fun, and it's lonely, and isolating, and not as interesting as planning for a future with children. And there are some days where it's just downright boring.

Part of this has to do with the current state of my writing. At the end of September, i started a screenplay about a woman struggling with ivf. By the beginning of October, i finished it. Actually, i wrote it in 10 days. TEN DAYS. My application to graduate school took longer to write. But, i was inspired. Sometimes, when you get in the creative zone, time stands still and all that matters is the task at hand. But ten days? And, mind you, i'm not really a writer. Well, it's not something i aspired to be when i was younger. It's not a skill i had any faith in. It's something i have always always encouraged in others, but not myself. I never felt i could do it.

Regardless of what i thought about myself, my creativity put a lid on it for a mo and let the right side of my brain free.

And so, i wrote a screenplay. I have been querying it, but querying hollywood all the way from this side of the mississippi, is like trying to fish from your car. And, it's daunting. The process is worse than trying to get your novel published. It's even more isolating and lonely. You mean now that i've accomplished this miracle, i actually have to convince people about it? Convincing people to be interested in me has never been my strong suit. Take, for example, my close and loving relationship with my parents. Nuff said.

So after that burst of inspiration followed by a sleu of queries, i feel incredibly deflated and let down. I guess you could say i'm suffering from Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrom. Disappointment all over again. Why do i choose a creative realm frought with so much disappointment?

If i ever do succeed with my novel and screenplay, i think i'm going to need therapy just to deal with the absence of disappointment.

So, i guess you could say, currently, we are and have been a little deflated. Said deflation is not really related to infertility, but i just like to blame infertility for all my disappointments. It's such an easy scapegoat. And while i'm at it, i could get mad at my sister for having the gall to ruin my dream and move on with her life without me. But, i wont. Because that we be wrong. And it would only hurt me in the long run.

It's just that i feel this tremendous emptyness where my children were supposed to reside. And it's hard to stave off bitterness, when my heart is desperate for fulfillment of any kind, be it good for me or not.

But, i want it to be good before me because the last time i filled my empty heart, i wrongly filled it with the promise of children, and look what that's done for me.

No, no, i will wait until i can feel the real fulfillment. Until then, we will be empty and patient.

A Glutton for Gluten

2006-10-31T16:43:00.000-08:00

For lunch today, we went to Macy's and had a monstersize chocolate cupcake (which comes with a mountain of chocolate frosting), cheese ravioli, mac & cheese, and garlic mashed potatoes (dont stand too close to me). What brought on this gluttony in spite of my low tolerance for gluten? Well, we are depressed. Yes, yes, it's for real. I once said "we" recently to a friend when she asked "how's the novel", i said "we have moved onto other projects." She stopped mid conversation to say "who is we?" Well, silly, it's me, myself and i. So, y'all, all three of us are in the dumps.

So, what induced this royal slip into the abyss? Well, dont you know? I cant have kids. Ha ha. Funny, aint it. So funny. And then, this upcoming weekend, the wonderful, thoughtful Fertile Soul decided to host her sister's baby* shower ... in her very own house ... and bake the cake too. I know, i'm just ridiculous. But, in all fairness to the dear sis, i am the only sister ... well, the only adult sister. And, what was i to do? Just not let her have one? And she doesnt live near me anymore but all her friends do. So, either i do it, or there's nothing, right? I just couldnt not do it. I just couldnt. And, i was feeling up to it when i said i would. Seriously. I thought i would be okay.

But, now, suddenly, i get a bill in the mail from my last ivf of THREE MONTHS AGO and i cant stop balling. Trick or Treat! Here's a bill for $1500 because your insurance company DENIED coverage.

I guess, i've been feeling financially stressed. The house gets messy easily (ie the boudoir) because we need some new furniture. Our bedroom dressers were left over from dh's childhood. Yeah, do you know how old that is? Let's just say that this furniture is from the 60s. I need new furniture because i need enough space to fit everything. ok? So i cant throw anything out and i'd rather buy more furniture than throw stuff out, so?! You wanna make something of it??--this is the inner dialogue we struggle with. It's not easy being me. Just buy some new furniture already and be happy! No, we must have this internal debate that lasts a decade and another decade to decide the perfect "set" to buy ... speaking of which, i saw this awesome leather/cherrywood sleigh bed ....mmmmmmmm, nice. Could i get a king size bed, while i'm at it? Yeah, i'm probably the last person on earth who still sleeps on a queen. What was i thinking? I'll tell you. When i got married i was very much a hippy dippy girl and decided the floor would be fine. Yes, the Fertile Soul is such a simple girl at heart. So, she slept on the floor for the first 4 years, when she finally decided a bed was in order. So a queen bed was a HUGE improvement over the floor.

In defense of the q-bed, i think i will miss it if i ever graduate to a king. Sometimes i think i want a king just so i can rollover without asking dh to move over in the process. But then, i'll miss all the cuddling. Does anyone cuddle anymore on a king? I'd be too lazy to scoot over. Once my head hits the pillow, that's it, i'm not moving.

In other news, what's up with Ryan and Reese! I havent been this sad since Jessica and Nick. Actually, i'm mad. Work it out people! Work it out. Did you hear that married people are in the minority? I'm thrilled to be a part of that minority. People should marry, i say.

Ok, Dancing With the Stars is on, which I AM NOT WATCHING, but what the heck are these women wearing??? And then they have these dance moves where the women time their kicks at exactly the same moment that the camera flashes them, so you basically have a re-enactment of Sharon Stone in Basic Instincts except with underwear (only i wouldnt know since i've never actually seen that movie, thank God). Women, why must you debase yourselves and get sucked into doing soft porn on prime time? Like, i'm definitely not watching this stuff with my dh, cuz the only Basic Instincts he needs to see are mine. ... But then , i guess, that explains why marriage is on the decline. What's so special about it, when all the salacious parts are on prime time free for all?

Anyway, i'm off to go see a movie because it's been a while and i'm in a craptastic mood and i cant stand to stay home and watch garbage.

Also, how come only 3 people came to my house for trick or treating when there's about 5 kids in every house on our block? I think i live on the most fertile block on the planet....hence, my escape to the dark room of a theater and into the life of someone else.

*Update: I initially typed bridal shower, but that was so last year. It's now time for the baby shower. I detect a freudian slip in there somewhere, but i cant figure it out.

The Hershey Kiss

2006-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

I eat Hershey's kisses everyday with my tea or coffee. It's my chocolate compromise. Not too fatty and melts in your mouth with a nice hot cup of mint tea or dunkin donuts coffee. Today i learned a little more about the man behind the morsel. And he was not a capitalist corporate tycoon, as one--namely myself--might stereotypically think.

He was, in fact, a man born in the mid 19th century who took up candy making, opened a candy store and failed...yes, utterly failed after six years. He was at the time only 24. He continued to seek candy making business and ventures through the years until learning the value of fresh milk when combined with carmel. By the turn of the century, he'd become so successful, he sold his candy making carmel company for $1 million. He also fell in love with a woman fifteen years his junior (not unlike the age difference between yours truly and dh). So, at 40 and 25, they married; and he was said to be as devoted to his lovely wife as he was to his chocolates, which he continued to make despite the sale of the carmel company. He went on to build a large chocolate manufacturing company and village and bank and department store and park and zoo and churches and golf courses--a whole community, literally.

Him and his wife were also said to have been deeply saddened by their infertility that they quietly built a school for orphaned boys, for which they devoted much of their energy. It wasn't until the wife's death did it become widely known that they had donated their fortune to a trust that runs that school.

Today, the Milton Hershey School sits on 10,000 acres, owns 31.4% of Hershey Foods, controls 76% of the corporation's voting shares, owns 100% of Hershey Entertainment and Resort, and is home to 1100 boys and girls.

Now, that's a legacy. You can have failures in your life. You can suffer infertility--be childless and completely cutoff from progeny--and still be one of the most widely recognized names on the planet and a great philanthropic humanitarian well after you're gone.

A Little Down, A Little Out

2006-10-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

So the past few weeks, i wake up every single day with sore bloated breasts. They're unavoidable. It's the first thought i have, "oh my God, where did these come from?" This state of bloat lasted for two weeks. Two whole weeks of waking up and wondering what all the bloat was about.

And then yesterday, i get it. Sigh. It's okay. It's just ... i dunno ... add to that a good dosage of pms and you've got a slippery slide down.

Anyway, that's where i've been. Picking myself back up. yadda yadda yadda. What's new. Same old lovely cycle. This time i got suckered because my body raised the question everyday over 2 prolonged weeks. I'll know better next time. I'll know better. I think. I hope.

Miscellaneous Thoughts and What-nots

2006-10-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

In today's game of tag, i've been asked to give my initial reaction to four words chosen by Baby Blue, my tagger. So here goes.

Dive: swim, backyard pool, feeling of release, fun, summer
Blue: favorite color, my first car, love it, the sky, what more can I say
Apple: not my favorite fruit. Havent had one in ages, although the green ones are very tasty. But dh loves the caramelled ones
Hot: chocolate. Is there anything else?

On the subject of chocolate, me likes it. A lot. I'm the mikey of chocolate. I'll eat anything. I'm like the chocolate monster. In recent chocolate news, i made a chocolate chip banana cake. I didnt take any pictures because it didnt turn out as pretty as i thought(I can only have pretty food on my blog, I have standards!), but it was d-lish.

On the subject of food and blog, i'm thinking of starting a food blog. Just something where i photograph my latest creations and/or flops. It's in the works. My people will call your people. But first, i've got to get around to visiting the good ole kitchen a little more often, clear some cobwebs and left over dishes, kill a few hundred fruit fries.

On the subject of pesty fruit flies, i've become a fruit fly killer. And i'm proud of it. Sorry, when you live with those pests for a weeks on end with narry a banana in sight, terminating becomes your sole mission. In my research and training to become the fruit fly commando, i discovered the perfect weapon ... rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle. It momentary disables them while you swoop in for the squish. I am down to my last fruit fly, i think.

On the subject of ... well ... what else ... let's see here ... oh, yeah, i've been a little distracted at work. Dont know where that's coming from here. Feeling a little slow and out of it.

On the subject of fertility and babymaking, i am still feeling very confident that this is not something i want to do in the near future. I have just been let off this rollercoaster ride of hormonal mania, and i want to enjoy a nice walk in the park before i ever get back on it. Said walk may take a few years, like an aboriginal walkabout in the wildnerness. So, no kids for me in the near future. I'm serious this time. I'm fine without them, thank God, finally.

On the subject of creative pursuits, i finished a screenplay about, among other things, a woman's journey through ivf. It's a story that took a lifetime to create but a short time to write. I am currently trying my hand at querying hollywood all the way from the other side of the mississippi. I wonder if my query hook can reach so far without me actually moving off my coach. I dont want to get any additional exercise when i can avoid it. Anyway, i'm starting a new blog about writing and selling. If you're interested in following that adventure, email me.

Oh, one more thing, guess who's hosting my sister's baby shower? Yup, that would be yours truly. But, i'm okay with that. It's upcoming though, the first week of november. I plan on baking a cake. So, hopefully, i will be posting about my cake planning and progress soon. But first, we must clean up the mess around here. I cant have people over like this!

Off the Emotional Rollercoaster

2006-10-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

I spent the evening with two REALLY PREGNANT women today, my sister (due in Dec) and sil (due October). THE.WHOLE.ENTIRE.EVENING. And i was totally ok. Very different from the past, where i would avoid such scenes or at least limit the contact. In the past, it's like i would have a chemical reaction, a biochemical reaction, a meltdown i couldnt avoid or control to anything babywise. So, that's why i would avoid the baby scene as much as possible. But even unavoidable baby scenes, like pregnant women on the street, had the power to make me feel bad. Again, beyond my control, like a chemical reaction. Once it starts, there's no stopping it. There's only suffering through it, riding out the reaction.

But today, it was different. No chemical reaction, no threat of biochemical emotional meltdown. I feel settled. Confident that i am who i am, and that's not defined by children. Children dont make me nor do i need any to complete me. I understand that now. More than that, i feel the truth of it in my soul. And, it's an amazing truth to finally "know." It's almost as if this suffering, all this infertile suffering, has paid off. I gained a truth i could never feel before, a freedom i never had before. I am free of random emotional meltdowns beyond my control. And that is priceless. To be able to spend time with a pregnant woman and be totally unphased? To touch my sister's stomach by the force of her hand dragging me to her belly and to feel my nephew and feel nothing but compassion for him? No thoughts about me and what i dont have. I dont care about that anymore. I'm no longer bound by the trauma of what i dont have.

I am finally off the emotional rollercoaster, something i have wanted for the longest time. Peace of heart. No more being jerked up and down and back and forth by random unpredictable events. I know where the control buttons are, and this journey has been worth that discovery. A gem of knowledge that gives me a greater comfort than i ever imagined possible. A level of peace i never knew.

Sinking Feeling

2006-10-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, you know, i said i was feeling better, right? Well, nothing's changed in that department and it's kind of a little freaky. Really. I waited umpteen years to finally get off the baby wagon and end the baby chase. I mean, umpteen years of monthly unwanted returns of the crimson tide gets a little wearing on the soul, even on the fertile soul. After about the 100th month of disappointment you cant stop, you just pray for relief, relief from the want and the desire. Relief.

But relief is not something you can will sometimes. Well, i couldnt. And now, suddenly it's here, and it's like, wow, never saw that coming. So much so, these past couple of days i have been having waves of anxiety, waves of a sinking feeling in my chest. Like, something terrible is about to happen. I cant be feeling good without murphy's law to unleash its reverse psychology upon me, right?

Anyway, that's where i'm at. Feeling out of place in this new territory of feeling. It's very bizarre, but i aint ever spent this much time in this particular region. So, i feel like a fish out of water. Maybe that's what all the waves of anxiety are about. It feels weird not to think about ovulating or dread the disappointment of my period or wonder whether those abdomenal pangs were implantation.

I feel like i'm having depression withdrawal. My body is say No, wait, i'm so used to nursing a bad feeling. What am i going to do with all this extra time now?!

That's where having other creative outlets is necessary. I am pursuing them, but it's so hard to be focused on my creativity. I cant put all the emphasis on me. I cant give me all that attention. I'm so unused to all this.

But so it is. Suddenly, i got a lot of alone time with me and i know that aint a bad thing. It's just that i spent a lifetime telling myself it was. Hence, the waves of guilt and anxiety: I shouldnt be doing this. I need to be worrying about something.

Orrrrr, i could be having a heart attack and not know it. That's my other hypothesis.

A Recap of LOST

2006-10-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

In case you missed the season premiere of Lost, have no fear, you missed nothin. Case in point, here's a brief example of the ENTIRE EPISODE:

FADE IN:
INT. HOLDING CELL
Jack is climbing the walls of his dank cell, when his captor steps in the room outside his cell.

Jack:

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?"

His Captor is silent but looks at him.
Jack looks at her.
Captor looks at him.
Then Jack looks at her.

FADE OUT: Commercial Break

FADE IN:

Jack:

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Captor looks at him.
Jack looks at her.
Captor looks at him, then turns and leaves the cell.

FADE OUT: Commercial FREAKIN break.

Enough with the suspense already! It's wearing a little thin. I'd like to finally have a question or two answered.

So aggravating.

And, anyone have an @merican E!xpress card and supposedly catch "extra" scenes? I havent seen them, but my bet is if you want to know what was in them, reread the above summary.

But if in the off chance that i am wrong about the special @merican e!xpress scenes (occassionally it has been known to happen) lemme know!

No More Band-Aids

2006-10-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

I think i get it now. Infertility is a test. A monstrous test, one that forces you to face all of your demons. I understand my fears now and they no longer control me, compel me to seek solace in children when i can have it without them, when i can seek it within myself, when i can find it in God.

It's always been a goal of mine to have a relationship with God. Being tested with infertility, the one wish i ever wanted fulfilled, forced me to examine myself and my relationships. I found that the reason i wanted children so badly was to complete me especially since i felt so incomplete in my in relationships with my own parents. I now understand that i no longer need those relationships to complete me. I can complete me, and for me it comes through knowing God (or at least attempting to).

Today i picked up this book about healing your emotional self to heal your physical self. The author says "Tubal problems and problems with fertility are centered on a woman's "inner child," while the tubes themselves are representative of unhealed childhood wounds or unused enery. The flow of eggs can be blocked because of a woman's own inner being is not "old" or nurutured enough, or mature or healed enough, to feel fertile."

It's interesting because i always felt that our infertility was related, on some perhaps psychic level, to me. We didnt always suffer from a low sperm count. There was a time when things appeared normal, and yet, no conception ever occurrred. Ever. And, you know, despite how desperately i've always wanted children, i could never really fully bring myself to pray for it with a full heart, except perhaps once. A part of me held back. A part of me waited. A part of me wanted what God had in store for me, knowing on some subconscious level that God's plan was better for me, despite what i consciously wanted.

And so, the change that i spoke of in my last post, continues. I agree with what y'all said about "keeping busy." There are times when that is essential. But in this particular instance if i kept busy and ignored the spiritual lesson of this test, i would have missed the boat on my healing and done another band-aid job of pulling it all together--until the next time, when God would give me another chance to face my childhood traumas, accept them, heal them, and move on. God is so merciful and i am grateful that I finally listened this time. And i can finally move on.

I dont need band-aids anymore. I am beautiful in spite of my scars. And i am beautiful because of them. My scars no longer hurt and i can finally get on to the real purpose of my life on earth (God willing).

I cant wait.

Oh, What a Feeling

2006-09-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

Um ... hello everyone... i'm a little embarrassed to ask, but has it really been more than two weeks since my last post??? Jeez Louis, is that why no one visits anymore? And here i was thinking it had something to do with the fact that this exciting adventure through ivf kingdom has suddenly flatlined. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And, who wants to read about an infertile bemoaning the fact that she's infertile, right?

For instance, it probably wont interest you to know that it's been 4 weeks since the ivf cancellation. And you know what i noticed? The world goes on. I mean, this is like the hugest calamity to befall us, and the world has the unmitigated gall to go on, as if nothing happened. How dare you! Really! I'm kind of mad, when i think about it. Because, the world does revolve moi, doesnt it?!

I feel like i'm in that scene from the Matrix where Neo is dropped into the middle of a bustling downtown city street with people walking past him. A part of me just wants to stop and scream, "People, people, stop! What are you doing? Don't you know, we cant have children of our own?! I think y'all better go home now and mourn this great loss to humanity. Pronto!" God, some people gotta lot of nerve going back to work like nothing happened.

And then, last week i downloaded this and i cant get the song outta my head. I connected with it on some level. So much so that it kind of depressed me, deeply. And for a couple of days there i was thinking man, life just sucks and if only i were nothing but forgotten. Like, what's the point of my life now, huh? ... Yeah, um, depressing. And then i thought, you know what would fix this? I would feel so much better if i could just remodel my kitchen. Seriously, i love to cook and bake, but my kitchen is too tight for me to do any real damage. And, if only my kitchen were all fixed, then i could cook to my heart's delight and i wouldnt be so broken hearted.

So i discussed it with dh. "Dh, guess what! i found a cure for me. Remodeling. So i can do what i really want ... bake."

So you want to feel better by spending money?

No, by baking.

But first you have to spend a ton of money?

A ton? No, not me. i'm not materialistic that way. I'm just making the kitchen more functional, for both of us.

i find it functional now.

B-but i dont. And i'm feeling really bad.

i know honey. I know. But your bad feelings dont stem from a poorly designed kitchen.

I know. I know. I know what you guys are all thinking ... why do we read her, she's nutty! Dh is so right. It's just sooooooooooooo much easier to dream about a better future. That's what i did with kids. I used the prospect of having children to avoid dealing with the bad feelings i had as a kid. Yeah, i figured whatever happened to me in the present didnt matter because when i grew up, i was definitely going to treat my kids right. And that's all that mattered.

And so here i am again, stuck with this awful, dreadful pain. And my immediate reaction is to cover it up with another phantom hope for the future.

But, as dh pointed out, i'm not dealing with what's really bothering me. I'm just postponing it the pain.

So, how do you deal with it? How, Mr.-know-it-all????

Patience.

Agugugugug

And so with no small amount of reluctance, i gave up the dream and i stopped fantasizing about my dream kitchen remodel. I just let the wave of bad feeling wash over me, and nearly drown me (salt water sucks!). Eventually, after you fight the urge to scramble and panic (especially since you've just inhaled some nasty seawater), you do begin to float, if you try to ride it.

And so that was the painful joyride of last week. It helped that i prayed and meditated on this regularly.

This week, i am feeling amazingly better. I no longer see pregnant women and feel bad. I feel nyeh. I feel relieved. And i feel glad on some level. Glad that i no longer lumber around with this huge hole in my heart waiting for it to be finally filled with the joy of my children. I feel relieved of that past burden, of the past want, of the past hurt.

So, this patience thing aint so bad. Patience through pain, though, lemme forewarn you, HURTS ... A LOT. But, it also heals. It's like pulling out a bad tooth.

Once it's out, you feel so much better.

That's not to say that it's all behind me. But i hope, at least, i am on the right road this time to heartbreak recovery, God willing.

I Am Childless

2006-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

There was a knock at my door this evening. Who knocks on doors? Especially when there's a doorbell? It was, i thought, my mom, who i expected. But why didnt she ring the bell? Was the bell broken? Those were my thoughts as i left three pots mid-cooking to answer the door.

It was a little girl. "I want to play with your daughter," she said. Her mother stood behind, in the distance.

"I'm sorry. I dont have one for you to play with," i said, but i wish i did, really i wish i did.

How cute is that? Someone knocked on my door to play with my daughter. It's cute, but very sad.

The girl's mother explained that she had seen a little girl come into this house. At this point in the conversation, my cat ran out. So i dressed (yes, i dont want my neighbors seeing the way i dress at home for the good dh, lower your gaze, people!) and came out, but by then the mother and daughter were moving onto the next house in search of this playmate. It was then that it occurred to me that she must have meant the neighbor's house, with their little girl. I tried to meet the mother, but they were on a mission. I only got as far as getting her daughter's name.

Oh well. I guess if i dont have kids, i'm not worth meeting or getting to know as a neighbor. How many people with kids have time for those without? It's just so convenient to hang out with the parents' of your kids' friends' ... isnt it?

I only wish that i could have answered the door with a different answer. But, no, i have to tell strangers, small children even, i am childless. I am childless. I am childless. I am CHILDLESS.

Sometimes i dont know if i'll ever get over that. Sometimes it really hits me, like the news was just delivered in that moment. Sometimes i wish it wouldnt hit me. Sometimes, i just cant believe that this is my destiny. That i would end up without children. And yet it is, but i dont want to believe it. And i dont want to have false hope for another reality because the past 15 years have proven otherwise or shown how unwise an investment in hope is.

So there will be no child for me. No children for me. I just ... i dunno ... find it sadly ironic that i get a knock on the door from someone who wants to play with my daughter.

If only.

Again With the Scene of the Crime

2006-08-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

I had to go back to the factory clinic TWICE to deal with ohss. My ovaries were enlarged and still are, but the swelling is going down, thank God.

But i hate going back there. It's the place of so much hope and sadness. Today we talked about options and we had the dreaded donor and/or adoption discussion. I'm not ready for all these so called options. A part of me is like, yes, yes, yes, i cant wait, let's go forward, try again, me wannabe mommy, especially when i am back at that place of hope talking to the doctor, especially when i'm talking to the doctor. My RE is so nice. I want to be her friend. I want her to adopt me. And when she starts talkin, i feel like, ahuh, ahuh, yes, yes, ahuh, ahuh, ok, ok, sign me up!!! Time is a tickin and dont want to waste a single fertile moment. Cant waste a fertile moment, right? We got to take advantage of every gosh darn fertile moment that ever was to exist in time.

And if i think long enough about it, i can forget about these past 9 months of agony, about this month in particular being so bad, about the promise i made to myself to be content with good health.

But i cant do that to myself. No matter how attractive the so called lure and regardless of all the lost sand through the hourglass, i know i need a break. I need a freakin break. I dont want to think about anything baby-wise for at least two hundred years. Ok, but i'll settle for two ... years. RE says that if i want to do anything else ivf-wise, it needs to be done in a year, or it's all downhill from there.

But i cant use that as my guide. I cant get on another baby chase out of fear for time when i'm not really sure about myself anymore. It's not that i dont want a baby, but all this wanting has ever done for me is lead to heartbreak. And right now, i dont want another heartbreak, i dont want anymore sadness, i want to refocus my energies onto something else for a while. I want to give something else a chance to be successful or else my life will be forever defined by the collassal failure of us to conceive. It didnt work for us. Time to try something new, time to try an endeavor that has a greater likelihood of bringing joy and happiness into our lives.

I dont know what that endeavor is. I just know that it's not in the babyworld. So for now, i am taking a break and getting back in touch with myself. This was my reaction after the first ivf, but i pressed forward onto the second ivf because time was a factor in a slow case of vanishing sperm.

Anyway, i'll be around as i try to figure out what to do with my life, but i dont think i will be visiting many ivf/ttc sites in the near future. I really appreciate all of your support and kind words, and i wish you all success in your endeavors, baby chases and all.

How Can I Ever Forget The DETAILS

2006-08-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

On the day of retrieval/fresh tese (the day otherwise known as IVF 2 cancellation) i went with dh and a friend to the fresh tese, which was scheduled at 7:30 am. We arrive at 6:10 am. The surgery was expected to last about an hour and half, and my retrieval was scheduled for 11:30.

My friend and i waited for two hours in a crowded waiting room. The ivf clinic had given us the medium they wanted used for the fresh tese, and I carried those in a soft covered black cooler. I knew if the doctor came out with the black bag, then we're set to go for the retrieval. If not, it was over. I was, at the time, incredibly calm. Having suffered through a terrible three weeks, i was glad to finally be at this moment of truth. Either way, i was to be set free.

At about 9:45, the doctor comes into the crowded waiting room, carrying the black bag. And, i thought, oh my God, this is it. THIS IS IT!!! He hands it to me and says "Good luck with the retrieval. Things looked more promising this time..." and some other stuff. I was too focused on what it meant to have the bag of vials in my hand. Oh my God, the cycle is going forward!?

The ivf clinic was 3 miles away from the hospital, and I drove myself and the friend, la la lalala, we're off to see the wizard, and it's all good.

I get to the clinic and hand the vials over. A small part of me still wants to hear from the embryologist that it's all good. The nurse then comes and takes me and my friend back to the same room of the first ivf, just the other bed. I undress and put on the hospital gown. The nurse asks me to read the drug instructions for the rest of the week. I couldnt think straight, let alone read a word on a page.

The nurse comes back after a short while and i ask her if all was well with the vials. She said that the embryologist gave her the star to go ahead, which means everything's fine. If they had any problems, they would have said something. The nurse then asks me if i had any questions. I said, um, yes, well, could you go over these instructions completely, i dont want to miss anything. Well, last time the nurse explained it to me herself.

She explains everything to me. I dont understand much about the progesterone shots, and she says she will come back with an example.

She comes back and says that the embryologist cant find any sperm and that they have to cancel the cycle.

I am shocked and dumbfounded. What? What did i bring then? What did the urologist see? What's going on? What am i missing? This makes no sense.

The nurse says "would you like to speak to the embryologist?" I said, yes.

The embryologist comes and says, "we found nothing. There was NOTHING. Okay? I dont understand...the notes from your doctor said that this cycle might be cancelled. You expected this. You knew this could happen."

The embryologist was snappy and defensive. I hated her in that moment. Mean!

I said to her, "yes, i expected that the cycle might be cancelled, but NOT WHEN I'M CARRYING THE SPECIMEN IN MY HANDS! What happened?"

The embryologist decided to call the urologist to find out what i was talking about. But she tried to explain that their microscopes are much more powerful than the urologist's. So maybe the urologist saw something that under a greater magnitude turned out to be nothing.

I dont think so. That would just be stupid not to have a powerful microscope at the surgery site!

She also said that there was no way she could manipulate the tissue any further to find anything. It was sliced to smithereens. Then she left, but not before shrugging and saying "the cycle is still cancelled."

In the meantime, some doctor (not mine, i dont even know if my RE is working that day, it's like a factory at this clinic) comes in to help explain why the cycle is being cancelled. "I'm sorry. They found one sperm with an overly large head, no neck and no tail. I'm sorry." But, but, all we need is dna. Just gimme the dna. "We cant do a retrieval for one poor sperm. It has NO NECK OR BODY. I'm sorry."

I wanted the dna, but a part of me was like, God, i dont want to push it with such poor quality sperm. Maybe it's a sign of poor quality dna. But i had to ask! I had to ask.

Another thought occurred to me. But, what if i got more tissue, what if i went back to the urologist and got more? The doctor hesitated, "You have up until 12:30 for your eggs to be retrieved." It was 11:30. We had time!

The doctor leaves and the embryologist comes back. "The urologist never actually saw sperm. He just gave you the tubules that normally carry the sperm. And the one sperm we found, it's head is too big to fit in our needles. It wouldnt survive the transfer." Did you find any dead sperms? "No, nothing dead or alive. I'm sorry."

A few minutes later i just left. I wasnt sure what there was left to wait for. I had to go back to my husband, who still did not get out of recovery. If there was any chance to save the cycle, it would be with him. En route, i spoke with the urologist, he said that there was no way that they could go back into dh that day without causing permanent damage.

It was over. I arrived at the hospital waiting room precisely at the moment that the nurse came out to call for me. My husband was done with recovery and i was faced with the task of informing him that the ivf was cancelled.

It was awful, and it's been awful. And i'm now so glad to finally be off that God awful rollercoaster. Now you can see why i would need a serious break from the baby chase. No more. Enough. Uncle. Mercy. God, please, i get it now.

As i write, this it amazes how many little tragedies went on that day. Why couldnt it just have ended at the surgery? The doctor didnt have to come out with the bag, raise our hopes up again. At the ivf clinic, why did the nurse say it was ok to go ahead? Why did i have to be the one to tell dh that the surgery he just did was all for naught?

And this day is like a microcasym of the last year. After we found out that we could never have kids one year ago, after i had a mini-stroke in shocked reaction, after it took me six months to come to a point where i can start to move on, a sliver of hope crept in by way of blood results. The doctor then recommended a surgery and about a month and half later he told us he found sperm. Then ivf 1 cancellation because the sperm did not thaw out from the freeze. Now this. It all could have just ended with the first news, that we can never have kids last year. Instead we were dragged into a series of dashed hopes. Just in case we didnt get it the first time, we had to be reminded good and well twice more. We wont be having any kids of our own. Get the message forever now, and get over it.

I'm not bitter about this past year either, i just find it curious. What's the meaning behind it all.

So, we're back to where we started a year ago, except that i'm not shocked by the news. Where do we go from here?

I look forward to a better year, God willing.

One Week Ago

2006-08-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that it was only one week ago that we were cancelled, virtually kicked off the baby wagon, and left for a lonesome death on infertility island.

It feels like a 100 days have passed since then. Did i mention that the first few days were abysmally difficult??? And lonesome. But it got better. In part because we've been through this before, one year ago this labor day weekend, in fact. And, also, the first failed ivf helps soften the blow of the second. Betchya didnt know that a failed ivf had it's uses. There's so much i want to say about all that, but maybe i'll remember to later.

The thing is that this last leg of the baby chase has been the worst of this umpteen year journey, and i am finally, truly and heartily sick of it. I am so done with the baby chase. I finally found something worse than not having a baby of my own. It's the way i've been living, not living my own life but living in constant anticipation of another's...that's never coming.

I am not angry or even bitter about not winning the baby chase or failing to get off of infertilty island. I am in fact happy. I am satisfied in my heart that i gave it my all. I am proud of that. IVF was something i never wanted to do. Instinctively, i knew it was not for me and i was too scared to try it. I got over my fear, tried it, and learned that i was right all along. It's not for me, but not for lack of trying! It would have always been a question in my mind as to whether we should have tried ivf. And now i know the answer. And i feel relieved from the burden of dragging this question out ad infinitum. I feel relieved. That was an unexpected boon of all this. And it's priceless.

I want to talk more about the guilt and the relief, but i want to collect my thoughts first. Besides, it'll probably drag this post out ad infinitum.

I said a few weeks ago during the dark days of the drugs that i will be glad when this is over either way. And i wondered at the time whether i would regret saying that. Was it possible to feel even worse than i did on those drugs? I did feel bad in the first couple of days, but now i am still glad it is over. Glad is an understatement. I am thrilled and grateful i am no longer taking the injections, i am thrilled that i'm no longer OD-ing on hormones, i am thrilled to give my body a break, i am thrilled i am no longer in a hold pattern waiting to find out what's to become of the rest of our lives. I am most especially thrilled and grateful about that.

I feel like i've been in a hold pattern for more than 15 years, since my childhood, really. And that is most definitely worse than not having a baby. At least now, i am free. And i will take this childless life anyday over ever going back to that permanent pause again. I feel like i can breathe again...reborn, as it were. So odd for this to be the result of my ivf journey, but it's the best result for me.

In the end, my prayers were answered. I have been blessed with more than what i even thought i needed or wanted. And that is the greatest mercy.

Thank God for all things.

Blimp

2006-08-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

I'm still bloated, still! Sometimes i think it's gone away and other times, zoom, there it is sticking out like a good year blimp. And yet, according to the highly esteemed and never misleading Dr. Google, this is still a "mild" case, whatever that means. There's no additional weight gain or vomitting to speak of. But, i dunno, maybe i should check in with the clinic. The thing is, they're SO FAR AWAY as in RIGHT NEXT TO WORK, and it's like, why go down there on my day off? Especially when i have to be at the clinic at 7am and traffic is hit or miss, sometimes an hour and sometimes 2.

I'm just wondering how long do i get to walk around like a blimp? I miss the days when flab jiggled, sigh. I never thought i'd think that. But i never ever thought i'd never have kids either, so that just proves that you never really know anything. QED.

In other news, did you know that Moonlighting is still good after all these years??? Yeah! So zippy and funny. It's really good with a "mild" case of ohss. I wonder why they dont have the complete seasons? Did they just do 4 episodes a season? i'm so confused about this. Anyone know? I was barely a tween when i got hooked on the show.

In other movie related news, Adaptation is a bizarre movie. Netflix said it was about a writer's search for passion. Psht, hardly. The main character, who is the screenwriter who decided to write the movie about himself, was so annoyingly unlikeable in every way. Too neurotic and self conscious. His twin brother, who also happens to be his polar opposite, decides to try his hand at screenwriting, and writes a hit, just as well as the main character, who obsesses and drives you nuts in the process. Anyway ... spoiler coming, but i know you guys wont mind because the movie isnt worth renting unless you like oddball movies where the screenwriter egotistically ... spoiler part ... kills his own twin brother as part of the plot. Why? On a psychological level methinks there's a touch of jealousy. On an egotistical level, it's because the writer can, because the writer has a captive audience that stupidly thought his movie was going to be about the writer's passion or search for it or something. Haha. It's about the writer's neurosis and subconconscious jealousy for his twin brother who's not neurotic but easy going and, surprise, surprise, prolific. But, somehow the twin brother gets killed off in a freak plot twist, which was totally unnecessary as far as the plot went, which was really about the main character trying to adapt a stream-of- consciousness hippy-dippy book into a movie. But he couldnt because a stream of consciousness has no climax. It's just one fluid stream. Kind of like this review. Bored yet? You get the picture. To fix that, the screenwriter reasoned that if he somehow managed to kill off his brother in the story, then the audience gets the gore and blood they paid for.

I want my money back.

I May Not Be Pregnant, But I Look It ... ha, ha

2006-08-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

The first couple of days of living after the cancellation was excruciating. Sucker punch to the stomach, sucker. Breathless and gasping for two days. I wondered whether the abysmal pain would ever end. How long will this feeling linger? And didnt i just suffer through two weeks of a drug induced depression just the other day. Man, not this again. Again. Again. Again.

To dig the abysmal hole deeper, apparently, i was also suffering from a case of ovarian hyperstimuation syndrome. Oh, you know, bloating, distended stomach, breathlessness. I looked like a 6 month pregnant woman...ironic, huh? Probably as close to as pregnancy as i'll ever get.

The doctor's office, supposedly, called and left a message for me to come in the next day after the cancellation because they had a concern for ohss too. Unfortunately, i did not get the message and assumed that all the bloat was normal. Funny, huh?

By the time they called to follow up, i wasnt so bloated anymore and i figured i didnt need to go in anymore. I'm feeling better. I'm still a little bloated, but a mild case of ohss is treated with rest and more rest.

So, that's where we're at. Exciting case of ohss.

IVF 2: Cancelled

2006-08-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

More details to come, mostly, it's virtually identical to the cancellation of ivf 1.

And again, i am stunned. I feel like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football and only to have it be yanked away. I am stunned that i am stunned. It's like, didnt this just happen? When am i going to get a clue? When i am going to read the freakin writing on the wall? When?

I'm glad that we tried. It failed. Again. It's tragic. It's another failure. You win some, you lose some. And we've lost some this year.

In the end, i still feel incredibly grateful for the blessings that i have. It wouldn't be life if you didnt experience some tragedy, if you didnt experience disappointment. I dont want this disappointment to blot out the rest of the blessings in my life. I dont live in a war-torn country. I have not lost a spouse or even a family member to war. The economy in which my job is based has not been attacked or detroyed.

It's been a bad few weeks, we've taken a beating, but we're not the only ones. I feel incredibly blessed nonetheless that God has protected me from tragedies of other kinds, that God has blessed me with other successes (cant think of any at the mo, but there must be some, right?!). Finding dh was a great blessing, but i can hardly credit that with any success of my own. That's a miracle, straight from God. And, i suppose, if we're choosing miracles, that's one a lifetime of gratitude couldnt match nor could kids eclipse.

So thank God for all things. It's all good. Even the tragedies. You begin to see what really matters and how truly blessed you have been, unfulfilled worldly wishes notwithstandings.

I say this as i am doubled-over in the pain of ovulating 20 times over. So, i'd like to be forgiven for not necessarily being in my right mind, for going off on my pontificating tagents, as if i knew anything about life or the world.

Hot Shots Part Duex

2006-08-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

Trigger was last night at 11:30. Sooo, retrieval is Monday. I think we're pushing it by delaying trigger, but the clinic knew about the whole sunday/no practice thing, so what's the point of triggering when there's no sperm. I took half the hcg i had last time because the estrodial and stuff was that high. I dont know what it was because dh took the message and didnt get that bit of info.

Anyway, we had a discussion with the fertility clinic about the whole third-person-must-transfer-tissue issue. Dh feels uncomfortable about having me waiting at the clinic like a sitting duck to find out that the cycle has been cancelled again. Apparently, dh is not quite over the first ivf cancellation and watching me one moment excited and happy and the next shattered. If that were to happen again, dh doesnt want me alone (without him) at the ivf clinic. So we asked the clinic if i could stay at the hospital during the fresh tese and if they were to find any, then i could bring it over myself to the ivf clinic. The clinic will not do anything to me, no retrieval or anything, unless and until they have the specimen. So why cant i just bring it myself?

The reason is because it puts a lot of stress on the staff to do things out of protocol. The nurse said that the prep time for me will be rushed. The last ivf i was preped in under 10 minutes and i waited 3 hours in a hospital gown and room to find out that the ivf was cancelled. So, i'd rather be "rushed," than suffer through that again. And, frankly, the staff should carry the burden of any extra stress the situation calls, not me. This is their business. But then i just found out that they only two do about 2 fresh teses a year! This clinic is pretty big, with offices all over. It's no small shop operation. But, they said, most people go with frozen sperm and then back up donor, instead of a fresh.

The thing is, the surgery for dh is at 7:30 am. The urologist cannot tell how long it will take (it is afterall a fishing expedition) but generalized an hour to an hour and half. Let's say then that i have the tissue by 9am. The clinic is less than 10 minutes away. Let's say i get there by 9:30. My retrieval isn't until 11:30. What happens to the tissue in that time? Will it live that long???

Oh well, so retrieval is scheduled for tomorrow, Monday, if they find sperm. If not, the cycle is cancelled. That's my news.

Kris, that site exactly the one! I think dh will get a kick out of it. Please send it.

Night and Day ... oh and Humanity

2006-08-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm feel better, emotionally. Not 100% back, but SO MUCH better than i was a few days ago, the difference is almost like night and day, heaven and hell. Seriously, for a moment i tried to figure out a way to sleep through the next week. I.just.did.not.want.to.be.awake. It was that bad.

This has been a tough cycle--emotionally eviscerating. Either way, i will be glad when next week comes, just to put lupron, follistim, and menopure way behind me.

I am tired. Exhausted.

And.i.cant.believe.the.lack.of.support.around.me. Yes, my friends are out of town, but still! They can call. They can email. Then can ask. I am beginning to hate people. Really, i think i already do. I want to move somewhere far off, where people dont bother me.

That's why i need kids of my own so badly. To restore my faith in humanity...among other things.

Ok, but seriously, a coworker/friend stops by my office yesterday and sees my ridrimmed, bloodshot eyes, and notices that something's a little off with me. We have a nice little conversation about why things are off, namely that i'm doing ivf next week and i'm up to my nostrils in drugs. She was very sympathetic ... yesterday. There's only one office that separates me from her. Today, i dont see her at all. Is that weird? No, i really wanna know, is it me or does humanity just suck? Why the heck dont you ask about a girl who shows up to work drugged up and bugged out?

That's one of the reason i didnt tell many people at work about ivf this cycle. Nyeh. Who cares, right?

On another note, we're having second thoughts on the person who gets to carry the precious tissue on aspiration day. Dh wants ME to ask HIS sister, the one who flaked out on us last time. Umm, like, i'm still a little pissed about last time. So, how do you suggest i get her cooperation (and compassion) this time? Huh?

It's aggravation all around the nation.

This has been a tough cycle, thank God for all things. Even the meds sting going in, and i, oddly, start to giggle, which causes my belly to jiggle and, no doubt, raises serious, SERIOUS, question in dh's mind as to the 'fine' speciman of the FAT woman he married. Fatty. Why did i ever think having him do injections would be a good thing?

So, i'm no longer crying nonstop. Yay for miracles. Dh and i are schleppin along, this cycle having battered us both.

On a comical note, we aspirate afterall on Sunday HAHAHAHAHAHA. You know why that would NOT BE GOOD? Because, his doctor and the hospital do not practice medicine on holy days. People stop needing medical care. Everyone attends church, instead, especially those needing medical care.

ok, but enough about me on drugs, someone tell me who wrote an awesome post about how hot hell is...the one where the student wrote the answer on the test? Some people need to read it.

Seriously, like humanity.

Dawg Daze of IVF

2006-08-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for your kind, thoughtful recommendations to while away the time. So much to do, so little time. The problem is i get really bored at work. By the time i get home, there's limited time to start a project, even cooking (sadly, sniff, sniff). Interesting that Nikkinix suggested a tree house, (which is precisely the thing i like to do, along with scrapbooking, play(writing), chocolate making (and eating), and even cleaning house), because last cycle i got into planning a deck. I figured that if the ivf failed, at least i'd have my deck to cry on (i know, it makes no sense. tell that to a woman on stims). Anyway, the ivf was a bust and so was the deck. Our taxes went through the roof and there went our entire deck budget. Fun, fun times.

But, in the end, after confessing to my struggles with this two week wait before the real two week wait, I ended up settling down on two crochet projects, a backpack and a winnie the pooh. Suddenly, i love winnie the pooh. That is definitely drug induced.

And then i took Friday off and we went away to Wisconsin. Of course, we forgot the medicine and had a huge fiasco with that. Basically, we forgot to bring enough dosage of the stims. The insurance wouldnt cover a new vial without prior authorization and phone calls to every manager in their department, who do not happen to work on weekends. Then i called 4 drug stores, the last one having a box... for THREE HUNDRED THIRTY DOLLARS, which was worth it to me (it's the drugs i tell ya) to save the mini vacation trip and the 4 hour drive back home. In the end, the friends we were staying with had their oldest son drive to our house, pick it up, and drive back. Thank God.

Then i cooked a massive amount of food. Morroccan couscous with lamb and vegetables, Indian creamed spinach and corn (Yum-O), taboule salad, ground turkey and peas served over basmati rice. Did i mention that the next best thing to eating is cooking. Love that.

And that was it. Before you knew it, the weekend was over.

We drove an hour and a half back when i discovered that i completely. forgot. my. crochet. projects. I cried the rest of the way home. And all through Monday. Well, the thing is, i finally finally found something to fill my time, ya know? This after the long dry spell. And it was too late to turn back, we had to see our cats and get home in time to go to bed to start the next work day.

Today, i missed the train, caught another one, but sat in the crap cart ... you know, the one with the bathroom, i hate those, then the guy next to me is playing his music loud enough so it's an annoying buzz in my ear the whole ride. Normally i have my own headphones to drown out the nonsense of other people, but i FORGOT THAT TOO! Between the "sanitized" bathroom smell (which smells like an airplane bathroom but still disgusting to me) and the buzz in my ear, i had a peachy morning.

And, i just feel like crying ALL.THE.TIME. I dont want to be at work. I dont want the added stress of having to get up at a certain time, finding something to iron and wear, catching a train, so i can come to work and wait for the day to move the heck on.

Three more days until the week is over. Just three more days. Everything else is moving along similar to last cycle, which make me feel like this is going in the same direction as the last cycle. Needless to say, depressing.

I cant wait until this is over. I want my mind and body and emotions back. I feel occupied and preoccupied by drugs. Everything i normally do cant get done. I'm just waiting. And again, all of my toys have been taken away. I would restart the projects, but i cant get those instructions anywhere. Ever notice how crochet has been on the decline in the past 10 years? This is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say, if i ever see an interesting pattern to crochet, i buy it, regardless of whether i want to actually do it in the near future.

I started a new drug yesterday. Menopure. It's supposed to help with the dip in the estrogen that we had last time.

Speaking of the drugs ... is all this stuff supposed to refrigerated?

2WW

2006-08-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

This may be as close to a 2 week wait as i will get. But it feels so much worse. There's no anticipation of maybe maybe maybe a bfp. There's only anticipation of maybe maybe maybe there'll be sperm. Add to that that i am drugged up and all of my normal coping mechanisms have been knocked out and we are left with one very bored, ansy, tear-eyed, chocolate-scarfing, fat fertile soul.

Moreover, all of my friends have left the country. Literally. Ok, not the whole country, but still, they're not available. I'm kind of really alone this cycle. Dh is with me and it's a lot for him to handle by himself. It's hard for me to stop a massive sob attack to sit and explain why and how it started. Actually, i think he can handle the massive sob attacks. Unfortunately, they mostly happen at work, so by the time i get home with a ton of unnecessary purchases, it's hard to explain why and how those purchases stemmed a monstrous (and embarrassing) deluge of tears at work. Heck, i'm embarrassed to try to rationalize why shopping makes me feel better. But, for the while that i am shopping (or eating chocolate) i do not feel like crying. And that's enough explanation for me at this time, thank you very much.

But did you know that the combination of bcp, lupron, and the knowledge that this might not work out causes one to cry herself to sleep or go to bed with a migraine every night? I, unfortunately, did not know this until very very recently. The things you learn while doing ivf, i tell ya .... is actually way much more than i ever wanted to know about a body.

Too late now.

There's nothing i can do now but wait ... 16 days. S-I-X-T-E-E-N W-H-O-L-E D-A-Y-S. I estimate 16 days to aspiration. i dont know for sure. Yesterday was CD1. We'll find out more as the days progress. But it's about 16 days until we know if we are allowed to even pass go.

It feels like it's taken the longest time to get to this point, and i still have a whopping two more weeks to go. More than two weeks. I dont know what i will do with myself. I dont feel like reading or writing. A lot of the projects i start become boring very fast. I'm watching tv and renting movies, but that gets, you know, boring! Work is also boring. Life is suddenly so unbelievably slow.

In two weeks i will know if we can go forward with ivf or not, go forward with babymaking or not.

I didnt realize this would be so difficult. Last cycle we did not have to contend with this. We did not know the frozen vials wouldnt produce anything viable. We were blissfully ignorant at this stage.

But now it's different. By the end of the day, i'm just waiting for the time to draw nearer. I'm just waiting to know. And this has been the most difficult wait. And believe me, i'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied. But for the first time, my resources are failing me. It's like someone's taken away all of my toys and has told me to stand very still while i wait a long time. What am i going to do with myself for another 2 weeks?

Another Drug Induced Moment

2006-07-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Under the influence of female hormones, i made the following purchase:

Not one but THREE sets of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger bookends. Why, you might query of the formally lucid now clearly muddled Fertile Soul??? Well, one for her sister, who is preggo. And one for her friend, who had a baby months ago and Fertile Soul has yet to visit (tsk, tsk, shame, shame). Good thing she finally found a gift, huh? And, well, one for Fertile Soul. Yes, ladies, i've gone and done it. I purchased something baby-wise. I know it's so pathetic, emphasis on SO PATHETIC. I havent been so pathetic in years. I mean, well, i have but the point is i havent purchased anything for my kids in years. And, in a very healthy moment, i gave everything i did purchase or acquire over the years away, after way too many infertile years ... except for a wooden train set and the dress i saved from when i was a kid. Yes, i've been planning and saving for that long.

But just the other day i was in Borders for an entirely different reason, and there were these beautiful book ends. Not just that, they're books too, look:

See, the book slides out of the bookend with Tigger attached to the cover and then opens into a book:

Cute, huh? AND, the set was only $7.99 at Borders. I took the last three, greedy girl that i am ... one for me, just in case, you know, things work out, dreams come true, prayers are answers (i hope, God willing).

In the end, there's another person i could give the third set to (isn't there always) so i dont have to be stuck with this drug induced purchase if i dont want to. Or i could fling it at the window. I'm sure it makes an excellent projectile device for the fertile mind.

But, at the moment of purchase in the store, when i was getting it for my sister and friend, when i really justed wanted one for myself, i could not deny myself this guilty pleasure.

I just hope i can display it one day in my house.

Snark Butt

2006-07-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little snarky ... well, incredibly aggravated, if you really wanna know. It's totally drug induced i'd like to add because i am NEVER snarky, you know. I'm always cute and perky ... well, that's how i sound in my head, at least, but then when it comes out, i remember all this other stuff that went with the scene.

Let's take today for example. Today, my snarky laundry friend, who decided that i couldnt possibly have finished my laundry unless i laundered in the nude. (It's an idea. I might even try it. I dont mind. No one else around besides dh, and i like to give him all the previews he wants ;) .... but getting back to snarky friend. Today she told me (and she was so excited to deliver this news too) that an old friend of hers that she hasnt heard from in ages just went through an ivf and it was successful. "Just so you know, it can be sometimes." Uhhh, thanks wise ass. You're brilliant. No wonder you went to law school. You're a real smarty (farty).

And then the other day, this guy (ok, a family acquaintance) calls out of the total blue (because we havent heard or seen this guy in at least two years) to say that he just had a boy. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat. I really did not want to know that. Thanks for sharing, moron. I mean do you think a couple that does not have children really wants to hear from a couple that just did? Really? And we havent heard from you in years nor do you have any idea what's going on with us nor do you obviously care but we're supposed to give a fricken rat's ass about you now because you accomplished the one thing we could not?!

Stupid. I cant stand stupid people. Really, i just cant. I think there should be a stupid island where people get ejected to until they're able to snap two brain cells together and figure out a way back to the mainland.

And, there should be an eject button too.

Dragons & Heroes

2006-07-25T03:48:00.000-07:00

Well, i'm sorry for my unusual absence. I saw that my last post was posted on Thursday, i didnt realize it was two thursdays ago.

What have i been doing? Buckling down, getting all the ducks in a row, preparing my files at work for my short absence, cleaning around the house. I am so caught up in laundry, it's unbelievable. Truly. I've never been this caught up. I told a friend at work that i was caught up in laundry and she said, "well, you're never really caught up, unless you do your laundry naked." That was supposed to be funny, but why does it sound so snarky? Dont hate on me because i did a little laundry. And dont fret, i still havent done my winter coat or taken the huge pile left for the dry cleaners to the dry cleaners.

Anyway, i started another crochet project. I did this last ivf, but this time i'm much further along. I'm already half way done. I'm crocheting a backpack, a la The Sak. I bought their backpack but was so disappointed with the style. The straps are too short or something. So i just had to make my own.

I've also been watching some movies...nothing else to do while crocheting. If you're curious about Brothers Grimm, it sucked. I also watched Glory Road ... nyeh. The story of the first college basketball coach to play African American athletes is compelling, but the execution of it in this movie was not so. I also got The Thai Warrior, hoping it was something close to Hero. It was not. I cant for the life of me figure out why Ebert gave it 3 stars, unless it was a pity vote. The main character, the great Thai Warrior, was a dumb country bumpkin. Sorry to say, but he was. We couldnt finish that one. It was too slow (or the hero was, except, of course, when he was kicking someone's ass, which he wasn't even supposed to do because he vowed, quite randomly i might add, to never ever use his powers, after he spent his life learning them. But who cares about character inconsistencies these days, right? Let the mush-minded rule!)....

N..E..who ... I also have Casanova (was that good?) and Just Like Heaven left to watch, but i dont think i'll get to it before they're due back.

On the ivf front, i met with the RE to discuss protocol. This is the first meeting since our ivf1 cancellation, which she wasnt even at, since she was not on call that day. But i still like her (am i naive?). No really, she's nice ... i think. Anyway, she was like, "why did you guys cancel the fresh tese last time ... just out of curiosity?" Um, huh?? Why dont you know this? "Because, the urologist was out of town."

I asked her about freezing eggs. She said that's an option, and that it was an option the last go-around. We could have frozen our eggs for a day or so to wait for the fresh tese, if we had wanted. ... What did you just say? And why didnt you say this 4 months ago!

Well, yes, you see, that was an option. Uh, thanks for the notice. A little late, but who cares about timing.

Actually, she said that frozen eggs reduces our chances of viable pg by half and that it's not the optimal choice for a cycle.

Oh well, maybe she was right. But still, a girl wants to know her options.

RE went on to prescribe lupron, once a day but same dosage. I have to take it between 5-8 pm every night. Then she added a new drug to be phased in at the end of the stimulation to hopefully address the problem i had last time with my dip in estrogen levels before the trigger. Remember that? Fun times. Finally, she capped the meeting with a little talk about donor options ... say what? Talk about stroking the underbelly of a sleeping, firebreathing dragon and that would be an understatement. She went on to say that donor sperm and egg is no different than a donor blood or organ. Interesting point. Tell that to fire-breathing dragon. In one of the most intense and forging moments of my life, i learned that we are not cool with the donor option, not because religion says it aint so, but because of an internal moral and ethical personal code that cant be violated ... without awakening said dragon.

So there you have it. There's something incredibly sexy about a man with strong personal conviction, like an armored shield. Be not fooled by the easy cloak of fleshy exterior made fashionable in this day and age of gluttony and mental laxity, at the core of this man lies an unbreakable heart of solid gold, a mind as sharp as a sword, and an unwavering soul as steadfast as the straight path.

Will the Real Slim Sperm Please Stand Up

2006-07-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

We met with the urologist today. Here's the low down. The chances of a repeat no-go on retreival day are high. The chances of not finding any sperm are real. The chances of both of us going through this for nothing are very possible. So, on retrieval day, when dh goes off to have sperm captured at a separate location from me, where i'll be having my eggs captured, there's a chance that i will receive a call from the urologist saying they found nothing. It's over. It'll be like IVF1 deja vu except worse because dh wont be near me!

It's good to know this and remember this and be clear about what we're doing here. We're taking a slim chance. A real slim chance. Still, a slim chance is better than no chance. But let us not forget, it's slim.

In other news, there is no courier service for the live human tissue. Why live human tissue, you might ask? Because we're not finding actual sperm, sillies, (hence the slimness of the chance), we're looking for the dna stuff before it becomes a floating sperm. That, my friends, is embedded in the tissue. Ouch! And that's hard to find, as you can imagine, without cutting up all the tissue. Sometimes the doctors luck out and the first draw is a gold mine ... of a couple of sperm. Other times they have to poke around and hope they dont have to do too much poking (or damage) to find any because it can be ... well, damaging.

But, we've now confirmed with the urologist, who was the head of the urology department at a university, that there is no courier service for said tissue. The university does not take liability of loss, in case of mishap. So the burden is on the patient's family and friends to carry the sperm to its destination. Talk about the long road to conception and so many players in between. I mean, do babies really get made this way? This is more of a situation-comedy than real life--a brady bunch episode in the making. Dh and i missed our true calling as sitcom writers, instead of parents. We dont even have to make up the stuff. We could just comb our biographies for a living.

So anyway, on the day of retreival, we're going to need a miracle. A miracle that sperm is found and a miracle that it's delivered safely to me (no pressure there to the carrier), which is separate from the miracle of implantation and viable pregnancy. And if miracles are being handed out on that day ... can i just have the miracle of spontaneous, natural conception (plus a normal pregnancy and a healthy happy baby who becomes a healthy happy adult and natural asset to humanity)?

So my dear God, my heart is ever in Your hands and i ask You as the source of mercy and miracles to please give us a miracle. Please give us a great miracle. Please, please, please give us a miracle. Please give us the miracle of our own biological baby (who is great in his/her love of You and us/memememe).

Please. Oh God, please.

Your faithful-but-sometimes-absent-minded-and-imperfect-but-steadfast(or she tries to be),

Fertile Soul

Another Day on the Rollercoaster

2006-07-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

Step right up to the next adventure in the ivf world. Today, we begin with the following conversation (in a previous life i was a playwright) from a woman in the Embryology lab, who was returning my call from last Friday:

Lab: You said you had questions about the tese.
Me: Yes, i was wondering ... if my husband is going to be at a different location when the tese takes place, how does the sperm actually get to the fertility clinic?
Lab: We give you some petri dishes. We recommend that you pick them up the night before. Then you will have to bring them the day of the tese.
Me: Right. How does that work, when i'm going to be under on that day and technically, i will be at the lab with you and not him?
Lab: Oh. Is this a fresh tese?
Me: Yes.
Lab: In that case, whoever takes your husband to the hospital will have to bring the tissue in the petri dishes to our lab on the day of the aspiration.

Ok, show of hands ... how many of you are picturing the Amusement Park episode of the Brady Bunch, where the kids run around the park to find and deliver the architectural plans for their father? C'mon! They're going to give me, moi, petri dishes to entrust to my friend or relative to have the wherewithal to be alert at 7 am in the morning to deliver LIVE HUMAN TISSUE of my good husband's in time for the aspiration at the hard to find fertility clinic? Jeez Laweez, you gotta be kidding.

There's no one i feel so comfortable with to do that. My mom and dad dont even know we're doing ivf. His mom and dad passed away. Sooooo, back to the sis? Oh,and i just found out that we might actually be aspirating while she's still on vacation. So, sis is not an option. Who then? You think Jan and Marcia are up for hire? They did some good running.

After crying all morning, i called to see if dh's good doctor will even be around for the tese. As you know, he's the president of some urologocial association and he just came back from Brazil. So he's BUSY. He might be traveling in August, due to his other commitments. But the nurse will give him the message. Oh, thanks.

More crying ensued.

And, i ate a huge monstrous feta cheese salad, with a big bowl of ice cream for dessert, when I WASNT EVEN HUNGRY at 9pm, RIGHT BEFORE BED.

Move over Hurly, here comes the big fat fatty. I probably wont even fit on the aspirating table.

Scene of the Crime

2006-07-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

I had an appt for day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound at 7:45 am. Actually, i dont mind the early morning. I prefer it. Freakish, i know. I'm like the anti-vampire. I guess that means i human, huh? Get it ... anti-vampire?

Ay yay yay. i know, my humor's off. So what's new? I went in to the fertility clinic with the same bright, excited, eager attitude that i always had before, but then it slowly started to hit me. The last time i was there was the day we were told to go home without retrieval, the day ivf1 was cancelled. Slowly, i didnt feel so eager anymore. I felt shell-shocked. The scene of the crime. The nurse is talking to me and it's like she's speaking through walls, i cant hear her, i'm dazed. I'm Liz, your ultrasound nurse, dont you remember me, Liz? I was here just a few months ago?--i think to myself, but she does not respond. She does not read minds. ...undress from the waist down, you can keep your skirt on, the bathroom is occupied, oh, but it's empty now, you can go in. I know what she's saying, but i'm too slow to respond. I nod mutely ... not the usual chipper self at all.

Here we go again. I hope this one is a success. I want my chipper self back. I was dazed and confused, caught in a time warp, trapped at the scene of the crime.

Later, I waited all day for the nurse to call with "instructions." She says i can start bcp sunday ... SUNDAY?! What's that about? I thought today. I called her back and left 2 messages like the frantic dork that i am. "Um, hello, Jessica, I got your message, and i was wondering, did you say Sunday? Cuz i thought tonight. Also, how were my prolactin levels? And you wanted me to consult with the good doctor? When? Um, please call me back, k?" A few minutes later ... "Jessica, hi, it's me again, when you get this message please dont hang up. Um, but, is it ok that the consult with the good doctor is for july 20? And, i was wondering about the bcp, so call me back..."

I waited all day for her to call me back (she calls back after lunch, but it felt like ALL DAY):

Me: hello
Nurse: this is the good doctor's nurse
Me: (OH MY GOD, THANK GOD YOU CALLED ME BACK) Yeah, hi.
Nurse: I got your message. You can take bcp today or sunday. It doesnt really matter.
Me: Ok, wont it delay matters if i take it sunday?
Nurse: I suppose, only by a day.
Me: ok, good, I'm takin them today.
Nurse: That's fine.
Me: Will it upset any scheduling of retrieval? Will it matter?
Nurse: You can always start a new pack of bcp if we need a few extra days to coordinate all the schedules.
Me: Ok, great. And what about the prolactin?
Nurse: For some reason, we ordered a progesterone test. No prolactin level was taken.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: You can have it done when you come in for the consult.
Me: No problem
Nurse: Any other questions.
Me: Um, (thank you, thankyouthankyouthankyou for calling me back. I'm so relieved i could cry.) Well, (i love you) No, i think that's it (but what's your home address so i can send you a big thank you gift and what do you like?).
Nurse: Alrightee, then

So this was the first day of ivf2. I'm emotionally batty and i havent even started the drugs yet.

Let the good times roll.

IVF 2: Perchance to Dream

2006-07-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

Someone, please slap me with a wet noodle already. Would you believe that i actually ACTUALLY had a smidge of hope that i would not have to do ivf2. Yes, well, with 2 weeks of food cravings and sensitive boobs and an unbelieveable sharp pain in my abdomen two weeks ago, that lasted an hour, i thought that, well, AF wont come. I'm really too embarrassed (read ashamed and humiliated) to come out and say that i hoped i'd be pregnant.

And now i feel so stupid. And low. And despirted. And weepy. And especially stupid ... because AF ALWAYS COMES. You'd think i would know not to get any hopes up. You'd think i know!

I just want to have a baby. That's all. I just really want it. And, well, i've been praying for it. And, we've been taking our vitamins and doing acupuncutre. And well, i just thought that maybe something would work. Yeah, so, it's natural to think maybe something different happened, especially when i had this weird sharp cramping. And i'd rather think it's something good since my doctor second guessed my first thought, appendicitis.

Anyway, so, AF came today. Just as i predicted... July 5ish. Couldn't have nailed it better, i'd say. And this time, i even thought i miscalculated (prayed, hoped, pleaded, cried). But no. It's here. And so we usher in a new cycle. I have to go for an ultrasound before bcp. I'll call tomorrow for an appt.

In the meantime, my sister called me today to say:

Sis: I found out what i'm having.
Me: (still dazed and confused and crying about AF and stunned that Sis wants to know the gender of her baby) you did?
Sis: Yeah, you wanna know what it is?
Me: (Oh God, can this day become any more miserable?) Yeah, if you know, i want to know.
Sis: Well, you dont have to know.
Me: (huh? you prolonging this agony for some particular purpose? just get it frickin over with) How would that fly? If everyone around me knows and i dont?
Sis: Yeah, you're right. It's a boy.
Me: That's great (God bless him)
Sis: yeah, i knew it, cuz i had a dream

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ever wish for a sudden case of narcolepsy? To sleep, perchance to dream?

I wish i could be dreaming now, man o man.

Bummeria

2006-06-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

So i'm having the longest and worst PMS in the history of womankind. It started ...well, remember last monday? .... I mean the one before this week's. Yeah, and my period aint due until July 5ish. In the meantime, I'm cranky, irritable, weepy, and starving all the fricken time. AND, to make matters so much worse, i keep wishing AF wont come. I know, i've sunk that low. I was doing much better, but this month and last month, i've been having the longest pms! I think it's one of those untold side effects of ivf. No baby for you, but here's some lingering symptoms to make you wonder about it even more.

On top of all that, i feel really bad. It may have to do with the following conversations i had with my mom and then later with my sis, and the fact that i'm gearing up for another ivf and it's worrying me more than i thought.

As you know, I finally told my mom about IVF 1, which ended, at the end of April. She had no idea that i was even thinking of doing IVF. So i told her about it a few weeks ago. The conversation went smooth, actually, and i was pleased enough on my end that i wasnt emotional (which is natural for anyone doing ivf) because my mom isnt emotionally supportive in the least (which is why i never told her about it).

Anyway, she calls me up a few days later to say:

Mom: I spoke with my friend (a spirit-guru-freak)
Me: ahuh (rolling my eyes)
Mom: Well, she's checked out your energies (spoken with the spirits, i think) and looked into your life and she says that the reason why you cant have kids is because you're not aligned to have kids with your husband.
Me: What? (as in WTF!)
Mom: Yeah, that's what she said. (long pause)
Me: What? I don't understand how this is helpful. What am i supposed to do with this information (Why the hell are you telling me this?)
Mom: Well, she says that each of you can have kids with other partners, just not with each other.
Me: Huh? (WTF?)
Mom: Yeah, that's what she said.
Me: I dont see how this is helpful or why you're telling me this.
Mom: She says you're blocked and you have blocked energies
Me: (Please stop talking) Well, ok, thanks for the call (dont bother calling me again)
Mom: Oh, and she also said that she cleared your blockages. So, you can have kids now.
Me: What? (Why did you wait 5 minutes to tell me this bit?)

See what i mean, NO COMFORT there.

So my sister is going away on vacation, but she'll be back mid August. I need someone to be there for us on the double retrieval/fresh tese day at the end of August. We almost did a fresh tese in ivf 1, but we couldnt arrange it with his doctor, who was away at a conference and we were confident that we didnt need one in the end. Anyway, when i tried to arrange the fresh tese on ivf 1, you need to also arrange for rides, one for you and one for him. See, he's going under and so are you. And, you're not even in the same hospital/clinic. So, you need 2 rides. At the last one, i had made an arrangement with my SIL to do it, dh's sister. She agreed, but then the days got screwed up. So when the time neared and i called to double check with her, she thought that we had done the procedure the week before and that she had made other plans already (and that she meant to ask us how it went, even though i called 5 days after the date she expected to be on call).

Anyway, i was pretty upset with her inability to be there for us and basic lack of care. She said that she had an ob/gyn appt. Hmmm, .... cancel your appointment and be there for your brother and sil who never have asked you for a single favor EVER orrrr keep routine appointment.

So when i told my own sister that this had happened and that it upset me, she said that she and her husband would have been there for us FROM OUT OF STATE (across the border).

Anyway, so guess what Fertile Soul goes ahead and does this time for ivf 2? Yes, she remembers what was said at last ivf and thinks that her sis will be available for her at ivf2. So here's the conversation:

Me: When do you get back from your vacation?
Sis: Middle of August
Me: When does school start?
Sis: After labor day, i think.
Me: ok, well, we're doing another ivf cycle, starting in july and we may need you guys for the procedure at the end of August.
Sis: what exactly do you need us for?
Me: I will need someone to drive us home after the surgery.
Sis: Surgery? What surgery? You mean procedure.
Me: No, dh is having another surgery, another tese (weren't you paying any attention the first time?)
Sis: And why cant you drive?
Me: because i'm going to be under on that day too.
Sis: ooooooooooh. ... ok. Can you give me an exact date?
Me: No, i cant even give one to the doctor who has to do the surgery.
Sis: So you dont know when exactly.
Me: Just end of august.
Sis: How many days do you need us?
Me: Just the one day. ... Well, from the early morning, so you might as well come over from the night before, since you live so far away.
Sis: i dont know about my husband's schedule, i dont know if he has to return to work before the semester starts, so i will have to check with him.
Me: great, thanks.

ok, why cant somone say, yes, i will go to the moon and back for you on that day, just tell me what you need because i know you're scared and i want to be there for you.

Can you imagine having her with me on retrieval day? A very pregnant her? God, what will i do? I think i'd rather go alone.

And so i am feeling really bummed, pms-y, and sad. I wish i didnt ask my sister to come. I dont know who else to ask at this point. I hate when i ask someone to help me with something that's EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME and they whip out their calendar to check out their availability, frown, and say "um, i dunno, maybe." Ok, forget it then.

I guess a cab is always an option, it'll be a good $100 for each of us.

Ok, back to my corner, where we have crying and overeating on the agenda for another week. And i havent even started IVF 2 yet!

Meh Meh

2006-06-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

I interrupt this blog where i talk about me to talk about ... ME. Memememememememememememe. Oh, but i digress. Cant help it, i just lub me. Memememememememe. Ok, i blame Meg for unleashing this monster within. She decided that everyone should get to know the inner me. So, here all the tagged juicy parts:

Seven Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die:

1. Become a bestselling author.
2. Win an Oscar (or two, hey, why limit myself)
3. Accummulate A TON of good deeds. Ok, more than a ton, when i think of it, ton is so paltry. I say a ton raised to the infinite power. That's more like. She who accummulates the most deeds (good) wins! Ok, not really, but it keeps me motivated.
4. Be ready to meet God, with the big bright smile that He gave me (and a ton of gewd deeds raised to an infinite power). Yeah, yeah, i lub God. Hope He forgives me for being so behind in the aforementioned good deeds plan.
5. Have some babies and raise some awesome kids (who lub da mama)
6. Open a successful bakery ... i lub baking. i lub food. i lub chocolate. Need i say more?
7. Hmmm, i only have to do 6 things before i die? What else? I reserve the right to revisit this one. Oh wait, how could i forget! I wanna ph.d in math or religion. Interesting thing, if you go back far enough in history, people studied math to get closer to God. Cool, huh?

Seven Things I Can't Do:

1. I cant eat bread cuz i have gluten sensitivity to the flour. But i eat it anyway, cuz i lub it. ...just on occasion, i swear! Like, when it sneaks into my brownie.
2. I cant be with people who complain about pregnancy or kids.
3. I cant travel by boat. I get sick. Ick.
4. I cant enjoy a rollercoaster ride like i used to as a kid. I get seasick on that too.
5. I cant let a spider crawl near me. Eew.
6. I cant get pregnant. Haha.
7. I cant finish this list! Again... i reserve the right to add stuff, heh.

Seven Things That Attracted Me to My Partner:

aww, only 7!!!???

1. Sense of humor.
2. Kind, gentle soul.
3. Super sexy, calm, gentling voice. He should do radio. But then i'd have to share him with people, hmm, this is a dilemma indeed cuz he's MINE. ... ok, I'm willing to make that sacrifice to spread the wealth.
4. He loves God. (Yay, cuz so do i!)
5. He loves me (like, at first sight, crazy. He waited a whole 10 days from the first day to let me know that one.)
6. He loves my cat. He's a catman. ok, but i didnt know this when i met him. In fact, he just discovered this about himself last year, when he buckled under the pressure of my puppy dog eyes and let me adopt a couple. He just gets better and better with age.
7. Did i mention that he loves me? oh, and he thinks i'm cute (crazy, i say!)

Seven Books That I Love (meaning i'd reread them):

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Jane Eyre
3. Emma
4. Wuthering Heights
5. To Kill a Mockingbird
6. You Belong to Me (yes, that's genre fiction, so, you wanna make something of it? Huh, huh, huh?)
7. It Happened One Autumn (yeah, more genre fiction, it's the new cool. Literary fiction, girls, is so passe ;)

The last two are subject to change on a weekly basis because i am a book ho...ri ;)

Seven Movies I Watch Over and Over:

1. Matrix (the first one only, please)
2. Gladiator
3. Pride & Prejudice (the A & E version)
4. It's a Wonderful Life (aint it though!)
5. While You Were Sleeping
6. Moulin Rouge (if you haven't seen this, you've GOTTA)
7. Emma (with Gwyenie ... yes, us oscar folks of the past, present AND future are on a petname basis)

Seven People I Want to Tag:

Ladies, if you're up for it...

1. Wishing 4 One
2. The Sunnie Side Up
3. Baby Proof Uterus
4. Infertility Island
5. I've Got Bad Plumbing
6. Stella and/or Ben
7. Velvet Cage

Blekh ... Not Quite Blah, Not Quite Ick

2006-06-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling all sorts of down today. What caused this spiral into the abysss, you ask? It wasn't the show down with the boss and it wasnt the semi-truck our train hit, it was the block party we had yesterday, where my mother decided that she would attend with her grandkids. Isnt that odd? It bugged me from the moment she invited herself. The block party was supposed to be a chance for everyone to meet everyone, since we all just kinda sorta moved in in the last couple of years. I did not want the added burden of hosting my family (who live a half hour away and rarely visit) nor did i feel like playing with little kids, thank you.

But, i shined off my dimples and put on my best smile, regardless. Overall, it was a nice event but everyone i met asked me if i had any kids. I expected that, block parties are usually kidcentric. But still, it set me off kilter a little.

What pushed me off kilter completely was that my mom couldnt remember the year i was born. "1977?" No, 1973. ... "Oh, ok." Five seconds later "So, 1977 you said?" No, i was not born in the same year as my sister. Glad to know her birth year left an indelible mark on your memory, but mine was so unremarkable as to be forgotten within the span of five seconds.

Ouch. That hurts. Did i mention that my sister and sister in law are pregnant. Good for them. But dont come over, k?

Leave me alone in my world. I'd rather be in a train sitting in a pond of diesel than ever have that conversation with my mother again.

Man, i'm so angry today. Why? And i'm so de-spirited. I dont feel like doing ANYTHING. I dont feel like reading or watching tv. I feel awfully snarky. I just finished a book that's total crap. I feel like writing the author a letter explaining to her how her book could have been so much better if she trusted the story more, stayed with the core plot, instead of adding ridiculous twists at the end, the emotionality of which she never kept up with. If you cant keep up with the emotionality of your plot, then your plot sucks because it's just stupid action scene after action scene and who cares anymore.

But then again SHE'S published and i'm sitting here wondering why my mom cant remember 1973. So, ultimately i suck.

I wish i could just take a good nap and sleep this blekh away.

Train With a View

2006-06-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

I took this photo because I was on this train right before it hit a semi-truck ... a SEMI-FRICKIN-TRUCK ... on my way home from work today. So freaky. First off, the train did not screech to a halt, like you'd imagine. It's as if the conductor did not see the semi on the tracks until it hit it. I was in the second car from the derailed engine, which is shown above. All i heard was a slight boom, not startling, but THEN all of a sudden there's this half of a semi truck doing cart wheels CART WHEELS in the air and FLYING by my window. Yeah, that's right, i thought it was going to land on us. People screamed, "OH MY GOD." When i saw that, i thought all the trains carts would be squeezed together. But, no, the train just screeched to a halt.

The conductor came in to ask if everyone was okay and then to announce that there were no injuries on the train. Then we waited, while a noxious smell infiltrated each cart. One man made it off the train and began to walk. But everyone else waited. Then another man started walking up and down the carts, saying "there's DIESEL out there, people." The conductor yelled "No body get off the train. Stay where you are."

But diesel? Someone quipped "Don't start smoking"..."No one light a cigarette" haha. Funny. But, yeah, you're sitting on a train soaked in diesel with a diesel spill outside its doors, what do you do?

One man got out. From the window, he mouthed to the other passengers "T H E R E 'S A F I R E" in the last train cart. At that point, i left my seat to make my way towards the door. The doors were open, but we were instructed not to leave. Eventually, frantic man came back down and left and we all followed. It was the smartest thing, i think. I mean, stay where you're seated when you're seated in a pond of diesel?

We were wrecked in the boonies. It took 2 miles of no man's land to get to the train station, in 80+ muggy weather.

Finally, dh found this obscure train station and picked me up.

I just can't believe i saw semi-truck fly by me. It was like a scene out of a tornado movie.

UPDATE: In case this ever happens to anyone, God forbid, we did not actually step in the diesel. We exited from the other side and walked around the front of the train. They say walking in deisel is no better than sitting in a traincart soaked in it. But still, i'm glad we got off the train without having to step in diesel.

2006-06-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

Side view for all you gawkers, like me.

The Hell Paid

2006-06-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

So, the next day, after my day off, which my boss frowned upon ... well, it turns out, he went to the ubber boss to complain about me. He didnt go to his own boss, he'd gone to this other one (the one i had been working closely on in this file, but who is not my direct boss) and demanded (in front of her underling attorney, who is my friend) to know when i found about the settlement conference (so that he can really nail me to the wall). My friend, who found his behavior highly unprofessional and inappropriate, given that he interrupted their already ongoing conversation to demand this trivial information, informed me that the ubber boss came to my defense, stating that we only found out about the conference on Wednesday, ipso facto idiot, SHORT NOTICE.

But did moronic boss take the hint? Nooooooo. He proceeded to complain about why i took the day off, when, mind you, everyone else on our team, including him, had gone to a baseball game DURING WORK HOURS. Excuse me if i find baseball excruciatingly boring and i'd rather fold laundry than watch my rotten boss get drunk.

Anyway, the one small miracle in all this is that idiot boss did not actually go to his boss, who is in control of deciding whether or not i get a raise, next year. So, PHEW! Survived that one by the shinny shins because in the end, his boss is only going to remember that my boss complained about my "poor planning" and not that it was unwarranted, unmerited, or unjustified.

Now you might wonder why he did not go to his boss ... any takers? anyone? It's because he had to build a case against me BEFORE he strung me up from my toe nails. See, he already learned once before that building a case against me without anything to support it only gets himself hanged by his own stupidity.

I'm just mad that he even complained about me to ubber boss. I like her, i dont want her to think i'm a dork. I mean, i got enough work trying to keep up with her (she's real smart, hence the ubberness) and the last thing i need is someone to come in and besmirch my good name to her or put her in the inconvenient position of tracking down my emails to her so that she may answer dickwad's questions. Like she doesnt have a bazillion other things to do. She hasnt taken a vacation in years, that's how busy she is. I'm sure she wants to be interrupted to stand around and complain about the merits of my vacation.

Anyway, moronic/idiot/dickwad boss finally simmered down after the settlement conference was miraculous cancelled. But not until he wasted a lot of people's times and made sure how dissatisfied he was with me.

Idiot.

No, i did not confront him. I'd have to reveal my source, and i wouldnt want to. Besides, he has no idea how inappropriate his behavior was, and me telling him wouldn't teach him squat. He's known for getting uptight for no good reason. And he's known for having poor management skills. Trouble is, no one else wanted his position, so his boss gave it to him. God help him. When he's not in my business and up in my face, i really feel sorry for him and hope for him the best.

I really wish he could find someone who could tolerate him or teach him better social skills. He's one of those people who lived with "Mother" way into his 30s (or 40s, i dont know, i have no idea how old he is. He's probably in his 40s). He lives alone and is a workoholic. Need i say more?

Pissed Off And It's Not Fertility Related!

2006-06-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm just a little pissed off today. I decided to take the day off. What's wrong with that, huh? My boss emailed, asking for an explanation. Um, like, what's there to explain? It's a day off, you gave it to me, i took it. It's not like my boss would miss me. It's not like my boss even SEES me on a daily basis to notice. Heck, if i hadn't said anything, he might not have even noticed.

Anyway, i'm just a little aggravated. I guess what bugged me was that the boss said that he's been "lenient" with me and trusting. WTF???? I work overtime, i take my work home, i work it on the train, i come in on weekends, and even now, i'm workin on my vacation day. So, pleeze boss, your leniency has been matched in quadruplicate.

And now, of course, i'm wondering, was that wrong? Mind you, my other boss (who got promoted beyond my ranks, sniff, sniff) never gave a rat's ass as to when you took your alloted time off.

So then, naturally, here i am stewing and feeling guilty about having taken the time off. My precious little time. I'm just so backed up in the house, yanno? I want to wake up in the morning and be able to find an underwear, without having to dig through loads of clean laundry. Is that too much to ask!

I should just get back to the housework. Having the house in order and not nagging me EVERY.SINGLE.DAY will really be a load of stress off my mind. I fell a little behind because i've been giving extra attention to my novel lately. Yeah, we're back in the game, so MOVE OVER Nora Roberts.

Anyway, was i wrong? Should i feel bad? No, i shouldnt, the more i think about it. My boss was just trying to cover his ass, worried that his boss would come down on him. He even said so in the email, telling me "[i] put [him] in a bind"--not about the day off, but about having to go out of town for settlement conference we just found out about. Hey, that's not my fault. WE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. Yes, it's last minute. But, he says "it reflects poorly on [my] planning" and then puts "him in a bind." Actually, the only problem is that it puts him in a bind, given that we had very little notice about it. So, the fact that short notice travel puts him in a bind is his problemo, not mine. But of course, i should get blamed for it, right?

Ok, but in the end, the settlement conference (and travel plans) was cancelled, so that should mean that he's no longer in "a bind." But somehow, i doubt that. He's the uptight, micro-managing sort. He needs to be in a bind to survive.

My question is, how do you get on the good side of a character like that (assuming that it doesnt involve any fakey, kiss ass, brown nosing stuff. I cant stand that!)? Because, now, suddenly, i feel like i'm going to have a little hell to pay when i go back tomorrow.

Running On Empty

2006-06-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

I saw my sister this weekend. She looked fatigued, exhausted, and totally stressed out. Totally. She's a ph.d candidate and this is not exactly the best timing for a baby, when you teach and study all day long, especially someone who's been stressed out by her teach/study schedule.

But you know what, there was a moment there where i thought, man, i would NOT want to be in her shoes. I would not want to be that stressed out, so behind in rest, so backed up in a quiet time, and then expecting to have a baby soon, before there's a chance to destress and take it all in. I do not envy that kind of stress. I do not wish it upon anyone.

I am so content not to have it. Really, i'd rather have no baby and no stress, then a baby with stress to my eyeballs. That's no way to live, not for you or baby. I mean, a baby brings its own stress and pressures, so, you've got to be ready for that. You cant already be maxed out on your stress reserves when a baby comes. Then you're always running on empty. I HATE that feeling. I'm so glad that's not me.

An Interesting Thing About Life (cuz, yanno, i know all about it)

2006-06-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for commiserating with me. I feel much better. Ahh ... surprisingly so. I had a little talk with myself and it went something like:

Me: Self, what the F*&#@%!$* is wrong with you, huh?! This is WAY too much crying, girl.
Self: Well, i'm really disappointed. I really wanted to have a baby by now.
Me: I'm sorry, girl, but that's what you say, is it really what you wanted?
Self: I just thought that i would have a baby by now and i would be moving onto that part of my life wherein i got to undo all the wrongs of my childhood by doing right by my kids.
Me: Whoa, that's screwed up.
Self: It makes perfect, beautiful sense to me, like music. I'd be a perfect mom. I know exactly what NOT to do to a child. Besides, it's time some things went a little right in my life. And i've been waiting a long LONG time to tip the scales back in favor of a little justice in my corner. I suffered through a lifetime of injustice on the hope of the sweet justice of my child. Nothing in the past mattered so long as the future was okay.
Me: Oh well, that's a nifty little bind of your own making. So, by definition, your future can't be ok, ever, unless you have kids. By definition, you're doomed to a miserable unhappy life, unless you get the kids to fix it?
Self: I never thought about not having kids.
Me: But are kids the only way to right your past?
Self: ... huh?
Me: Do you really need kids to make peace with your past?
Self: come again?
Me: Do you really think your kids will make you all right with your rotten stinkin childhood?
Self: It's one way.
Me: But you see, it's not so much about your kids as it is about your unjust childhood.
Self: Yes, it was a misspent childhood. I promised myself that my kids would never suffer the same fate.
Me: But it's not too late for you. You dont need to live vicariously through your kids. You can fix the wrongs of an unjust youth yourself. It's not too late. You dont have to wait to have kids to finally get the right treatment, to finally be treated right, to finally treat yourself right.
Self: You're right. You're so right. It's just so SOoooooooooo much easier thinking that my kids will save me.
Me: Save yourself.

So, after this little conversation with self, i realized that i'm not so totally bugged about my sister. That's a pain that smarts, but it's not the end of my life as i know it (which is how i can feel sometimes about being babyless). Anytime i come face to face with the reality that i'm not getting the one thing i promised myself as a child to justify what i suffered, the pain of what i actually suffered returns, making that moment as painful as an unjust childhood. But the two, in reality, are not the same. The unjust childhood was bad and is entitled to it's due, but it's not equal to the pain of a sister getting pregnant before me. That's way ok. Like i said, it just smarts, like a ripped bandaid, not a gash in the heart like a robbed childhood.

Ok? But enough about me already, even though, i really think i'm beginning to figure out this baby thing so much more. It's not about the baby. It's about me. If i'm ok with me, totally and fully ok with my life as it is, as it was, and as it becomes, then i will be ok with or without baby. Baby is along for the joyride of my life. Not vice versa.

The question is, how much of a joy have i not allowed my life to be, given that i've been waiting for baby to bring it all in? As if i cant make joy for myself? Who ever sold me that lie?

Life is good and God is great, all the time, come what may, it's all good.

Thank God.

The CALL ... From My Sister

2006-06-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

You know, the one that got married less than a year ago? The one who was only 13 when i got married? The one who assured me that she didnt want to have kids right away? She called to tell me she's 3 months along. God bless her. No really, God bless her. I want for her what i want for myself. So, God bless her, dammit.

The thing is, really, i know this is going to sound so incredibly stupid but i just really really really never believed that she would have kids before me (call me stupid). I mean, i just really believed that we would at least be pregnant at the same time. And to think, that she was pregnant during our ivf. Ouch.

And now my belief has been shattered, and i feel lost at sea. Lost in a sea of my own tears. I dont know why that belief was so central to my world view. I always believed that we would have kids together, so everytime she would get close to getting married, i would think, oh, wow, you know what that means, my dreams might come true now.

I'm so silly. Slapped silly by my own incredibly stupid and unfounded belief. Is it any wonder that i'm into romantic storytelling? I've been telling myself a doozie for most of my life.

Oh, God. I feel so sad. What am i going to do without my sanity-keeping beliefs? Cry myself to death?

Maybe, or at least until i mourn this sad ending, which ever comes first.

My Other Baby

2006-05-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

In other infertile news, i entered my novel into a contest. I lost. But, the judges did say really nice things about it, like, they'd continue reading it and buy it if it were in stores. I got points off for technicalities, like not finishing my chapter in 25 pages. I chose substance over form (i am an artiste) and very gauchely ended my submission with a hanging sentence (i am an artiste with no class). I guess if you know anything about writing contests (i dont), you never end your entry with a sentence that presumably continues onto the next page (because, duh, my chapter didn't end yet!). Anyway, judges no likey.

I showed it to dh. He said it was better than Davinci Code (Ha! Take that silly contest) even though he never read Davinci Code it (but saw the movie!). Now lest you, dear readers, think that this is another one of the good dh's ploys to get into my pants, he is a writing professor (although, he's never written or read a romance besides mine, Jane Austen's, and Charlotte Bronte's).

Now, in defense of Davinci Code (or my novel), these two works are not in the same genre. Mine is a historical romance complete with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (HELLOOOO how did Dan Brown miss that?) and a happy ending. Mine is not a high concept, plot driven story with flat characters (yes, Gah! Flat characters, in a movie by Ron Howard, no less), one of which is supposed to be a descendant of Jesus.

Which begs the question, what happened to character development? Is character development just dead in today's novel? No depth? Just running from one scene to the next in pursuit of the elusive ending?

Unfortunately for me, my main characters are not related to Jesus, so no chance of riding the coattails of an awesome history. But, they love each other (well, not right away in the beginning, but soon enough!) and, well, doesn't love conquer all?

I wish, especially in book sales. On that note, i spent the day panicking over my query letter. I eventually settled on the right font for my letterhead (like anyone's paying attention to that, anyway, but i get so hung up on details for surely i will be rejected if i just use Times New Roman for my name) and sent it out to a few agents.

Tomorrow i want to get up early and make sure this baby is camera ready just in case anyone actually asks to see it once they get passed the debacle of my letterhead (even dh was like, you are spending WAY too much time on this AND wasting TOO MUCH PAPER).

But i have to say, after reading some slight changes i made to my novel yesterday, dh said "Your writing is better than mine." Aww (so not true!), thanks babe, you taught me everything i know ;)

I Dont Wanna Have Kids

2006-05-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right. i dont WANT any kids. Oh, wait, i meant to say i DONT want any kids. Ooops. How does that work? Why do so many people who never wanted kids end up as parents? I would like to be so lucky. So, i'm thinking maybe i should be like the shakespearean lady who protestiths too much. THAT'S my problem. I never protested. Ever!

So, i'm here to say that i dont want kids. I hate kids. Yeah, i never ever want to get pregnant, ever. I should take bcp because i dont even want to risk it! Pssht, I'm too busy for kids. Really, i am. I commute 3.5 hours a day. I'd have to move or quit my job to have kids. And i aint gonna do that. I'm not making ANY sacrifices FOR NO ONE. I'm not the sacrificial sort. I refuse, REFUSE, to be inconvenienced. Girl, please, I love my sleep. I do. And i need it and want it. But i dont want kids. No, i dont. Nonononononono, NO!

Besides, there's too much life to live, things to do, people to see, books to write, crafts to create, fun, fun, fun! And then, there's the matter of saving the world and bringing peace on earth.

So you see folks, i really cant have kids. Nosirree, no kids for me. It's really for the best. No kids, none, nada. Dont want any. Then, i'll have more time for memememememe and the small matter of spreading love and peace throughout the universe.

That's My Life

2006-05-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

I met a woman today who has my life ... or, i should say, the one i planned on having. We share the same major, we share the same career, and we're both romantics at heart. The only difference is, she never really wanted a big family and i did. But once she started having kids, she realized it wasn't such a bad idea afterall. And then she ended up with nine. NINE. And she works full time ... as a lawyer. That's awesome, man. Just awesome.

And that's the life i always wanted.

And i feel happy for her and sad for myself because i know exactly what she has and it's everything i ever wanted. And it's great. Great for her. And a little bittersweet for me. Is that bad to say? Because i dont want to detract from what she has. God bless her and her family. Everyone deserves a big family, imho. That's all. Everyone.

Including me.

Sad News

2006-05-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a little sad these days, especially since clicking over to Cancerbaby. She died today of ovarian cancer. She was only 33. I just found her blog the other day and suddenly i wish i knew her.

I feel very saddened by this news, which i only now found out as i went over there to copy paste her url. I was initially going to say that i've been saddened these few days to read about her experience with the return of cancer at such a young age, to go into the doctor for infertility and be diagnosed with cancer instead, to kick it into remission only to have it rear it's ugly head a few years later. And now, all i can say is that i'm very saddened by her death and the loss of Cancerbaby.

Business As Usual

2006-05-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

So, I got my period yesterday. I guess it's back to business as usual. I took off the week i was suppose to have the transfer. I couldnt go back to work right away, even though, physically and technically speaking, i guess i could have. But why?

Anyway, people have asked at work, how it went. It's mostly just a curiosity for them. Most of them just want to know if i'm pregnant, not understanding that it would take another 2 weeks of waiting. I just tell them it didnt work out. Then it's on to other news, what they did for the weekend, how they stayed in and watched the Two Towers because it was such a rainy day. As if that's comparable conversation?! Yeah, bummer for you, it rained so you had to stay indoors. How did you deal?

Anyway, today i feel such a lull. As if the numbing shock has finally worn off and i have post-ivf-failure dumps.

It's just so blah today. It could also be pms.

In the meantime, we got a call about a baby in need of adoption, but the prerequisite is that one parent has to be a stay at home parent because the baby is sick and needs a lot of trips to the doctor. First off, i'm not in no mood to discuss adoption. Second, i dont want random community women calling me asking me if i'm interested in adopting, as if they have any say or control in it actually happening!

What else? I'm really just a tad irritated today. Just a smidge.

I caught up on some of my old blog haunts. Ouch. Word to the wise, it's hard to read ivf blogs when yours just failed. Heck, it's hard to see our ivf drugs still beckoning to us everytime we open the fridge. It's just sad. Sad again that you're stalled and stuck. Failure staring at you as it stands right next to the ketchup. It's wrong. Leave my ketchup alone, dammit.

But I dont want to throw the drugs away. We're going to try this bag of fun one more time, with a fresh tese. But, we have to wait 3 months while we try a new drug (Cue I Wanna New Drug music). It's actually an old drug, but not usually prescribed to patient's with azo + high fsh. We decided to stick with our urologist because, it turns out, he's the head of his department at a major university AND infertility is his specialty. He was not around for our retrieval because he was away at some urological conference for a urological association which he also heads. Anyway, he says he met another doctor from Egypt that used clomid on patients with unobstructed azo and high fsh (where it's often used on patients with low fsh) and found improvement in 25% of his patients. This is not a study, just his experience.

So what the heck. We're going to try it for 3 months. That and Maca. Does that do anything?

Who knows. I'm so sick of this subject.

And i'm just so tired.

Psyche Out

2006-05-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dumbfounded. Shocked. Surprised. Stupified. Stupified. Stupified. Stupified.

Need I say more? That basically sums up my past week. That, and a sudden case of the jinx. Like maybe I talk too much about my life? Maybe I need to go crawl in a corner and suffer in silence. Maybe then I wont suffer? Right? It could happen!

So my old self tries to tell myself. But after a week of that, I realized that my old self fits like a garbage bag. I spent the week wondering if I could/should have insisted/persisted more strongly to search the vials, questioning the competence of the embryologists, and coming to the certain conclusion that I could have found something in those vials, if only I had done the looking. If only! If only I had gone to medical school, I’m sure I could have elbowed my way into a looksy at our genetic parts. I should have elbowed my way anyway!

Then I started thinking that maybe I should look into going to medical school anyway. What, it’s only about two years of prerequisites to sit for the mcat, and then at least another EIGHT YEARS of serious debt before I can elbow my way into the doctor’s backrooms. I’ll only be 43 by then. And then, I can save the world through healing, just like I always wanted.

I just shoulda, shoulda, shoulda gone to medical school. And then, maybe, maybe, maybe this catastrophe would have been averted. I could have averted it. I could have saved myself. If only ...

I reread the end of my last entry: Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Can you tell I’m a product of a divorce? Whenever anything suddenly goes in the least expected but worst way, I scramble to figure out how I could have prevented it so IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. On some level, I internalized my parents’ divorce as a reflection on me and ever since then have been scrambling to cross all my t’s and dot all my I’s so that, in a way, my parents don’t get mad at me again and do another drastic horrible thing to my life.

And my reaction to last Sunday was, initially, more of the same, only now I’ve subplanted my parents with God. But it’s all the same, internally; I did something wrong that angered the powers that be and I now must do whatever I can to correct that so it never happens again. When in reality, you know what, sometimes you just don’t get what you want. (GASP!) And it’s really NOT a reflection of me. (GASP, GASP!) It’s just a reflection of life. It hurts like hell but it doesn’t simultaneously mean you’re going there. (REALLY!?) It doesn’t. (PHEW.)

It just hurts, is all. Pure, unadulterated pain. (OUCH) Covering it up with an old garbage bag wont help it or make it go away. (BUT IF FEEL SO RIGHT TO TRY). I can still feel the pain nonetheless. And trying to cover it with a big black bag or hiding in a corner only gives you a false hope that you can control your life or the pain you suffer.

But you cant. And it's good to know that. And since pain does not equal damnation to eternal hell, you discover that at some point, it plateaus, levels off, and eventually recedes (SO THE NEXT WAVE CAN HIT, HAHA, SUCKER). And, yes, the next wave may bring more pain, but it may also bring happiness.

But you will never know, if you go off to hide from it.

Retrieval Day

2006-04-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

We arrived early at 6:50 a.m. They only do one retrieval at a time, and we were first in line. I was so nervous about not having any eggs. All signs of bloat disappeared, and i felt nothing in the ovary regions ... nothing.

We're put in a room and the nurse gives us the run down for the rest of the day and the coming weeks. More doxicylin today, progesterone starts tonight, baby aspirin starts tomorrow, and metho-something else.

Next, we wait for the anestesiologist to come in and hook me up to an iv. It's a LONG wait. In the meantime, we discover that our room has another bed just beyond the wall and that it's actually a double room. Another couple walks in, and we are separated by a curtain.

The fellow ivf-er in the room is told that the wait is going to be another hour and a half. So we're all waiting.

I can see feet walk by from beneath my curtain. We are told that the procedure room is right next door. I watch as feet go in and feet come out. Then someone on a wheelchair is rolled out. Other people are being let in ahead of us.

Then the RE finally comes in to talk to us. She's not our RE, but the one filling in. She says that there's a chance that we will cancel the retrieval. The embryologists can't find any sperm in the three vials we had frozen. I cant believe it. I just cant believe it. The urolgoist was so confident in the sample. He's the president of some urological association, and he's one of the top rated infertility urologists in our area. And he was so convinced that doing a fresh tesa wouldnt be necessary, so convinced that if the embryologists reallys looked, they would find something. I prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED for them to find something, just look one more time. Oh God, please, please, PLEASE.

In the end, there was no sperm, and the procedure was cancelled. We left with the feeling of having our tails tucked neatly between our legs. It was awful, and the couple in the room next to us was so silent as the doctor delivered our news, that they, no doubt, heard. As if it's not bad enough that this is going on, but it's gotta be public too?

I am in shock now, still. Like i really expect the doctor's office to call and tell me there was some mistake. My ovaries are none too happy either, cramping and hurting. I can hardly stand up straight from the pressure and pain of wanting to ovulate 20x over.

But i cant believe this has happened. We were rescued from permanent infertility on the hope of those vials. And now, we're suddenly back to square one? Why? Towards the end of the mourning, i accepted our situation, made peace, and began to move on. And now, i feel slapped back to beginning of it all.

I was doing fine before ivf. I didnt need this trip. This is the last thing i ever wanted to do with my life. But, once i started it, i discovered that it wasnt so bad. The needles, the early morning doctor visits, the medication ... wasn't so scary as i thought. In fact, there were many evenings where i would start giggling right before an injection, which would cause my belly girate and make injection difficult, and dh would say "stop jiggling," which would make me start laughing all over again. In a way, it was a whole lot funner than i ever thought imaginable.

But then to go through all that to end up here? Cancelled at the 11th hour?

I dont know what to make of it. Am i bad person? Am i being punished? Is God mad at me? Why did i get pulled off the good progress i made with living with permanent infertility only to get smacked with it again? I mean, this again?

I dont know what to think, i just know it's been a bad day.

Where is the moment we need the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

Trigger

2006-04-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Oh, the adventures of today never end. Dh took me out to my favorite restaurant. It was a beautiful day and lovely ride. Midway through the meal, i had the worst stomach ache, having to run to the bathroom for number 2. Disgusting. But it gets worse. I have the worst stomach cramps, but at the same time, i want to throw up. I feel my pulse rise because i cant decide which one is worse. I absolutely HATE throwing up. But, oh the stomach cramps. It's the worst sensation.

But it gets worse.

There is only one stall in this bathroom and it clogs up. Yeah, that's right. I flushed the toilet to watch it slowly swell back, and suddenly i have visions of the contents overflowing all over and me having to explain this faisco to the restaurant manager. FUN TIMES. Conveniently, the owners have a plunger right by the toilet (guess this isnt the first time the toilet clogs up). I decide that it's worth trying to clear this up without giving anyone a glimpse of my stomach's malcontent.

Disaster averted. But, i have to wonder where the stomach upset came from. Was it the spicey food not mixing well on Follistim? Or was it just bad food? I dont know. It was just awful all around.

We come home with plenty of time trigger by 8pm. Our clinic gave us an instruction video, courtesy of the drug makers. Wouldnt you guess, the HCG portion of the video is scratched and unwatchable?

So then we revert to the paper instructions we were given. Our clinic would have drawn a bull's eye on my butt, but they were pretty sure the trigger would be tomorrow and i was returning for an u/s tomorrow.

Ok, so no bull's eye, just a dh upset/panicked/upset about having to inject me. Anyone else fine, but just not me. And yet, i aint gonna do it. So it's back to him. Actually, he didnt try to get out of it, but he was afraid of accidentally hurting me and of accidentally hitting a sciatic nerve. It didnt help matters that the instructional video was a dud.

He pulls out a needle and drops it. New needle. He mixes the powder with the water. For some reason, he cant get all of the solution into the syringe. There's a drop left at the bottom. That took a good 5 minutes to finagle. And still, it looked like a drop was left.

Then dh repeats that he's uncomfortable with hurting me and this injection isnt going to be as "painfree" as the follistim and lupron. Once he finally locates the upper, outer quadrant of my butt, he injected me, checked for blood (none), and finished the injection. And, it wasn't as bad as all that. However, dh is still not recovered, overwhelmed and exhausted is more like.

We have retrieval scheduled for 8am Sunday. We have to leave our house by 5:30 am.

I hope the HCG works. I'm just not feeling as bloated as yesterday or as bloated as i've read that people feel right before retrieval. Is that a sign?

I Feel Really Bad

2006-04-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

So, i cant get over the fact that my estradiol plateaued and was in fact down a few points from yesterday. I feel really bad about this, like suddenly, crying nonstop seems like a really good idea. To induce this deluge is the following report from Dr. Google:

Subtle spontaneous decreases in estradiol levels are associated with very poor IVF outcomes.

This from a report entitled "Falling estradiol levels as a result of intentional reduction in gonadotrophin dose are not associated with poor IVF outcomes, whereas spontaneously falling estradiol levels result in low clinical pregnancy rates."

Dont you find that disturbing and cry-worthy? And did it have to say "very poor IVF outcomes," like poor IVF outcome wasn't bad enough. But very poor? What am i supposed to do with that little bit of joyous news? Huh?!

Moreover, i no longer feel bloated. I feel physically great today. My boobs are still a bit sore. But I feel some EWCM. Should i be concerned that i ovulated? Well, i am concerned.

I feel really bad about this. Anyone have experience with this?

It's just one of those days.

4.5 hours to trigger.

No Skipping For YOU!

2006-04-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

The nurse called. She's only supposed to call if there's a problem. I think she knew i was happy and skipping. She called to tell me that i need to trigger tonight because my estrodial number is plateauing at 1941 (a bit lower than yesterday), and therefore not going up as expected. Doctor wants us to trigger sooner, rather than later, "just in case." Just in case what? What happens if estrodial numbers plateau and dont go up?

To add misery to fear, we found out that we cant do a fresh TESE in case we need one because it's not covered by our insurance at this time. Sooooo, if the frozen goods dont work, i'm going to have to repeat this whole thing.

And then, to add hilarity to this lovely mix of fear and misery, my SIL and backup ride for the aforementioned double procedures (in case we're both under on that day), emails me to tell me she thought we were harvesting last Monday and that she was to be on call for last monday. She meant to call me to ask how it went. But i guess she never got around to it. Awwww. And then this monday, she's not available because she has a mandatory meeting at 2pm and on tuesday she's not available because she has her own gyne appointment.

Who asked her about tuesday?

Anyway, i wrote her back to say that we dont really need her anymore anyway. Retrieval is now scheduled for Sunday, and there will be no fresh tese for me.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 5, Day 8 of Stims

2006-04-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

So, i've been on stims since Wednesday night of last week. Everything is a-ok, according to nurse. Largest follicle measured 18.5. Looks like we trigger tomorrow, on Saturday. So EXCITING! I feel like skipping.

Skip, skip, skip to my lou ...

... dont ask, i'm an overstimulated, overovulating woman.

Stim & Ultrasound 4 with 7 days of stims

2006-04-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Too tired to go to work. And I'm so BLOATED. I've morphed into a big fat fatty. And i have stomach upset.

Today's report: largest follicle is 16.5. That's it. Nothing further. Too tired to ask.

Another apointment tomorrow.

I'm going to lay down.

Stim & Ultrasound 3

2006-04-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I couldn't get up this morning, missed my train, and was late for my appointment. But in the middle of the night, mind you, i'm W...I...D...E awake.

Anyway, nurse said lining is 8.5 and largest follicle was 14 and that there were 15. Interesting to note that not all follicles necessarily contain eggs. Some can be duds. ... or some can be dudes ... ha ha, get it, get it?? ... This is humor jacked up on stim drugs, lupron, and fatigue. Funny, huh?
But getting back to my point ... about 20-30% of the eggs harvested can be duds.

More tomorrow.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 2

2006-04-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

On my second ultrasound & blood work visit, the nurse found a follicle as big as 12 (mm?). The lining was a 6. What does that mean? I dunno.

I think it means it's too early to get into numbers. But, the nurse did say that i could be retrieving by the 23rd. Noooooooooooo. We just have one leeettle problem with the 23rd. Our insurance wont cover it, but it will cover the 24th because our doctor wont be available on the 23rd and the insurance wont cover the doctor who is. Yeah, yeah, dumbass morons, etc.

So now i'm actually glad i accidentally started stims late. Maybe that'll increase my chances of retrieving on the 24th.

Another utltrasound & blood is wednesday.

What Happens When You Dont Record Injections

2006-04-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, on our merry trip down injection road, we had the following conversation:

dh: i cant pinch anything, relax your leg.
me: (with my eyes closed as they always are through injections): it is

I feel a prick in my thigh. Then i feel another one.

me: did you just inject me twice.
dh: the first one didnt penetrate and bounced off (chuckling and seriously amused). You have, like, thunder thighs or something. The needle bounced back and nearly poked me in the eye.

ha ha ... but onto twice a day follistum. After injecting into me, dh comes downstairs and says:

dh: i think we have to do the follistum again. I think the cartridge i used was empty.
me: What! So, you just injected 150 units of AIR INTO MY BELLY?
dh: well, it's just units, not like cc's. It'll be ok.

He gets the cartridge out again and sees that the pen went from 150 down to 50. So it turns out, he had injected 100 units into me and just needed to add another 50. At the end he said:

dh: you know, we should really record this stuff.
me: YA THINK?

By the way, we were "recording" all this. Dh just forgot to record this morning's. Hope he learned that lesson!

Good grief.

Stim Ultrasound & Blood 1

2006-04-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

Just came back from my first ultrasound after being on stims since Wednesday night. One follicle. Is that normal at the first ultrasound? It measured at 8.5. There are more, but too small to measure.

Is this normal at this point in the cycle? Nurse said it was. But, what else is she supposed to say?

I have another ultrasound monday morning.

Stim Panic Over (for the most part)

2006-04-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

I called the RE about missing my first shot, and she asked then if i took a double dose at night. Um, no, why would i think to do that? Anyway, they've marked it in my chart and then on Saturday's ultrasound, they'll check and see if i need to up the dosage or anything. So, i hope i didnt screw anything up. Someone at the clinic should have reminded me! Don't you think a nurse should have said, "now remember, this is the one you do TWICE a day."

I know the next one, single HCG shot in the behind, a mixture of liquid and powder. Then after that it's progesterone.

Oh, and the RE said that we might aspirate on 23rd! Wahoo! But, maybe not, given my late start.

This is so nerve wracking. I can hardly focus on work. And i know this isnt even the tough part yet. What about all that wait AFTER the transfer?

OH MY GOD ... DID I JUST SCREW THIS CYCLE UP?! HELP!!!

2006-04-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, y'all know i was supposed start stims today. And, since my baseline Monday, i've been trying to figure out a way to start earlier and waiting, waiting, WAITING for April 12 to come around! Now, there's just one teensy, weensy problem. I forgot, COMPLETELY FORGOT, that stims are done twice a day, TWICE. That means, once in the morning and once in the evening.

Well this little brainchild made this realization on the train home from work. I made it home in time for the evening stim, but missed the morning stim (waaaaaaaaaaaaa) Now, i'm wondering, did i just screw up my schedule???? Can i still be aspirated by April 24? Or did i just completely muck this up? Someone please tell me it's ok.

And i still have a question about pomelo. Anyone know where i can get my hands on some?

THANKS!

Pomelo Yellow

2006-04-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Pomelo season is over ;( Yesterday, i had my last pomelo of the season. I have one every night. I LOVE pomelos, and now, no more until December.

I just can't believe no one's growing pomelos for the next 6 months. I would order this online if i could find it. Anyone know how to get pomelos off-season? Or, better yet, anyone a pomelo farmer looking for a good customer?

In the meantime, we are mourning the loss of our favorite fruit and trying (struggling) to find a nightly replacement (that's NOT chocolate cake, the other go-to "fruit").

IVF Schedule ... drum roll please ...

2006-04-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

So here's my schedule (partial):

April 12: Start stim
April 15: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 17: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 18: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 19: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 20: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 21: Bloodwork & ultrasound
April 22: HCG (assuming blood and ultrasound say it's ok)
April 24: Aspiration all around the nation (sorry, i couldnt help it. I'm a poet and didnt even know it.)

Transfer some time after that (God willing!), depends on what the embryologists say, 3 day/5 days. God knows :)

But here's what the rest of the schedule might look like:

April 27: Day 3 transfer
April 29: Day 5 transfer
April 30-May7: rest & relax and think of cute embryoes attaching to my uterus and lovin their new home.
May 8: pregnany test

I have a question for those of you who've done this before. Do i take a day or 2 off after retrieval? How many days should i take off after transfer?

What about assisted hatching? I dont know a thing about it except what it means. Some clinics do it automatically. Is it worth the cost? Should i chance it without? Does it matter?

Showers Are For Weeping

2006-04-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

I had a real rough day today. I was invited to two showers, one baby and one bridal. I usually try to avoid baby showers, but this one was my husband's neice's. How could i get out of it? I showered and dressed and then started crying. I just couldnt go. I could just see myself crying the whole way there, holding my breath through the shower, and crying the whole way to the next shower? And, then what, show up with puffy eyes like i've just been attacked by the stork?

So, i begged dh not to go to the baby shower. And he relented, once the tears started rolling. How could he say no to those? Anyway, but i was totally emotionally drained after that. I didnt feel like going to the bridal shower either. But, it was for dh's good friend, and i really meant to go. But i was just so out of it. I debated, but in the end i went.

Mistake. I didnt know anyone well and most everyone was either younger than me, way too much older than me, or just my age with a few toddlers attached. I gravitated towards the one woman who was sort of my age, had two little girls and was pregnant. But i've seen her at parties before and she was always so warm with me, and i never took the time to meet her because she was always toting a toddler. But today, when i saw her pregnant, i decided i cant wait for her to get out of the toddler stage to get to know her.

So, it was nice. I was right about her, until she asked me how many kids i had. When i told her none, the conversation came to a screechingly eery halt. It wasnt her fault. She didnt know. But i felt bad. Really bad. And then suddenly it felt like there was nothing left to talk about. (In reality, she got busy with her two kids.) The woman on the other side of me began a conversation with the woman next to her about when she was going to "start" trying for her next child. So i was just really trapped.

It didnt help matters that i already felt bad before i came, or that this lovely woman brought her lovely mom with her. So, double wammy ... or should i say double mommy ... ha ha ... welcome to my shower, here's everything you dont have but always wanted, enjoy!

I just know one thing. I never EVER want to go to another shower again.

EVER.

Who's Here? Aunt Flo Who?

2006-04-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

I got my period! Oh my God! ... YESTERDAY! Wow, that was much sooner than i thought. I still dont believe i have it. No warnings. I didnt realize that it would start so soon after starting Lupron.

Speaking of Lupron, so far so good. I felt pretty confident in handing over the injection reigns over to dh, who at some point in his youthful years worked in a lab. And he's so gentle and mild-mannered to boot. So, i figured i was in good hands, until i handed the package over to him and he asks, "Um, so, how much of this stuff am i supposed to inject?"

Err, what? Dont you know? I dont know. Wait. Lemme get my notes ... my notes say 1=.5. What the heck? Why did i write that?

A panicked call to the fertility hotline informed me that only my doctor can tell me how much medicine i'm supposed to take. So i called my doctor and she said 1cc =.5 ml.

Oh.

So after that was all figured out, it became routine, like we've been doing this all the time.

And then yesterday, the good RE said that unless i start follistum yesterday (meaning my period start too) then i'm looking at harvesting in the week of April 23, instead of April 17 (which is cutting it too close). And wouldnt you know as soon as i hung up with her, i got my period. I called her back and left numerous messages because she said for me to call her back as soon as i got my period.

I also called the fertility center to setup my next appointment for a day 3 ultrasound. That conversation went something like this (literally, verbatim):

Me: I got my period today (YAY)
Nurse: Ok, then we need to set you up for an ultrasound. How's monday at 8, 8:30, 0r 9.
Me: Um ... 8:30 sounds good.
Nurse: Alrightee, you're set up for the baseline ultrasound. Everything seems set to go ... except for the $10,000 that is due. Will you be paying that before the baseline test?
Me: HUH? WHAT!??!??!?!?!??!??!?!?!??!?????????????????????
Nurse: I'm just reading what it says in the computer in your notes.
Me: There's some mistake. What's this about?
Nurse: It says here you've been denied coverage.
Me: I cant believe that, i just spoke with the insurance company TWO DAYS AGO and they said it was covered.
Nurse: Well the insurance coordinator is gone for the day.
Me: Can i speak to someone else, i dont want to have to worry about this the whole weekend.
Nurse: Her boss is gone for the day too.

Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, not quite what i want to hear a few days before i start Follistum and growing a bunch of eggs. Why didnt anyone ever call me to let me know there was a problem? Is it any wonder that anyone can actually conceive in this process. How am i supposed to react? It's not because my eggs didnt work or his sperm didnt work or my ute didnt work, nooooo, it's because my bank account was empty that we couldnt conceive in the end?

And i'm not supposed to have an emotional reaction to this? I mean, it's tough enough as it is, tough enough not being able to conceive through natural processes, without intervention, tough enough to accept intervention and be injected and monitored and prodded and holding my breath and praying. Infertility alone is TOUGH ENOUGH, thank you, i dont need to be petrified in the process. And debt has a way of petrifying a person. .... yeah, i learned that gem of wisdom the hard way.

Ok, that's my rant for the day. Still haven't heard from my doctor, but i guess we already have a plan for harvesting in the week of April 23, so starting Follistum on monday should give plenty of time to grow eggs in time for harvest.

Oh well. Got to run and shoot up. It's that time of the night :)

*UPDATE: Thanks to the comment from Summer who pointed out my typo, i meant to say 1 cc=5 units. D'oh!

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-04-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago was my birthday. Yeah, happy birthday to me. It was on a Sunday. My mom calls me up to wish me a happy birthday and our conversation goes somewhat like:

Mom: Happy Birthday.
Me: Thank you
Mom: I called you yesterday (Saturday) at your work.
Me: I was at home.
Mom: I thought maybe you decided to work yesterday so I called you at work to invite you over for a birthday dinner.
Me: Oh, thanks, but i'm usually at home on the weekends and i went out with dh for my birthday.
Mom: Well, okay, then ... well, if you're still interested in a coming over for dinner ... let's see what time is it ... yeah, i guess i could put something together.
Me: No thanks, i'm not feeling well (because i was sick to my stomach on bcp).

Anyway, soooooooo, guess who's birthday is THIS weekend? C'mon ... need a clue? She was born 4 years after me. Yeah, that's right, my sister, who lives 2 hours away, while i'm a scant half hour from dear mom. But mom called me up to tell me that "It's your sister's birthday this weekend, you know, and i'm going up to visit her." And she says "you know" with such emphasis like i've been remiss somehow in not knowing, but i havent as i've already sent dear sis a gift , though i debated it because she sent me a card that said in its print what a good sister i was, blah, blah, blah, to which dear sis deigned to add "I couldnt have said it better myself. Happy Birthday." Thanks for taking the time for writing me such a heartfelt note, sis. Oh wait, thank you Hallmark for knowing how to express my sister's feelings. You saved her the bother.

But, but, but, i decided it doesnt matter what she sent (or did not) or said (or did not), what matters is how i choose to relate to her. And i was in the gift giving mood (or maybe it was the lupron).

I told my sister what happened, the conversation, the disparity, the unfairness, the fact that dm has TWO daughters who's birthdays should be celebrated. Sis said "I never noticed this." Nooooooooooooooooo, really? You, baby of the family who got all of mommy's attention never noticed when i wasnt? And therefore, what? It's not true???????? Which, yes, was what she was implying. I mean, if SHE didnt notice it, well, then, heh, it must not be true.

Anyway, dont know if she saw reason by the end of that conversation, and i usually dont point this stuff out to her. But she's not a baby anymore and i had a feeling that she never "saw" this going on, so i just had to point it out since it was going on now and she can stop saying "i never saw this." That bugs! I get no validation from dear mom, but to add injury to insult, DS is going to join her?

I told dh about it. He was INCENSED. LIVID. How could this be fair?

To me, it's life as usual.

But this morning, on our way to work, dh kissed my hand and said "happy birthday."

21st Day!

2006-04-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Yay! Today's the 21st day i've been on bcp. So today i start lupron. I'm really excited. Lupron until my period starts, then back to fertility center for another baseline test ... yadda, yadda, yadda and a little badabing and we'll be shopping at Target again! If only it were that easy. And speaking of Target, man, that's like a mommy's haven. I dont get around to Tarjay that often because i usually spend my weekends lolling between the bed and the coach and so i'm WAY TOO busy to go shopping, sillies. But now, with bcp, dostinex, prenatal vitamins, gluten free diet, and good ole american excitation all around the nation, my emotions and hormones are all over the board. As you know, i started out this ivf month with upset stomach, a general disgust of food, and sore breasts. The stomach upset and food disgust have settled a bit thanks to pepcid, although i'm still not doing coffee or brownies. But NOW, i'm like, NESTING or something. Suddenly, i'm organizing my laundry with great interest and excitement, putting up curtains, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the pantry ... and hence i've had to make many MANY visits to Tarjay.

But, i hope that's it for now because, really, that place is totally geared towards preggers, babies, and young mommies. Ever notice how HUGE the maternity section is? No, really, it's like twice as big as the women's clothing section (not that i shop there for clothing, mind you, unless i'm looking for something a little hoochified, which on a occasion, i admit, i am. With all these scantily clad women on tv, i always want dh to know and see that he's got better, right at home. Yeah, well i can try! So said attire is usually only worn for his gazing--lest you think i'm not mother material--and usually doesnt get to stay on all that long ;) Ok, but back to my point about the maternity section that took over the store. It's not just that, the clothes in that section are cuter than the clothes in other sections. Invariably, my eye always catches a cute top and then i look up to see "maternity." I refuse, RE-FUSE, to buy maternity clothes, no matter how cute the top, unless i'm pregnant.

And THEN, the baby section spills over into the whole store. You walk out of the bathroom section and run into the baby t's section. You walk by the registers and must pass all the cute kids' clothes. You walk out of the shoe section to run into the baby furniture section. And this is to say nothing of all the pregnant women and small cute babies that infiltrate that store.

So no more Target for me, except that i'm looking for this one ottoman, and after going to 3 different targets in the area and looking online, i cant find it anywhere. What i really want is one of those big square brown leather ottomans for the living room. But i'm doing it ala Trading Spaces, with 4 little faux leather square otts squeezed together. (Hey, in defense of Fertile Soul, she is trying to have a baby and wants to save moula for Hello Kitty decor, of course!) . . . So, what to do, what to do, about the missing 3 otts that causes me to venture yet again into preggyland???

Anyway, but enough about Target, let's talk about me. Mememememememe. I'm a little anxious. These drugs give me small waves of anxiety. A few waves strung together and i feel so self-conscious, out of place, and out of sorts. Add to that my RE's recent call to discuss donor options in case things dont work out has set me a little off kilter. And then, i feel sad. Yeah, that's right me--hyper, excited, cant-wait-to-be-poked-by-a-needle me. I'm also having waves of fall-to-my-knees-cant-stop-crying weeping. This is really an emotional roller coaster and i feel so alone.

I know i shouldnt, but i do. And i dont want to admit it because i feel like i failed then somehow. And i dont want to feel like a failure.

You Know How BCP Works?

2006-03-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

I betchya didnt know the truth behind bcp and its so called "method" of controlling birth. Ha! ... Sex control is more like. I mean, who's really in the mood for sex when they're bloated, fat, 10 pounds heavier, fat, moody, emotional, teary eyed with sore breasts, headaches, stomach aches, and no appetite for food or sex? I look and feel pregnant without the benefit of actually being pregnant. And that, my dear internetties, my friends in fertile frolics, is the real turn off.

I went to my primary care physician to see if it's the flu. She said it's unlikely for the flu to linger around for so long without making itself more known through nausea and/or fever (which i dont have). So, it's more likely to be the side effects of dostinex (not bcp). And, for everyone out there taking this tiny pill to lower prolactin levels, DO NOT TAKE IT WITH SUDAF.ED OR THE.RA FLU!!! It's not very clear on the box, but these two do NOT mix. What you can take is exced.rin, aspirin, ibuprofin, pept.o bism.al, and pepcid.

Last night i woke up at 4 am and had me a can of 7u.p to settle my stomach. I never drink soda. This can has been sitting in my garage since last summer. But now i feel like i need a can of soda to make it through every meal.

Well, i'm just glad and relieved to know, actually, that this is just side-effects and not the flu. I want to continue with my ivf schedule, without having to take a break for flu. And i dont have to take the dostinex for that long. I think just until pregnancy or something. And, i accidentally doubled up on the dosage the other day. I'm supposed to take it twice a week. I took it twice in two days. Aye yay yay.

Anyway, Lupron starts on Monday, April 3--i think. That's my 21st day of bcp. So i think that's the day, but i'm supposed to call the RE first that day. In the meantime, i will be sucking on pep.cid.

And i wanted to thank everyone who stopped by to wish me well during my moment of "weakness." Did i mention that one of the side-effects of dostinex is emotionality? So, like, everything i ever felt bad about in the past but had it tightly, snugly swept on the carpet is suddenly surfacing in waves of emotionality. Not quite sad, not quite mad, not quite down, just weird and out of sorts.

So thank you for your support :)

Cheers

2006-03-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm suffering today from a decidedly lack of friendship. The few friends i did tell about our ivf dont really call and ask about me. If they do, they're just calling for an update, basically, i feel like they're calling for an update to the countdown to know when it's appropriate to ask if your pg or not. But there's really no one around who can appreciate the emotional ramifications and toll this takes.

And, my parents know nothing about this. As far as they know, we're still infertile, and i'd rather keep it that way. There's never been any support from that quarter. So i'm not even going to bother.

The RE called me yesterday. She's such a sweetheart. But i should have known that something was up, else why is she callin? I'm still on bcp for another 10 days or so.

Well, without going into great detail, she called to review our options in case egg and sperm do not care to meet, and apparently, there's some chance of that happening. As in, they never cared to meet in the privacy of our bedouir, suddenly they're going to care about it with an audience about under the blaring lights of a petri dish?

Ok, that's not how she put it, but she called to remind us of our options (donors being one) and suddenly it feels like someone just punched me in the stomach and threw cold water on me at the same time. It's not her fault (AT ALL). But when we were first informed that there's a chance of ivf, we were under the impression that we had a good chance of having our own genes to work with. Now suddenly the picture isnt so rosey.

And i have no one to talk to about this. I feel so sad. I mean, well, it's a small chance that my cute egg wont like the sudden introduction of dh's awesome sperm. My cute egg will probably want a little romance, sweet talkin, and some cuddlin. But there really is that chance that our cells wont meet. What then? And isnt that sad? I want to cry.

Well, on a grand level, i can see that this will leave us no worse off than where we started (although i will be drugged up and down and all around). But in the long run, we started with no kids and might end up with no kids. No "real" loss. But, i cant be so mathematical about it. Yes we started with no kids, but things changed. Now we think about it and hope for it. And if we dont get it, it's a new loss for us. We cant just go back to the previous mourning and think, well, good thing i already mourned this cuz now this aint gonna hurt so much! Dummy.

And today, it kinda hurts, especially when there's no one around to comfort you and help you feel it's going to be all right. Even my favorite go-to comfort (brownies) cant help me today. Suddenly, now that i'm on bcp, brownies sound so disgusting to me. Yeah, i know. I can hardly believe it. I even baked some today. I have no desire to taste them. More on that later.

I just wanted to say, i'm having one those days.

On that note, i shall leave with this song and proof that i am a true product of the 80's. In lieu of an actual mp3 (which i dont know how to attach) here are the lyrics.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

Theme Song to Cheers

Injection Instruction

2006-03-23T15:25:00.000-08:00

So i took the day off and i really needed it. The stomach ache got worse in the night, and i was really tired. To top things off, I havent had a cup of coffee since Sunday, and i havent gone without my morning coffee ritual since high school. You'd think i was pregnant or something. I'm really beginning to think that these are the effects of bcp. My body no likey.

Anyway, I did manage to get up and go to injection instruction class, albeit late. But they were okay about it. Dh and i both went. As dh tried his hand at mastering the technique of progesterone injections, he only stuck himself once, hehe. I know, i laugh now, but just wait until i'm on the receiving end of that needle. We'll see who's laughing (or crying).

In another 13 days (i think) i'm supposed to start lupron. The 21st day of bcp. I started on March 14. So, 21 plus 14 days puts me at ... oh ... hold up while i try some mental gymnastics and type at the same time ... ok, it turns out i cant. But according to the computer calendar it says April 4. Yippee! Then take that for one week. Then we start something else. See, i already forgot. That, and i still have a headache from yesterday that comes and goes.

But it's all good in the hood. They gave us a couple of dvds and a lot of instructions, in case we forget anything when the actual time to start injection rolls around in another 2 weeks. There's also a website and hotline for extra extra help, which we'll probably have on speed dial when the time comes.

We also finally handed in all of our consent forms. It turns out that it's just easier to sign in front of the nurse, than trying to find a notary instead. And i'd like to offer a little caveat emptor for those who need to sign those forms and havent read them yet ... um, like, they ask some serious soul searching questions. For instance, did you know that in the event of multiple pregnancies you have the option of terminating one or some? Did you know that? I didnt. Nor did i really want to contemplate it. But they do. So do you want to terminate any? Huh, huh, huh??? Oh, but it doesnt stop there. Then they ask in the event that you create viable embryoes, do you wanna freeze all the unused ones? And if one of you becomes incapacitated, what happens to the embryoes? And if you both become incapacitated, what happens? And, if you both divorce, who gets them? huh, huh, huh??? Answer me, or there's NO IVF FOR YOU!

Goodness, so, my word of forewarning is that those forms are not for the faint hearted. On the last questions, dh was like, "huh? what's this question? this isnt a question. i'm not answering this. The answer is no." Hehe. I said, "honey, i'm not asking for a divorce here, they just want to know who gets the goods in the off chance there is one. Me, you, or the garbage can? They just want some initials by any one of these boxes." After a short silence he says "you."

I lub him.

Saline Wash

2006-03-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

I'm still feeling kinda icky. Upset stomach, can't eat anything, really (but i am cuz i'm a food-aholic). My foodaholicism is not jiving with my stomach very much. Today i woke up really tired. But i had to come to work, i had to! First, it's not THAT bad, right? You know, just as soon as you decide to stay home you start to feel so much better, all symptoms suddenly disappear, which leaves you only with the guilt of having taken a day off for no good reason. Besides, i dont know how i will react to all the other meds and i really want to preserve what little time off i have for emergency circumstances like that. Right now i'm just on bcp and destenex (sp?).

Besides that, my saline ultrasound was today and it's by my work, so i HAD to go to work for the doctor's appt. I decided that dh didnt need to accompany me to this appt as it's very far from his work (aka home) and that, well, it's just an ultrasound. Had one last week, no biggee.

But as i arrive, i begin to realize, wait a minute, this is, like, an ultrasound to see if there are any lumps or bumps in the uterus that might interfere with baby making or growing. And what if the doctor had to tell me some horrible news, like we need to delay ivf because there are some lumps and bumps that will need to be removed first. Wait, why didnt i bring dh?!?!!? OMG. I cant find out something like this by my lonesome self. How could i put myself in this situation? What was i thinking? If i only i asked him to come. I just didnt want to waste his time, ya'know?

Emotional meltdown and crisis averted by the delivery of the doctor's news ... everything's ok, and we can move forward to the next step: Injection Instruction. That's tomorrow. And, yes, you bet dh is coming to that one.

As for the actual procedure, the saline wash, well, i was a little surprised by it. A catheter goes in (which is really a horrible word for a plastic tube) so that they can inject this saline wash (feels like a gallon, but it's more like 20 ml) and THEN they reinsert you with that ultrasound-dildo-cam-amabob and THAT's when things get little tight. As in, what the F#*&"*&#*%!* is going on in there, and NO PUN INTENDED! Jeez Louis. And right as i'm thinking that, the doctor floods my uterus with the saline water and suddenly i feel all crampy and pms-y. So that's why i feel so bloated, crampy, and heavy right before my period. Right before the uterine lining sheds, it gets a little tight inside there, apparently. Or so i'm guessing. I really dont know.

Anyway, so that was that. I was feeling a lot better, grabbed me a tomato/mozarella salad (mmmmmmmmmm, gewd) and went back to work, where i subsequently wolfed it down and gave myself another monumental stomach ache, to match the headache already booming in my head. The headache is either caffeine withdrawal (hadnt had my usual cup a joe since this faux flu started) or it's bcp or destonex. It cant be the last two, right? I mean, i've been taking those for a good 5 days before these symptoms started.

Ok, back to work. I want to go home. I should take the day off tomorrow just because this is too much. But i have that injection instruction class, right by work. Should i reschedule that? When do injections start anyway? I just started the second week of bcp.

I need a nap.

Oh My Stomach

2006-03-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

It all started with a ripping headache this weekend, which i dealt with via Ex.cedrin Mig.raine (hope that's ok to take, but the headache was BAD). Those symptoms disappeared and now I am suffering from a sour stomach. I cant pinpoint the source with any certainty. I know for sure what's it not ... it's not a pregnancy, haha. But, oh man, i feel so flu-ish. It's either the birth control, the dostinex, the ex.cedrin, gluten sensitivity that i've been insensitive to, orrrrr the indian food i had this weekend. Or it could be the change of season flu. But man it was terrible today. Not nauseousness but a disgusting sour stomach, queasy feeling that stayed with me all day. I went to work because i dont have any sick days to spare. I'm trying to save the sick days for the upcoming egg extraction and implantation and any other emergencies. Cant afford to spend it on slight queasiness.

For now, i dont want to eat another thing FOR A WEEK.

In the meantime, i have my saline ultrasound coming up this wednesday, and then on thursday me and dh are going to have injection instruction, to which dh quips he doesnt need any "instruction," har har.

What else, what else? Hmmm. I have a tummy ache and food sounds disgusting to me, but i still eat it!

Our 1 year old frig broke down for the third time, probably in support of my sour stomach. But it's awfully irritating to lose another frig load of food for no good reason! And it's a freakin Ken.more in case y'all are in the market for a new frig. Dont get that one.

Ok, now i shall run and do a load of laundry. I've made some progress with my plans to get my house organized. I'm more than halfway done with the laundry. Most of the rooms are picked up and clean. I just need to fold the clothes and put them away.

And then to bed with my upset stomach. Any suggestions to calm the upset that does not contain the words "alk.a selt.zer" or "baking soda"--or else we shall see the contents of my stomach all over the kitchen sink.

Baseline

2006-03-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

So i went in for the baseline workup. Is that what it's called? It's the ultrasound and bloodwork you need on days 1-3 of your cycle. Got that done and I'm feeling pretty excited. Why? Why do i feel excited despite having a dildo cam probing my insides? Oh, and can we say GROSS!!!

But i'm glad that's done, it just means that i could now move onto the next phase ... starting birth control, sigh. You know, i've never taken the stuff? Yup, yup, yup. I believed in more natural alternatives. And, well, apparently i never needed the stuff anyway. So, yay for intincts gone right! But now, here i am, taking it. Gulp. I guess, i'd like to observe a moment of mourning for losing the battle to succeed the natural way .... I tried ;(

But now i'm here and it's ok. You know why? Because the body is amazingly resilient. It can take a beating and with proper care it can be restored. Toxins can be expelled. The only difference now is that usually we're unaware of the toxins we're accumulating in our bodies. But this time i'm aware. Sigh, Ignorance is bliss.

But onwards and upwards, i say. This rollercoaster ride is incrementally clinking its way up. My next appointment is March 22 for a saline ultrasound. What the heck is that? I mean, i know what saline is, but what's it supposed to do to my insides and what's it supposed to show? Also, i'm still trying to finish this mountain of consent forms. We signed them alright, but did you know they HAVE TO BE NOTARIZED?! grrrrrrrrrrrr.

And now, i must call my insurance company. It seems like they have some drugs they need to send to me.

Clink ... clink ... clink

Seeing Red

2006-03-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

AF arrived Saturday night. Well, technically, it was 4 am in the morning, so i should say it arrived today, March 12. Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Here's the thing. For a moment there, i prayed, i mean REALLY PRAYED that i could be and get pregnant without ivf. If not for infertility, it's like such a shame to turn my body into a science project, with unknown and untold consequences to come. You know? I mean, things are ok now, if not for infertility. Physically, it's all right. Mentally, it's all right. And even emotionally, it's all right. In fact, it's all good. So why step into this quagmire, why risk it?

And so sometimes i think, well, if I’m going to get pregnant anyway, why cant I just pray to God to bypass the ivf portion and give me a pregnancy straightaway? Doesnt that seem simpler, easier, better?? Doesnt that make sense? And then when i see red, i think that if God didn’t answer my prayer, well, maybe what that really means is that there's going to be no baby at the end of ivf either. So maybe I shouldn’t bother trying and I should just accept a childless fate. Right? If i prayed for it and didnt get it, why will ivf change that? Ok, on some level (i wont torture you by taking you there) this makes SO MUCH SENSE to me. But doesnt it though?

But i see also, that i'm WAY overthinking this. I have a tendency to do that. It's kinda what gets me into trouble. Yes, it might seem simpler to travel the shortest distance between two points, but sometimes the shortest distance is a matter of perspective ... as we all recall from nonEuclidean geometry, right? For instance, the shortest distance between two points on a piece of paper is straight line, but the shortest distance between two places on the planet is actually a curved line. (See how much fun math is!)

Anyhoo, back to my point. There's one quote from one of my favorite movies (Rudy) where the main character prays and prays and prays to get into Notre Dame but keeps getting rejected. He speaks to the priest after one of his praying sessions and asks about his unanswered prayers, to which the priest says something like "You make your prayers in your time, and God will answer them in His time." Awesome, huh? Go rent it, you'll love it. And, interestingly enough, if Rudy had been accepted into Notre Dame from day one, there never would have been a movie called Rudy. The story was all about achieving his dream of playing on the Notre Dame football team. If he got on the team from the beginning, then there never would have been an inspirational story to tell.

Yeah, see, i'm telling ya, i'm a romantic at heart. I'm still trying to work out the romantic angle of ivf, though. That's a tad tough.

Especially on days when you see red.

Why, Why, Why America?!

2006-03-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

What happened America???!? I feel so betrayed, i could cry. Why did y'all vote Ayla off? That was wrong, i say, wrong! She was good, real good. She deserved a chance. But then she stood there and cried, man, how sad. America, have you no heart!

Well, at least Ryan handled those tears so well, and the audience and judges. Then she had to sing her song, and started off off-key. PAINFUL. But then she finished on a really good note, so good for her. She really is a winner, despite what America thinks, so there.

Oh, and can i just say, thank GOD Kinnick is gone. Girl, she was too much. Ever notice how the smile never quite touched the eyes? I cant stand those types. And she tried too hard to be like the younger crowd or, as she called them, "the babies." Real adult of ya. I didnt like that at all. And, she didnt have the chops like some of others, so it was a good decision America.

But then again, how could you do that to Gideon?! He was so gracious in his defeat. And he really has an awesome voice. And yesterday's rendition of his song gave me the chills, it was that good.

But, with him, i'm comforted by the secret knowledge that he'll be back. He's only 17 and an amazing powerhouse singer. No way we wont be seeing him again. I mean, if j lo can get a contract (whose talent is an astounding ability to sing through her nose), then he's a shoe-in (cause he actually can sing).

But still it was sad. That's it, from now on, i'm going to actually start voting on that show. Let the voice of sanity be heard!

And, on another sad note, i watched "Proof" with Gwenyth Paltrow. Awwww, that movie made me cry. Why? PMS you say? Nooooooo, it's because i think i missed my calling as a ... sniff, sniff, a mathematician. Yes, well, mathematics is SO INTERESTING, especially when you prove something with it. Then it's really good. As good as chocolate. Yeah, that's right. CHOCOLATE. That good. And i wish i had the time and money and time to study it. I wish i were independently wealthy so that i could live at MIT for a spell. Sigh.

Any mathematicians among my fertility seeking friends? Is it really as romantic as i think?

Of course not. Is reality every romantic? The problem is, i'm such a romantic at heart. I could probably make ivf sound like the most romantic form of conception.

Ooooh baby, there's an idea. Mmmmm ... ivf.

Drumming My Fingers

2006-03-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

Well, i'm still here, waiting for af to arrive around March 10-11. It's been pretty regular but i do have those times where it's 5 or 6 or two weeks late. And it's been kind of a stressful month (in a good way!), so i dont know if af will get thrown off.

In the meantime, I've been taking my prenatal vitamins (Wahoo! Never got to do that before). And, let's see what else ... decided to read through the packet of information they gave us two weeks ago at our first visit ;) ... well, they gave us this packet, and i thought, pshht, i dont need this, just gimme the injections already, let's get the ball rolling.

Hehehe, didnt realize that the packet contained a ton, A TON, of forms dh and i have to read and sign before our first day of treatment OR THEY WILL NOT ALLOW US TO GO FORWARD. yikes!

So, i got to do that asap. Me and dh. I dont know what the forms say yet, so i'll report back about them if i find anything interesting.

Oh, and we're signing up for a little acupuncture ... dont know why that never occurred to us before. But dh is especially psyched about it.

Also, i decided to clean up around here. Actually, what i want to do is get the house in order because i dont want to have to do too much house work when we start ivf. And, i dont want to live in a mess for that time. And, i'm not sure what will happen with ivf, so if it goes south, i might not be in any mood to clean up for a while. And being in the dumps and living in a dump is not a good combo.

So far, i've cleaned up the family room, kitchen, and living/dining room. Now, i just want to have my laundry organized, and i should be good. It's the laundry that sometimes overwhelms. It's not my favorite chore ... and there's TOO MUCH!

I also want to continue with yoga for the next month of birth control pills, then i'm going to freeze my membership for a while. But until then, i really want to take advantage of it ... i just get so lazy about it sometimes. I LOVE IT. But i go during lunch and between getting there and the class, it runs to an hour and half. And it ends up being such an interruptions in my work day. My lunch is only 45 minutes, so if anyone notices how long i'm gone, it might create a leeettle awkward situation for me :D. There is a 7am class, but i would have to catch the 5:50 am train to make it, which means i would have to be up at 4:30am at the latest ... which i'm trying!

Ok, well, that's the plan for the next month or so, cleaning up and getting physically ready. No news on the adoption front. Apparently, many other people have come forward with similar backgrounds to the baby. The agency is going to first search through all the agencies in the area to make sure that there isnt a qualified couple that's already licensed and waiting. I've been told the agency has 6 weeks to find permanent placement for the baby. But, i think my chances with ivf are much much higher.

Having said that, i dont even know what my chances are with ivf. Hehehe, i guess i forgot to ask. The chances really dont matter so much, so long as there is "a" chance, i'm in. But, the doctor said that the chances of an actual baby being born from a fertilized egg is 25%. Wait ... actually, i think she did say something about higher chances considering that more than one embryo is transferred, i just cant remember. Maybe i should read that brochure, but i have this problem of getting overwhelmed by information overload. Ignorance is bliss.

All i want is a chance, and i leave the rest to God.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled IVF Entry For a Test From The Emergency Babycasting System

2006-02-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, on the very day that we went for our first appointment, we received a call that went something like ... "Hello, there's a two-week old baby orphan girl in the shelter waiting to be adopted or fostered by a family with a similar background to yours, would you be interested? Hurry now, or the offer ends."

Can you BA'LIEVE IT!? We were floored. What to do? Two week old orphan baby? What a PERFECT AGE to adopt.

But then IVF. It's now or never. It's now. That ship has rolled up the anchors and just about sailed. Just about.

What to do? Jump at the chance to adopt OR stay the IVF course????

Here are the problems. We're not licensed to adopt. And we dont know the first thing about it. All we know is that at some point during our infertiliy journey we decided that we'd like to. You think the department of family services will accept that? There's a chance we could petition the department of family services to help us get licensed and facilitate the adoption paperwork etc., given that the orphan baby's extended family (the one with first rights to adopt) specifically stated that they wanted this baby to go to a home with a similar background and given that this background is in short supply among the pool of adopting parents in the area.

So what to do? Switch gears, and pour all our energies into getting adoption papers? And then, what if it doesnt work out? And we miss the ivf boat? Or what if we do ivf, and it fails?Then we miss the perfect opportunity to adopt a baby of the perfect age? Or do we go for broke and do both? Can we? Should we? Is it humanly possible?

Oh, but then, is this some sort of test? Like, now that i've made peace with infertility and adoption and we've been allowed back into ivf kingdom and given a second chance at having a baby, is this some sort of test of what i've learned? Like do i really want a baby or do i really just want a pregnancy (plus baby)?

Ay yay yay!

And then i realize, that my biggest fear in adopting is what if i dont love her? Well ... what if?

So far, the social worker on this case has not returned my calls. This may all be a moot issue, as the child may be an adult by the time decisions are made in her best interest.

My First Appointment :)

2006-02-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Sooooooo, i've been soooooooooooooo happy these past few days. I cant even believe that it's been more than a week since my last post. I'm still so excited about doing ivf. Weird! But so true. And i just want to tell everyone i know ALL ABOUT IT. Which, again, is weird because who gets excited about doing ivf? I never thought it possible. I never thought i would ever look forward to the doctor's visit on that one.

And i dont know what to do with all this excitement. It's a new experience for me. I think, on some level, i was more prepared to handle disappointment after the procedure. But this, this is all good and i find myself struggling to figure out how it's possible to be so happy about ivf. But i am.

And so in all this excitement, i've morphed into a fertility clinic stalker. Yup. I've been hounding my new fertility clinic for an earlier appointment, seeing if i could be seen sooner than March 15! God, that's SO FAR AWAY!!!

And then today, i got one. Yes! You see, how exciting that is!!! Wahoo. I got me my first appointment--at the early crack of 8 am. The RE was an hour late. No problemo, i was just soooooooooo happy that she would see me (errr, us, but me really, mememememememe). I didnt care if i had to camp there, i was gonna wait.

And i noticed in the waiting room ... NO PARENTING OR BABY MAGAZINES IN SIGHT!!! Yes, i like people who think. It's probably a common thing for fertility clinics not to have baby mags in the waiting area, but then again, i'm always amazed at how some people can just be so stupid. So you never know.

Then we met our RE. She was so nice and pleasant and friendly and ... EXCITED! She was so excited for us, which was nice, cuz her and i were instantaneously on the same wavelength ;)

The next step is ... drum roll please ... waiting for my period! Agugugugugug. I have never ever looked forward to seeing AF like today. And, AF aint due until March 11, or thereabouts. Then, it's one month of birth control, two weeks of follicle stimulations, then retrieval day, then fancy stuff in the lab, then implantation day a few days thereafter. All told, i could be taking an hpt by the end of april! Of course, it'll be one of those fancy schmancy hpt's done in the lab, i'm sure (but i dunno, i plead ignorance. Goes back to my theory about bliss and ignorance).

Anyway, my questions are (in no particular order):

1. Once you start the birth control, is it really 6 weeks until egg retrieval? I want to schedule vacation time, but i'm not sure which days to pick. And how many days?

2. Do you tell your boss you're doing ivf? My initial reaction is no, but now with all this excitement running in my veins, i dont know, it could be spill out.

3. What precisely do you do with all this excitement running in your veins, besides keeping it well fed on a celebratory diet of brownies and cookies and cakes? I'm too excited for work. Too excited to just sit here. I cant just sit here and do work like nothing special is going on! I'm planning an ivf!!!

Congratulations! You May Now Join the Select Ranks Of IVFers!

2006-02-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

As odd as this may sound, i am excited to be joining the ranks of the ivf-ers. I always thought that i would try it at least once, if all else failed. Not only has all else failed, but there was a spell of time where dh and i were permanently infertile. Not only were we told that we didnt produce the goods to make conception possible, but that even if we did, we'd pass on severe genetic defects. Oh glory.

But glory is God, as we've since discovered that doctors can be wrong (still find that hard to believe) and we've since been welcomed back into ivf kingdom (did we really want to go there?)

But now we're here. After 15 years of ttc and trying everything but the miracles of modern science, it's time has come.

Our first appointment is March 15 with the RE. I dont know a thing about the process, except what i've read on other blogs. I dont know what to expect, and i dont know how long after March 15 it will take for things to get rolling. And best of all, i dont even know if this is covered under our insurance! Depending on the time of day or who i speak to, i get a different answer from my insurance company.

Soooo, needless to say, i is scared! I dont likey needles and i aint got no money.

But be that as it may, i'm interested in trying this. For the first time in my life, i'm actually looking forward to it. I always thought that when i got to this point, all real hope would be over for us and that i would be trying this as the last ditch effort. And that if it failed, life would be over.

Um, well, all real hope was over us, life was over, and this actually is a last ditch effort. The only difference is, i dont fear it. I think before i used to think that if i did ivf and it failed i would not know how to go on. I would not know how to recover. I think i have a better idea now about how to handle my disappointment (yeah, right) ... Well, at least i dont fear it (ha ha).

Ok, the truth is, i'll probably face some disappointment and lotsa fears, but at least now i see it as an adventure into my womb instead of a scary journey into the deep scary.

Welcome to the journey of the fertile soul. I look forward to hearing from others further along this journey with tips on where all the pot holes are. I'd prefer a map, please ;)