tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-222550252024-03-07T17:00:36.576-08:00The Fertile SoulJourney Beyond IVF KingdomFertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-36699309019047652812007-07-29T12:48:00.001-07:002007-07-29T12:59:55.755-07:00Still HereYes, i am still around. And, there's nothing new to report, but i think that's great news. That means, since April or even before, i have been living childfree and happy. I have not had a single slide back into infertile woes. I'm still kind of shocked by it. I see people with babies, and i dont have "what about me" thoughts or feelings. Not a one. And this from the girl who not so long ago had those thoughts every single second of her life.<br /><br />It's taken a long long time to get to this place, a place i never thought imaginable. I never thought i would be able to give up the wish of having a baby of my own or getting pregnant. But, somewhere along the line in the past fews months, somehow, i did. I wish i could tell you the formula, or exactly, precisely how this came to pass, but i cannot say precisely exactly how. It has a lot to do with making peace with the past, overcoming post traumatic stress, and learning to live in the now--all of which have no formulas.<br /><br />I still mourn my traumatic childhood, but the more i do, the better i feel about now, regardless of whether my <em>now </em>does or does not have children. It's irrelevant. Let me rephrase that--it's not an essential component to my ultimate happiness.<br /><br />Thank God.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-62523437962628080962007-06-21T07:20:00.000-07:002007-06-21T11:27:31.014-07:00Questions About Period, Help!This may sound obvious to some, but i am quite at a loss, and doctor google can turn a girl into quite the hypochondriac. But, here's my problem. For the past few periods, my period has been (sorry to gross y'all out) clotted. You know what i mean? When you're about to flush the toilet you're suddenly taken aback by masses and clots floating around?... again, sorry about the gross out. But, then this month, same situation, except my period seems to have been cut in half down to 4-5 days instead of the usual 8-10. I'm on my fifth day and it's down to one measly very dark discharge.<br /><br />The only other thing going on is a yeast infection, which i've been treating with acidophilus. I'm not on bcp.<br /><br />Any ideas anyone as to what's going? I was just at the doctor's office before my period (for the yeast infection) and i feel silly going back, <em>yet again</em>.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-3359230321202908322007-06-11T07:49:00.001-07:002007-06-11T09:54:37.668-07:00UpdateJust a quick update to let y'all know that dh is doing well and is cancer free, thank God. I, however, am not doing so well, hence the delayed posting. I have a brand spanking new case of post traumatic stress, complete with the regular irregular heartbeat, which the doctor said was "nothing." I hope it's still nothing when my heart stops!<br /><br />You see, right before the surgery i suddenly realized that my husband COULD DIE and that i would then be seriously ALL ALONE for the rest of the MY LIFE, which, who knows, could be another FIFTY FREAKIN YEARS! God!<br /><br />So, of course, in my frenzied freak out, i asked my husband, <em>honey, um, like, what would I do if anything happened to you??!?! </em>Memememememememe. Yeah, so basically, I was like, if you died on the operating table, I will be one lonely woman living out the remainder of her life by her lonesome! Ok, but I didn’t exactly put it that way. Instead, i asked, <em>will you haunt when you're gone?</em> He said, <em>I can only haunt the basement because there are rules to haunting, you know</em>. Needless to say, i started making plans to move to the basement.<em> </em><br /><br />Uh, yeah, not one of my finer moments. I dont know how he managed to survive my freakout. But so here we are. I will post more about the results a little later, once i come off PTSD.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-35248531374998742522007-05-28T22:27:00.000-07:002007-05-28T23:19:36.105-07:00Hello Darkness, My Old FriendSo, i am up very late on the eve of my husband's surgery and i am a <u><em>little</em></u> anxious. Coping with said anxiety has involved the ingestion of mountains of glutenous food and chocolate along with watching hours and hours of movies while only breaking to speed read two romance novels a day. Yesterday i was trying to figure out a way to watch a movie and read a novel at the same time. I want to escape into movieland and i want my senses to be completely absorbed. I dont want to be me at this moment. I dont want to think about my life, or what my life might be like if anything happened to my husband. What would become of me? memememe. Suddenly, i am very concerned about facing the rest of my life without him.<br /><br />And what a long lonely life that would be. I am happily estranged from my father and not very close to my mother. These tenuous ties have also strained the links between me and my siblings (thanks mom and dad!).<br /><br />Nonetheless, i am surprised about the amount of anxiety i have over this surgery tomorrow. This is the surgery on the 4 cm lump found in my husband's thyroid, the cancerousness of which is to be determined once it's taken out. I did not have this much anxiety over the two surgeries he had last year over his nether regions. Maybe i was a little too drugged up for that or too excited with hope, the worst opiate of all.<br /><br />So, here i am, past midnight, reading novels and now writing. Surgery is tomorrow at some point past 10am. He is to be discharged the day after, God willing.<br /><br />I think, though, that my anxiety speaks to deep, unrevealed desires. I truly desire a different sort of life. I know this and have known this. I didnt realize how desperately it claws at me just beneath the surface.<br /><br />And, this other sort of life has nothing to do with children. It's unbelieveable and shocking, but true. In fact, we have been remarkably well living childfree these past two months. I haven't blogged much of it lately because i frankly couldnt believe myself. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. The deluge to begin. The cycle to start over. But it hasnt. I am not only living child free, i am free of the hope of it. Can you imagine that? I simply don't care anymore....it's even simpler than that because that statement implies rancor, but i'm not angry. In fact, i am happy to be childfree. I have discovered that there are so many things i want to do and explore and learn (now that i've finally given myself the complete permission to do so), that i wouldnt really have time for a child's needs right now. So if anything, i am relieved to be free of any parental duties.<br /><br />This relief didnt just suddenly occur, but is more a result of finally overcoming a traumatic childhood. I have been suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome since i was a child, and before that, i was deeply depressed (FUN childhood). In therapy, i learned the skills i needed to cope with post traumatic stress but believed that i might forever be "coping" with it, given that much of it occurred before memory set in.<br /><br />Recently, i have come to completely understand the source of my childhood traumas and, instead of feeling angry, i feel relieved. I always knew something was up and that my emotions related to something, and i finally learned that i was right. I was right in my sadness, right in my heartbreak, right in my depression, and right in my anger--though i was never quite sure what i was right about. I had thought it had much to do with being childless. In fact, it has nothing to do with that. And that knowledge has set me free--free of the fantasy that my own children would fix my broken childhood. But all the pieces are finally in place now and i am finally unbroken. It is possible become whole again, after all.<br /><br />It is interesting to me that throughout all these years of wanting, desperately wanting and hoping for a baby, i never could really bring myself to pray for it with any ferverence (except in this last bizarre year of IVF, where prayer was the only antidote to my hormonal insanities). I believe that on some deep level, i always understood that an actual baby was not what i truly wanted.<br /><br />What i wanted was my own babyhood back, and righted. What i wanted was to feel whole--to feel contentment in the moment, to know happiness. I finally have the peace that i have been waiting for all my life.<br /><br />Now, i worry that it will be shattered tomorrow. And i suppose that worry is natural under the circumstances. It's probably the lingering effects of post traumatic stress talking.<br /><br />Old habits, baby. If you dont kill them, you will die a slow death of million little anxieties!Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-84011894925401733522007-05-02T20:30:00.000-07:002007-05-03T06:40:21.996-07:00The SecretNo, i aint holdin out on y'all. But, apparently, there is a "secret." Did y'all hear about <a href="http://amazon.com/o/ASIN/1582701709/ref=s9_asin_title_2-2288_p/102-9390622-0398522?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0X3GNN1SS8C8C4BAW3A4&pf_rd_t=101&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;pf_rd_p=278240301&pf_rd_i=507846">this</a>? According to this book, the secret to life is that "like attracts like." That is, whatever you want you can have, if you just think positively. If you think you can, you will. Whatever is in your life, is there because you willed it...<br /><br /><em>Ahem</em>, aside from the fact that the book is written for a first grader, complete with large print and colored thick paper, i believe that i have completely debunked the theory that you can will into your life whatever you want so long as you "think" about it long enough. I thought about having children for more than 25 years, especially the last 15. Towards the end, i was thinking about it every single second of the every day. It was getting kind of <em>clinical</em>, and i didnt realize it until one day i suddenly couldnt breathe. I thought i was dying. After a rush to the emergency room and gazillion tests, it was nothing but a panic attack. The ER doctor pulled up a chair next to me and quietly asked "is there something bothering you?" No, nothing. I was fine. I wasnt stressed or unhappy. I had a good job. The only thing, if anything, is that i thought about having a baby ... Every. Single. Second.<br /><br />So, i had to give that up. It was either that or stop breathing at random. And since having a baby was impossible anyway without basic inhalation and exhalation, i had to choose breathing. Selfish me.<br /><br />The moral is, the Secret sucks (the book, that is). Yeah, it works (for others, i assume), but not always. It's not simply a matter of will it and so be it. That's oversimplifying the issue just a smidge, don't you think?<br /><br />My husband returned the book to the bookstore. If you know us, you know that we would rather throw something away before we went through the hassle of returning <em>anything</em>. And, we <strike>are pack rats</strike> never throw anything <em>away</em>. When asked about the reason for the return, dh said, "It didn't work."Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-32103847908299943212007-04-20T19:49:00.000-07:002007-04-20T20:06:17.023-07:00Fertile InfertilesIs the world of infertiles shrinking? I just clicked on a majority of my links here and discovered that a majority of the links are to blogs of suddenly fertile infertiles.<br /><br />I need to do a little housekeeping, i suppose.<br /><br />In the meantime, we learned that dh has a growth in his thyroid that needs to get taken out. They won't know for sure if its cancer until they pull it out, sometime in the next month. The biopsy was inconclusive.<br /><br />Further, the wonderfully perfect job that dh got as editor of top tiered University Journal of a major Science publication just got pulled from under him because the Journal of a major Science publication decided to part company with the top tiered University and its editors. So, in addition to maybe having cancer, he's also out of a job. Let's just kick a man while he's down, why dont we.<br /><br />I say that sardonically, of course. Seriously, i dont actually feel sardonic or bitter. In fact, i thank God for all things.<br /><br />I feel that we've been blessed to have discovered this growth. It's asymptomatic. The only reason we did discover it was because dh needed a chest x-ray before he did the surgeries before the ivf. Those x-rays showed a growth in the thyroid. Otherwise, he would never have known that he had a 4 cm growth.<br /><br />It's funny because one of the reasons i didnt want to do ivf was precisely because if anything happened to dh during the surgery, i wasnt sure i could live with myself. Now, i never imagined that it could, quite possibly, have saved his life.<br /><br />So, yes, i thank God for all things.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-83934470033761678692007-04-09T04:43:00.000-07:002007-04-09T05:03:36.677-07:00Two Weeks OnSo, i'm on the upswing of feelings lately. I guess a body gets bored of the bleak and dreary. Or, as i said, it's my cycle, two weeks up and two weeks down.<br /><br />In the meantime, i signed up for piano lessons. I want to get into some creative outlets that don't involve so much let down, like writing. I got a rejection letter the other day from one of the major agencies in hollywood that said something to the effect of "Here's your query letter back. We didnt read it and dont have any intention of reading it and should we produce a movie with similar themes, please know that that wasnt because we read it or got the idea from you." Fatheads.<br /><br />It just makes you want to quit that craft altogether.<br /><br />Anyway, i'm not here to get down about the craft. I'm here really to talk about my recent adventures with other people's babies. My friend had her baby and i visited them in the hospital. And, i didnt have a single solitary jealous second. I did not go off into the "aww, isnt she cute and wont your life be perfect now" fantasy. Instead, i connected with the reality of her situation. She just gave birth to her second child. She's probably exhausted beyond belief. But, that's irrelevant because there's this baby she just got that's completely dependent upon her for the next twenty years. Good bye sleep. Good bye rest. Good bye old life. Hello stress.<br /><br />And it's her second child. So she has to go home and negotiate things with the first one, who is an irrational mini-adult at 3 years old, speaking like a ten year old but feeling like a toddler who still very much wants mommy's attention and always resented that her mother worked and that she was sent off to babysitting and now preschool. Yeah, and now there's a second child to be equally "neglected." Psht, what's the point? That's not fun.<br /><br />And then yesterday, i went out to eat with my sister and brother and a combined total of 4 kids under 6, two of which were 4 months old. And most of the time i felt, <em>someone, please stop the crying babies</em>! And, <em>would someone stop those kids from running around and playing the restaurant piano? They could accidentally trip a waiter or something</em>. I did not, for a single second, think, man, i wish one of these were mine. No. Not at all. I feel apathetic. There's nothing appealing about squealing babies who demand your constant attention.<br /><br />So, that's where i am. Getting settled in this childless life. For now, it's what i want. I'm finally beginning to see that it's the life God gave me, and it's the life i want, gratefully.<br /><br />I may still want children in some recesses of my heart. But at least, i'm getting back to feeling that there are other things i can want as well. And life is good whether you have chocolate cake or fresh strawberry pie--it's not all about the chocolate!Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-7048322356607220752007-03-25T19:17:00.000-07:002007-03-25T19:45:41.966-07:00The Ordinary LifeSo i finally changed my profile. It's a lot shorter. Thank you <a href="http://lutcass.blogspot.com/">Lut C</a> and <a href="http://babyproofuterus.blogspot.com/">Kris</a> for the strike-through recommendation. Blogger had different ideas about my plans and refused to cooperate. Oh well, what's new.<br /><br />I've been reading about personality types and it's been enlightening. First, i bet y'all didn't know that i was the romantic type. What? The romance-writer-wannabe didnt give it all away? Who knew the romantic types could have such <strike>bitchy</strike> (haha! take that blogger) sardonic edges.<br /><br />According to enneagrams, I am prone to melancholy. Ooooooooh, well, that explains it.<br /><br />Actually, if you delve deeply into your type, it aint a pretty sight. For romantic types gone amuck with their personalities and lives and relationships, according to enneagrams, they must accept the "ordinary life" to return back to center. That means, the melancholiness of my soul would disappear if i could simply accept my plain, ordinary life. Simple.<br /><br />Well, for all those non-romantic types out there, accepting the so-called "ordinary life" is precisely, exactly, perfectly equivalent to accepting a life without biological children. Would you believe that it was one of the first thoughts that occurred to me ...<em>you, mean, that's it? This is my life? It's not the stuff of my fantasies? It's just this ordinary blahdom? After all my work and fantasies and praying?</em><br /><br />Striving for the "ordinary life" (where i've always sought and pursued and wanted the extraordinary life) as a path to peace is kind of a sobering thoughts. Sometimes, i can hold onto it long enough to feel a peace and then, just as quickly, it slips away and suddenly i'm facing a bleak, boring life. Life really sucks. That's the reality for the romantic types. The life in their dreams is so much better and reality never ever matches it.<br /><br />Ok, i dont mean to paint such a bleak picture. In reality, if the romantic-type, aka me, could simply be present and live in the present and not in a fantasy filled world where i get to go frolicking through the rides at disney with my kids, if i could just set that aside and realize and appreciate that i have a full life without that fantasy running through my head, i could be happy, even happier than i am in the fantasy-filled version.<br /><br />But, it's just been a hard sell. The fantasy filled version seems nicer and funner. It's what i know. I dont want to change. I like being stuck in my ways, absent from the moment, in love with an illusion, taking deep swims in melancholy. What's wrong with that? That's a GREAT life! heh.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-4102922154936700752007-03-12T07:01:00.000-07:002007-03-12T07:04:10.571-07:00DanielsonThere's nothing new. I realize that i spend 2 weeks of the month wishing and hoping and wanting and crying and then 2 weeks not. Two weeks on, and two weeks off. Wax on, wax off.<br /><br />I wonder if i'll get to win an emotional karate competition at the end of all this.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-12496649813432171192007-02-19T20:21:00.000-08:002007-02-19T20:34:34.724-08:00What Nots & StuffSo, i guess we have no music fans in the infertile world (or Heather or Nora fans, for that matter). But, no problem. I was just wondering, is it just me or did y'all cry over the last episode of Grey's Anatomy...you know, the scene where a husband was looking for his missing pregnant wife and the hospital had two, one in the operating room and one in the morgue.... KLEENEX!<br /><br />Or, the episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition...the mother of 5 autistic children (and a sixth one without). FIVE AUTISTIC CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they were all hers. God help those with autism and those who parent those with autism and all parents of children with special needs. I am just so happy that familiy got a brand new remodeled house. The bank was about to foreclose on them and everyone came together to pay off their mortgage (<em>sniff, sniff</em>). God bless that show for helping families!<br /><br />But it just goes back to my new theory...parenting is so FRICKEN hard. I mean, yeah, i always knew that, but now i am finding comfort in remembering just how hard it is. It aint a walk in the park. And if you're lucky, maybe, just maybe, your kids will thank you in 20 years, but dont hold your breath. So, who's up for that particular form of torture? Who's next in line?<br /><br />Being a parent is suddenly so scary.<br /><br />Thank God i aint one. Wahoo, yay for me. Okay, i know y'all aint buying that, but indulge me please.<br /><br />In other what nots, who can tell me how to "strike through" text in blogger? I mean, have you read my bio? Who is that perky b***ch? Someone, shut her up, please. Please!<br /><br />Thanks.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1271660518863030572007-02-13T07:36:00.000-08:002007-02-14T10:29:09.536-08:00Open LettersDear Grammys<br /><br />Can i have one??? Please, please, <em>pleeeeeze</em>? I dont really sing, but i'm really really cute and i can do a very sexy video if i put my mind to it (but would never sink so low, unless its for dh's eyes only, and then maybe i could be convinced). But seriously though, if the Pussy Cat Dolls can be nominated for best silly song sung by six skinny skanks, then i say, why can't i be nominated for best nonvocal crying blog? I mean, who's going to get nominated next, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfZ_gXCHaMw">Hillary Clinton</a>? Oh wait, she already won one. So yeah, gimme mine!<br /><br /><div align="center">***</div>Dear Heather (<em>as in locklear</em>)<br /><br />Aren't you, like, 50? Why must you botox yourself into looking like a 6 year old? Huh? I was so distracted by your puffy cheeks and lips you couldnt close (or probably feel) that i could hardly watch you in the great Nora Roberts debut movie on Lifetime. You're very pretty without it, girl.<br /><br />And, was that a body double for the "sex" scenes?<br /><br /><div align="center">***</div>Dear Nora,<br /><br />Your movie tanked, mainly because there was no chemistry between the two main characters and/or actors. The main character was a nut, and not cute nutty, but just plain old just-been-discharged-from-the-psycho-ward-and-need-to-retire-to-the-mountains-where-i-start-seeing-things nutty...<em>Boooooooooring</em>. And why was normal, balanced, mystery -writer-hero attracted to nutty puffy Heather? I think, i think it might have something to do with him wanting to solve the mystery...who is the woman beneath all this cow blubber? A real man wants to know.<br /><br />Yeah right!Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-39373934868954738722007-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:002007-02-02T21:57:19.256-08:00On Feeling BetterWell, as i mentioned, i have been feeling better, not so weepy or sad--except on random occassion. The only thing that's really changed since the monstrous daily weeps and now is...<em>drum roll please</em>...i've been working on my <em>writing</em>. Anti-climatic, huh? It's very very strange and novel how my own creative pursuits, especially writing, can make me feel better, can calm me down in a sense and give me peace. It's so basic and yet so shocking to me. I guess that's because i've never seen writing as an easy task. And to find comfort or peace in it seems like an oxymoron, unless you're writing in your blog or journal. But creative writing? Where you have to beat down your own internal critic at every turn so that your creative side might get a word in edge-wise for a second out of the day...well, what's fun or peace-inducing about that?<br /><br />It's a strange world we live in. These are strange times. Case in point--i just received a rejection for a query i sent out 9 MONTHS AGO. It was a rejection from the publisher who also sent me a book with the rejection. Very strange. And the book is a historical romance by Katherine O'Neal (someone i've never heard of before) called The Art of Seduction. I was upset by the rejection...even cried over it. Well, it's all very sad. Why must EVERYTHING i attempt fail miserably??? I know, i know, it's not <em>everything</em>. I just like making grand sweeping generalizations. But anyways, i was feeling bad up until i actually decided to look at this book. The writing isnt compelling, nor does it resonate with the period. It reads like a contemporary novel. I think it's supposed to be a new line of sexier/erotic romance, but i didnt find it so. Actually, i thought, why am i feeling bad when they publish crap like this?<br /><br />We live in a time where it doesnt take real talent to succeed. Look at Jessica Simpson ... what's her talent? Two boobs? Great. Even monkeys have those. So glad we applaud what's laudable. Or Paris Hilton...what's her reason for fame? Daddy's pocket book? The fact that she can have sex in front of a camera? Again, even monkeys do that. Is that what talent is in this day and age?<br /><br />Ok, i dont know why i'm ranting about the talentless. I just hate rejections. I just have to remember that someone really stupid blew their chances with me.<br /><br />Oh boy, i'm beginning to sound like one of the losers on American Idol. This can't be good.<br /><br />Why, again, do i like writing? It's mental ivf, if you think about it. For months you pump yourself up with drugs (or a story you think is fantastic) and then in the end it fails to achieve the positive results you were hoping. Writing keeps me connected to this constant, illusive carrot.<br /><br />I wonder what it will be like when i finally taste it ... because i've already decided that it's mathematically impossible to fail at ivf AND publishing. I think there's a theorem some where...if one fails miserably for all time at ivf, then one will eventually succeed in something else.<br /><br />Oh blah dee.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-25430471238957248252007-01-31T18:17:00.000-08:002007-01-31T18:20:23.356-08:00Go Bears!No one appreciates high art like a Chicagoan.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5026384689925700834" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivXmKIWnjc1CopzlcXvqhgw4p98Nmdu4I8DB8Jpea1yQEKHYktFl2Tqs3RYxPp6D5ASmS1SLgOWsrk2b9farYhTkjcvimL9jE86zwCqhThwtk6PHOw_v1R-t7eaH3uVnyxvmxi/s320/Picasso+with+Bears.jpg" border="0" />Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1170024222789872092007-01-28T14:26:00.000-08:002007-01-28T16:59:26.716-08:00Babies Are StressfulMy sister came over yesterday with her husband and baby...and, strangely, i felt nothing drudge up from my own infertile woes. I did not wish i was in her shoes; i did not wish to have a baby; i did not lament for a single second that we are forever childless. Isn't that odd? Especially when i've been telling y'all how sad i've been about this <em>little </em>infertile factoid of ours?<br /><br />Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my sister has not had an easy time of it. I've never seen a baby cry 24 hours straight with 10 minute breaks only for sleep. He's better now but still uncomfortable with the prospect of suckling and pooping.<br /><br />But he's much much better. So much so, we were even able to go out for dinner with nary a peep from him. But just watching her with him, i felt so stressed out. And i have another friend who's pregnant and i feel so stressed out for her. I dont know how she's going to manage, working full time and juggling a toddler and a newborn. She plans on quitting her job but i cant imagine how she can afford to do so. Stress, stress, stress.<br /><br />So, here i am feeling stressed out for all these new moms. I do not envy them at the moment. I do not even want that. I want to get some peace and quiet back into my life, settle back into a routine, sell a novel or something and launch a new career as a writer because frankly i don't know how i would be able to have a baby and work full time. And it's not that i have grand ideas about being a supermom who works full time and has a family (i'm really the opposite), but i can't afford not to work at the moment, unless of course we can sell our novel and then maybe i can work from home as a writer.<br /><br />So, i guess the moral of the story is that i would like to be able to afford to have a baby in the first place. Yes, having them is nice and all, but not when the bills keep you up at night. I mean, i guess it's still nice on some level even then, but not <em>as</em> nice.<br /><br />Well then, i guess it's a good thing that i cant afford a baby because we aint having any anytime soon anyway. So there!Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1169765539841917392007-01-25T18:44:00.000-08:002007-01-26T08:12:21.610-08:00Sometimes, It's Just Better Not to ProcreateAmerican Idol has value far beyond its apparent goal to find America's next superstar. It really makes you re-examine whether you really want to have children after all. I mean, sometimes i wonder, who are these people's parents? Couldnt their parents have told them that they cant sing? That they shouldnt embarrass themselves on public television to discover what's patently obvious? No, of course not, because those parents are standing right next to them, encouraging them on.<br /><br />These have been my thoughts all day. On yesterday's episode, there was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOiropHQlss">one girl </a>who was tone deaf and could not sing a single note in key. The judges asked her about this and she said she knew she couldnt sing, but she wanted to be the first American Idol that took a tone deaf person and made her a singing superstar. This is a new level of ridiculous even for AI. She knows she cant sing but she wants to win a singing competition. And then she has the gall to be outraged when they say no.<br /><br />Where are her parents?<br /><br />Sometimes, it's just better not to procreate than unleash more stupidity onto the world. I worry about that sometimes because i'm not immune to stupidity myself...shocking, but true. Of course, i hope that if i were ever blessed with a child that i would do everything right and he/she would turn out to be a wonderfully well-adjusted happy human being. But we all know the odds of that happening in this modern day and age of instant gratification and overstimulation are probably as good as winning the American Idol competition, even if i were to overcome the already incredible odds of having a child despite our permanent infertility (insert MIRACLE here). There is that part of me that wonders what would happen if i became a parent and screwed it all up? Would my sole contribution to humanity be an addition to American Idol's slush piles?<br /><br />Deep thoughts that keep me up at nights. Tonight, i am happy to be childless and free from this worry. I dont have to worry about anyone's peace of mind but my own. It's not by choice, but it is its own blessing. If i have not yet achieved peace of mind, how can i possibly presume to pass it on to anyone else?<br /><br />Human beings can be so arrogant at times, so enamored with our own self-worth and blind to our faults. Thank God, we are loved nonetheless.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1169482545365420332007-01-22T05:12:00.000-08:002007-01-22T08:17:38.770-08:00Reprieve<div align="left">So, it appears that suddenly this massive gaping wound is scabbing over. I no longer feel like crying every single moment of the day. In fact, I can go a whole entire day without crying about it. And sometimes, I can even begin to see and feel the road I was once on before this past year’s trip through the rabbit hole of ivf.<br /><br />But how does a large open bleeding wound suddenly begin to close? And why?<br /><br />Well, my friends, I’m not ashamed to admit that it may have a little to do with my drug of choice…<em>escapism</em>. For the past week, I have returned to an old guilty pleasure—romance novels, where happily-ever-after endings are guaranteed or your money back. So far, I’m downing one a day. And when I’m not doing that, I am drowning my mind in music. My current favorite selection (to be linked when I can figure it out):</div><div align="left"></div><div align="center"><em>LET IT BE<br /><br />When I find myself in times of trouble, </em></div><div align="center"><em>mother Mary comes to me,<br />speaking words of wisdom, let it be.<br />And in my hour of darkness </em></div><div align="center"><em>she is standing right in front of me,<br />speaking words of wisdom, let it be.<br /><br />Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.<br />Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.<br /><br />And when the broken hearted people </em></div><div align="center"><em>living in the world agree,<br />there will be an answer, let it be.<br />For though they may be parted </em></div><div align="center"><em>there is still a chance that they will see,<br />there will be an answer. let it be.<br /><br />Let it be, let it be, .....<br /><br />And when the night is cloudy, </em></div><div align="center"><em>there is still a light, that shines on me,<br />shine until tomorrow, let it be.<br />I wake up to the sound of music, </em></div><div align="center"><em>mother Mary comes to me,<br />speaking words of wisdom, let it be.<br /><br />Let it be, let it be, .....</em></div>Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1169229065218869702007-01-19T09:43:00.000-08:002007-01-19T09:53:22.810-08:00It's a MIRACLE!!!!Well, well, well, apparently miracles DO happen. Just not to me. Oh, did you think I was referring to me? <em>Silly Rabbits</em>.<br /><br />But, what’s a nice staunchly IF girl to think? Here she is riding the internet and clickin along when she comes across a blog wherein the exact miracle she was waiting for happened to someone else. Of all things! Didn’t I just say that I believe in miracles! <a href="http://thefertilesoul.blogspot.com/2007/01/wherefore-art-thou.html">Didnt I</a>?<br /><br />But, but, <em>but</em>, I have this other weird belief about miracles. They're like lightening. Don’t ask, I had a weird fantasy filled childhood (<em>dreaming about my future children…</em>nuff said). But, isn’t it true though, miracles occur as often as lightning strikes? I mean, first I gotta believe in miracles and now I gotta believe that the same miracle that literally just happened to someone else is going to happen to me? Really? And just how often do you hear about IF miracles on the net? As often as lightning strikes, I’d say.<br /><br />It’s just so very ironic that the moment I said I wanted a miracle, I saw someone else get it, oh me of little of faith.<br /><em><br />"Do you believe now, Neo?"</em>Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1168964984843085802007-01-16T08:10:00.000-08:002007-01-16T08:33:12.643-08:00Woo-Fricken-hoo, It's 2007!I spoke with a friend this weekend, talked about the fact that i cant get over the hope we had last year. I cant give it up. I still want to believe there's hope. And i cant stop crying about it. She reminded me that it's like the death of a child or a loved one, that she had a friend who's mother died at a young age and she cried every day for a year. Cried.Everyday.For.A.Year. I guess that's what 2007 has in store for me. Good times.<br /><br />What's worse is the feeling that i will cry about this foreover. FOREVER. It only seems right, since i've wanted kids forever. But my friend re-assured me that it wont be forever, just a year--a good long year. She says that i need to give myself sometime and not be surprised at how long this is taking.<br /><br />And yet, it's so difficult to grieve this. No one understands and no one appreciates what a trauma this has been for me. People are just blah.<br /><br />But i did finally get a sense that, maybe, just maybe, it is, in fact, true that we will never have kids. I did finally feel a dent in all the hope that was built over this last year. It's a sobering thought. And sometimes i can hold on to it long enough to get some perspective on this. And sometimes i just want to go back to glorious hope. I have always been a hopeful person. It goes against my grain to give it up.<br /><br />In the meantime (i mean when we are not crying), we are crabby. Yes, yes, it's true. I know this is so <em>rare</em> for me, but we are experiencing the terrible (thirty)-Two's, as Kris puts <a href="http://babyproofuterus.blogspot.com/2007/01/terrible-thirty-twos.html">it</a>. And, i just want to rant about how the world and the people in it suck. What's wrong with that? Huh?<br /><br />For instance, i emailed a homeopathic doctor that i found out about six days ago about maybe, perhaps, there's a homeopathic solution to our infertile woes, <em>right</em>? Why does it take her six days to say she "has more experience with female problems" and that my husband should find a homeopathic doctor closer to home. Well thank-fricken-you! Gee, i waited six days to hear nonsense. I HATE when that happens. And i have said nothing about the <em>other</em> homeopathic doctor I emailed twice <em>two months ago</em> with no response. I hate irresponsible people. They're just <em>stupid</em>.<br /><br />Also, i am so frustrated by the fact that i returned from vacation to get dumped on at work. Namely, i (and the rest of my team) have to pick up the load for the slackers. Why? Am i also going to get to pick up some of their pay (which is far greater than mine, considering that they have that y-factor goin on)? Well, no, sillies. What country are you in? A country of gender equality and fairness? Ha! Hahahahahahahahahah!<br /><br />Ok, that covers the moment's frustrations. I am also on very <em>little</em> restful sleep and battling the onslaught of bronchitis. Whoop-dee-doo!Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1168709708699599572007-01-13T09:30:00.000-08:002007-01-13T09:50:51.610-08:00Open LetterDear Giada,<br /><br />How on earth do you expect anyone to take anything you say seriously when all anyone sees when you speak are your <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-BVylRjlEg">boobs</a>? What are you selling, your recipes or your cleavage? I turn on the food network channel and i dont know if i'm watching a cooking show or a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUyQnDCR0Tg">sex show</a> with a little cooking on the side. Are you perhaps overcompensating? Maybe you want to distract the audience so they dont question the actual content of your show?<br /><br />Get a sweater, girl, and save your boobs for your man, unless you really like all those wackos on you-tube comments salivating all over you. Disgusting.<br /><br />FSFertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1168355736666815532007-01-09T06:55:00.000-08:002007-01-09T07:15:36.956-08:00Wherefore Art Thou...Didnt you always think that "wherefore art thou Romeo" meant "where are you Romeo?" It should, imho.<br /><br />I have been on a sweet three week vay-kay-shee-yon...to a place where the sun dont stop shinin. <em>And we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun</em>. Yeah, baby. John Lennon had it goin on.<br /><br />Sorry about the sudden departure and utter absence of my posts. It was crazy getting out of here in those last two weeks. I had to work weekends to get all my files in order to leave and hope that no catastrophe took place in my absence. That's always fun--coming home to a greater mess than you left.<br /><br />But, thank God, that was not the case...as of yet. I'm still slogging through the 200 emails that have accumulated.<br /><br />In other news, we are pathetically awaiting a miracle. No seriously, that's not a euphism for something new in the ttc department. I'm really praying really hard for God to give us miracle. What's wrong with that? It could happen!<br /><br />And yes, three weeks of sun does not really put a dent in the daily crying, in case you all were wondering. In fact, i had many nights of uncontrollable and unforseeable crying. It's like everything and anything can make me cry.<br /><br />But, i'm okay with that. I see it as part of the grieving process. In this phase, we are expending a great amount of liquid sorrow. So be it. It's far better than holding it in...not that i was. It's very strange, but it's really like a delayed reaction. At first, i had no tears, or very little. My life didnt really feel much different. It was back to being childless as usual. But now, i feel so broken hearted, so unbelievably broken hearted, i just cry--a lot.<br /><br />And you know what, that's ok. I'm done with trying to figure it all out. I just know that if that's what's going on with me, then fine. It's okay to be me.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1165817646097446132006-12-10T21:54:00.000-08:002006-12-10T22:40:18.363-08:00Move Along, Nothing To See Here, Except aTrain Wreck--If You're Into ThatI know it's been so long. And i've missed y'all. I've been really out of it. Crying all the freakin time for no freakin reason too. It's been an awesome time. I just wake up and cry and go to bed and cry. Everyone should try that. It's not so bad once you get used it, really. But, that's what happens when you cant ever have kids. That's the low down. For the rest of your life your will cry about it. So happy fricken life.<br /><br />In other news, my sis had a baby boy, God bless him and her. I dont want to get into too much because it doesnt really bother me too much (ha!). It's been a very rough few weeks, for me and her. First off, she didnt want me in the delivery room. i dont know, it would've been nice. But she didnt want that. She didnt want anyone but her husband. That's her choice. She didnt have a clue about delivery. She didnt have a clue about birth. She was busy studying for a phd when the labor pains struck.<br /><br />But, i'm glad she delivered safely and well. The baby had a hell of a first week, with dangerous jaundice causing him to be readmitted to the hospital and a horrendous time latching onto the nipple, and still struggling. And then a nice case of colic to boot. This has not been a fun week for my sis, nor do i envy it.<br /><br />But, i am, in general, just totally out of it. I still want to have a baby. WANT IT. I want it as an adult. It's no longer the childhood dream. It's a part of my adult life. It's just something i want, ok! Hence the daily crying.<br /><br />In other news, it's been crazy busy at work. Some lawyer we retained totally dropped the ball causing hundreds of thousands of dollars in loss. It's been a very stressful time because, basically, i have to assert that he committed malpractice and, of course, his firm staunchly disagrees. Let the mud slinging begin! I love a little mud with coffee in the morning.<br /><br />What else...well, i am feeling sad about no longer being a part of the IF community, though i am one half of one of the most infertile couples on the planet. That should make me queen or president or something. And yet, so much of the IF community is ivf. i dunno. Permanent infertility doesnt have mass appeal like plain old vanilla infertility, with it's dollop of hope. Hope is the thing. Everyone has hope for everyone and you want to see the IFers succeed. But there's no such journey here. No such hope. So move along. I know from first hand experience that life without hope is uninteresting.<br /><br />Except, well, we are going back to the drawing board. I fundamentally believe that there is a cure for male factor infertility. I dont know if i'll see it my life time (ha ha!) but i believe that there's an herbal remedy somewhere somehow. Is that silly? I mean, am i being hopelessly hopeful?<br /><br />But i am. That's just me. I think that we should always try some herbal remedy or something until the very end. Only now, i am realistic about the chances. I know what our chances are. It's why i cry every day.<br /><br />So, where does that leave us? Meandering, like this post. But, i must leave y'all with one final meandering comment before I submerge again. The Break Up totally SUCKED! God, where does one begin to parse out the abysmal failure of that movie. It's like a mobius strip of stupidity. First off, Vince and Jen have no chemistry whatsoever. I never bought their real life relationship. It was all a publicity stunt to for the movie (like Bennifer was for Gigli). And thank God Vinciffer finally fessed up to their own break up. I wish they would be honest and say there was never anything between them to begin with.<br /><br />But i digress. The characters in the movie have absolutely nothing in common (SHOCKER!), though the writers and actors try to act like they do. Frankly, i never understand why she went with him--his character was not endearing. Everything about this movie was awkwardness. Except, they tried not to be awkward. And the actual break up was all a misunderstanding, not what the girl intended, until the very end, when ...spoiler...he finally comes around and confesses undying love for her, and she decides, with tears in her eyes "but i dont feel the same way."<br /><br />Weird and awkward movie. The two main characters part amicably at the end. They meet up accidentally on the street 6 months later, and make more awkward small talk, and part ways again. People, they should never have been together to begin with, but since you brought them together and made the audience root for them to stay together, then why split 'em up? Huh? Why? STUPID. It's plot cheating, aka, lazy (crappy) writing.<br /><br />ok, gotta run, time for the nightly deluge.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1164219118911550382006-11-22T09:49:00.000-08:002006-11-22T13:57:18.686-08:00Time Out: Celebrity GossipSo the Fertile Soul gets a day off. What does she do? She catches up on all the celebrity news of course. Where does one begin with all this foddor between The View, Clay Aiken, Kelly Rippa, Michael Richards, and celebrity infertility story to boot? First off, i love Rosie O'Donnell. I just love her. So, naturally, ever since she joined the View, i began to record the View. I still dont actually get to watch it, but on occasion, i get a day off and i'm bored and i thumb through my recordings. On yesterday's episode, apparently, they were talking about Kelly Rippa's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1r6Wh4NasY">tiff</a> with her guest co-host Clay Aiken (American not-Idol). And then they showed the clip of what Clay did to tick Kelly off.<br /><br />Apparently, she was not letting him get a word in edge wise during their interview with the winners of Dancing with the Stars. Soooo, to get her to stop talking or firing questions, he thought it would be cute if he put his hand over her mouth to physically shut her up. Ha. Ha.<br /><br />But Kelly would have none of that and i really really respect that she instantly just stopped the questioning, gave him a look, shook her head (eyes bugging out), and said "Oh, that's a no-no." He said "oh, i'm in trouble now. I should just sit back here." But then he awkwardly tries to change the subject by asking questions of the winners from DWTS. But Kelly joked back, "saying, no, i just dont know where that hand has been."<br /><br />Which is so true! Seriously, people dont wash their hands enough. And if you're a celebrity, you're most likely shaking A LOT of strange hands. Donald Trump in general has a policy against hand shakes.<br /><br />So good for Kelly for not sitting back and accepting that treatment, even though it caused a scene on live tv. So what. She didnt like the treatment she was getting, and she stood up for it.<br /><br />But then, Rosie O'Donnell <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU9nrd10fR8">said</a> on her show that Kelly's comment (<em>i dont know where that hand has been)</em> was a homophobic comment. and that she would not have said that if he'd been Mario Lopez. The other women disagreed with Rosie, and, on this one, sorry Rosie, i do too. It's the flu seaon and people are just gross in their hygeine, straight or not. Disgusting hygeine habits do not discriminate and affects all people regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation.<br /><br />And then, while the View is on, Kelly <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIId-plvagA">calls</a> into the View and disagrees with Rosie saying that she should know better than tell the American people that her behavior was homophobic, when it was natural to not want another man place his hand on one's mouth, regardless of whom that man sleeps with at night. Rosie kept her position, that from her point of view, as a gay person, that it was homophobic.<br /><br />My pov is this, Rosie, you're a little sensitive to all things potentially homophobic. The fact that something may be schewed into a homophobic reaction does not necessarily make it so. You need to take a breath and be more objective. I think you take this one way too personally.<br /><br />Onto other topics. The co-host on the View was Sherri Shepherd (comedien/actress). She was funny. But she told this story about her baby. He's 19 months old now and they show his picture. And she's like, i love my baby. And i'm thinking, man, does everyone just have kids to talk about??? But then she goes on to say that she delivered him at 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. He weighed a pound and was born with bleeding on both sides of his brain, and that because of this he was going to have severe cerebal palsy, severe mental retardation, shunts in his brain, operations, holes in his intestines and "we were going to pull the plug and let him go." (At this point i'm balling.) And then she said that before pulling the plug she asked God "God, i'm going to give this baby to you, but i've been praying so long for a baby, if you could give me a miracle.... And when we went to go pull the plug to let him (the baby) go to heaven to be with his sister because i lost his sister too, the doctor came in to say that the black hole in his intestine was healed and that his intestines were pink and healthy. And when the doctor said that i knew that God was saying to me that he comes home (to heaven) when i say he comes home, not when you say."<br /><br />Kleenex! Someone pass the tissue! Good Lord, God is great.<br /><br />And then, finally, Breaking Bonaduce. I know, i know, what am i doing watching reality tv, right? I should spend my time more "wisely." Well, sometimes you get suckered in. Did you know that that Danny Bonaduce married his wife on the first date because she said that she cant have sex with him unless they were married? So they got married and the next morning, he wakes up to this woman by his side and is like "who is you?" and she's like "i'm Mrs. Bonaduce." And so the romance began.<br /><br />But, i just have to say this because no one is saying it on that show, his wife does not want to be with him. Ok, they are kind of saying that, but only because he has anger management issues, once cheated on her, and had some addictions to intoxicants of some sort. They're trying to deal with that and still stay married, and for the most part he's gone to rehab and they're all in therapy. But, the whole show is about his psychological issues and them dealing with his psychological issues. So you mean to say, that once he's cured "his" problems, she'll be okay with him? Because, she has no problem of her own?<br /><br />Her issues are blatant, and i'm just wondering, when is the therapist going to key into that? She is in complete mommy mode...you know what i mean? You know when you get into mommy mode, and chop your lovely locks into a boy cut, and start wearing ugly mommy pants that reach your armpits like Steve Urkel? Ok, she's not doing the mommy pants or boy cut, but everything else that exudes from this woman is asexual. And that's not Bonaduce's fault. That wont be healed or cured by his therapy. When all is said and done and he does become whole, she will still not be interested in him. That's the ultimate tragedy of this story, unless she turns around and realizes that she's lost herself to motherhood and needs to resurface as a complete woman.<br /><br />Those are my thoughts on my day off. Now it's off time to cook. yay!<br /><br />Oh wait, how can i possibly forget Michael Richards, huh? What a *!@&#*!#@. I just cant believe all the vile garbage he spewed on us like that. What the F#*$&! What's wrong with that guy? Get yourself into therapy, man, and out of the lime light. The media is focusing on how, oh, at least Richards takes responsbility for his actions and doesnt blame substance abuse. I'm sorry, but Michael Richards DELIBERATELY THOUGHT THOSE UGLY THINGS, deliberatley repeated the N-word <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbrKUTHzObs">OVER AND OVER AGAIN</a>. He was not under the influence of any drug. He knew exactly what he was saying and it was vile and he kept at it. Mel Gibson was drunk. There's a difference in intentionality here. The media is trying to paint Mel Gibson's racial slurs as worse because he says he was drunk (which was true, hence the dui and the cop who reported the comments) but i dont see how they are worse (especially since Mel Gibson apologized and accepted responsbility for it, saying that what he said was despicable, not that it was excusable because he was drunk). But it is, in fact, WORSE when you say that stuff with a straight face, meaning every last damn word.<br /><br />Now i'm done with the gossip review.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU9nrd10fR8"></a>Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1164035580127974212006-11-20T04:01:00.000-08:002006-11-20T10:28:30.283-08:00A Gift From OHSS!First, after IVF 2 cancellation on August 14, we got a nice parting gift of OHSS. Sweet, huh? Now, it turns out, OHSS left me with a nice parting gift, a big fat ovarian cyst. I havent read about this occurring to others (but it might have missed my radar), but in case you're curious, i know what the symptoms are.<br /><br />It turns out that the extra dose of pms i've been having the past few months are related to the extra hormones that are still coursing through my body. I blame this on the extra dose of menopure that was added to ivf 2 for the extra umph. Anyway, pms has been really bad. It starts out 2-3 weeks before my period. I get really bloated, and my breasts swell and HURT for a good 10 days of the time. Then we have ravenous hunger, where we need to eat half a cake and then half a bag of chips. It's all the symptoms i had when i was actually ON THE DRUGS.<br /><br />So this month, i do nothing out of the ordinary, and i'm standing in the washroom to wash my hands, when i bend over and POP. I thought i pulled a vertebrate low in my back. I couldnt move. What happened? I'm so outta shape, my office chair is killing me. I dont know. Then the next day, my entire lower abdomen is aching me. I thought i pulled a muscle that just tugged on my stomach. I had no idea.<br /><br />It turns out, i discovered after a week of this, that i had popped a cyst...or so i think. The ultrasound shows A LOT of fluid in my belly. And the doctor said that it looks like the situation was resolving itself. But, man o man, my ovary was aching me. I think i had more than one, or something, because the THROBBING wouldnt stop. And then, i'm wondering, WHY is it THROBBING so much. The doctor said it would resolve itself, but this doesnt feel like resolution. This feels like a massive complaint session.<br /><br />Anyway, fun times in the fertile soul. Remind me to NEVER EVER do ivf again. Stupid ivf. I hate ivf. I think ivf is really a torture mechanism. And i hate all the "kind" encouragement i received to actually do ivf. I hate kind encouragement. And, and i hate the people who give kind (read blind) encouragement too.<br /><br />Ok, that last one aint so true. I just hate the situation.Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1162611746073911632006-11-13T04:41:00.000-08:002006-11-13T10:02:45.693-08:00PTSS 1: Post Traumatic Shower SyndromeSo we started to feel better, shortly after our last rant. Who knew a good rant could be so <em>cleansing</em>. I need to do these more often, just to keep it all real. Then, i suppose i should also change my name to the Snarky Soul.<br /><br />But let me recap the last week. After the last post, the good ole sil gave birth to a boy on Friday (baby shower weekend). Actually, i was feeling very okay about it. It's the buildup towards the event that starts to raise my anxiety levels. But once i'm in the baby event, i'm very cool about it.<br /><br />So the next day, Saturday, was the great bake off before the shower. I made a 4 tiered cake, with the bottom being a chocolate cake, the next level being a buttercream and strawberry filling cake, and the top two layers being a banana chocolate chip cake--all frosted in a chocolate buttercream ganache. And each guest was served a slice of each. I wont post any pictures because i was disappointed in the final "look." First off, they tell you to "just use dowels" to separate each cake. Um, they neglect to say that you need to pull out your <em>saw</em> to make the dowels the required length. The dowels alone were the most difficult thing about it all, and that was done sunday morning, where i didnt really have time to learn about the difficulties of dowel cutting. The cake was just short of being the leaning towers of cakes. But it wasnt. In the end, it just didnt turn out as fantastic as it was in my head. Oh well. After all that baking, i thought i wouldnt want to bake again for a long long time. Finally, i found something to cool the passion for baking.*<br /><br />But here's the interesting thing i want to note and remember. After all that baking and frosting on Saturday, where i think i stood nonstop the whole day (which is actually a nice break from the sitting nonstop all week), i was really exhausted at 1 am, when i went to bed. My sister and her husband came over to help out with final preparations around the house, which gave me the freedom to do the cakes in the first place. And, it was good that i gave myself such a time-consuming project. I was able to channel my pre-event anxiety into something productive and i felt good about it...<em>except</em>, when i went to bed.<br /><br />As i lay there waiting to fall asleep, it suddenly hit me, like it never hit before <a href="http://thefertilesoul.blogspot.com/2006/06/call-from-my-sister.html"><em>(but it has)</em></a><em> </em>OH MY GOD, MY SISTER IS HAVING A BABY BEFORE ME. And i started to cry all over again. Sometimes, i just cant believe that. I just really really believed in a different reality, a different future. I had a dream once over ten years ago, and i interpreted it to mean that we would have children together. And i clung on to that idea as if it were the truth. So i never imagined i would be in this position, just sitting by and watching my sister as she gets to build her family. And, i have to live with this for the rest of my life. It's not like this altered reality will go away. This is the new truth, the real truth.<br /><br />And, as this truth hit me, a part of me was like "no, no, wait, maybe, just maybe, you're pregnant. Hold on and do the math." Mind you, i just got off my period. There is no math to do. There's just denial. In that moment, i just wanted to deny it and live in my old fantasies about the future--that there is one with me and a whole passel of my own kids.<br /><br />So we had us a good ole cry to sleep.<br /><br />Then the shower itself was fine. Very busy and fine. Nothing to really say about it. Nothing i lamented or felt bad about, honestly. Well, except, that there were 5 pregnant women there. And they're all due in December/January. How odd, right? In a party of 25 women, 1 in 5 was pregnant. But that didnt bother me much either. Except for my sister, all of them were on their second or third child. So talking about babymaking and children did not really interest them. If it did, i didnt hear anything about it.<br /><br />But what i did notice was how out of touch i've been with my "friends." I dont think i could muster up such a crowd even if i had to. That disappointed me. <em>But it's not entirely my fault</em>--well, i guess, that's a subject for a later post. <em>Sigh</em>.<br /><br /><em>*I was wrong, as i discovered this weekend. I was ready to dive right back into baking. </em><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">PTSS 2: Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrome</span></strong><br /><br />And so now it's back to life as usual. Except, what is life as usual? We were still trying to figure that out. Before, life as usual was filled with so much hope and promise. Now life as usual is about the business of moving on. And, well, it's not that fun, and it's lonely, and isolating, and not as interesting as planning for a future with children. And there are some days where it's just downright boring.<br /><br />Part of this has to do with the current state of my writing. At the end of September, i started a screenplay about a woman struggling with ivf. By the beginning of October, i finished it. Actually, i wrote it in 10 days. TEN DAYS. My application to graduate school took longer to write. But, i was inspired. Sometimes, when you get in the creative zone, time stands still and all that matters is the task at hand. But ten days? And, mind you, i'm not really a writer. Well, it's not something i aspired to be when i was younger. It's not a skill i had any faith in. It's something i have always always encouraged in others, but not myself. I never felt i could do it.<br /><br />Regardless of what i thought about myself, my creativity put a lid on it for a mo and let the right side of my brain free.<br /><br />And so, i wrote a screenplay. I have been querying it, but querying hollywood all the way from this side of the mississippi, is like trying to fish from your car. And, it's daunting. The process is worse than trying to get your novel published. It's even more isolating and lonely. You mean now that i've accomplished this miracle, i actually have to convince people about it? Convincing people to be interested in me has never been my strong suit. Take, for example, my close and loving relationship with my parents. Nuff said.<br /><br />So after that burst of inspiration followed by a sleu of queries, i feel incredibly deflated and let down. I guess you could say i'm suffering from Post Traumatic Screenplay Syndrom. Disappointment all over again. Why do i choose a creative realm frought with so much disappointment?<br /><br />If i ever do succeed with my novel and screenplay, i think i'm going to need therapy just to deal with the absence of disappointment.<br /><br />So, i guess you could say, currently, we are and have been a little <em>deflated</em>. Said deflation is not really related to infertility, but i just like to blame infertility for all my disappointments. It's such an easy scapegoat. And while i'm at it, i could get mad at my sister for having the gall to ruin my dream and move on with her life without me. But, i wont. Because that we be wrong. And it would only hurt me in the long run.<br /><br />It's just that i feel this tremendous emptyness where my children were supposed to reside. And it's hard to stave off bitterness, when my heart is desperate for fulfillment of any kind, be it good for me or not.<br /><br />But, i want it to be good before me because the last time i filled my empty heart, i wrongly filled it with the promise of children, and look what that's done for me.<br /><br />No, no, i will wait until i can feel the real fulfillment. Until then, we will be empty and patient.<br /><br /><em><br /><br /><br /></em><em></em><em></em><em></em>Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22255025.post-1162343738704505192006-10-31T16:43:00.000-08:002006-11-01T20:02:55.286-08:00A Glutton for GlutenFor lunch today, we went to Macy's and had a monstersize chocolate cupcake (which comes with a mountain of chocolate frosting), cheese ravioli, mac & cheese, and garlic mashed potatoes (dont stand too close to me). What brought on this gluttony in spite of my low tolerance for gluten? Well, we are depressed. Yes, yes, it's for real. I once said "we" recently to a friend when she asked "how's the novel", i said "we have moved onto other projects." She stopped mid conversation to say "who is we?" Well, silly, it's me, myself and i. So, y'all, all three of us are in the dumps.<br /><br />So, what induced this royal slip into the abyss? Well, dont you know? I cant have kids. Ha ha. Funny, aint it. So funny. And then, this upcoming weekend, the wonderful, thoughtful Fertile Soul decided to host her sister's <strong>baby*</strong> shower ... in her very own house ... and bake the cake too. I know, i'm just ridiculous. But, in all fairness to the dear sis, i am the only sister ... well, the only adult sister. And, what was i to do? Just not let her have one? And she doesnt live near me anymore but all her friends do. So, either i do it, or there's nothing, right? I just couldnt not do it. I just couldnt. And, i was feeling up to it when i said i would. Seriously. I thought i would be okay.<br /><br />But, now, suddenly, i get a bill in the mail from my last ivf of THREE MONTHS AGO and i cant stop balling. Trick or Treat! Here's a bill for $1500 because your insurance company DENIED coverage.<br /><br />I guess, i've been feeling financially <em>stressed</em>. The house gets messy easily (ie the <em>boudoir)</em> because we need some new furniture. Our bedroom dressers were left over from dh's childhood. Yeah, do you know how old that is? Let's just say that this furniture is from the 60s. I need new furniture because i need enough space to fit everything. ok? So i cant throw anything out and i'd rather buy more furniture than throw stuff out, so?! You wanna make something of it??--this is the inner dialogue we struggle with. It's not easy being me. Just buy some new furniture already and be happy! No, we must have this internal debate that lasts a decade and another decade to decide the perfect "set" to buy ... speaking of which, i saw this awesome leather/cherrywood sleigh bed ....<em>mmmmmmmm,</em> nice. Could i get a king size bed, while i'm at it? Yeah, i'm probably the last person on earth who still sleeps on a queen. What was i thinking? I'll tell you. When i got married i was very much a hippy dippy girl and decided the floor would be <em>fine</em>. Yes, the Fertile Soul is such a simple girl at heart. So, she slept on the floor for the first 4 years, when she finally decided a bed was in order. So a queen bed was a HUGE improvement over the floor.<br /><br />In defense of the q-bed, i think i will miss it if i ever graduate to a king. Sometimes i think i want a king just so i can rollover without asking dh to move over in the process. But then, i'll miss all the cuddling. Does anyone cuddle anymore on a king? I'd be too lazy to scoot over. Once my head hits the pillow, that's it, i'm not moving.<br /><br />In other news, what's up with Ryan and Reese! I havent been this sad since Jessica and Nick. Actually, i'm mad. Work it out people! Work it out. Did you hear that married people are in the minority? I'm thrilled to be a part of that minority. People should marry, i say.<br /><br />Ok, Dancing With the Stars is on, which I AM NOT WATCHING, but what the heck are these women wearing??? And then they have these dance moves where the women time their kicks at exactly the same moment that the camera flashes them, so you basically have a re-enactment of Sharon Stone in Basic Instincts except with underwear (only i wouldnt know since i've never actually seen that movie, <em>thank God</em>). Women, why must you debase yourselves and get sucked into doing soft porn on prime time? Like, i'm definitely not watching this stuff with my dh, cuz the only Basic Instincts he needs to see are <em>mine</em>. ... But then , i guess, that explains why marriage is on the decline. What's so special about it, when all the salacious parts are on prime time <em>free for all?</em><br /><br />Anyway, i'm off to go see a movie because it's been a while and i'm in a craptastic mood and i cant stand to stay home and watch garbage.<br /><br />Also, how come only 3 people came to my house for trick or treating when there's about 5 kids in every house on our block? I think i live on the most fertile block on the planet....hence, my escape to the dark room of a theater and into the life of someone else.<br /><br /><em>*Update: I initially typed bridal shower, but that was so last year. It's now time for the baby shower. I detect a freudian slip in there somewhere, but i cant figure it out. </em>Fertile Soulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04828291282626227493noreply@blogger.com9